Down The Rabbit Hole...

*Ahhhh I am editing this but I noticed it posted at 10:25 which is my all-time "see everywhere" number.*

Maybe I am wrong about the thought process I am having right now.  It's a little far out.  Maybe I'm done going and losing my mind, and maybe that really would not be a bad thing in the end- to lose my mind.  I've slowly but surely been healed enough to achieve the impossible:  I no longer have the fearful swirling thoughts and emotions that used to control me, that's for sure.  Even with this separation and knowing the final say comes from above I still feel an overall peace.  I miss him and get frustrated because I want to be with him, share life experiences and human/soul love with him. yet I am fairly calm.  Most of the time, lol.

Here is my thought process.  I've had surreal experiences with Joron, experiences that defy what we think we know about people and the world we live in.  He shifts mid-conversation to show me fear then love and NONE of it is human 3D ego manipulation.  It is all of soul.  When we {typo but an ironic one so I'll keep it, "we" instead of "he"} communicates with me it is as if this soul energy inside of him is speaking directly so me just through him.  I can go back now to when we were dating and see how it was happening back then, and man oh man was soul desperately trying to get me to believe in the love.  My guidance would tell me to relax, trust and enjoy, and Joron himself would write me message showering me with love.  He showed me NOTHING but love in an attempt to bulldoze my fears yet he couldn't do it, and then he had to leave.

One of his messages soon before he left did that thing where he tried so hard.  He wrote, "I love you! Like I REALLY love you!!!  I hope you accept my love because..." and his because was something like he was telling me he really liked me and wanted to continue on with me.  But in the end I think he was SO desperately trying to tell me exactly what he wrote, "I hope you accept my love" because if I could not accept his love, trust him fully, and stop being so damn skeptical of him and his love, then he was going to have to become the embodiment of the fear I was manifesting.

It was as if, 100% of the time, soul was talking through Joron.  ALL THE TIME.  So here is what I think, and try to follow me here.  I do not know if this is unique to my situation or not but I really think it applies in my twin soul union.  And it seems to be what is sometimes said on the web when the talk of "the runner" does not overwhelm truth.

Joron is his soul.  The man who dated me- I think the energy inside of him really truly is our shared soul energy, and it is 100% conscious and sentient.  And since it is MY soul too, and all God does is love us unconditionally, it is an energy that AT ALL TIMES loves me totally.  Like madly in love with me, dying to show me love, wanting to show me how wonderful I am as a soul and human being.  So when we dated his ROLE was to show me how loved I am by soul- because he IS soul. And oh don't think for one moment that I did not love him.  I did.  My soul knew him and adored him but my ego feared.  My ego doubted and was scared.  But my soul loved because my role also was to love him with no conditions and I actually did love him.  It was my fear that got in the way.

So again, he is soul, my soul {and his soul too} and soul is made to love us- it is an unconditional love.  So for a while his body, his human vessel, was used to show me that huge ginormous twin soul SOUL love, the unconditional love soul has for me was given to me through the human male vessel AS A GIFT.  A man who loves like me but in the end he turned out to be far more than a man.

Then time progressed and my fear grew, and it was time for me to see that which I create, and I was creating fear.  And this is where it gets strange.  I think soul loved me no less when it left me than when we were making love, giddy and close and warm and snuggly- but maybe soul likes that a whole lot more than separation and harshness.  But to "tough love" me and teach me, and to save me, his "soul role" is to "fake" all the distance, quiet, and at times even cruelty but at least ambivalence, disinterest and lack of affection.

But it is fake.  An illusion.  I have to see my fear in order to face it and soul gives it to me through Joron.  I think that soul still loves me exactly the same as before he left but is staying quiet for a purpose.  Soul is totally conscious in him.  It chooses to, has to, to stay quiet despite the love it has for me as, well, my soul.  Soul WANTS to show me love; that's the point, and the only way it really can "physically" is through this human vessel known as Joron.  So the love really is still there because it is not "just" a human love- it is a SOUL love but as humans we experience love through our human bodies because we ARE biologically homo sapiens.  So two twin souls show each other that soul love through "partnership" in all ways including holding hands, sharing, being inseparable, total kissy face, almost becoming one in the end physically.

But to teach me and progress me and heal me and all that jazz soul had to say "bye bye and I'll miss you my love."  I really am beginning to believe this.  And all along the way soul has tried and tried to get me past my fear and let me know how much he loves me but I saw this from an all-too-human perspective of him using his "free will" to "choose" to ignore and overlook me.  But see that cannot be true with all the signs, major major soul communication, synchronicity, songs, and just the way he plays on me.  It can ONLY be soul knowing my every move, every fear, ever intention, etc. and always talking to me "through" Joron, like recently when he wrote and said, "I just want you to know I am not ignoring you."  I felt I was getting a heads up, some reassurance because he was going to go quiet again to allow me to progress even further- how fortunate am I to get that message and see it for what it is?  Soul reassuring me?  And I have been shown love when I needed it to reinforce "Okay there is still love here," and then FEAR when I refused to believe.  But all along the way soul is in there going, "Okay come on already.  I do really want to come back to you, Joron, us."

And with me- I adore Joron.  My soul loves him tremendously and will not give up.  My soul is faithful and strong and will not turn away no matter how scared my humanity can become.  But again- soul loves Joron too, totally and completely, and *I* am the vessel that is supposed to show him that total and complete full twin soul love.  That is my soul mission, to love him unconditionally because that is what soul love is- unconditional God love.  It is a love that cannot be replaced, not exactly, because soul mate love is AWESOME but it is not twin soul love.  I do think soul mate love is sweet and wonderful and for some can probably create a good life together- but it is still not the same exact soul energy seeking to merge.  Seeking to be each others gifts.  Desiring to show each twin how much soul loves them by showing that love through each other, through the human vessel. Twin souls are created to love one another, if we can allow it by healing and stripping away fear.  I think this is why they always seek to come back, because soul is always saying "Please, let's heal and be back together.  Let me come back to you" because ultimately this is what soul wants- to merge.

And the love is always there just sometimes it is in hiding.  I have always adored Joron deeply but I have also feared him and there can be no fear in this love.  Now I can kind of see though just exactly how this is all soul.  Either that or again I am losing it, lol.  And I do not think I am.  I think that the same exact love he showed me when we met is there now just quieted, and alllll the signs, songs, messages, etc. are from that energy just trying to get me to see and heal and get this shift going on because, and this is key, I don't think soul likes the separation.  Soul loves me and wants to be close to me through Joron.  I really feel this, and it's a weird thought, that my soul wants to love me and be gentle to me after this exceedingly long painful journey but first I have to get through to the end of my quest, however that is.

So for now I am still affirming.  Still loving, and stripping myself of all fear.  I do miss him though and that's a challenge because I want to hear from him, lol.  I guess soul wants to be with soul. Confusing I know but it is an unconditional love that wants to be free to love unconditionally.  So when he would say "I love you" that was actually my soul telling me, through him, "I love you. Please accept my love for it is real and pure and totally accepting."  Alas, lessons were to be learned and here we are.

I was thinking about him as an Atheist and how we  as souls each choose our "roles" before we come to earth.  Some choose to be a man, some a woman.  Some white, some black.  Some Christian and he chose to be an Atheist.  I get SO annoyed when people insist he MUST come around to being a "believer."  NO- no he does not need to be a believer.  Not if his soul chose to spend this lifetime as a science-loving, good-hearted, loving and compassionate Atheist.  I am sure it is a role his soul chose for him, and he does that role well. Again, Joron is all soul, well heart and soul- but he has a nice quiet healthy ego, not a screaming one like many of us have or have had, me included!  If his soul has a plan to shift into being more of a believer then he will.  But maybe he will spend this lifetime speaking out against religion, and I am totally fine with that.  He has a lot of pride for what he feels is important, and I respect him for it.

Anyway- just some thoughts rolling around in here the more I reflect on what's happened between us over these last nearly 17 months.  This last go 'round was just so specific and surreal that it can be nothing other than of the divine, totally.  And obviously since it started with the button pushing it means there is something being shown to me.  And there is quiet again, and really one day I'd like to soul merge.  I want to be back kissy face and as close to soul again because it does feel wonderful, and he, Joron, is my gift from my soul.  The man I always wanted, and yes of course he is a man.  But his heart, mind and consciousness is pretty much free from ego so his soul totally shines through, and he has a very beautiful soul.

So do I.  Hopefully my ego is really quieting so I can begin to feel only love too.  It seems to be happening.  Strange.  I can see it and feel it, and I am assuming this is what the twin soul union is *supposed* to do- this process of quieting ego to hear soul better.  I pray to God above to keep me strong and constantly progressing in only an ego-free true unconditional soul love for Joron and all others since that is my path as a Warrior of Light.

My guidance has told me to "kiss his soul" and other twin soul guides say to write love letters to their soul- so maybe this is key, to write to the soul inside of them realizing that soul is perfect and so are we, all of us. Unconditional love.

We are one, and I love him tremendously.  I look forward to when I can see our soul reflected back to me through his eyes again.

XXOO

Jen/Rosie  

My Love

I ventured into my old email inbox today, the one I used to use with Joron.  I rarely do this because it hurts.  Being reminded of someone so wonderful who is no longer here make my heart ache in ways I cannot even explain.

But it is a good reminder to me of his love.  Of who he is.  I know people change and fall out of love but that is not what happened to us.  What happened to us is a twin soul separation, and that love he showed me is still there, somewhere.  It is meant to come back one day.

My heart is overflowing.  I feel about him like this picture.  I both want to be in his embrace and to embrace him.  Just cuddles and hugs.  He is so cuddly, little and cute.  He fits perfectly in my arms because we are both small.  My sweet bow-legged sexy gem of a Geologist.  His passion for his science is such an attractant to me.  His beautiful mind and shining soul and huge heart.

I miss that man.  I know our soul is connected, maybe even is the same soul, but I miss the person, the soul, the heart and the brain, the whole combination.  I miss his physicality in my life.  Why?  Because he rocks, plain and simple.  Because when he kissed me I felt safer than I ever have in my life.  I know I could count on him.

When I was terrified that he'd find out I cheated on my husband and then want to leave me- I was tortured.  We were growing closer and he had this idea that I was soooo amazing.  I felt like it was a lie of omission to not tell him.  What if we got serious and he found out later I am a cheater?  I was sooooo scared.  Then he emailed me the dream he had, of taking me to meet his friends and they told him I'd been on TV in the past, like 90210.  In the dream he asked me, "Why didn't you tell me you'd been on TV?" and I told him it was because it was in the past and I was afraid he would judge me by how "badly I'd acted" in my past.  Well back then I did not know he was my twin soul.  I had no idea what was happening but I was FREAKED OUT.  He said, "What do you think it means, psychic Jen?"

Looking back- how was I so fucking clueless not to see it?  Not to google and find out about twin souls?  Answer is because I was so swept away by his perfect love.  That night after he had the dream he walked in my house and handed me the same bag of chocolates that the man I'd had the affair with gave me the first night we met.  I took the bag of chocolates and thought, "Am I losing my mind?  What does this mean?"  We sat down and he kissed me.  Then he pulled back, smiled and asked in his oh-so-gentle manner, "Have you ever cheated on your husband?"

DUH.  Fucking duh.  Talk about clueless.  I lied.  I told him no, and then he said, "Be right back- I gotta pee."  While he was in the bathroom I had a quick heart to heart with God and my guidance.  I said, "WTF????!!!  Am I supposed to be honest so I can get this fear off my chest?  What if he judges me???  What is he LEAVES me?"  He sat back down and I took a deep breath and said, "I need to talk to you.  I lied.  I am sorry.  I was scared to be honest.  I did have an affair that helped lead to the break up of my marriage."  And I told him some things, being alone all the time.  It killed me and yes I sought out love and the perfect love came to me and BAM I had an affair.

I remember how close he held me.  How quietly and tenderly he listened.  And when I was done he looked right at me and said, "It's okay.  I understand and I don't think any differently of you."  He may have even thanked me for my honesty.  His loving, compassionate and empathetic response to my admission was very healing.  He showed me I was loveable despite making a choice most people would deem as wrong and bad.  Me?  I loved that soul mate and would not make a different choice if I had to go back and do it again.  I was super relieved that he accepted me fully.  So then he wrapped me in his arms, touched my face with his amazingly gentle hands and kissed me until I could not see straight.

And that is my Joron, right there.  My truth.  Always, always gentle.  ALWAYS.  He even has a soft gentle yet entirely sexy, make-my-knees-weak voice.  It is a soothing voice, kind and adorable and I remember the first time I heard his voice how crazy the butterflies in my belly bounced around- they knew.  The butterflies, and my heart and soul, all knew that he was The One.  And yes we love talking to one another.  Our conversations were never-ending.  Neither one of us wanted to hang up, ever.  He'd ask for five more minutes and feign sadness over saying bye.

Honest to God- perfect boyfriend and all he wanted me to do was accept the love he was giving me.  Best. Man. Ever.  Always holding my hand every minute we were out together; quite honestly my dream come true.  Really.  My Prince Charming.  My heart like explodes with love over him.  I KNOW my fucking truth.  I know who this man is and I will fight as long as I have to fight, and do whatever I have to do, in order to make this right.  He showed me nothing but sweetness, and he did something for me that changed my heart forever: he loves my son too {and every time I try to hit the "d' to make these words past tense I end up hitting the "s" for present tense on accident, like "loves" instead of "loved.}  He accepts me and my life.  He did make me a priority when we dated.  He made sure to.  He'd get a bug up his butt and write me something super sexy and then follow it up with a message telling me how much he also just liked hanging out with me, that I was the best thing ever to him.  Always reassuring me.  Always protecting me.  Always being very very Joron.

And yes one thing about him that was so amazing was how at forty years old and being celibate for a while he was willing to come to my home and just kiss me.  For hours.  For evenings on end.  No stress at all.  No innuendoes.  No pressure or showing me any annoyance or letting me know he was getting left out in the cold.  Nothing like that.  He'd sit and smooch me, touch my arms and legs and hold me tight, adore me.  And then after our lips were like raw he'd smile and say, "I think it's time I gotta go.  It's getting late," and I'd walk him to the door and kiss him goodbye.  Then he'd get home and text me and thank me, tell me how great I am and what a wonderful time he had.  And he'd assure me, "I will wait as long as you want.  I am happy just to kiss you, and I know when the time comes it's going to be so kissy and lovey and wonderful."

And he was right.  It was.  Our lovemaking was kissy and loving and wonderful.  Sweet and kind and naughty and arousing and close and just mmmmm good.  I so miss him, in all ways.

I just love the fuck out of that guy.  It is barely tolerable, the strong emotion I feel inside for him.  People say "Think of them as perfect" and I don't even have to try or pretend because all he showed me was PERFECT.  Utterly perfect.  Wonderful perfection.  Joyful and buoyant and stimulating and smiley and warm and always making me laugh.  The love of my life.  My one and only, and this is why I just chuckle when people say "You can choose to move on from a twin soul."  Yeah- I can.  But I would be selling out, settling for something other than what is perfect for ME.  And I can't do that.  I am too in love, even if he is not here, to ever ever be unfaithful to the feelings I have for him.  It is very freeing to know I have that choice, the choice of whether to move on or stay right here, in love with him.  MY choice. 

I love him, and true love only ever lives on. 

Just A Quick Update

I really don't have a lot to update.  I wish I could tell all of you that Joron and I are back in communication on a daily basis but we are not.  Sorry but don't take it as a disappointment.  I don't. And if I DID take it as a disappointment then I'd be backsliding right back where I've been before, and I don't want to go back there.  I am meant to become more aware so I am.

I spoke to a twin soul friend "in the know" yesterday.  This chick is AMAZING.  Her name is Melissa and God bless her soul, a post of her's I found a few weeks back really helped shift me around.  And then she called me, we talked and sh'e been a huge blessing to me.  The post I found from her was a response to a question some posted on a website.  I want to paste part of it here for you to read.  Here is part of her response, the part that made me finally sigh this huge sigh of relief because FINALLY someone else out there is experiencing the same thing as I am, and she is AWARE of it too.

"Another thing- have no fear- have only faith and belief in your twin soul and yourself and the love between you both because the moment you start to fear one of those bad things is going to happen, or the moment you start dwelling negatively over his past actions- another one will manifest! Your thoughts and actions are manifesting his actions please remember this- so you must keep them positive! Only think loving and positive thoughts and I promise you things will improve!

Realize that you through your thoughts are responsible for his reflected actions- The female half of the twin soul union (yin) represents mother earth and spiritual energy, while the male half (yang) represents action. You talk the talk- he walks the walk. This is the nature of the twin soul relationship. You have the power- use it to bring you two together! Let me know if you have any other questions- I am here to help :)"

When I read her words I was like, "OMG that is EXACTLY like me and Joron!"  This is why my guidance has told me for months to ONLY write, speak and think about his as love.  Only love and kisses.  To ensure I feel that the truth about him is love, and that the kisses he showered upon me are the real him.  To de-create the "monster" I created through fear.  See- the shit he shows me is my own creation.  And it is poked at me, and will be, until it no longer bothers me at all, and probably until I never speak of it again {and I've spoken of it which probably was not the best thing but I am learning.}  

I asked Melissa why is he quiet again.  I already knew the answer and she reaffirmed it for me.  In the past whenever this happens, we reconnect and he says he's coming back and then he goes quiet, I always freak out inside.  Like I FREAK OUT inside.  I think all 3D like "OMG what if he's messing with me?  What if he's going to choose again not to see me? Why is he doing this?  Why tell me you are home and then ignore me?"  

That word "ignore" is a word I must banish from my vocabulary unless I am going to use it in the context of I myself am ignoring the nonsense and realizing it is not him but totally my mirror.  He is NOT "ignoring" me and I cannot for a moment think that way.  And this is why the silence is happening again.  To see how differently I do things this time.  This is why they come and go- to offer us the OPPORTUNITY to change, to shift upwards, to make a better energetic decision going forward.  Of course my humanity craves instant connection with him.  Of course I want to hear from him again.  I wish we were back to being email buddies and I could just text him and expect and know I'll get a response.  But that is not where we are yet and I am not going to freak out about it like before.

Some things I need to change is to stop talking about what has happened.  I need to JUST totally write about his love.  One change I have made is I try to be totally aware of the words I use when I speak about him or us: I try to only use hopeful words and I will not tolerate doubt given to me from anyone.  I am militant about my choice here- if you cannot speak to me and support me on this then do not speak to me about it at all.  Talk to me about something else but not my twin soul.  I know my truth and I am sticking with it.

So Melissa basically said this is happening to see how I react, and I cannot have a negative reaction towards it.  And I understand that.  I saw it coming when he wrote and said, "Just know I am not ignoring you."  That was a thinly veiled message telling me, "If I fall off again now don't freak out- it's to make you stronger, not that I am running off and ignoring you."

I get it.  And I miss him soooooo much!  Ugh do I miss my dear friend and love, and I canNOT wait for the day we are back together again.  But I also cannot allow myself to have an ego-flare and get all frustrated, pissy and hopeless over the quiet.  I am thankful for the opportunity to grow more aware, learn increased patience and become even stronger.  And I love him more and more.

I also feel all the messages telling me about the fun shit he's doing all the time are to push me too.  I am shown that he is sooooo fine without me.  But before he'd write and tell me he missed me and needed me with him.  I see what is happening.  I am being pushed to see if I believe he is so happy without me, and no I do not believe that.  I believe that he misses me just as much as I do him but I'm being poked over and over again, and these are probably the things I am supposed to be reaffirming in my journal, things like "I know you miss you {this is a typo by me, the "you miss YOU" instead of "you miss ME" and it is not the first time I've done this- I wonder if it is not on accident since we are both the same so it's as if he misses himself inside of me just I like miss myself inside of him} and wish we could be together.  I know you want to be here for me.  I know you wish I was by your side right now."  

So I am.  My main line of defense right now is just to continue to write as manifestation.  I think this is why Spider is a close totem for me.  Spider represents the very strong feminine energy of creation, and Spider's web is all about weaving existence through writing.  Creating magic through writing. And Spider is always put in my face so I understand.  Yin is the weaver of the story and Yang is the actor of the story.  Whatever Yin scripts Yang becomes when it comes to the twin soul union, and believe me- I can vouch for this entirely because I watch the script play out in my life.  Thank God it is changeable or else I'd a been fucked a long time ago, lol.  God always gives us a chance to change our story, and this is what I am doing now.  

Writing my happy ending with my prince who will love me at once, the way he did once, once upon a dream. 

"The gleam in your eyes is so familiar a gleam..."  Yes- yes it was. And now I know why, 

Dirty Feet

I think this is why Joron made the comment about my feet always being dirty, and they are not.  He asked me "Is it because your floors are always dirty?"  I know it was a jab at my thought that my house is not clean enough, and for that reason I want to share a poem here that I found ages ago, when my little bean sprout was just a baby.  My truth, for the record, is I could give a flying fuck if my floors are dirty or there are dishes in the sink.  My child is HAPPY and feels like he is a priority in my life, and that is all that matters to me.

My son and I are TIGHT.  He calls us "peas and carrots" and says I am his best friend.  My son warms my heart and I let him play.  Like the other say he was making a spider web out of tape, Scotch tape all over the walls, stretched between door frames.  He then hung gummy bears from it and ate them like he was a spider.  I have big painted walls and he chalks on them.  Kids love it that I let them chalk on my walls, lol.  No biggie- it washes right off, and walls can be re-painted.  Creativity and a strong imagination... are only learned once.

I have the oldest most worn hardwood floors but I love them.  The hardwood needs to be refinished one day but why should I do it now when I have a little one who spills, tramples, dances, and runs his trains over every inch of the floor?  NO- it's fine as it is.  My home is warm, safe, happy and protective.  I have a friend and her children moving in with me again soon.  My home offers warmth to me and my son as well as other people.  I love my home.

I do NOT like scrubbing floors.  I'd rather leave the trains on the floor to hide the dust.

I wrote this on Facebook February 2014. 

"Time to remember what's important. Just because he's getting all grown up now doesn't mean those dust bunnies are my priority!"

And no- babies do not keep.  They grow, fast.  Thank GOD I took the time to slow down and cherish mine.  We have always cuddled and been close, reading and singing, "cuddle time."  Going through this twin soul separation brought me much closer to my son, and God knows my dream is to marry Joron and have another baby with him.  I am the best mother ever, and I am an amazing mother THROUGH huge adversity and strife, lessons that would test the patience of a damn saint. 

I will have the experience of being a mother who exists in a blissful life instead of pain.  Being a mother to a child created with a man who loves and adores me and our family.  I will have that with Joron. I know it, and I deserve it- and he deserves that with me.

Song for a Fifth Child

by Ruth Hulburt Hamilton

Mother, O Mother, come shake out your cloth,
Empty the dustpan, scrub out the bath,
Hang out the washing, make up the bed,
Sew on a button and butter the bread.

Where is the mother whose house is so shocking?
She's up in the nursery, blissfully rocking.

Oh, I've grown as shiftless as Little Boy Blue,
Lullabye, rockabye, lullabye loo.
Dishes are waiting and bills are past due
Pat-a-cake, darling, and peek, peekaboo

The shopping's not done and there's nothing for stew
And out in the yard there's a hullabaloo
But I'm playing Kanga and this is my Roo
Look! Aren't his eyes the most wonderful hue?
Lullabye, rockaby lullabye loo.

The cleaning and scrubbing can wait till tomorrow
But children grow up as I've learned to my sorrow.
So quiet down cobwebs; Dust go to sleep!
I'm rocking my baby and babies don't keep.

I hope that my child, looking back on today
Will remember a mother who had time to play;
Because children grow up while you're not looking,
There are years ahead for cleaning and cooking.
So, quiet now cobwebs and dust go to sleep.
Mommy will play and no floors will she sweep

~~I Just Wanna Be Your Everything~~

I Just Want To Be Your Everything

This.  THIS SONG.  This song is THE song.  It has haunted me now for months and it's making more and more sense to me.  There is not one word of this song that does not apply to my situation with Joron, and I know this is his song to me.  I hear it and it makes me tear up.  I know THIS is exactly the way he feels about me, a huge reminder.  Cannot. Stop. Listening.  I can literally FEEL him in this song.  I know this man wants to be with me but since he has had to be what I feel he is- he probably is kind of like a puppet on a string, but like this song says... he WANTS to be my "everything."  He does not want to be fear and doubt!  He does not want to be cruelty and ambivalence!  He does not want distance!!!  He wishes and dreams of being with me, as he said recently "I wish you were cuddled in my arms right now."  Of course he wants that.  Derrrr...

He WANTS to be that kind loving sweet darling amazingly wonderful angel who cuddled and kissed me like he never ever wanted to let me go.  I can do this.  I can really know and feel in my heart that I am worthy of a love this strong, twin soul strong, and that this man will move mountains to be with me.

I am telling you- this is SO on.  God knows, quite literally, that when I, Jennifer, want something- I go for it full-force, whole-hog, and I do not give up easily.  I think the only thing I did not master was playing the guitar and that's only because I have other strong gifts so I decided to put my energy where it belongs.  I still love the guitar though :)  My point, though, is when I want something, and I know it is right, I do not give up.  Ever.

Ever.  

And this is why *I* am a twin soul.

For so long
You and me been finding
Each other for so long
And the feeling that I feel

For you is more then strong, girl
Take it from me
If you give a little more then you're asking for
Your love will turn the key

Darling mine
I would wait forever for those lips of wine
Build my world around you, darling
This love will shine girl
Watch it and see
If you give a little more then you're asking for
Your love will turn the key

I, I just want to be your everything
Open up the heaven in your heart and let me be
The things you are to me and not some puppet on a string
Oh, if I stay here without you, darling, I will die
I want you laying in the love I have to bring
I'd do anything to be your everything

Darling for so long
You and me been finding
Each other for so long
And the feeling that I feel

For you is more then strong girl
Take it from me
If you give a little more then you're asking for
Your love will turn the key

I, I just want to be your everything
Open up the heaven in your heart and let me be
The things you are to me and not some puppet on a string
Oh, if I stay here without you, darling, I will die
I want you laying in the love I have to bring
I'd do anything to be your everything

I, I just want to be your everything
Open up the heaven in your heart and let me be
The things you are to me and not some puppet on a string
Oh, if I stay here without you, darling, I will die
I want you laying in the love I have to bring
I'd do anything to be your everything

Gah- I soooo love him!

Fear Identified

Well I feel I am definitely Awakening.  I am seeing the world from a different persepctive, and my GOD is that a blessing.  I remember ages ago I woke up with a rare psychic vision in my mind: a big white screen with black print.  It stated something along the lines of "When you can see a situation from a higher perspective that is true freedom."  Well I can finally see this situation with Joron from a higher perspective and it does offer freedom.  Freedom from pain and suffering for certain.

Last year this time I almost wanted to kill myself.  I think he and I actually had some contact this time last year but it freaked me out so much.  His inability to say "I love you" when he'd lavished love on me only months earlier {sweeping his love away for no given reason, no explanation} terrified me and ONLY my spiritual guidance and the signs I received kept me sane.  Joron's mind-reading ability showed me something strange and different was afoot so a tiny part of me did believe that maybe, just maybe, it was not his intention to desert me, abandon his love for me.

This year I feel totally different.  I have a sense of calm I never thought possible.  I am alone and have been for almost a year and a half.  I've managed through an intense, sometimes totally scary and painful. twin soul separation- and right now I am pretty zen.  Joron, as I've explained here on the blog, writes me messages that border on cruel.  Yet it's not the man I knew.  I KNOW that man, and I can "feel" the difference when he shifts back into that man.  I have utterly no doubt this is all soul orchestrated to heal me.  Yes we left off here recently pretty calm but still it was button pushing. You don't go from communicating with a person like fifty times a day, saying "I know you like to feel understood and I love understanding you" and then suddenly go out of contact and then takes weeks to respond to a person and it's seen as "normal."  It isn't.  Not responding to a person hits all those fear buttons of "I am not even worthy of a response."  So while I am glad our last messages were peaceful I also know that SOMETHING is being shown to me.

But what?

What is up with all the messages that makes it seem like he is just fine without me?  Like gambling and being in amazing Cali with his wonderful science career is so perfect that he is pretty darn tootin' sure he does not want to be married or be a step-father {when he was so excited about these prospects before?}  Yet he told me that our relationship was perfect and healthy and he feels bad for leaving me because if it were not for the opportunity then we'd probably be living together or something already. Yet he's always poking me with all he fun stuff he's doing, BBQs and wine tastings and parties, etc. Life of Riley.  Fine without me.  Why write back to me when he's got so much other more important stuff going on?

And why would he choose me over all that, right?  I have battled this fear that if I could not make it to CA then he would never choose to come back to IN, and he shows that to me.  Like I am not worthy, and this came to me today.  So I text a TS friend who is SO insightful and I explained some things to her and asked her what he is showing me and she NAILED it.  Just nailed it.

It is a fear of not being a priority.  Absolutely- that I am not worthy of importance, that I am not a priority, that my happiness means nothing, that I am only a second thought, etc. etc.  THIS is why he says things to me like, "Sorry it took me all week to respond!  I was SO busy and excited about my work that I pushed everything off."  Including me.  Or why he told me he's going to Antarctica for six months so how would we ever be able to be together?  He's always pointing out road blocks as to why we can't be together.  He won't try.  Won't invite me to CA to even visit.  Shoved in my face all the fun he's having when he KNOWS I am over here doing the best I can as a single mother.

He told me when we dated that maybe if he met the right girl, fell in love and she had a great family that he might choose not to leave.  Truth.  True love would win out.  Truth.  I was still terrified he'd leave me and BAM he was gone.  No second glance.  Seemingly no worries although he told me he cried, and he begged me to tell him he would not lose me.  That's why I was so confused when he went silent.

BUT- I remember specifically having the fear of not being a priority once he left, like he'd drift off and forget me.  I even told him about it.  See- I guess I have issues I need to address although they are not big.  My shit is pretty well over and done with now.  But as a child I was not made a priority at all.  My parents were too involved in their kinky sex life, their pot growing and smoking, and whatever else they did that I don't know about to pay much attention to me and my brother, or it was the wrong attention, like what we did bad, or how we were not who they wanted us to be.  But I was never shown how to brush my hair or curl my eyelashes or shave or even drive.  I was not put in dance class or lessons to play the piano.  No instead I was forced to join track in the hopes that my chubby self would lose weight... so in essence they overlook all my gifts in order to try and make me a little less of an embarrassment to them.  And no I am not bitter.  I am honest.  I had very little new clothes. Shopping with my mother was a nightmare, and they did not spend very much money on us. I was made fun of in school because I wore the same clothes often.  I was a very dorky awkward child who escaped to the safety of the library.  So no, I was definitely not on the list of my mother's priorities, and my aunt once told me my mother would set me in the play pen and keep me there all day.  I have no memories of my mom as a child.  Neither her or my dad really knew how to parent so we did not get the intimate loving close kind parenting that contributes to a healthy self-development.  We did not create healthy attachment so as an adult I've had issues with this.

And that's okay.  It is the past, and I love my parents a lot.  They are great people who had to learn at their own rate to heal, and they have.

For me- my two marriages were the same way.  Neither men made me a priority.  My son's dad left me alone all the time.  I drank a lot when I felt alone.  I was alone during my pregnancy and I was alone after our son was born.

And well I am alone now.

And ALLLLLLL this button pushing revolves around my fear that I am not a priority.  That I am not good enough, worthy enough, for someone to want to make me a priority.  Like it is so easy for Joron to just have up and left me to move to CA and all the other stuff, like his science and wineries, are so much more important, fun and fulfilling to him than a life with me.  Like he would never ever choose to sacrifice for me.

And he shows me all this.  And more.  It is perfect mirroring, and I've finally figured it out.  And I do remember telling him, so worried, about making me a priority.  And I can see where that got me.  He shows me, brutally, that everything else is more important to him than me, and that is BULLSHIT.

I am tired.  I really am.  I am exhausted from working through all of this and standing tall through the faux-cruelty.  I love myself a lot, and I only want to be loved now.  A gentle touch.  And I know something with all my heart.  Had it not been for our souls separating us, his divinely orchestrated job offer that his soul snatched up because he was supposed to leave me, he would still be here and we would be married already.  I know he loves me, and if there was no mirror then he'd be mine.  With me any way possible.  He'd move mountains for me.  I KNOW this, and I am not afraid,

I will say I don't like being separated.  It bites.  I love him and miss him and want him by my side but seriously much of the fear has left me.  What do I have to fear?  An illusion?  Lies given to me from Spirit borne of my own fears?  My nemesis that is not even real?  What-the-fuck-ever.  This has been the strangest most divine experience but I can tell you this- when I communicate with this "man" it's unlike anything I have experienced before. It's like from day one he was just waiting to send me on this magical mystery tour.  To right here.

Listen- I know most people won't believe this but I SEE it.  "Free will" is SOUL's choice.  Not human being choice.  Free will is what soul chooses to do.  Joron is like 90% soul.  And what I have come to find is the energy that powers my love is not of a limited consciousness, not when it comes to me.  JORON himself might not realize this.  He does what he FEELS, and it changes from moment to moment.  I don't think he attributes much "good or bad" to what he sends to me because he soul doesn't send him that info.  He IS his soul pretty much.  His soul is me, and I know everything about myself.  It is THAT unlimited consciousness that communicates to me through this human vessel, and it knows all about me all the time.  There is NO escape.  No hiding.  No masks can be worn.  Like when I wrote to him and told him my uncle died over the holidays.  Most people would have written back, right?  A simple condolence?  Nope- not when it comes to soul.  Soul was like, "So do you still think he's ignoring you?  Are you still fishing?  Because I am not even going to give you the satisfaction of an "I'm sorry," no matter if it hurts- until you start believing and understanding in SOUL over human ego."

Weird I know but this world we live in is nothing like what we thought it was.  We are all souls having a human experience... and most of us are so so so blinded, working so hard to see Truth again.  I am SO glad I am one who is finally waking up, thanks to the help of Joron, my Higher Self, God, etc.

Why me I wonder?  Hmmm... Why work so hard on me.  What a journey this has been.

I know he will be back.  One day we will harmonize and all that love he showed me before will be allowed to come forth and he will need to come back to me.  I know he is showing me this fear, and it's not really a fear anymore.  I am more or less like *yawn.*  Done with the fear.  Whatev.  Moving on from fear.  Letting go of the illusion.  But I want my sweet loving amazing little scientist Joron back in my life.  So I guess I have to write through it, and I will.  But again I can say I see it with vivid clarity, all of this has been to mirror to me the fear that I am not a priority, that he does not deem me to be important at all, an afterthought, and I am far from an afterthought.  Especially to him,

I do not blame him at all.  I know this is the role he plays.  I see it clearly; Spirit ensured I see it clearly so I can finally release all fear and BELIEVE.  Thank you God.  I still love my Joron just as much as ever, and I know he loves me too.  He's as sweet as he was when he last held my hand and kissed me- he just plays his role very well.

Joron would move mountains for me.  He will be with me no matter what.  The only reason we are separated is because it is a twin soul experience.  If not he'd be here with me right now.  Kissing me gently, smiling that magical smile and calling me honey again.

Ponderings

The eyes have it.  I saw so much in his eyes!

I have not heard anything yet and that's okay.  I still feel totally blessed to have reconnected at all, for him to refer to me as "love," to say "Love ya!" and to tell me he wants me cuddled in my arms.  I AM still a human being too and yes this all gave me infinite hope that, yes, this is a divine mission not of this world.  And how wonderful is that?  I KNOW this person, this soul inside an adorable body, loves me completely.  I just know it- no qualms.  So I feel totally blessed to have been given affirmation, and to be in touch with my old friend again.  I felt him again, the man I dated.  The cute little dude I fell in love with, and months ago I feared that would never be possible.  I worried it was over.  I hit a moment of terror where I feared I'd never hear from him again, and all of that is wiped clear now.  I KNOW I will see him again.  I will.  Yes I would love to hear from him, and I will, but I am being patient this time.  Knowing.  Calm.  As I already mentioned, our email conversation this time eased into a playful friendly love, like old times.  How blessed am I?  I know this will all come together in the end.

I fucking love, LOVE, the song, "Young And Beautiful."  It is SO my song to Joron.  Completely, totally.  He will still love me when I'm no longer what he insists is young and beautiful.

Will you still love me
When I'm no longer young and beautiful?
Will you still love me
When I got nothing but my aching soul?
I know you will, I know you will
I know that you will
Will you still love me when I'm no longer beautiful?

I've seen the world, lit it up
As my stage now
Channeling angels in the new age now
Hot summer days, rock 'n' roll
The way you play for me at your show
And all the ways I got to know
Your pretty face and electric soul

Dear lord, when I get to heaven
Please let me bring my man
When he comes tell me that you'll let him in
Father tell me if you can
Oh that grace, oh that body
Oh that face makes me wanna party
He's my sun, he makes me shine like diamonds

Will you still love me
When I'm no longer young and beautiful?
Will you still love me
When I got nothing but my aching soul?
I know you will, I know you will
I know that you will

I've been looking back through my channelings and there is a lot here I understand more clearly now than I did a few months back.  Back when I was in major fear it was difficult for me to process what my guidance was asking of me.  When I was terrified that he did not love me it was impossible for me to think he loved me or accept his love.  I was stuck constantly battling anger, resentment and some rage, all fear-based emotions.  That battle blinded me.  Now my guidance is no longer channeling to me.  It had to stop so I would be moved into some kind of action.  It's a bit strange to not have that direct guidance but it's okay.  I get it, and I am given many outward signs through music, etc., and even my son and Joron tell me things that point me in the right direction of what I need to be doing.

One thing in my journal that really sticks out for me is "Kill hillsides if gel not gem.  Love him." Translated, lol, this means if I do not "gel" or cement or concentrate on my "gem" which is my dear sweet Joron, my gem and treasure, then I will murder my happiness.  If I concentrate on the "monster" which is all the nonsensical mirroring, if I believe that, then, well, it would not be pretty.  I have to concentrate on believing in the good man, my gem.

I've had upswings before that have not lasted but this one feels like a good upward step with no backsliding.  I have come a very very good distance in a little over a year.  I firmly believe, without a shadow of a doubt, that this man is playing a divine role as my "helper."  In my journal I have written my guidance nearly begging me to pay attention to and believe our mission.  "Do not kill his mission. Do not ignore his mission to "nom" (lol, eradicate} illness in his love.  Kill not illness-mission not done."  Here I am being told not to ignore his mission or doubt it.  He is here to help kill illness, fear and doubt, inside of "his love" which is, of course, me.  *big cheesy grin*  If my illness is not killed then the mission is not done.

I then asked, 'What is my mission?"  Response was, "Ignore his gentle love not.  His large love is ignored.  Loving him is mission.  Love him.  Love is a gift.  Mission is ignore gem not.  Kiss his soul. His love is a gift."

But see?  I was too frightened to really accept this, especially scared to believe that he loves me.  And this fear translates into me putting up walls as a defense mechanism and then I get angry at him, my guidance and God, and I refuse to believe.

And that was a vicious cycle for a while.  I have to say this last session, these crazy messages he sent me and the hidden meaning behind them, the deliberate spirit-induced reverse psychology, totally convinced me none of this is his intention, and deep down this man adores me and, like he told me the other night. wants me in his arms.  Now.  Cuddling.  Right now.

And I get it.  It is a wonderful feeling.  I have no anger, no resentment.  Really no fear.  It's odd.  The only thing I have is the unknown of "When will I hear from him again?" but I am going to say that I will hear from him soon because I am going to make it happen by loving the shit out of his soul, lol. In all seriousness- to have a total lack of anger is a beautiful accomplishment in my world.  I really only feel love.  I still have a sense of missing him, and I love him to the ends of the universe and back but that fear-based anger is gone.  I KNOW what's happening here, and it surely is not of 3D.  I know that the only way to continue on, for me, is to have faith, patience and to manifest strongly by doing what my guidance asked me to before, to accept his love and believe in him and that strong love, and to love him in return,  To realize that through all of this he has done me a huge favor in being my helper, and I can see that clearly because my GOD I am so wonderfully different than I was before, in so many ways, and I have this twin soul union to thank for that.  Yes it's been painful but oh well. We are transformed through the fire, are we not?

He's going to be back with me soon.  He's fulfilling his part of the mission in killing the emotional illness inside of me, and I will really shift into only loving and trusting him now.  Continue with my writing and manifestation, and I know things will shift into bringing us closer into harmonization or whatever the final stages are.  I feel we are getting closer for sure.  I love him, so much, and I know he adores me.

XXOO

More on Soul, Manifestation, Free Will... and Love

This is a very different situation.  I am not sure how common my twin soul union is.  I do know a friend of mine, the one from Wales, seems to be going through something very similar.  One thing we have found is it seems we are supposed to be heavily manifesting in our unions.  Meaning instead of constantly reaching out in 3D, emailing or texting, we are supposed to be using intention to shift the energy and make it to reunion.

I don't think many can get to that point until a lot of life changes and healing comes into play because who really believes in manifestation when she is suffering or has addictive behaviors, etc.?  If I was dating another man, engrossed in another relationship full of love, life, good sex, going out, etc. then I'd have NO time available for going inner and doing any manifestation work.  So seeing as my twin soul and I are supposed to be together- I'd never get there if I was in another relationship because I would never be working to write to my twin's soul or write in my journal, doing any reaffirming, etc. If I was distracting somehow, especially with a new man, then I'd feel guilty to be doing any of this. So for me, in my union, it is essential that I stay single and do this work.  I want to be with my twin soul, and for me just sitting back and working on my energy is not going to do it. I have to consciously somehow manifest this man back to me.

But that may be MY journey.  Not everyone else's journey although it seems to be similar for my friend Louise.  God brings people together who have commonalities though so I am not surprised. Maybe for some other people they only need to raise their energy and then the twin comes back.  I do not think that is the case for me.  For me I am expected to TALK to my twin's soul, to believe in 5D fully, to choose to use energy to speak to my twin instead of only wanting to hear from him in 3D. Not that 3D communication is bad but I have to manifest.  It's my path.  And when I do not do this then he stays entirely quiet.

Any time Joron and I reconnected before was because I was feeling loving specifically about him. Believing.  Writing about him from love not fear.  No doubt.  My tired heart would calm and I would find a moment to seek solace in God, in faith, and I'd land on manifesting belief and he'd come back. But then I'd FREAK the fuck out once we connected- worrying about whether or not I'd hear back from him again, and the more I worried the quieter he stayed and the quieter he stayed the more I worried until he'd slip off again.

Now I see that pattern and I am trying to avoid it.  But I know something now.  Joron is a man, yes. He is flesh and blood- I know because I ravished that flesh and blood for a few delicious weeks and it was blissful, gah.  He is all man.  But he also has an exceedingly strong soul and I fell in love with his soul first.  Absolutely.  His soul communicated with me more than his manhood did *snort*  This is very  hard for me to explain but I feel like when Joron emails me I am talking to soul instead of a man.  The entity known as Joron knows all about me, and it must be a twin soul thing.  I'll assume he is not this way in all of his relationships but is with me since he is my twin soul.  When he talks with me he is all-knowing, like omniscient.  It is as if I am talking to God when we communicate.  God mixed with Joron's personality but they work together to push all of my buttons.  Every. Single. One. If there is anything in here I have worried about that need to come to light then BAM he mentions it in some context,  Or maybe I have bitched about something- that may come up.  It is eerie and uncanny and cannot be explained, and it is constant with him, between us.  Constant.

And the love?  It is no different.  It is all-knowing too.  Now I understand the look he'd give me when I wanted him soooo badly, making out for hours, and he'd not make any advances towards me.  His soul knew that I needed some TLC first.  Respect.  Care.  Kisses and hugs.  His inner knew it and he waited for me but I'd look at him and the look in his eyes was like he just KNEW me.  And it freaked me out because I didn't understand it.

I was in love with a spirit and I didn't even know it.  It is a strong spirit that resides inside the body of my love, and it fuels him strongly.  And now that we are in the separation phase that spirit is responsible for assisting in changing me.  It is our soul contract.  My thought is I am supposed to be a Creator, a Manifestor, and he is forcing me to manifest.  Strange strange things happen between us Dear Reader.  If I send him a message and he "ignores" me- don't think he is overlooking the info in the email.  Oh no.  His soul is all-knowing, and his soul communicates with me through him all the time.

Free will.  I don't know what to say.  I read something the other day about free will that really made a lot of sense to me.  This article is written by Veronica which is a group of spirits channeled by April Crawford.  "Veronica" is speaking of shifting the energy on earth.

"Now that the planet's energy is dangerously askew we implore all souls incarnate to bring that omnipotent energy where it belongs, to the internal thought process by which all of you create reality (i.e. free will). Your current linear is salvageable, however, the declaration of concentrated thought must be reclaimed so that the balance of energy can be regained.  Free will is the claiming of the thought process that saves... so to speak... everything."

So here she refers to free will more as an energetic choice, not a 3D choice, and that makes more sense to me.  It is choice made my the SOUL not the human being.  That really resonates with me. We all scream about "free will."  That we are HUMAN and have choices we can make.  Yes we do but free will, in my experience, is a choice made by soul not by the human housing the soul. So between Joron and I his soul uses free will to choose to put me through all of this because, well, I guess I asked for it somewhere before we came to earth, lol.  Yippee!

Anyway- that version of free will clears up a lot for me, and it quits a lot of the thrashing about. There is no way for me to escape this.  His soul and I are completely linked at all times.  When I speak to Joron, or email with him, he, the man, does not realize that his thoughts are totally powered by his soul.  How do I know this?  Because he knows all these things about me that he should not know, and he pushed all my fear buttons, and he taunts me when he should not know what to POKE me about because there are things I've kept hidden from him, and it can only be known through soul.

So the idea that we share a soul makes sense to me because what I know he knows.  Either we share the same soul or else our souls are entirely linked and how everything the other is thinking- except I am over here working to believe and he is totally unconscious to what is happening, and his body- those glorious hands- are used to write me messages that make me shake my head.  For hours.

For example.  I've had this thought about the fact that he lives in wine country yet I stopped drinking. Part of me knows he loves me with no conditions and another part of me has thought, "What if he does not want me?"  Months back I poured my heart out to him about this soul connection, in depth.  It was enough to scare any man away forever.  I also told him about my drinking.  I told an Atheist that God was using him to help heal me from 2100 miles away, that he was reading my mind, soul was talking to him, etc.  I just laid it all out there and he did not comment,  At all.  But later he kept writing to me that he was coming home and wanted to "meet for a drink" and I knew I was being poked for some reason.

Sometimes I wonder if he ever reads what I send him.  The other night was shocking to me.  He was poking the shit out of me about the drinking.  Really pushing my limits on what I can take, what I can stand up to, how much fear I can choose to overcome- and how hard I will fight to own TRUTH that this man loves me but I am being tested.  Big time.  But what I noticed is he kept almost slyly referencing those old messages, the ones where I explained our soul connection, the messages he'd never even made any comment on.  He said, "I remember those messages and you told me you had a drinking problem."  This tells me that ALL along he's known about those messages and he remembers them.  Yet he's still poked me about going out for a drink.  And this time he really called me out and made me stand up for my truth in the face of fearing I could be majorly rejected by him.  He kept saying, "Hey lame-o the no-drinking thing is a total deal breaker for me {meaning he won't want to be with me or date me or marry me} because I live in fucking wine country and I want a woman I can do wine pairings with because all we do out here is drink but you'd better be honest with me so tell me- are you an alcoholic?"  This coming from a man so little that three beers knocks him on his butt.  This all coming from the sweetest heart I've ever met.  Right.

Totally Spirit.  I spend hours emailing with his soul, lol.  But I love his soul, and I miss it.

But when in the thick of it is seems like a rock and a hard place, no?  I did not even want to lie though.  I was confident that I was being tested, majorly, and I told him I know he loves me unconditionally, and I answered honestly and then BAM he shifted and thanked me for being honest.

And then I finally breathed, lol.

But it also means he read everything about the soul connection.  And God.  And all the rest.  And none of it matters.  None of it.  Do you realize I could tell this man to go fuck himself and the horse he rode in on, and to go soak his head, and to... you get the picture and really it would make NO difference in the end?  There really is nothing that could wreck this connection because it is all soul. It can lag though; separation can last for a long time depending on what we are willing to believe.  I talk to his soul when we email, and when he shifts back into love, here is the kicker, it will STILL be his soul.  He is his soul, and he plays whatever role he needs to at the moment.  He softens when I fight through fear.  He retreats when I fall into fear.  He stays silent when I reach out via email hoping for a response but I've done nothing inner to shift my own energy.  When I fear that he is what he shows me then he either stays quiet or he gives me more of the same, and to be perfectly honest with you "more of the same" means he comes off as an egotistical dickhead and that is NOT the man I dated.  At all.  It is a man who is the epitome of my fears, a man who could walk away from me and my son without a second glance- that would be very dickish would it not?  So he becomes that.  And it was all created by moi.  Baseline though is a deep wonderful soul love between the two of us.  He is home to me.

So now I must de-create any fear I have created.  And I must do this by speaking to his soul.  I took a risk this weekend.  I wrote out all my truth to him, via email.  I did so only because he kept pushing honesty.  So I wrote him what I know about how he feels about me, and I wrote some things about my own life.  I am still a bit torn over whether or not I was supposed to do this but it is done and it was done with good intentions.  See I don't care WHAT it is I speak to- I love it.  I love him.  I fell in love with him and his glorious heart and soul when we met, and I want "him" back.  But I needed to show that I am not afraid, and that I know what truth is.

He wrote a couple days ago and told me he was traveling all weekend, and that he was not "ignoring" me.  I take that now as some advice from above to relax and not freak out.  So I am working super duper dinosaur hard to be patient and of faith knowing this man will contact me again when the time is right, and to realize this is not a dating relationship right now but a partnership between two souls housed inside human vehicles.  He is waiting for me to create this, and it can only be done with no doubts at all, and I've had to face shit that I did not even realize was here, lol.  I don't even know what to call it.  He is my 110% reflection.  Any little shit I have in my head can come through him.  I get pissy sometimes and say, "I deserve to be loved now!  I deserve love!" and I say it as I want it now.  Right now.  And I wonder if this is why he told me he can't believe I've been holding out for him and I need to go get laid.  He said, "You need to go find some NWI man to sweet talk you and give you the love you deserve."  And I can't be sure if it's poking me from my own words.  It could be, throwing that energy back into my face.  I don't want anyone else's love besides his, and I will wait for it, work for it.

And the comment about the bottoms of my feet being dirty!  I keep wondering about that because it is so odd, and don't think it is true, lol.  It had to have been from Spirit too because Joron wouldn't be that picky about me.  But see I guess I still worry, maybe, that I don't keep my house perfect enough.  I hate housecleaning.  I keep a neat house most of the time because I do not like a bunch of clutter {at all} but I hate housecleaning. I am wondering if yet again I was getting my worries about my house being dirty put in my face.  All I can say to that is my house is warm, comfy, safe, inviting, colorful and a blessing.  I am thankful for it, and every time Joron came over my home was neat and comfortable.  Clean.  We had to stop here unplanned and it was neat even then, and he saw that.  My son loves this home, and he has ample room to play with tons of toys.  This home offers him a very stress-free childhood, so dirty feet or not I am happy how I am, even if my floors are covered with trains and toys and God only knows what else, lol.  Fuck it- I am a single mother working full-time and going through a twin soul separation.  Need I say more?

I look forward to when I hear from him again.  At the same time I am seeing this as more of a process than "When am I going to hear from him again?!  Is he going to stay this time?"  I canNOT freak out. I have to stay calm.  To do so I am staying positive and REALLY believing in the soul connection. Only LOVE.  Light.  And I do believe I will hear from him soon.  I know it because I am staying balanced and in love.

And I'm doing a heck of a lot of writing, lol.  I write to his soul on and off all day.  I know he hears me.  We have a direct connection, and one day "all" of him will be here to see me again,  I know this.  And it could be soon.  I have no direct channeling right now so I am left with signs and songs and messages from Joron, and all the previous guidance I was given which was basically to defend his love, love him and believe in his love for me.  These are all the things I am consciously doing, stripping away more and more of my walls.

I am blessed to have heard from him because I was, well, wondering.  Blind faith can be a little terrifying sometimes!!!  But all the signs.  "My Kiss Is on Your List" being played three times in a month when I have not heard it before since he left.  That is no coincidence.  No way.  It is Spirit telling me- you ARE doing this.

I went to a party last night where everyone was walking around with these huge glasses of yummy wine.  And I had a bottle of water, lol.  And I was okay with that.  I gave a little "cheers" to my twin for helping me maintain my sobriety by pushing the shit out of me, lol.  I feel like I am in love with a soul.  It's a little supernatural. I do look forward to hearing from all of him soon, my Beloved, I do adore him, even in the face of all this.  He called me "love" and I, well, love that.  I am his love.

I can only imagine how utterly satisfying it will be to be in a relationship with a man I have fought this hard for, believed in, and held out for- same for him with me.  He is holding out for me.  He is a man who wants love, affection and relationship and he is staying alone for ME- so no I do not begrudge him going out and doing all those fun things.  He needs it- I don't want him just hanging out alone.  He's gotta live while I work through this.  Totally unfair to be jealous of his fun while I KNOW he is staying celibate and alone... for me.  No- I am thankful for it.

I am so so so strong.  Like super duper dinosaur strong.  Super Hero strong, and my super power is Love.  Yep.  My super power is Love.

Honesty Is The Best Policy!!!

Wow this recconnection with Joron has been OFF THE CHARTS magical in many ways.  One thing it has shown me is the need for complete and utter honesty in the twin soul union, and really in all areas of life.  But especially between twins.

So I broke down and emailed Joron a few days ago, like I've already explained.  I never really expect a response.  I just hope for one, lol.  Whenever he does respond I *know* it is more of a lesson or opportunity instead of "OMG he wants to talk to me!!!"  <--- I laugh at that thought!  None of this is about fluff at this point.  It is about learning to grow stronger, watch my intention and stay out of fear and into love.  It is also about learning to manifest what I want.

So we wrote back and forth for a while and it was brutal.  Simply for the sake of education I want to note here some of the things he said to me.

• He called me psycho, an 11 on a scale of 1-10.  Then later he told me "But psycho is so sexy and attractive!  Imagine the psycho make up sex!"
• He told me I scare him, "for reals."  That shit is SO not the man I knew.
• He told me he does not want to be a step daddy, that before he thought he did but now from the outside looking in he does not.  My question is- outside looking in?  What does he know about my son?  Nothing.  There is no outside looking in.  It is nonsense.
• Same ole' button pushing with this one: "I'm like totally married to my science so it'll prolly never happen between us."  LOL- this is such nonsense too.  No doubt about it, and the thought of Joron using the term "prolly" makes me snort.  Same with "for reals" and this other word he kept using, "Blah."  Like "blech."
• He told me there were two things he did not like about me when we dated.  Those are my belief in God and spirituality which is total bullshit because he told me back then that he loves me MORE for my passion about God, and he had me read his tarot cards.  The other is that the bottoms of my feet were always dirty?!  Strange strange strange.
• He told me there is a 1% chance of us ever being together... but do you see?  Always keeping an open door there. 
• He ridiculed me for staying single and celibate for him- telling me he was flattered but then in the next breath telling me it was a turn off that I was holding out for him.  He kept saying, "Tell me you've at least had a one-night stand.  Tell me."  And I understand why- because I have been tempted to be with others but I have held my ground and the importance of this was being reiterated to me by him flat out insisting I tell him if I'd stayed single or not.  Thank GOD above I have not been with anyone else... because in these unions you cannot lie.  If you do- get ready for soul to lower the smack down on you.  Believe it- because if you do NOT believe it then you WILL pay the price for lying, and most likely it will be by your twin soul disappearing for a week... or a month or six.  Or a year depending on the depth of your wanting to hide your truth by lying.  

Absolutely ALL of that stuff he was telling me is crap.  But it was a big huge steaming pile of really nasty shit to have to face and overlook, overcome.  A big huge load of button-pushing crap.  He came across as a bit arrogant, pushing me.  Told me that yes he was off that day, and said, "And guess what" then proceeded to tell me he was at home grilling in 70 degree weather wearing shorts and sandals while drinking a good "red wine" and he asked if I was, wait for it, "jelly" and then he had to explain to me that it meant "jealous."  SO not Joron.  I'd already told him I was home with my SICK child, and he didn't comment, at all, about my kid, and that is no accident believe me.

This is what is happening here, just so you understand, and understand well.  I dug this union deep into the ground with fear... and I am being made to dig myself out.  Almost like I tarnished it, or damaged it, and this is the repercussions I am facing, looking my fears in the face and overcoming them.  It was so scary that I had to go to the bathroom- he literally scared the shit out of me at first.  I had to keep telling myself "This is not real- this is the illusion.  It is NOT your sweet adorable Joron.  It is only Spirit pushing the shit out of you- do NOT get tripped up AGAIN Jennifer!!!  Do not fall for the fear, please please please!!!"  I kept telling myself, "I will defend my love for him.  I will defend him and our truth!"  And I have to pay the price for my fear by facing that which I have been so scared of, battle through it, deny the fears, and move on.  I NEVER comment on the shit, like I don't get angry.  I don't mouth off to him because I KNOW it is Spirit-induced and Higher Self is just waiting to see what I am going to believe.  If I react to the shit then that means I BELIEVE the shit and I am not at all supposed to believe the shit he gives me.  Does that make sense?  

The shit is opposite of truth.  Here is truth.  He wants a life with me and my son.  He misses me.  He wants to marry me and be in bed with me kissing and cuddling every night.  He is the marrying kind and loves being in a relationship.  I REMEMBER that man, and all of this button pushing is forcing me to own my truth, and I refuse to fuck up this time.  NOT HAPPENING.  I am stronger than any fears.

So I canNOT react to it, at all.  Think of it like this: he has agreed to play his role, right?  Of my Nemesis, fear.  So he is like a character in a play, up in my face spewing fearful bullshit at me.  Am I going to get angry at the actual person playing that character?  Am I going to be terrified of that person?  No, of course not.  So I am not to get angry at Joron either, or even worse- afraid. 

Then it got even more interesting.  He kept saying he felt we should just be friends, and then he'd say "But you are so sexy and attractive in person so that would be hard for me."  And he'd admit that he loves me but that we can't always have what we want, and how could we ever have a life together?  He said, "Tell me.  Tell me a scenario where we could ever be together?"  The came the ultimate kicker and THIS, my friends, is where it gets cosmically strange and magical.  Mystical. Metaphysical, 5D totally. 

He said he wanted to come back and go "grab a beer or three."  He told me he'd drank two bottles of red that afternoon, California wine of course because he lives smack dab in wine country.  I do not believe that he drank two bottles of red wine.  No, I was being poked because I no longer drink.  In response to that I told him I would meet him but that I would drink soda because I no longer am drinking.  And I have TOLD him this like three time previously, once very much in depth- a message months ago that he never responded to.  I explained this entire connection to him and how he "hits" me when I drink.  

So he wrote back and told me, "You don't drink any more?  Well that's lame.  I was coming around until you said that.  I live in fucking wine country.  I can't date a girl who can't BBQ and do wine pairings."  And I was... standing tall.  THAT is not Joron, Hell to the NO.  Joron would be understanding.  Totally.  So we went back and forth a bit on this, all the while he was being a total shit about it, telling me there are new sushi restaurants open in Chicago but he would not want to go with a lame-o.  And he said, "So I seem to remember you saying something about drinking too much.  What happened?  Why did you stop drinking anyway?"

KEY- right here.  I was being asked a hard scary question.  I was terrified at this point because he said "It's a deal breaker."  But I had to explain so I did but I skirted things a bit.  I was, how do you say, leaving stuff out.  Afraid of this big bad scary monster judging me even more.  I sent him an explanation and he wrote back and said, "But are you an alcoholic?  Did something happen that you regret?"  I wrote again explaining a little more but was still vague and he wrote back again and said this.  "I deleted those old messages but I remember you telling me that you had a problem drinking so I am calling bullshit on what you are writing right now."

HERE peeps- right here.  I was being told, warned from above, "You had BETTER be honest and unafraid of him judging you."  Well by this time I was also miffed a bit so I went off and spilled my guts.  Told him about passing out with my child at home and he could have drowned or burned down the house.  Told him how awesome it was to be lonely going to the bars making stupid decisions I regretted later.  Told him that when my ex-husband would leave me alone I would drink to escape and then it became a problem once I was home totally alone, and even worse when I was sad and alone.  Told him I did not want to turn out like my own mother, and I refused to put my child through what I went through so I stopped, and that was my choice.  My right as a responsible mother.  AND I told him that I needed no interevention.  I do not drink alone or sad.  But if I was in a healthy relationship, safe and content, then I could have a glass of wine.  One.  If I wanted to, and I really would like to do a wine tasting.  I am not an alcoholic but drinking is SO bad for me when I am alone, sad, depressed scared and throwing back whiskey.

Then before I could stop myself I hit "send."  And I waited but with a sense of calm.  It was deep already, and he'd already said way scary shit so what more could possibly happen, right?

His next email floored me.  Total change in energy.  You want to talk about orchestrated from above?He wrote, "THIS!  Thank you for writing this!  Honesty!  Honesty is all I ask for or want from a woman in a relationship.  It means everything to me, so much more than sexual attraction."

And then from there it shifted.  He stopped being so antagonistic, and I feel like I finally PASSED a major test from Spirit.  I was brave enough to share my truth with him, and going forward I have to be very careful to be an open book.  When we lie out of fear of being judged by them then they have to pull back from us.  They WILL pull back.  We can wear no masks with our twin souls.  None.  No skirting truth.  No little white lies.  No polishing ourselves us to be more shiny and new- no no no. He once asked me if I slept around after my divorce and I told him no, blatant lie.  I was embarrassed.

Then he said he wanted to ask me three questions and I could ask him too.  He started with questioning me again about whether or not I'd been with anyone, and I knew I was totally being told that it was important that I stay single.  We are meant to be together, with no one else.  This is obvious.  He softened.  Where before he was telling me "You need to get laid and quit holding out for me" now he was saying, "I know you already told me this but tell me again.  I like your honesty."And he wanted to know the last guy I turned down, lol.  This tells me he thinks I am highly desirable and like all men want me- too funny.  I was real.  I told him I refused to settle for less or share my body with someone when I am in love with him.  Bottom line.

And he asked me about my son for the first time ever.  Odd that I did not pick that up until now.  He asked me how I am raising my son, and I giving him any science- did he rub off on me and now I am teaching my son science.  And he asked me what kind of sports I have him in.

And then it was super duper dinosaur late {a kid thing} I told him I had to go to bed.  And he poked me a bit more by telling me he's coming home soon but wants to meet as friends... and lick me and taste me and some other things I won't write here but basically give me what I have been missing since he left.  And he ended that with "love you!"

I told him I am always his friend, and I love him too, and he relied and said he wished I was cuddled up in his arms.  And I told him I wished the same and asked him to kiss me in my dreams, and he said he wished and... it ended sweetly.

Which is a fucking MIRACLE do you understand me?  Only DIVINE INTERVENTION is at work here because we have crashed a few times and now it is back to him calling me "love."

Tee hee. 

So what have I learned about all this?  It can be whatever I want it to be.  If I want fear then I will get fear.  If I want it to be love, belief, faith and totally trusting in him and defending his love- then I can get that.  YOU REAP WHAT YOU SOW.  More on that in a different post.

Yesterday I had a challenged day.  I had to keep pulling myself back out of fear.  Night came and I had not heard from him so I whipped out my journal and started writing love.  And then I emailed him something short and sweet but from my heart.  And him immediately responded and said, "Hi love."  He called me "love."  And he told me he was in Reno "gambling his ass off" {and that goes way back for us if any of you have read my whole blog} and he said "Just kidding- I'm never going to let you live that down."  He told me he was traveling but wanted to say hello so I did not think he was "ignoring" me.  Do you realize I have NEVER used that word with him before?  I have never once said, "Why do you ignore me?"  Nope- but he made sure to let me know that he was not ignoring me.

I was on cloud nine.  It means I am doing things right.  It means that I am creating a relationship not only with the walking male body of my love, my Joron.  No- I am creating a relationship with a SOUL- my twin soul.  Do you understand this?  HE is "only" the body which houses the energy.  I am learning to love the ENERGY.  Joron... the way he behaves towards me depends on soul.  SOUL. Soul powers that man like... 85%.  I am seeing it now.  But I am in love with all of him.  Body, mind and soul.

And body.  Oh GOD I so want that body.  And that unique mind, gah,  He is fucking brilliant.  But... when I email with him I am emailing SOUL first.  And damn that just came to me.  Woah.  And I am going to work my ass off on continuing this upward ascension because I do not care WHAT it is that powers him or is communicating with me- I want that dear sweet soulful boyfriend back, totally.  Yes it may take patience.  But he is every love song to me.  He is my best friend, my lover, my soul mate, my everything.  I would go to the ends of the earth for him, just like I would my own son.  So I will be patient and utterly caring.  Soft, gentle, and kind in thought, word, deed and intention.

He is my future husband so I am holding him close to my heart until he is back with me.  And that's my truth.  Bottom line.  Spirit has showed me that this can happen, and I am not backing down now.

I've made a few changes that I want to note but I will do so in another post.  Just know that when you are communicating with your twin soul it is not just your twin.  It is also your Higher Self.  Never forget that.  It is much more than just having a conversation with someone you love and want back in your life.  Every time you reconnect it is an opportunity for you to overcome fear, make wise choices, be totally honest, and do any inner work that needs to be done.  Ascend beyond 3D and believe.

We truly are soul having a human experience.