This is actually a re-posting from my private blog. I reread it today for the first time in ages and I am floored by something I found and I want to share it. This blog post is from 6-15-14. The last time I spoke with Joron was 6-16-14 I'm pretty sure. It was 6-22-14 {If that was a Sunday} when I drank all weekend and then I was hit through him with the really shitty messages that mirrored my asinine drunkenly pathetic pissed off at the world state... slipping back into old habits, letting my demons take me over. Backsliding. God only knows where I would have ended up if my twin soul hadn't stepped in to help with some divine intervention.
As I write this right now November 1st 2014 my son is in bed with me watching Mickey Mouse on the ipad. He's SO adorable and sweet- my little buddy. Here is the beginning of the blog post. One thing I can say is when I was told back then to not ignore my gift I am pretty sure it had nothing to do writing a novel. I was supposed to be holding on to Joron's love which was a gift for me but back then, like recently too, I didn't know to write about the love. I wrote about a lot but I didn't really concentrate on the love. Keep in mind a few days after I wrote this I slid back into drinking again. I am just shocked that I received such a large warning and ignored it.
Let me just say I am really glad to be totally sober. There was a lot of liquor available at Disney World. Weird to feel like a recovering alcoholic {without the treatment} but at the same time I definitely don't need alcohol and after the experiences I've had- yeah, never again. I'm just sad that even after *this* I drank AGAIN but I guess that's why it's called a vice- even when you don't want to do it sometimes you end up at it again. In a way though it was probably supposed to happen. I needed one last super hard hit in order to ensure sobriety for good.
I remember the dream I have documented here. I'd forgotten it until I read this tonight.
*deep sigh*
Strange night last night. I wrote like I was guided to, hoping to hear from you since I haven't in a while. We did talk, oh what- a week or two ago- but your messages to me since were few and short, the very noticeable lack of emotion {and oh how I dislike that!} I've been guided to "gel" my gift. Lots of talk about my gift... and I'm not even exactly sure what my "gift" is. You? My writing ability? The fact that I am finally healed? I know my guidance wants me to bring you closer to me but often I kind of keep you at a distance inside, I guess so it hurts less.
I woke this morning to find a text from you at 1:30 AM my time. "Are you there? Wake up!" But I was fast asleep doll, and in all honesty I probably wasn't supposed to talk to you last night because I was emotional. The full moon was tugging at my heart, and thoughts of you were tugging at my soul. What is the meaning of all this? I love it... I got a tease, a taste. Affirmation that you felt me and were thinking of me yet we did not connect. It never feels like it's on accident. I felt like I might hear from you yet I couldn't stay awake long enough to wait for it!
And then I had this dream... a nightmare really. I have not been dreaming very much since I met you. I know others have tons of dreams about their own soul helpers but my dreams have been nearly nonexistent over these last months. So when I do have them, and I had two in a row now, they hold meaning.
Last night's dream was a doozie. I was my age now and my mom came home stumbling around, tearing the closet apart looking for something to make her "feel better." I grabbed her and said, "Mom have you been drinking?" She was all messed up on something. Now for the record my mother has been clean and sober for twenty plus years. Kudos to her for sure! But in my psyche I was being taken back to those moments when she couldn't function, when I was always worried I might find her drunk or smell booze on her breath.
My son was in my dream. He was in bed in the other room, and Magic 104, the oldies station, was playing on the clock radio. Oldies. My father was at work at the mill and I didn't know how to reach him so I called my aunt because I didn't know what else to do. But before I called my aunt I climbed into bed with my son, gave him a big hug and told him how much I loved him. While on the phone my mother came into the living room and got upset that I was talking about her. I told her she brought it on herself, and I very distinctly yelled at her, "You are a horrible terrible mother! You are a terrible mother!"
And she cried. And it was just sad. I also dreamed I had a job interview and showed up in crappy sweats with my hair slapped up in a pony tail- unprepared? I'm not sure but none of the dreams felt good. The night before, ugh, I dreamed I took a guy I was dating to a family party. In reality this was a guy I went out with twice before I met you and for some reason he just gave me the creeps, energy absolutely did not match mine. I remember when my mom told me to ask you to come to our family's annual Hungarian cook out. I was so scared to ask you because I haven't brought a new man around my family in years, and I'd have to introduce you to my son. My ex-husband was always so misbehaved around my family, never failed he'd say something to offend or piss someone off. So I was just very nervous. But I asked you, and like a dear you accepted. And again you read my mind because you echoed my thoughts in your response; it was weird back then but I get it now. You brought a gift and hung out with me and my family all day. You were quiet yet friendly, totally respectful. It was a dream come true having you there!! Gosh. Such a fun day my love. To remember eating with you and sitting with you and talking with you... and my grandma came up to me and said, "Is that man your boyfriend?" He's very handsome!" She still asks me about you. I think they have hope for us yet. On the way home you talked to PJ then came in and waited patiently as I put him to bed and we had our cuddle time. When I came out of his room you stood right here and told me what an amazing mother I am, how much that meant to you. You told me it turned you on even more to see what I great mother I am. In my dream I took the other guy, the one I dated a few times, to a family party and he was a jack ass. I woke feeling icky and wrong... and realize it was yet another nudge showing me how hard you would be to replace. How I am not supposed to replace you... and I don't want to.
But the dream about my mother holds many layers. Those were dark days for me when my mom was a full-blown alcoholic, and she was my age. And I was drinking so much. So so much, and sometimes around my child. Little Man knew what wine was, and he'd point it out at the store, "There's your wine mommy." And whiskey- he asked me once when I tried to hide the bottle, "What's that?" NO MORE. I don't need it in me or around my son. In my dream I was sober though, and hugging Little Man. But that old nasty fear was there. I woke wondering WTF? Here you text me last night looking for me and I missed it... text me after I expended all the energy to write to and about you {with love} and I went outside and spoke to God under the full moon. And I cried for you, for us. I miss you a lot. Not some longing lacking ugly "I can't live my life because I hurt so badly" missing. NO- I fucking miss the love of my life, my buddy, my pal, my confidant and my friend. I MISS you. But you did feel me didn't you?
And this morning my guidance tells me again "ignore your gift and your gift ignores you." So cryptic, like Yoda is my guidance. Jedi Master spiritual guidance have I, yes? My aunt, my dad's younger sister, is the same age as my mom. They went to school together and they both loved The Beatles. My aunt will mention to my mom, "Remember when you used to write those stories about The Beatles? Those were such good stories. You should have written more. You were really good at it." And I will watch as my mom gets very stiff and rigid and she will shy away by saying, "Oh no. I'm no writer. I'm no good." She is an avid reader, always has been, and quite often readers are writers underneath. My mom. I do not think she is a horrible mother. I think she was abused and held back and told she wasn't worthy... just like I was, and God knows the work, time, effort, blood, sweat and tears it has taken to get me released from those old chains. When I was a child my mother was not yet released. Thank God for me I've been enough to mother my own child with love, but still there were wounds that needed to be healed.
And you, my gem, you "gelled my healing" so I did not become what my mother did at forty. It forced me to stop drinking. It forced me to go inner, be quiet, learn excess patience and understanding for my son. It forced me to face those long-held fears of being so forgettable and unworthy of being held on to... it sucks feeling like I am so easy to walk away from, unmemorable. I can absolutely see what is happening.
I wish I would have been awake to talk. I miss your voice.
And I am now told "do not ignore your gift." Partially this means to write novels. I am so supposed to be a novelist for sure. But I am also told to "gel your gem." What this means is I am to write about you, to you, and make this real because... for a while I felt you were a monster. You went from being the love of my life, the best man I'd ever met besides the little four year-old who lives with me, and then BAM you became my worst fears, and I had to fight past that. I had to fight to own the fact that you loved me and Spirit was using you to feed me my fears. And sometimes now when there is silence I get scared of you again. I want to hear from you but when I check my email I get that small rush of fear thinking will it be short and cold again? Will it be monster-him or loving-him? My guidance wants me to banish all thoughts of you being a monster and know all of this has been a gift to me. You are no monster. You've been my tough love helper, and maybe I haven't liked all of the ride thus far, and I'm more than ready for this part of the ride to be over. No more roller coasters for me, thanks.
And after that dream I had last night, being reminded of what it's like to have an alcoholic parent... the fear and worry and anxiety and hopelessness- I know you helped save me from walking in those same footsteps, and as a single mother with no one here to turn to... I can't be getting drunk and putting my son at risk. My own mom could have burned the house down trying to cook dinner while intoxicated but I was there to keep an eye on her while dad was working. Here there is no one but me... my sister is often not here. I can't be drunk stumbling around, losing time, not knowing how I put my child to bed. So thank God, thank you. I know you are not a monster dearheart. And I also know I must write. So please feel from me my inner knowing of what has happened between us. No you did not just leave me because you stopped loving me. No you didn't simply reject me or walk away because I am not worthy. It is for a purpose, and I know you love me. I'm sorry we are separated, and I so would love to see your beautiful face soon. I do miss you, and I hope to hear from you soon my love.
~J
“I could not tell you if I loved you the first moment I saw you, or if it was the second or third or fourth. But I remember the first moment I looked at you walking toward me and realized that somehow the rest of the world seemed to vanish when I was with you.”
~Cassandra Clare, Clockwork Prince
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