The Eyes Are The Window to The Soul

Debbie Gibson "Lost in Your Eyes"

This song made me cry.  At work.  I cry at a lot at work; I have to close my door periodically and have a good cry.  I cry all the time actually.  I'm a crier to begin with but I have cried more in the last year that I probably have in my entire life and considering I have been waterworks galore for my entire life- it's saying a lot, the crying more this last year than ever before.

It made me cry for a few different reasons.  One is that it zipped my back to my youth and those are bittersweet days.  Very bittersweet.  My youth was... complicated.  Being an abused child I was awkward yet I had a few very close friends.  There is joy but there is also pain, suffering and sadness.  Isolation.  And lots and LOTS of unrequited love.

When my twin soul and I began writing back and forth he asked me to tell him the top five things I dislike.  I wrote "unrequited love" as one of them.  I had no boyfriends in high school and I didn't go to prom.  Any of the boys I "liked" didn't "like me back."  I had huge crushes and suffered some very real, very memorable heartache.  One of the guys I really REALLY loved went to a winter formal dance with me but just as friends.  He ended up marrying the girl he liked in high school, my best friend's younger sister, and they are an amazing couple- and he is a wonderful man and his wife is a very sweet woman who has paid her own dues in relationship.  We all went camping a while ago and it was a blessing to watch him with his wife's three boys {from her prior marriage.}  It gave me hope; he is a very loving, very kind step-father.  Back then though, my heart ached over him; it was not a fake emotion.  I loved hard even back in high school.

Second reason why this song made me cry is because Joron loves eighties music, and so do I.  We spent an evening one night sharing songs via email.  He rated all of his songs and told me why, and asked me to do the same.  He was always rating things on a scale of 1-10, lol.  Must be the scientist in him, analytical.  Eighties music makes me think of him... and it can tear me up inside.

Third reason is because as cheesy and simple as this song is- Joron always teased me that I could not look in his eyes for an extended amount of time.  We'd be kissing and he'd pull back just a wee bit and look into my eyes with a smile.  His eyes are bright blue and magical, sparkling gems.  I'd look into his eyes and literally get lost.  I'd get sucked in somehow and have to pull myself back out- it felt magnetic in nature and I didn't understand what was happening to me, to us.  

Fourth reason is because... one night after our separation at a time when we'd manage to reconnect he asked me to send him a photo of me from the eighties, with my eighties hair {there is a whole story behind that but I've posted it here before} and when I did I asked him for one too.  He sent me *sigh* {Spirit just kicks the shit out of me sometimes} his high school graduation photo.  Also I'd told God, "I wish I knew what he looked like as a child" and I swear he sent me a photo of him in his little league baseball uniform when he was younger.  Looking at him in his youth made my heart melt into a little pool of butter; he IS every boy I would have liked.  He IS my "phantom boyfriend."  He is every man I should have married, every man who should father a child with me, every man for every reason and season in my life.  He married his ex-wife at the tiny little obscure Christian church on the corner of my childhood street!  How INSANE is that?!  But every time I visit my parents I pass it and think "I should have been the one, his wife. I would have treated him like gold, loved him forever, had his thirteen kids and still met him at the door with a kiss."  ME!  He actually sent me a photo of him and his ex; didn't bother me to see it.  Luckily he did not send me a photo of him and the other one.  That would have been too hard for me... but I think Spirit knows how much I can handle.

He looks adorable in them all.  I would have totally crushed on him.  In response to my photos he told me how beautiful I was back then, and I told him I never dated.  I didn't go to prom.  On the phone he said, "What?!  I totally would have dated you; I would have taken you to prom."  And I could tell he meant it.

And that is the scary bit- it's like he should have been that one.  Like he's been with me forever, in my heart, and I was always searching for him but never found him.  Not until he walked into my life on the moonlit summer's night on my fortieth birthday, sweeping me off my feet and stealing my heart away.

I love him so much.  This is hard for me.  I've never loved someone so much in my entire life {besides my son} and I would like him back.  We did not have badness in our relationship.  It was pure and good and Spirit separated us so we didn't have to endure any "cleansing" face to face; I think God realizes that had my twin soul been cruel to my face I would not have been able to take it.  I am VERY sensitive and it's hard enough getting it via email and being forced to look past it.  Only a few times were my buttons pushed by him on the phone and I HATED hearing his sweet voice say shit that was not real... like he'd always tell me how much he loved me.  But once when I deliberately meant to question him I asked him on the phone "Do you love me?"  Full of doubt and worry, of course.  He responded, "As much as I can love someone I only knew for six weeks."  CRUSHING, and a blatant lie.  This is a man who said we squeezed six years of love into six weeks.  But because I was not believing- I was hit with my fears.  And THIS is how strange and complicated my story is: the next morning when I awoke I was, of course, fretting about his response.  I said to God, "I wish we could go back to when he'd say good morning.  I loved when he said good morning."  When we dated Joron text me good morning every morning, and good night every night... unless we nearly fell asleep on the phone together and even then he'd normally follow up with a text telling me goodnight and I love you.  God- he was very generous with his "I Love You's."  But when the separation happened all of that of course came to a screeching halt.

I dropped my child off at work and told my friend on the phone, "How much does he really love me?"  I hadn't received a good morning text from him in MONTHS and months but suddenly, right then, he text me at 7:27 AM my time which was 5:27 AM his time, and he'd only went to bed at midnight.  He said, "Have a wonderful day my princess.  I love you with all of my heart."

I love you with all of my heart.  I still have this text.  It was in June right before I freaked the fuck out, got drunk and had internal fits all weekend and then had to get the shit kicked out of me by Spirit through Joron.  Since then I've only received mirroring.

It's all I want- to go back to the moment where we could not wait to hear from one another.  Even if it is a long distance relationship for a while- I don't care.  I want him back in my life.  I'd like Joron to be my man, my husband, the love of my life forever, my son's step-daddy and the father of my child.  I want to LOVE him, all of him- not JUST his soul.  He was in my life as a strong pure love- that cannot be denied, overlooked or just "let go" of.  It can't.  He's told me over and over in this dance that he loves me... I know we are meant to be together, physically, in a strong eternal bond of Love and affection.  A life together.  A love together.  

*Big Deep Sighs*  As a child I had my crushes on celebrities.  I think it's how God got me through never dating or having a boyfriend.  I was totally in love with Joey McIntyre from New Kids on The Block.  My mom helped my friend and I get forth row tickets to one of their shows.  Joe is and was a small dude.  I also loved Michael J. Fox.  Both are little with bright blue eyes... and both remind me of Joron.  He's small, adorable, sweet smile, friendly-looking and he has those amazing blue eyes.  It's almost like I was drawn to what resembled him before I even knew him.

I swear my twin soul was my boyfriend in my heart even back then.

I know his love for me is as strong as the love I have for him.  I look forward to when I can look into his beautiful eyes again.