"I Can't Change The World"

This. Song.  Yes.  This one.  It was playing on the radio for the first time right when I met Joron.  I remember hearing it right after we began talking and I KNEW it was for him.  I KNEW he would change my life.  And boy... I am more psychic than I realize because *boom* he DID change my life.  The words to this song are 100% my twin soul and I.  Remember right before I walked out the door for our first date I asked my guidance why I was meeting him and was told "Walls will fall and hearts will melt.  This one is a gem.  Cherish him."  The song talks about building walls around feelings, just another heart afraid to break.  THAT WAS ME.  Oh GOD I loved him.  I loved him SO much- but I was utterly terrified to allow myself to believe in his strong sweet wonderful love.  He even channeled to me one night right before he got the notice to move to CA "You should accept love."

You. Should. Accept. Love.

How poignant is that?  Joron wears his heart on his sleeve, and I adore him for it.  This song is so him, and I remembered it this morning.  Had a good cry before my son woke up- had that "purge" moment.  I can get very sad because I miss my perfection.  Before I go on any further, please read the words below.

"I Can't Change The World" {But I Can Change Yours}

A bomb goes off in a far off city
A siren wails right here at home
Well, sometimes life ain't all that pretty
When you're watching it all alone

You build a wall around your feelings
Just another heart afraid to break
And you don't wanna let me in
'Cause, really, what difference can I make?

I can't change the world
Baby, that's for sure
But if you let me, girl
I can change yours
I bet I can change yours

So let Jesus look down on this madness
And let the powers that be just fuss and fight
'Cause everyone needs to pick their battles
And me–I realized

I can't change the world
Baby, that's for sure
But if you let me, girl
I can change yours
I bet I can change yours

And every time you light a flame
You just get burned and you feel like it's all in vain
You feel like
You need to learn that no one's gonna save you
No, no one's gonna save you

But I'm standing here
My heart's on my sleeve
Never gonna let you down
Never ever gonna leave you,
Baby, that's for sure

Whoa, I can't change the world
But I can change yours
I bet I can change yours

*deep sigh here*

Yep that's my Joron.  I don't care how hard it had to hurt for him to help change me- but he did.  I was thinking this morning how fortunate I am.  I don't mean to brag but I have a balanced loving twin soul who takes love very seriously.  He's faithful and loves relationship.  He's clean and pure and bright and often I ask myself why he is *my* twin soul!  I've always felt that he helps life me up.  I love him.  That's the exchange.  The mirroring... sometimes he has shown me only love.  Strong strong love.  And he always tells me how wonderful I am, always.  He has never once in this separation said anything negative about me.  If he is supposed to be mirroring my lack of trust in him, lack of faith in the connection, or lack of belief that he actually loved me and still does, he will say something stupid like "I will love your forever.  You are wonderful and would make the best wife or girlfriend too bad we can never be together."  <---- it totally reflects me not believing.  If I don't believe that we can ever be together what do you think he says back to me?  MY FEARS.  Ugh.

But never ever never ever does he say anything less than "You are wonderful."  I love that about this union.  I KNOW inside from my mirror than *I* can relax and have full faith in the fact that I am a good loving whole wonderful loving person.  Why?  Well because I know it inside AND because my twin soul shows me so.

Yes.  It's been strange.  But also Divine.  And wonderful.  And... I just adore him for what he's helped me see.  This morning I realized the progression I made before I met him.  About five months before I met him I met and slept with a man- and it turned out that it just... made me feel sick.  It was the last time.  I told myself afterwards that I was DONE.  I was actually very much in love with a man I could not have, and I would try to distract myself from that.  It was not a horrid experience with this new guy but it just felt gross, and like less.  And that was it.  I was bound and determined to change things.  The next new guy I was with would be someone I truly loved, who was worth me.  Who it meant something wonderful and pure and good.

I told God this.  And it came true in Joron.  He was the next man I was intimate with- truly "made love" with and while we made love for the first time I wrapped my arms around him, pulled his face close to mine and told God "This is the last man I will ever be with.  Him.  No one else.  I want no one else."

And I fucking MEAN that shit.  I do.

And I had some tests, but I mean before I met Joron but after I told God the next new man I was with would be the one I married.  One was when I met a man who was separated from his wife, very volatile situation.  This was about a month before I met Joron.  We met at a high school reunion and when our eyes met it was electric.  Total connection.  I learned he was married and totally blocked any communication, and he contacted me via FB.  We ended up friends; at that moment he really needed a friend.  Badly.  He actually did kiss me once and I KNEW not to let it go farther and I told him so.  I made the conscious decision based on the intention that I did NOT want to get involved with another married man.  NO.  One night he was a bit drunk and wanted me to come over.  I totally could have... and I knew what would have happened so I told him no, that it was not a good choice.

I stood up for my own personal growth and development.  I could have dated my neighbor who is a really nice guy.  We were getting to know each other, both single.  He is a great guy but... it just did not feel right.  So I didn't really push it.  And then I also clearly, cleanly and completely let go of the man I was in love with {I did not see him or talk with him often.}  With no looking back... I was shown it had to end, completely. And we had a loving ending.  Spirit ensured this.  But it was not until all of that happened that Joron came into my life.  I feel like I had already started to make some progress when he came to me.  Of course I needed the twin soul union and separation to show me a lot lot lot more {and I am still seeing and learning} but I guess it was time for me to meet him.  And when I met him I told my neighbor I'd met someone nice and just wanted to be up front about it.  I told my new male friend, the separated one, that I met a very nice man so I was reminding him we were only friends.  I wanted a strong new start with Joron.  No fuck ups.  No gray areas.  I had a boyfriend... and I adored him.  Still do.

And he has changed me permanently.  I do not feel single.  I cannot be with, talk to, go to dinner with, flirt with, text, email or expend any of my precious energy on another man.  I just can't.  My soul won't allow it, and my heart rebels against it.  I feel inside myself that Joron is still my one and only and I can't be anything but faithful to that belief.  I have no desire to share myself with another. I feel clean and whole and sober and cleanses and pure, genuine like he said, and FREE for the first time ever- and I am not willing to screw that up by doing anything that will mess with my energy.

My baby doll is just like this song.  He has helped change my world.  Thank God.  And I know he truly is still with me, only doing what he needed to in order to get me here.  For this reason I will continue to work on getting the energy for reunion.

I love this song.  It's so wonderful.  I know this ain't easy folks but if you can find it in your heart to see what they show you then it makes it so much easier to know why you are in this.  It helps to have solid understanding as to why you experience pain and what feels like loss.  I am thankful that I can look back over the last year and clearly see WHY this has all happened.  That alone is a gift.  I am also so thankful that my twin soul is such a great person, easy to love.  Easy to love... so easy.

And... last year this time I was despondent.  OMG I wanted to just die.  I felt rejected and abandoned and my twin soul and I were going through a few weeks of utter chaos before a deep silence kicked in.  I thought I'd never hear from him again.  I honestly thought we were crashed, burned, and over. Since then I have realized that "over" never really means "over" when it comes to twin souls!  Then on 11-17-13 I did hear from him and it began changing... This year has brought me SO much.  Just so much, and quickly.  I feel blessed to be past that gut-wrenching pain and suffering from last year. Knowing helps.  Now I am working on doing what I am told.  Being the best person I can be, loving myself, being true to myself.  And loving my twin soul, trusting him.

I had a huge sign.  The other night while out for Chinese I got my fortune cookie.  Before I opened it I asked God for my twin soul message.  I always get messages in my fortune cookies.  It read "Believe in Miracles."  The very next day I was driving and I heard this older song, "You Make Loving Fun" but Fleetwood Mac.  It has lyrics that say I never used to believe in miracles but I think the time to do so is now, and I never believed in magic but it seems I should start now.  I totally tuned into the song and it screamed JORON.  Then the next song was...

"Take on Me."

Yes.  THE number one song for this twin soul union for me is "Take on Me."  And it played right after the miracles song.  Spirit was SO speaking to me.

I'm listening.  I am.

Those people out there jaded by their experiences, those who have lost hope and who close themselves off, would groan and challenge me for saying this- but just like this song, Joron helped SAVE me.  He helped save my life.  For that I will always be thankful.  I know I had to do the work after seeing my reflection through my mirror- but he had to be that mirror.  Without him I would have never listened, never truly seen.  So yes, save me he did.  My Love.

We will be together, sharing our sweet kisses, one day soon.  I know that even when I shy away- he will be coming back for me one day.