True story. Once you find it it's all you know because it finally feels like home {Tristan Prettyman "Perfect Storm."} True love. It's worth fighting for. Worth believing in dreams for. Worth facing fear over. It's just worth it... worth doing everything you can think of, listening finally, trusting for once- healing. This is why twin souls exist... that and love.
I so love everything about you.
A while back during one of our strangely particularly timed phone conversations, months ago when I was freaking out wondering if I could believe all of this {I wish I would have just believed and never looked back! Oh how I would love to hear his voice again!} he said to me, "Ask me anything." I didn't want to. I was scared. I didn't understand what was happening to me, to us. But he said it again, "No- really. Ask me anything. Go on," His voice did not sound normal. It was,.. different. Calm and soothing and knowing somehow. But I went ahead and said it: "what happened to us? To California and our love and us moving out there with you?" He very calmly said, "Nothing has changed. I feel exactly the same."
Why I didn't just go with it back then is beyond me. I was scared out of my MIND. It was all so surreal. How could he feel the same exact way when he was quiet for weeks at a time when before he couldn't go hours without wanting to contact me? It did not compute for me. But he said it- and even now I know nothing has changed.
I think I understand what is happening. Higher Will has been telling me for months to "believe in the love." And I do- but for some reason with me I have to literally *write* about it. Either here or in another of my private blogs or in a notebook. I have six filled notebooks and a seventh I'm writing in currently. And that's not even me writing all the time when I know I should. Sometimes I keep it all locked inside and don't get it out. Somehow writing creates truth for me. It must build energy somehow. Lately when I pick up my pen I try to imagine I am wielding my magic wand... creating magic through my words.
Joron always mentions my writing. Our strange conversations that are obviously lead by Higher Will- he will ALWAYS send me one message where he corrects something he's written, or I've written, and comment on me being a "perfect writer." I used to think it meant I was supposed to write a novel but no that's not it. It's because writing creates energy for me. It creates change. Putting words down on paper, or typing, takes my emotions and transmutes them into something real. Before we had the June Incident I'd broken down and wrote to him a big long message that was loving and sexy and spirited and sensual all in one. I let everything flow out. He wasn't able to respond fully- I literally FELT him being strangely subdued. But he did write that he liked it, and he said "You should write romance." Or a naughty novel, lol. I was being told to write LOVE. Kisses. My writing creates reality; manifests- and this is why I am careful when I write the blog. I am careful now when I write, and with what I say and think too. Impeccable attention is paid to my thoughts as much as I am humanly capable because my thoughts and energy create my reality, and I think this is the same for many of us. I've been a little afraid of this fact though- it's daunting. And I know it is controlled by my Higher Will. Soul energy is, in my opinion, like the middle man between my thoughts/emotions/intention/words and what that energy, etc. creates. If EVERY thought I had became real we'd all be in big trouble. LOL~ instead Spirit ensures I learn my lessons and realize the importance of being Light and watching my energy by showing me I create my own life through where I choose to place my energy.
I think this is the same for many twin souls; we are souls who have reached a heightened stage of evolution and we are expected to be strong souls. Clean and pure and healed- hence the twin soul experience. We must be Light in order to become Enlightened, and Shift when the time comes. Or Shift if the Shift is happening right now. I could not become Enlightened if I was drinking and creating monsters through my fear. But Spirit has always been good to me over the years. Things I've thought, dreamed, wished for have come true, good things. Also idle thoughts have come true- I remember once I called off work and said I was sick. I very specifically said I had a fever and headache. Half hour later, no shit, I had a fever and headache. I always thoughts that was pretty ironic: now I know I was being shown that I MANIFEST through my intention. I wanted to meet Captain Jack Sparrow, lol, and I met and shook Johnny Depp's hand and when I did so I said, it my utter ridiculousness, "I love you Captain Jack!" I ached to see a-ha in concert and I ended up right in front of them close enough to see the whites of their eyes for their retirement concert, a concert that was added on to their trip at the last minute. Stuff just kind of happens for me- I just never noticed it before.
This is why I am told to ONLY write about the love and kisses between me and my twin soul. I don't even want to go here but I am simply for the sake of anyone who might read this: there is a reason why his messages are so odd. Back in August I finally sat down and did what I was told, and it was SO hard! I was told to write about him with love, to recall him and feel him again. Back in June was the moment when channeled through him was me getting the shit shaken out of me by God; sobriety and being humbled, cleared of a lot of ego all in about three minutes, came through some terrifying perfectly-timed messages. So perfectly timed it was obvious it was strong mirroring of my own craptacular shitty *drunken* attitude- but it still scared the, quite literally, crap out of me. Inner shit. But because it came through him as the channel it made me scared of him. Even if it was irrational because I know he's being used as a channel it STILL scared me. Call it conditioning. I needed to be reconditioned and the only way for me to do that is to put my memories, the love, down into words. Making the love real again, bring my love back to me. I was told for a long time to do this but I would not. I couldn't. I was scared.
But one day in August I finally sat down to do it. I broke open my heart, reaching inside and carefully cradled out onto paper one of my dearest wishes: to have a baby with Joron. It took me MONTHS to write this out. I had to gather all of my faith and hope while pushing the confusion and fear to the side, holding on to love, in order to do it. I sat under a tree by the pond during a very light drizzle and wrote. And as soon as I got to the point where I FELT him again... oh I felt his love. I saw him above me, looking down at me with those loving eyes, and I was telling him "Make a baby with me" but right when my pen hit the paper to write the word "Make" a HUGE explosion of lightning boomed right over my head. Like shot through my hands, the electricity lingered through my whole body. It was RIGHT THERE, gave me a horrid headache and my ears rang for the rest of the day. Everyone on campus heard it and thought it was so strange because there was no thunder, no real rain, and no other lightning. Just that one insanely loud, close and very low to the ground crash of lightning. I watched the small grey cloud it came from waft across the pond in front of me, It still amazes me. The soul energy is much stronger than I tend to realize.
Just the one huge crack. And I am going to tell you something- it was for me. I've attracted a tornado to me, and the northern lights- and this time Spirit got my attention by almost zapping my ass with lightning. Close enough for me, not quite zapping my ass but close, I grabbed my shit and ran for the car, shaking for more than one reason. When you, as a "normal" human being begin considering the fact that The Divine creates lightning for YOU- things start to get strange. I always keep a pendulum on me now so I asked... 'Seriously? Was that for me?" Spirit told me "Finally. You finally did it." And then weirdness continued and I was not sure what to do with it.
That night Joron wrote that he was coming home. What ensued was more enlightenment, more ego-death, more learning, more patience. But we had one email conversation that, while strange, lead to him saying what he wanted most was to have a BABY with me. He very specifically wrote about, um, creating a baby. But first the conversation started cold and with little emotion. Lots of sexy words but little love {and Spirit knows this is my weak spot- sex without love...} I hadn't written much about our love though so the love was not mirrored back to me! I had only written that one bit about making a baby. Then I tried writing about our future but I don't think I actually created that same energy of belief, of feeling his love. So when he wrote to me, channeled through him was the making a baby, lol. But little love. In the end he called me his future...
Fast forward to two weeks ago. I'd prayed to hear something to erase a fear that had been instilled in me from our prior communication. I said, "God please just show me that was not real. It did freak me out even though I am battling it." I spent the day in the coffee shop mapping out things that had happened to us over the last year: but this is key. I didn't write about the LOVE. I only reiterated the back and forth ping pong mirroring. Not the love. I basically reinforced the nonsense- does that make sense? I reinforced the ridiculous pattern of what had happened over the last year but I did not write about our love. I didn't feel him and...
Later that night I decided to email him and see what happened. He wrote back right away. He wrote, "I miss you too. I really do. Let me know when you are ovulating and I will fly home and try to get you pregnant." Do you see? The whole getting me pregnant thing.
Now try and tell me it is NOT of Spirit. I wrote that in my journal, not to him in 3D. But since I "felt" him at that moment, when the lightning hit, as I was writing about us making a baby- that's what is sent to me now. Alas mixed in with that, because I had not concentrated on feeling his love for me, was a bunch of nonsense about "not wanting any drama" and only wanting to try and get me pregnant and leave it up to fate- nothing else. Insinuating that he didn't want any warm close talk about a future.
And why? Because I had not reinforced the love. Instead I'd spent too much time concentrating on the mirroring, what I get scared of when he reflects back to me. It's like I get scared of the radio that's transmitting the scary story that I know is fiction. Why be afraid of the radio?
Why kill the messenger?
A long time ago I wrote on SF forums about manifesting these relationships. I had been told about writing and dreaming and intention. I got a lot of flack for it. Many people said "I am tired of investing so much energy into this so just forget it." But I see why I am told this- when I can feel he is only love, when I can make his kisses real to me again, remember those kisses instead of being scared, when the love is real then dreams fall into place and become real.
So now when I don't do what I am told- this is mirrored back to me in his refusal, or Spirit's refusal, to show me his love. And without me doing what I am guided to do, creating that love energy, dreams won't come true until I do. And I have dreams. Oh do I.
So I'd better start working on this. Higher Will calls this a "novel love" because it is loving, a romance. We are pure romance. I know, I know. Everyone says that twin souls are not about the romance and BOY howdy am I the first one to tell you they are definitely about healing.
But you'd have to kill me before I'll stay quiet about it not being also about romance. Love. LOVE LOVE LOVE.
So there. You are not going to tell me this God that is called a God of unconditional love arranged for me to meet face-to-face in this lifetime my twin soul, brought us together in such a magical manner, showed me heaven-on-earth and after I'd already told God I was DONE with men who meant nothing to me... ready to be pure and true to myself, and to love, brought me my loving Joron- had us fall in love, kiss for hours and hours and make the sweetest most genuine love together... only for us not to have a happy ending.
Nope. I do not believe it. I believe it is up to me, to us. In my case it seems to be fueled by my energy. Not sure why but that's how it has seemed from the beginning. I believe and he comes close. I freak out and he disappears, and it's all energetic. I believe that we are meant to be together. I think most twin souls are meant to be together, and I don't buy into the bullshit that we are mostly meant for some highfalutin "mission" together of changing the world like we are some kind of Superhero couples. Our super power is love, and our mission is to heal and eventually come together in a strong strong love. That is the mission. I think some couples do come together to do strongly spiritual stuff because they are spiritual people to begin with. But I think some just come together and love strongly. People make it too complicated. And others claim it is not for the love, not for coming together, "only for the healing" but this because they did not reunite and the only way they can come to grips with that fact is by saying "it was not meant to be." It's how they rationalize not reaching reunion, to say it was not meant to be, not really that special, easy to move on, I also think some people are in strong soul mate relationships and think it's a twin soul. I can see how that could happen. I thought for about five minutes that my last soul mate was my twin soul but I knew very very little about them back then. Oddly enough it did not cross my mind, even with all the insane mind-reading that Joron was my twin soul. It was not until he left and shut off that I was told from above that he is my "soul twin." Then the strong mirroring began and it leaves no doubt that he is special to me- no matter the label.
I know each of our journeys are unique. I do. But when I read people say "My twin soul is stupid" or "He's lucky to have me" I just cringe because I take this experience very seriously. I try to strip myself clean of ego. I have invested over a year of my life, tons of energy, loads of pushing to believe, enduring so much pain and fear... and a huge amount of love into this union. I will always feel like we are meant to reunite, and after going through all of this with him, experiencing the strong otherworldly love, I know in my heart there is no one else out there as perfect for me as he is. I know soul mate love. It is strong and sweet and good. Twin soul love is indescribable and cannot be duplicated. It is life-changing. I will never be the same after meeting him, and I would not want to be who I was before I met him. I respect my twin soul a ton for going through this with me, not bailing, listening closely to his soul. Yeah it hurts at times but guess what? These images doesn't look very fun, do they? And had he NOT listened- well, I'd be worse off that I was and I know the feeling portrayed in each of these far too well. My mother is a recovering alcoholic, so is my father. My mom became an alcoholic at age forty- the same age I met Joron and was cured of my own blossoming drinking problem. Can you say divine intervention anyone? My son does not deserve an alcoholic mother, I deserve to be free and healthy, not imprisoned by addiction, and my dear twin soul does not need a closet drunk for a girlfriend. Truth can hurt, hm? *sobbing*
Thank God for my twin soul.
Now ask me why I love him so much despite the hard shit he shows me.
And just for good measure...
He looks similar to my own dear child. My sweetheart who, once or twice, I don't remember how I put to bed. I still shudder in horror to recall waking up from a drunken stupor not knowing where my child was- creeping in terror to his crib hoping he was in there, peeking in and breathing a sigh of relief to find him safe and sound safely sleeping. I am SO protected. I'd tell myself "It's the last time" but I had a hard time stopping. I didn't mean it. I honestly didn't. It took that horrific incident with my twin soul to finally get me to stop drinking. My love. He listened to his soul. That is why this poem reminds me so much of him. My aunt told me she read this and it reminded her of me and Joron:
Love by Roy Croft
I love you,
Not only for what you are,
But for what I am
When I am with you.
I love you,
Not only for what
You have made of yourself,
But for what
You are making of me.
I love you
For the part of me
That you bring out;
I love you
For putting your hand
Into my heaped-up heart
And passing over
All the foolish, weak things
That you can't help
Dimly seeing there,
And for drawing out
Into the light
All the beautiful belongings
That no one else had looked
Quite far enough to find.
I love you because you
Are helping me to make
Of the lumber of my life
Not a tavern
But a temple;
Out of the works
Of my every day
Not a reproach
But a song.
I love you
Because you have done
More than any creed
Could have done
To make me good,
And more than any fate
To make me happy.
You have done it
Without a touch,
Without a word,
Without a sign.
You have done it
By being yourself.
I love the meaning behind that poem. It absolutely reflects how I feel about him.
I wish more people would realize that this is honestly lead by Higher Will in a way most of us cannot understand. We are used to this idea of "free will" and free will is not what we think it is. I know Joron wants to love me. If he had his choice he'd be with me openly and freely but his SOUL has other plans. If I am to believe we have a shared Higher Will, and I honestly think we do, it is working through him in order to heal me. And working through me to ensure I continue to love him and believe in him through all of this. I may sound egotistical here but I think I have faced down more shit through this twin soul union, and stayed to continue to love him, than a lot of people could manage and stay sane. I am stronger than I usually give myself credit for. I explained all of this to him, the drinking, the mirroring, the soul mates. I admitted my drinking problem and how he'd helped to heal me. I explained this all in two longggggg emails to him. Ever tried getting the nerve to write a bunch of soul stuff to a staunch Atheist? LOL- not the easiest thing to do but I wanted him to know WHY he does what he does. I was worried about him. His response? Two weeks later he wrote to me. Hit "reply" to one of the long messages {after I refused to write about the love} and told me he was coming home- and we could meet for a drink.
A drink, lol. Talk about Spirit sending it home. Never. Drink. Again.
I often wonder what his lessons are. What is he learning? What's the plan for him? Sometimes I think it has to do with strong love. I have never once stopped loving through all of this. He had shitty relationships before me. I showed him true strong love. I may have had my own fears but I loved him hard and true, and I only wanted to be faithful to him. My neighbor flirted with me once while we were dating and I remember quite clearly telling him I had a boyfriend who I really cared for and it was my intention to be very honest and true. LOL- I also remember checking out some guy when we were out together one night. Joron was in the bathroom and had no idea this guy had caught my eye. I was sitting there thinking, "Is Joron The One? Have I really found the right one finally?" He came out of the bathroom, walked up to me and started teasing me about this guy I'd been sneaking a peek at- and he had no idea I'd been doing it! Ugh- Spirit!
I have always known deep in my heart that he is the same wonderful man he was when we loved together, when we kissed and hung out and shared dreams and made love and snuggled and had science pillow talk. He once told me if I ever mentioned Geology during pillow talk he'd probably get on his knees and ask me to marry him.
Marry him. That's my dream. I don't buy this funny business that says twin souls are not meant to be married. No- it's not EASY for twin souls to be married because all of the inner work must be done first and not many want to do it. It takes time and patience and working through fear. But true love is worth it. So we all must believe in love. We must know they are truly being used as mirrors for us, and I often think the "runner" is used more as the mirror for the "stayer" for some reason. I am not sure why entirely- but at least in my experience he mirrors me back my hard stuff. My experience has been very close to what Jenna Forrest writes about through he own guidance. Thank God- it reaffirms what I am going through and gives me continued hope that one day my love and I will be back together again.
I only mirror to him love. Once or twice I've been tempted to go off on him, lol. Having the mirror shoved in my face is not fun. It's like wanting to throw the radio across the room because I don't like what's being broadcast when in reality it's a really great radio, a favorite that I'd never want to hurt in any way.
Now I am truly wondering if writing a lot about our love {oh happy day for my readers to read more about *GASP* the love... the ooey gooey love} will help speed up this process. Will somehow magically bring our truth closer to me. Truth is he's love, my love, and he loves me a lot. He's always wanted to be with me, and he misses my kisses a lot. Our wonderful kisses. He dreams of me. I know he does because he told me that he dreams of me so I am not only the woman of his dreams but the woman in his dreams too. He wants to love me, to be free to show me that love.
And if writing about the love, every day if I have to, is what will create intention, manifest, reap what I sow... then fine. I will do it. I am so ready to have my love back with me. I'll do just about anything I am told right now.
Even dreaded yoga if it comes to that ;)
So in love. Keep the love. Hold on to the truth, to the real person not the mirror.
Love.
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