Soul Kisses

This image says it all... Joron and I kissed constantly and what I didn't know then that I know now is our souls were rejoicing- communicating through those kisses.  It felt like a celebration when we kissed.  It really did.  Our kisses were much more "innocent" than this picture though.  We kissed fully clothed and hands above the waist for weeks, hours on end..  A simple embrace, close and comfortable but totally 100% lip-locked for evenings at a time.

Bliss.  His kisses are heaven on earth- honest to God I'd follow him anywhere just to share in those kisses.  Why?  Because his kisses are silent proof of his love and bonding with me.

We spoke of kissing before we even met.  As I've already described here, from our first emails we realized there was a strong connection between us.  I know looks are not everything but when we exchanged photos my heart skipped a beat; he's adorable.  To me he is perfection- little, charming, sweet, cuddly and just overall joyful-looking.  Great smile.  Glittery sparkle in his eyes.  In one picture he sent me he is holding his fuzzy little poodle up to his face and to this day I wonder if he realizes just how adorable it is to see a pic of a man loving up on a tiny little fluffy dog: that's my Joron.  In another picture he looks a lot different- more angular.  He's wearing his Flying Spaghetti Monster shirt, seemingly one of his favorite t-shirts, that is a sign of his Atheism and he's got another huge smile, holding a beer at a party... but as in all of his photos he's got this huge glowing smile on his face.  He often looks different in his photos.  The last picture he sent me, the only photos he's sent since we separated, was back in March.  I have to laugh about it- it's like Spirit was testing me.  He looks kinda goofy- horrid selfie, lol!  Stubble {and he's normally totally clean shaven} kinda puffy looking but he has that same bright smile.  I laughed when I saw it because all I could think was "Oh how I'd love to kiss that goofy-looking face for hourrrrsssss..."  I don't care how he looks.  I just love him.

I did think he was cute though, before we met.  And our conversation was so wonderfully warm and amazing, and our emails and texts so engaging that I could not wait to meet him.  Well- until I freaked out momentarily and told him I could not meet an Atheist because God wanted me with a Believer.  Duh.  Double Duh.  And then I missed talking to him, apologized and we met on my birthday.  But I clearly remember pulling into the parking lot with nothing but butterflies of anticipation.  No dread like I'd had on other first dates.  Oh no- this one was like looking forward to a little vacation: I knew he'd be perfect.

And he was, and is.  And always will be perfect, my perfect love.

I saw his car first, small black two-door and then he was getting out of it, walking up to me from across the parking lot.  Or shall I say "bounded" across the parking lot.  Joron bounces.  Jovial.  Big illuminating smile.  SO happy.  Purely joy.  He said, "You are just as beautiful as I knew you'd be" but it was not a "line."  He was being genuine.  And he was so happy!  He gave me a warm strong hug, and I lost my heart right then.  Handed it to him.  My love.  We went in for a drink, sat there for a while talking and I was in heaven already.  Destiny was being created in that moment. Then he slipped from his bar stool and asked to go for a walk to look at my "birthday blue moon."

From the moment he held my hand I knew he was the one for me.  "Is it okay if I hold your hand?" He wrapped his hand with mind and I was gone.  I've never returned, and I never will.  Best, Night. Ever.  We ended up at my house so I could use the bathroom and I remember how respectful he was. He didn't try any funny stuff even though we had darkness and privacy.  He sat quietly on the couch and then popped up when I came out of the bathroom, didn't try to touch me until we were back outside.  I appreciated that about him.

At the end of our date we walked back to our cars parked in the lot.  As we walked up to my car I turned to tell him something like "I had a wonderful time" but before I could even get the words out he stepped forward, took my head in his hand and laid this huge whopper of a kiss on me.  He *owned* me with that kiss.  It was brief but strong and intense, a kiss that said "I've been waiting weeks to do that and YES it's as good as I thought it would be."  Tongue and all... My God that was the PERFECT kiss.  Not overwhelming or too forward but innocently sensually respectfully exploring.  It was a kiss that blew my mind.  I literally swooned and went in for another, lol.  We stood there making out for about a minute, lost in each other, until we both stepped back with a little giggle and just looked at each other.  He is perfect.  Perfect in every way.

Oh God.  I miss his kisses.  He's so wonderful. Gah.  Like warm buttery pool of goo perfectly loving.

He got home and immediately text me telling me what a great time he had, asked me for another date. His birthday was the next day and I think we saw each other a couple days later.  Very similar date. Met at the same bar but I was super antsy.  I could not sit still so we left to walk again.  I had to pee again, lol, and we went to my house after walking for a while.  But I clearly CLEARLY with vivid detail recall walking by the park holding hands.  He said to me with a smile that he didn't want to scare me but he'd been single for a while and was ready to fall in love again, said being in love was a wonderful thing.  I remember thinking "Is this guy for real?"  He told me a bit about his last relationship, wearing his heart on his sleeve while I fell more and more in love with this lovely charming sweet endearing little scientist.  Walking along with him holding hands and talking was, to overuse a word, perfection.

At my home he was sitting on my couch again but this time I walked over to him, sat down and he gently leaned in and kissed me.  We spent the rest of our date sitting on my couch kissing, getting closer and closer.  I've had some great kisses before with soul mates.  I won't say I've never had a great kiss before Joron but there was one HUGE difference between those kisses and Joron: those kisses lead straight to physical intimacy, sex.  These kisses were gentle and kind and kissing just to enjoy being close and cuddly and innocent.  Innocent kisses.  Wonderful kisses. SO respectful yet full of desire.  But tame yet smoldering.  Oh. My. God.

I'd give pretty much anything to kiss those lips again.  To look into his eyes.  We touched each others face a lot.  He'd reach up and turn his face to mine when he wanted a kiss, and he'd do this with a small smile before looking at my mouth and laying one on me.  And that one would last for hours.  He always chewed gum, always, and he'd slip his gum to the side in order to kiss me, lol.  I love how he'd smile a little before kissing me, like "Yeah!  She's right here and I get to kiss her now!"

Next time we talked we agreed to be "a couple."  I had a boyfriend, lol.  A real live boyfriend.  I was thrilled- could not have asked for a better man to walk into my life.  I asked for all my rocks, everything I wanted and deserved in a man, and he came to me in the form of a sweet little Atheist Geologist who blew my life open, forced so much out of me.  Twin souls... If there was ever a "twin soul" then he is to me that is for sure.  We've been through so much together.

I miss his kisses.  So much.

My guidance has told me for months to "believe the kisses."  I have pages and pages of channeling and all of it tells me to believe in the love, write about the kisses.  I have not known how to do this.  I still am not sure exactly what it means but I am winging it.  When Joron and I dated mostly we just kissed.  He respected the fact that I am a single mother so he was happy to drive over to my house and sit with me while my son slept, after I put him to bed.  I rarely got or get sitters.  And honestly all I wanted to do was kiss him!  I looked forward to the moment when he walked through my door and I was able to lay my eyes upon him,.. and did I mention that at first I was so surprised that I was so attracted to him?  He is totally opposite my assumed" type" of guy which was a big burly tall "man's man."  That type did not fare so well with me as my ex-husband, lol.  Joron is so different.  Delicate hands that do scientist work, tests and experiments and logging findings and collecting research and doing excavating.  And loving.  His hands, oh God his hands.  So tender and gentle in all ways!!!  He'd bounce up my steps and into my house with a smile and whatever little gift he'd have with him: such a sweetheart, always.  Always.  He'd come over and we'd hug.  And then we'd walk to the couch and sit down to talk which would last for all of about oh say... three minutes, lol.

Then he'd look at me.  And smile with his sweetly gorgeous amazing blue eyes.  And he'd do that thing where he'd kind of half way say, "Come here" and reach for me to touch my face.  He'd turn my face towards him so our lips could fit together perfectly and each time he kissed me it was like my heart stilled.  I'd go perfectly quiet, content.  A small sigh would always escape me- like I'd finally found home again.  Home returned.

I love my father and my brother,  I do.  But if I had to answer honestly who is the best man I've ever met in my life- I'd say my Joron.  My son is always my main man but he's different; he's my child.  I don't have to "choose" him- he just is, lol.  But Joron is the best man I've ever met, hands down. Those wonderful hands that would run over my arms, embrace me, run over my hair, touch my face... he'd pull back a little bit to smile at me and make eye contact while we'd kiss.  I could only take so much eye contact with him.  Looking into his eyes made me... feel like I was getting sucked into the universe.  I'd feel something inside of my shift and I'd have to giggle and look away.  He always teased me about our eye contact.  I have a precious email from him where he tells me he'd tease me about the eye contact BUT he actually loved making me smile like that.

Joron could make me laugh.  I have always been a bit on the serious side.  As an adult who was an abused child... sometimes I can be very reflective.  Having a child helped me a lot because with my son I can be a child again, actually experience what it's supposed to be like to be a kid.  As an aside this is one reason why I try not to be too hard on my son when he's being a joyful kid, even if he is a little too loud or too rambunctious- kids are supposed to be kids.  I was not allowed to be a child and it shows in me as an adult.

But Joron- he made me laugh!  I loved kissing him, noses nuzzling, all wrapped up in each other- and we'd giggle.  He'd look at me and make a funny face, open those amazing eyes really wide and I'd giggle.  I've never felt better or more safe or more wonderful that in his arms.  The only thing that compared is cuddling with my son- it's just different.  A different intimacy, of course.

Only with Joron did I feel... like someone was finally taking care of me.  ME.  Taking care of ME. And yes, due to my past and my fears it did scare the shit out of me- and lessons were ahead, lessons I didn't know were coming, lessons that yanked the rug out from under me to show me the effects of my own fear and energy... but at that moment, when he was still in my life and in my arms...

Those were some of the best moments of my life, again only comparable to holding my son in my arms.  Nursing my son was one of the best experiences of my life.  I am made to nurture and snuggle and kiss and love- I am.  And I am not ashamed of that.

I read about kissing today.  See... I am totally bonded with Joron.  I gave up the last time I tried online dating a month or so ago.  I can't.  *shrugging*  I just can't, and now I will go off on a bit of a tangent about my personal feelings on the spiritual community and some of the New Age bullshit that it out there right now.  I do not believe we are made to be promiscuous- sorry but I just do not believe that sex with different people should be seen as "experience" or "lessons" or learning from other "souls."  There is something to be said for purity and keeping our energy fields clean of unnecessary karmic debris that comes from sleeping around, sharing intimacy with no love.  And I am no saint, believe me.  I've had my share of sex without love experiences, and none of them left me feeling good.  One thing I've read about twin souls that I hope is true is that once intimacy is shared with a true twin soul is kind of wipes your karma and energy clean and clear.  After being with Joron I canNOT imagine making love with another man.  Like ever.  And this is coming from a woman who felt like she HAD to be in a relationship- now I'd much rather be alone than with someone less than Joron.  Less that my twin soul.

There is all this talk that twin souls are really not our "one and only."  Bullshit.  Yes I understand that many people do not reunite: but many many people get stuck in ego and refuse to see the divinity at play in the twin soul union.  If a person can't get past "He is ignoring me and I won't tolerate that so off I go to the arms of someone else" then, well, don't plan on reuniting.  If you can't be alone long enough to face your shit by YOURSELF then I don't think reunion will happen for a while.  Until The Universe tries to bring him back and the signs are trusted and believed and followed.  I think twin souls are given a bad rap because so many people cannot do the work necessary to try and get to reunion.  It is SO not fun.  Holy shit- I am trying so hard to do the work.  And it has entailed me facing some scary mirroring bullshit.

And I've had to be alone, and I mean alone.  I've been a hermit.  The other day I went for a walk at the park.  A man about my ago who I'd seen there before came up to me and said, "Oh I barely recognized you earlier {he'd said hello about an hour before} because you colored your hair.  I was going to ask if you wanted company on your walk."  Well- he's a friendly bloke, and nice on the eyes. But I quite literally froze and did not know what to say!  All I could think was "No I'd rather be alone."  I smiled and said, "Oh thank you!  It was a nice walk to clear my mind."  He said maybe next time.

My point is I did not want to walk down a lonely nature trail trying to make conversation with another man who is not Joron.  I am very friendly- I will talk to anyone.  I live for giving a smile, making eye contact and really asking a person how his/her day is going... but I did not want to take a walk with another man.

Why?  Well in reading about kissing I found out some interesting information.  There are three stages to kissing.  To begin with the chemistry involved {and soul and biology I'd think} gives a person a signal from the very first kiss that alerts whether there is a connection or not.  We've all had those fall-flat kisses.  Ugh- one of my "experiences" was with a nice guy, Paul.  But from the first kiss I shuddered.  I had to fake it... why I faked it I don't know.  I was going through a rough time, my shadows were coming out.  Later I told Paul I didn't want a second time with him but we did meet for lunch one afternoon.  He reached out and put his hand on my thigh and I almost elbowed him square in the nuts.  I'd started, slowly, to heal.  But I remember how WRONG his kisses felt.  Nothing there. And to try and share intimacy like that is an empty sickening Hell.

And to gaze into the eyes of perfection, and lips meet lips of the most perfect connection ever, where sparks fly and hearts melt and eyes shutter closes and butterflies flutter and the earth slows on its axis and stars shoot through the sky and hands gently graze over hands and faces and arms embrace as two bodies slowllllly meld together to become one even while fully clothed and only hands are being held- THAT IS HEAVEN.

So when first kissing we learn whether there is any connection.  If there is then the first stage of kissing is swapping spit to earn sexual attraction.  A good kiss can land two strangers in the sack pretty quickly when the chemistry is hot and heavy.  Then comes the "Walk of Shame" the next morning, lol.  Or maybe not- many marriages have occured from those types of kisses.

The next stage of kissing is creating a "romantic" connection- where I couple wants to be in a monogamous relationship, boyfriend and girlfriend.  We hit that point after the second date. It was mutual- he asked to see me again and I said, "Um- when do we not see anyone else?"  He said, "Now."  LOL.  Said he was happy to have me as his girlfriend and he wanted no one else but me.

*SIGH*

The third stage of kissing is bonding, attachment.  The chemicals exchanged.... and the love that grows between two people with extended kissing brings them to a place where they want to be together long enough to create a life and child together.

Considering that we spoke of getting married, kissing each other every night forever, making a child together, moving away and being a family with my son and another child on the way... I'd say we hit stage three.  This is because for weeks all we did was kiss.  Honest to God.  I could have survived on air and kisses.

Air and kisses... the perfect diet of love and God.

Heaven.  Just heaven.  I just want to fold him up into my arms, want to listen to his beating heart, want to kiss him just because I can.  I do {Suzie Suh "I do."}

I ramble, yes.  But here is my point.  I am not one who believe we are meant to "detach" completely from our twin souls.  Not all of us.  I am not one who is supposed to learn some lesson about detachment.  I know about "attachment."  I've been fucking single for over a year after a traumatic sudden unexplainable separation from the love of my life: if I was one who could not be alone then I would have had another man in my arms, life, heart, bed... quickly in order to run from the terror and pain of twin soul separation.

But I am damn stronger than that so I took the more challenging route, fended off any "attachment" desires and stayed alone to work out my shit.  To work through my God damn nightmarish fears and to take some nice long hard looks in the mirror without the complications of having anyone else in my life other than a sweet little four-year old life saver {God knows how to plan it, that's fo sho.}

But step three.  BONDING.  We bonded.  All that kissing- we kissed wayyyyyyyy more than we "made love" meaning intercourse.  We made love through our kisses.  Oh did we!  Oh my GOD all there was is love in our kisses.  Holy Sheep.  Huge love.  Like blinking neon sign on the highway "Love Created Here!" glowing love.  But... to bond with someone like that and then... to find yourself reading an email from him saying he in getting on a plane to move 2100 miles away...

Is Hell.

It's like taking a heart and ripping it to shreds.  I did my best.  I didn't know what was coming, didn't realize how much I had to heal.  Especially the drinking.

I read something else this morning.  "Ten Warning Signs of Alcoholism."  I recognized like 8 out of 10 of the signs as things I'd experienced myself in my refusal to stop drinking.  Blacking out or memory loss.  Drinking to fit in.  Drinking to cheer up {a really big bad one for me- I turned to alcohol as an escape, and I could not stop with "just one.}  It was getting SO out of hand and yes, Joron's mirroring nipped it, finally, in the bud for me.  The experience I had with "him" back in June will go down in history as the exerience that blessed me with sobriety.

But we are still healing from it.  I have had a difficult time overcoming that.  It was hard and scary- and I brought it on myself.  I DID.  He is and was and always has been only love, only kisses.

And because we BONDED... because we kissed every few nights for hours for weeks before even making love, because chemically and spiritually and biologically we connected on every single level- I cannot let him go.  No one else will ever compare to my Joron.  No one else's lips will ever feel as perfect... as sweet and soft and loving and gentle and kind.  His kisses are kind.

And I know why his song, the song that represents him, is "Your Kiss Is on My List."  Because he misses my kisses.  I know he does.  It does not feel good for either of us being separated.  I have two videos of Joron and I kissing; he made them on our last night together and then sent them to me on the plane as he flew to CA.  They are perfection.  A few giggles.  His hands on my face, my hands gently stroking his cheeks and head and loving him.  I love him- and it's so evident in how I kiss him in those videos.  And his love for me is strong and true there as well.  And after the terrifying separation and quiet began- the Hellish mirroring that scared the shit out of me because suddenly he went cold and I didn't know why... one of the first "warm" things he wrote to me was "I wish I could kiss you every night."

I remember sitting there pondering that message.  If he didn't care... then why would he insinuate wanting to be with me every night, like married?  Together.  Why?  Now I realize that all along he's wanted that- to be with me.  He wants to love me, wants to be with me, wants my kisses every night. Joron wants to be in my arms as much as I do his.

And yes- those kisses are truth.  Love.  All I have to do is go back to those kisses and know the real him.  And yeah I've doubted.  Go through the Hellish mirroring that I have and you'd realize just how challenging it is to hold on to love in the face of fear.  I've had to cling to truth like a woman drowning in the midst of a stormy sea would cling to a lone life raft while crashing around alone in a roiling dark tumultuous ocean.

I have not let go, and I will not.  I am still waiting for the moment when my love walks through my door and I get to kiss those lips again.  I know it will be bliss.  Any time or distance or words or... any of this- all of it will melt away once he is in my arms again.  We love each other so much.  Just so so much.  I adore how the man was so utterly content to come here to the home of a single mother and do nothing but kiss.  He had no expectations other than being in my presence, knowing my love.  He loved being showered with my strong unique intense love.  We truly are perfect for one another- and this is why he is my twin soul, no one else.  Only him.  We are the same.  Same energy.  Same love. Joron totally waited until I made that first move- he never pushed.  He never even once made any kind of move to urge me into sex.  Only once did his hands slip up past my thigh and I smiled against his lips, took his hand and moved it gently away.  I am not even sure why I did!  I'd had sex before, lol.  Way sooner than with Joron... but something caused me to have this feeling of innocence with him.  Like I wanted to relish in the comfort and safety and healing patience of the glory of him.  Does that make sense?  I was enjoying HIM.  Just being with him.  No TV no sex nothing but two people sitting quietly talking and smooching.  For hours.  Better than perfect.

I will kiss him in heaven.  I will.  That will be my heaven; kissing my twin soul for eternity.  Call me pathetic.  Call me so far in love that I can't see reality- I don't care.  I am SO in love with him.  I love him unconditionally and I remember how perfect our kisses are.  The waiting so respectfully.  He'd get home and text me that he knew making love would be so perfect and close and kissy when it finally happened- but he'd reassure me that he wasn't going anywhere.  That he was content to be with JUST me.

I needed that so much.  I'd face him on the couch, straddled on his lap, arms around his neck just entangled so perfectly with him, kind of gently moving together while time slowed and no one else seemed to exist on earth and when we'd finally break and come up for air we'd open our eye all full of that glowing love and we'd hold each other's gaze for a moment, swallowing hard and I'd wonder how I got to be so lucky to be loved by this gem of a man.  Oh how I never wanted to let him go, ever.

To adore another human being like he did me- how I doubted that I will never know.  Past wounds.  But I do know my truth- and he is love.  My love.  No matter where he is or how much time has passed or what energy is exchanged between us- I know that love.  I refuse to let it go.  The night we finally made love for the first time was sweet.  But we had to build up to it.  Our intimacy was simply an extension of our kisses... during this separation we reconnected hard back in March.  I thought we might reunite but I lost it inside again, fear took over and he went quiet again.  But he text me, and I kept it.  He was planning to come home and see me.  We were exchanging intimacy after a four hour phone call.  He text me and wrote that he could not wait to be with me, making love with me, inside me looking into my eyes and saying "I love you."  Kissing.  Loving.  So loving.

That is my Joron.  Nothing less.  Noses nuzzling.  God I miss that feeling- I love him so much.  Love like that only lasts forever.  It's why certain words have never been exchanged between us and never will- there is love, strong love.  We've had to go our own ways for a time but we will be together again.  When I close my eyes I can see his jaunty jovial Tigger-ish bouncy joyful self.  My gem.  So lacking ego that he's super open to Spirit working through him to help heal me, essentially save my life since I was on my way to being a full-blown alcoholic mommy to a pre-schooler.  It has not been fun but I love him for it.  And I refuse to forget who he really is.

The backpack story.  He agreed to play this strong scary role for me before we came to earth.  Agreed to hop in my spiritual back pack until he was needed to enter my life.  The only thing he said to me before hopping into my backpack, saying goodbye until we'd meet again as babies- born in the same hospital at the same time only to reunite again at age forty under the light of a blue moon... before hopping into my backpack, knowing the hard times ahead, he said to me, "Just don't forget who I really am."

I won't forget, my love.  I know you.  I love you.  I always will... my kissy face loving sweet gem.

Third step in kissing is bonding.  I bonded with him and he with me- it is not a bond that can be broken, ever.  He is my love. My LOVE.  I am his love- this is why we still have a connection {no matter how strange it is right now due to the mirroring.}  Joron loves me and he misses me- what would it be like if I just abandoned him now?  Walked away after being shown the Light?  Made him be a channel for Spirit to show me things maybe I didn't really want to see... and then just leave him? Nope.  It is clearly evident to me that what had to happen did happen- and I LOVE him.  I will fight for my love until I have those perfect heavenly kisses back in my life, my love in my arms where he belongs.  I owe my twin soul my faithfulness and belief.  I owe him to always know who he really is- that sweet adorable kind man who came to visit me simply to sit with me, hold my hand and kiss me all the way to heaven and back.  To revel in my company.  To want to be with me.  To love me.

Yes.  We miss each others kisses.  I pray I get to look into his glorious eyes soon.

This song says it all, my love.