Sometimes We All Need A Hand...

Right as I am sitting to write this Sara Barellis's "Brave" began playing on Pandora.  It's a song about feeling free to express yourself.  Words being used to break out of an emotional prison.  I know my blog is anonymous; I have one "real life" friend who reads my blog.  She is one of my very besties, and I love her.  If she reads this she'll know who she is- one of my angels.  Even though my blog is anonymous it still shares what I need to share.

I started this last night but didn't finish it.  Now it is morning.  I am here with my cup o' joe and a very quiet house since my son is with his father.  Last night was a hard one.  Very.  I am finding it increasingly difficult to balance this twin soul experience.  I am not saying I WANT this {at all} but when a person leaves your life and you know it, a period of grief can settle in while you work on healing and getting over it.  Maybe the person died.  Or maybe it is a heart issue, a break up.  But when there is a definitive end then a person can turn to packing those memories away and moving on. Sometimes this involves being alone for a while,.. then allowing love in again.  This is not the case in a twin soul experience.  Especially not mine. There is no ending.  Joron moved away with the intention of having a LDR with me.  Even his leaving felt surreal.  Who falls in love and then one day just hops on a plane without a face-to-face discussion?  Who shares the info via email and in the message says things like, "I can't wait to be around California people again" and "I feel like Joron unchained" and "It's been great knowing you Rose!"  All mixed in with "Can you and your son come visit me for a couple weeks?" and "I've been crying all morning."  It's been weird from the beginning. My doubt mixed with truth {love.}  He'd show me his love but it would be peppered with nonchalance or callousness which is a reflection of my doubts- that huge doubt of "I don't really mean enough to him to be an important facet in his life."

It truly is a debilitating doubt.  It is killing me and I will probably be writing a lot about it here for a while as I get past it because something is going on inside of me, and it hurts.  Badly.

And then three weeks later he disappeared.  After talking to me for hours and asking me to come look at houses with him.  He told me where he lived was a great place to raise a child *hint hint* he said. That photo he sent me {must have used his self-timer} holding up a sign that read "I LOVE you Rose" with his cute adorable little smile and glimmering eyes.  TRUTH.  Do you hear me doubt? That was truth.

I almost drank last night.  Well I did, a few sips.  My son was waiting for his dad to come get him and I went to the basement to see if there was any liquor left behind the bar.  I found like one good shot's worth of a coffee liqueur.  I figured I'd make myself a drink after my son left.  Well he peeked downstairs, saw me by the bar and asked, "Mommy why do we have a bar?"  UGH- it was one of those moments where I felt Spirit nudging me through my son.  He just HAD to comment about the bar.  I snipped at him, "Get back upstairs and eat your sandwich like I told you to!"  I was upset that he saw me, that Spirit knew.

I did make the drink.  I sobbed.  I seriously miss Joron.  I am not even going to feel bad or broken or unhealed or whatever about that; he came into my life, fell in love with me, shared love with me, made love with me, and then BAM suddenly was GONE.  FUCKING GONE.  It would nearly kill anyone and I am so tired of feeling weak and pathetic because I miss the man I fell in love with. How am I supposed to just stop?  It's not possible.  Especially not when he's always been out there this entire last year.  Haunting me.  I took a few sips of the drink and forced myself to dump the rest in the toilet.  And just the couple sips made me loopy and spinny and even more morose than if I had not taken them.  I am SO not supposed to drink.  Thankfully though I did dump it.  I reminded myself of the night back in June when I freaked out inside and got hit with my mirror good and hard.

Is turning to a vice for momentary escape worth it?  No.  Not when I know it fucks with my energy hardcore.  I just hate being alone now.  I'm so tired of being alone.  I was alone in my marriages.  I loved men I could not be with so the time with them was fleeting, my choice I know but it is fact. And all I dreamed about each time I let one of them go was when I would be able to be with someone for REAL.  A real relationship with someone who loved me as much as I loved him.  Who I could snuggle up to in the morning without being brushed away.  Someone who actually slept in bed with me and not on the couch.  Someone who could spend the entire night with me.  This is why I told God "I am done.  The next man will be free and able and will love with me or I refuse.  No more.  No more pain or what I can't have."  Then I met Joron and once we made love for the first time he laughed and told me "If I'm going to be staying over then you'll need to get me a pillow."

So I did.  I sleep with it every night.  He never did stay over but his head was on that pillow.

I am so sad.  My heart is aching, and because it is aching I feel lost and forlorn.  I know I am supposed to be "joyful" but come on- really?  Joyful?  This should NOT be happening!  We loved each other.  I am upset.  I am a GOOD person.  Being loved by me is a gift.

If you were to go back through our emails you'd think we are crazy.  Moments of warmth and reconnection with all of my messages being loving but normally so, not crazed or delusional or pushy, etc.  Just loving.  Sweet.  He'd even tell me how sweet I am, etc.  How he loved my love.  Told me I reminded him of that character "Strawberry Fields" because I am soft and kind and gentle and loving, and YES that is me.

But then out of nowhere his messages come through and they are... pure horny.  No sweetness.  All lustful and almost cruel in their lack of love.  And a total paradox.  "I want to come back and take a chance getting you pregnant.  Make love trying to make a baby and then in a month we will know our fate.  If you get pregnant then I'll stop this nonsense and be yours forever.  If not then let me go now." And also "A reminder- I'm just coming back to come inside you and try and get you pregnant.  No drama, no relationship talk.  No promises.  No bullshit this time."

And there NEVER was any bullshit.  I never say anything bad to him.  Why?  Why don't I "stand up" to the insanity?  *DEEP SIGH* Simply because I know I'm being fucked with from above so when I play into it then the energy gets worse and worse.  Believe me, oh believe me!!!  It takes SO much more patience, belief and self-control for me to respond with love {knowing he's being used as a channel} than it would be for to go the fuck off on it all.  I finally did tell him this last time "No deal. Forget it based on those terms.  I want the old Joron back; I don't believe you.  This is not you."

His response to me?  It was something like, "Fine then.  I had my credit card out and was going to book a flight for Monday.  You know once we seen each other it would be just like before.  Don't bother me anymore."

DON'T BOTHER ME ANYMORE.

Those words.  It was those words that cut me to the core, and they shouldn't!  It's so not him yet it still hurts- and that means there is something inside me that is still not believing, not feeling whole. And yes, God DAMN it all- I know that once we are in front of each other it's going to be just like before.  His love will be back.  He will be back "on" and he's going to be going all ape shit in love on me.  I KNOW this.  I know that he is only subdued and quiet and not himself at all in order to shove me through whatever is going on inside of me.  Once he told me in that deep intense way he can get, "I know once I am in front of you I'll just melt.  Once I see you I'll melt."  DUH- of course he will. This is why he is 2100 miles away and silent.  Because it is the only way to make this happen.

Part of me wants to torment him right now with pictures, videos, emails every day.  I have not shown him my red hair and I know he'd go gaga over it if things were "normal" between us.  But I know that's not the way to handle this situation, and if anything I'd be spitting in the face of Higher Self so I refrain from indulging my 3D urges too much.  I have emailed him quite a few times in this last six weeks.  I told him I got a new car.  Told him we were going to Disney World.  Sent him a link that reminded me of when he ate raw cookie dough and got sick.  Sent him a link to a song that reminded me of him.  Sent him a casual hello.  Poured my heart out to him telling him I know he loves me and we are meant to be together.  Told him I hope wherever he is and whatever he is doing I hope he's happy.

Told him to have a Happy Thanksgiving and that I hoped wherever he planned to be had ham since I know he hates turkey.  All loving, all kind.  Nothing insane or stalkerish or out of line.  This is a man who, while separated, wrote to me and told me "You are my obsession Rose."  I don't have to feel weird sharing my heart with him.

Another thing is ages ago he said we'd always be friends no matter what.  He was sincere although we'd already fallen in love so being "just friends" was never going to work.  But the sentiment was "I will always care about you."  If he truly was "friends" with me now, if this was a real life relationship that was going through this, he'd say SOMETHING.  But does he?

Nope. Nada.  It's a strange surreal silence.  The only time he's responded was right before Disney, mid-October.  I spent the day writing about this last year {instead of concentrating on the love like I am supposed to} but I also prayed for a sign that he is still there because back in August the last message I got from him {after I called and begged him not to ignore me, not to skip out on seeing me before going back to CA... reaffirming the "he's a douche just ignoring me and hurting me" thing} told me to let him go now.  That he could not be with me because of... my son's DAD.  Such a stupid reason.  Very impersonal, nothing to do with a flaw in me or my son or even the love between Joron and myself.  My son's dad.  Joron told me when we dated that he wanted to get me away from my son's dad, wanted me to move to CA with him; shit even through this strangeness he still says he wants us in CA with him.  He's not selfish or insensitive; he would not let my son's dad stand in the way of our future.  It was just another jab at me from above.  But it still scared me.  He also repeatedly said "I'm just an asshole.  You deserve better.  Let me go now.  Find someone better now.  I'm just an asshole."  That is also unlike him, and I am pretty darn sure it is a reflection of my fears.  I worry this IS the real him, this cold cruel INSANE mirror, and when I doubt him and think this could be true then I am "hit" with him showing me he is an asshole.  It's shoved right in my face.  And he is not an asshole.

This is a man who came over, saw all this books this Literature major and book-lover owns, and asked me, "Have you ever read "The Hitchhiker's Guide to The Galaxy?"  It it his favorite; we talked about the cosmos often.  I told him no and the next time he came over, maybe two days later, he brought me a beautiful leather-bound, gilded-edged anthology.  And chocolate.  It was before Halloween and he brought me a Fannie May chocolate bar.  He thought to walk to Borders on his lunch break and buy me the book, and chocolate.

That is not the sign of a thoughtless asshat.  That is the sign of a damn good loving kind selfless thoughtful caring friend and lover.

Do you see?  Any of you reading this... do you see how my Higher Self uses LIES to teach me? When I doubt I am then hit with all my fears.  They are given to me as truth.  So let's say I was afraid that... my job is on the line {I've had this fear before.}  My guidance would channel to me things like, "Ohhhh your boss is not happy with your last project.  You don't communicate well.  Everyone is annoyed with you."  ALL LIES but they would be my doubts so my HS would feed those doubts to me until I got so sick of it that I stood up for myself. I told myself I may not be perfect but I do a good job and people like me.  Then HS stopped stuffing those fears at me.  HS does the same thing to me but THROUGH Joron.  I think many twin souls go through this.  The one who fears the most is the one who gets shit channeled to them through their twin soul.  And if we respond to the lies and TRUTH then we reaffirm the lies and they get stronger and stronger and it becomes a vicious cycle.

That is why when people in the 3D, even other twin souls, scream "Stand up for yourself!  Tell him off!  Cut him out of your life!  Question him!  Ask him why he's doing this to you!" it's fruitless.  All that 3D nonsense will do NOTHING but make the task even harder.  You can question and you will either get NO response at all or else the response will just reaffirm your fears.

I once let some peeps push me to finally questioning Joron about his quiet.  I'd even been told by a psychic not to do it.  She said, "He's only going to lie because he doesn't even know why he does it." But I did not listen to Spirit.  I listened to PEOPLE.  And it backfired.  I asked him why he waits so long to contact me.  He got this tone in his voice like... he just didn't know and he said, exasperated kind of, "I... I guess I'm just selfish, that's why.  I'm selfish."

AND THAT IS UTTER BULLSHIT!  This is a man who has told me more than once that he LOVES being in a committed relationship; he longs to be married.  He thinks having someone to share life experiences with EVERY DAY is the bomb.  He's told me over and over, "If you were my wife I'd have to make love with you every night, sleep next to you every night.  I want to wake to your face every morning."  He's said, "I like having someone to share life experiences with."  He LIKES having that close connection, a love in his life.  So staying quiet like he does {and it even feels forced in his messages} is not coming from him.  It's not like he's sooooo busy that I become a non-priority...

But ahhhhh that's my fear, see?  That I am not a priority.  So I worried about that- that I am not a priority to him.  My ex-husband used to go out drinking all the time.  Or bowling.  Or golfing.  He would never be able to go out with me on my birthday because he had a golf outing every year on my birthday.  One year it was rained out and instead of coming home and being with me, maybe thinking about taking his wife out, he got super drunk and fell while screwing around foot racing with a bunch of his buddies.  That was my ex-husband.  Drinking, bowling, golfing, always with the guys and never choosing to be with me.  So one night this last June during this twin soul separation I am worrying that Joron is quiet because I am not a priority to him and what did he email me?  I emailed him and said "I miss you!"  He emailed back and wrote, "I miss you too.  I need new friends here in CA though.  The ones I have now are turning in to the same kind I had back in Indiana.  All we do is drink and golf.  Call me if you want."

FUCK ME.  Just fuckkkkkkk me.

I HATE the fucking mirror.  I HATE IT.  HATE IT.  Do you see?  He POKED me directly with that fear of "I have not contacted you because I've been too busy drinking and golfing with my FRIENDS so I could not contact you."  Just like my ex, and Joron is NOTHING like my ex-husband.  Joron told me that the place he wanted to be most was home with his love, not out with his friends.  He has friends, and even when we dated he spent time with them but he always made time for me.  Or he'd text me while with them, "I wish I'd stayed home and spent time with my love.  I miss you.  Can I call you when I get home?"  Or the time he had his guy party at night but asked to take me and my son out during the day... his idea.  Not mine.

But when I forget those things, when I just default myself back to being a non-priority, when I FEAR that he just left me because he didn't care enough to choose me... then he mirrors those fears right back to me.

And I am having a rough patch getting past it right now.  I'm sad, lonely, and I'm horny.  I don't like extended celibacy; it's not fair.  I'm 41 years-old and my husband did NOT want me sexually so we rarely were intimate.  I had to beg him for sex.  I deserve to be in a solid committed relationship with a man I love, one who loves me, where I can make love with him unrelentingly.  God brought me this man who is JUST like me {even down to the wanting sex every day} who shows me intense attraction and love... and somehow I block him from me.

Honestly if I did not have my son I'd throw myself under a truck or off a bridge because this is the most frustrating experience of my life, and I don't like it.

What do I do?  Hm?  HS has been telling me for months to write "truth."  Kisses,  Mother the love.  I act like... I don't understand.  But do I not understand what I am supposed to be doing with my energy?  Am I being told to write what I know about him and us, for sure?  That he loves me entirely even if I tend to ignore it?  I'm just so tired of it all.  The silence sucks, totally.  I could not get him to respond to me if I told him my ass was on fire.  It's like he's just GONE.  Useless to reach out via 3D.  I may WANT to hear from him via email or a phone call or just a simple TEXT message- but I am not going to get that.  Ha!  Of course not.  It's how HS breaks us. By taking from us that easy out, that affirming communication we all so desperately desire.

Not. Going. To. Happen.

And oh yes it still pisses me off at times.  *sigh*  Because I want him back in my arms so badly.  My gift.  I miss my gift.  Life just will never be the same without him.  Call me what you will but when two people love so hard and are then whisked apart for NO REAL 3D REASON, no big fights, no name calling, no throwing shit at each other... when the love is still obviously there... but it's some big huge spiritual lesson- it is much harder to let go than when there is a "real" reason.

I don't think I am meant to let go of him; I am meant to let go of all the fear and doubt and old way of thinking about life.  I am meant to go inner and talk to him there.  Write to him in my heart. not via email.

Honestly I am SO tired of feeling like this guy just chose to up and leave me in the middle of a strong love affair, like I really am that easy to walk away from.  Like my love {ME} is not a gem to be cherished too.  Being loved by me is a wonderful thing, just ask my son.  My son is SO utterly joyful, happy, well-adjusted, loving and caring.  Why?  Because *I* have mothered him and loved him.  ME.  That is all me.  MY love is grand.  I'm a snuggly one but I still know how to offer space and independence.  Joron knew this.  Joron is a snuggler too.  It is why he fell head over heels in love with me to where he could not stand to be away from me.  So for me to sit here feeling like he could think so little of me to honestly disrespect me... is preposterous.  It's probably doing a disservice to him to even think for a moment that any of that crap is really him.

This is why he recently wrote me insanity then immediately wrote again and said, "But that's not really me.  I'll still be the Joron you knew.  I'll treat you like the princess you are and make love to you like it was our wedding night."

Higher Self kicks my ass with my own energy.  If anything- learn from my experience.  This IS all happening to me.  It is not my imagination.  It's not just some guy abusing me and I'm taking it.  Believe me- if I really felt that way I'd tell him to go fuck himself in a heartbeat whether I love him or not.  I am so not scared of losing Joron and I like defending myself!  I am more nervous of not listening to my Higher Self because I know I am at a place in my progress where it is expected that I grow.  And lashing out at Joron for reflecting things to me that I need to see would not be right, spiritually.  It might feel good for a moment, 3D satisfying to let EGO rule me for a moment, but I won't do that.

I know he loves me.  I know I am worthy of that love.  My love is wonderful.  My son and I gave him a gift before he left.  We even bought a toy for his cute little doggy.  *I* am thoughtful too.  I am a great girlfriend, a woman that should be missed when moved away from.  A woman where the only thing that could keep that man from me is divine intervention, like that Jason Mraz song "I'm Yours" where he says "Nothing's gonna stop me but divine intervention."

That is Joron.  My love rocks to the point where the only way he can stay away from me is if he's kept away.  I know this.  I get kind of tired pontificating on how great HIS love is when you know what?  It is my right to be loved, and I AM love.  Good love.  I treated him well too, very well.  I loved him hard, made him dinner, hung out with him, kissed him endlessly, wrote him kind letters, bought him little gifts, spent quality time with him.  Invited him into my home.  Blessed him with MY precious time and MY body, heart, mind and soul.  When I kissed him I just simply adored him, touched his arms, cupped his face, nuzzled his nose, told him often that I loved him but even more- showed him.  Am I perfect?  No- but my past has a lot to do with my "issues."  Love worries me because I'm always afraid of when it's going to blow up in my face and hurt me like all the other love in my life has.  And so I carried this over to knowing Joron, and it blew up in my face too because... I guess I had to see past my fear.  He forces me to see through my fear by being the one who shows it to me.  Yippee.

But I'm sick and tired of sitting here fretting over whether or not this is all real.  Did he leave me, reject me, abandon me, or not?  No he didn't reject me, and if he did then it would be his loss for leaving the love of  a lifetime behind.  I am the love of a lifetime.  Me.  I am the one you want to take home to your mother and then marry, fast, because I love hard and will always look out for you.  I make great love. I am made TO love... to love others, and to be loved.  Some people out there may live a different existence where they are not the most nurturing people, love is not as important to them.  Well I am an Angelic.  I have only love-energy inside of me... and I am made to love.  Being without that love is not fun for me.  Without it feels like something is missing.  But I refuse to think I am someone that a man who was so entirely in love with me could just leave and then forget me.  It's stupid to even think that way.  Unreal.  And again- if that were the case then it would be his loss for letting me go.  Even my silly ex-husband has told me he knows he should have treated me better and wished he had.  But we are not suited for one another and it had to end.  I didn't want to be with him either; we are too different but still he knows he had it good with me.

But Joron and I?  I've never met someone I resonate with more than him, on all levels.  And yes that is a hard thing to watch drift away.  I'd like to somehow reunite with him.  I do love him.  But I refuse to worry that I am unworthy, like he's some kind of God and I am this pathetic thing at his feet needing his love.  I am not.  I just love him.  He is a normal, good man.  A little scientist.  My Geologist.  Super brilliant, funny, mirthful, kind, sexy and loving.  Yet he is still a man, like I am a woman.  But also a strong soul.  Yet we are the same, neither one better than the other.  I have to keep that in mind to retain balance.  If not then I feel like I am this beggar asking for love, and that is not true.  There is no begging for love here. I should not need to convince him to love me or sell myself to him, list my assets or "lure" him.  He already knows me.  He knows how loving and kind I am.  What a good mom I am.  The man wants a child.  He should be drooling at the idea of having ME raise his child.  I am open-minded, loving, nurturing, strong, peaceful and really fucking smart. He loves science and I love books, the arts.  We both adore the universe.  Together, when balanced, we are like a superpower duo in the best way.  We'd rock it.  But that is because I am worthy too. Not just him.

That shit he sends me is such craptacular lies.  I gotta figure out what it is I am doing to keep that shit coming my way.  I am so so tired of it all now.  I am ready to move on to a semblance of "normal" life with a quite peaceful little family with a mom, dad and kids.  Not singlemom-dom forever.  At this point I could care less about some combined "mission" that's all deeply spiritual and "saving the world."  I have my blog.  Read it.  Learn from it.  Believe it, and try to listen to your own Higher Self when it talks to you and shows you shit through your twin soul.  There is my contribution to humanity.  That and my love for my fellow human beings.  Beyond that I just want my dreams to come true now.  Love, marriage, family, another baby, joy without having to constantly TRY to be joyful.  I AM SO FUCKING TIRED OF TRYING TO BE JOYFUL.  Love of a lifetime *poofs* and disappears- sorry but I am not so joyful then.  I have joy but I also have sorrow and heartache.  That's what happens when a strong love just up and disappears.  Don't get me wrong.  I laugh and sing and cuddle and smile and talk to people.  Visit.  Go places.  But it is just not the same feeling as when that love is also there.  True story that.  And don't try and tell me I have to be "completely joyful on my own first."  I am strong, independent and doing it on my own.  I have my joy now, alone.  But I want it all.

I deserve it all.

I want Peace.