I may not know everything about my twin soul union but the more I write the more I am reminded of one very important aspect of all of this: my drinking was seriously getting out of hand. But it was a sign of escaping from my demons especially the one of not believing when someone loves me.
Joron brought this demon out of me big time; the entire situation was made to be that way. His love for CA and knowing he wanted to move back there totally pushed all of my buttons: would he want me? would he leave me behind? would he love me enough to stay with me? to choose me? Yes- Cali fucked with my head big time, and it was probably supposed to.
I needed to be cleaned out. I would binge drink, and at times I would drink more than others. It would come and go but over ten years I drank a LOT. Mainly wine and then hard liquor. I can throw back whiskey like a pro- it is my poison of choice. Sad, hm? I cannot be around hard liquor. I won't ever have a bar in the house, nothing. I honestly will have to spend the rest of my life totally dry.
So the more I look at this the more I see that Joron has seriously showed me that I can never drink again. It took FOREVER for me to finally own that fact. I ignored it being shown to me every other single way possible. So blind. So needed to escape, and man when he left it exploded big time. I have already documented here the strange instances when I was lead not to drink while I've went through this separation with him. I was shown over and over, told directly, not to drink.
Fuck- I even found a channeling from a few months before I met him. I'd recorded my guidance telling me not to drink. I was told not to "waffle" on this- to not drink. It is bad for me. It allows my dark side to come out strongly, and it also lets the darkness in. I feel "attacked" when I drink. It's like I open up, lose my defenses. I honestly think had I kept it up the one day I would have killed myself while drunk. I'd feel SO forlorn, angry, full of rage and hatred- not myself. And very despondent.
And then... one of my bestie's cousins took her own life not long ago. She was spiritual, our age. A drinker too. Very sweet, etc. Kind, Loving soul. And she let a suicide note that said the darkness was after her and to save the life of her child she had to kill herself to escape the darkness.
I have felt that darkness before. It is no joke. I've written stuff in my journal during my darkest times that is no good. Sad. Despondent. Once or twice I've come way too close to wanting to end it all. I remember how I felt the weekend I got "hit" so hard THROUGH Joron. I felt like SHIT. I'd been battling too- wanting to hear from him. Doubting. Not listening to Spirit but listening to other silly humans with their 3D comings and goings and advice about how to handle the situation "Corner him and question him! Demand some answers!" Well I did just that- questioned him and I got hit with MORE doubt through his responses. The more I doubted the more shit I got thrown at me!
And so what did I do to escape? I got pissed off {throwing up my walls of defensiveness} and I drank. All weekend. First I got dolled up and went out- luckily not to the bar, thank God. But I wanted to flirt. I wanted to hook up, I felt sick. And I had a headache when the alcohol wore off. And I was PISSED OFF over my twin soul union. Mad at God, Spirit and Joron. Mad mad mad. Keep in mind the card I had pulled before that said "You will not be punished for your anger but BY your anger." Spirit let me stew all weekend. I was horrid inside. Petty and angry. I was mean to my son on Saturday morning. Made him cry- screamed at him, didn't want him around me. Horrid.
And Sunday. Ah Sunday. I had wine in the fridge so I started drinking at like 1PM. With my kid home. By 4PM my time I was already getting drunk, tipsy enough to stumble while trying to cook on the grill {reminiscent of my own mother.} I remember thinking "Oh Spirit won't be too happy with that!" Something shitty.
On the phone with a girlfriend who is going through her own ego-stripping. My spiritual soul sister. Commiserating on our broken hearts. On our shit. I said some craptacular stuff about this union and the "ignoring." "I am so sick of being ignored" etc, etc. and BAM- right then, at a time when he NEVER ever writes to me {Sunday afternoons} he sent me two emails. Not one but two.
And they were not fun. Like biggest monsters ever. Like every scary things I am afraid of was smeared on the page by him. He didn't call me names or say bad things ABOUT me. He just said things that showed a total lack of affection. He was mirroring back to me all of my shit. I was being shown without a shadow of a doubt that I needed to STOP and stop now.
It was fucking brutal to endure- and only him being an open channel who listens intently to his soul made him able to do that to me. I know what it feels like to give a message I don't want to give. I have done it before- it must have been similar.
All I know is it scared me into total sobriety, forever. I know never to drink again. That shit would cure ANYONE. It was seriously like my worst nightmares were coming true.
And I knew it was not true but it was SO fucking scary that I've had a hard time letting it go. But see- he saved me.;, and it's hitting me more and more how sad it is to hold that against him in any way, shape or form.
Higher Will has spelled out the word "drunk" a few times to me- not that I am a drunk but to remind me how badly it sucks to feel drunk. I'd take "just one drink" and the next thing I knew I'd be passed out or feeling like total shit. Horrible. Just horrible. And I needed to be healed of it, and oh did this heal me.
So again- I am reiterating to myself just how important this entire situation has been, and how important of a role he's played in my life. I know his role is not over but I will say that I will love him forever for "listening." And I know who he really is. Not what he shows me. That's just the mirror.
He's love. And I love my love.
And I also love how good it feels to be totally sober, not to worry about that monster ever again.
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