A heart-knowing is what is needed in a twin soul union. I am still dealing with some doubt. It's like all of a sudden my MIND kicks in and says "But what about this? Or when he said that?" and then I begin to analyze all the back and forth, cause and effect, mirroring schtuff that happens between us which is exactly opposite what I am supposed to be doing.
Let's be honest folks. It's not the easiest feat to receive messages from my twin soul that are just plain hurtful and nonsensical and write them off as not being his intent or heart but instead being Spirit guiding me through him. Thankfully Spirit makes them SO off the wall ridiculous that it's blatant and in my face "this can't only be him." No way. But I am human too, not just soul. I have a brain and ego and feelings that can get hurt... and receiving those messages forces me to overlook the negative emotions they illicit.
Doubt: it sucks. I know why my guidance has me writing about "the kisses" constantly. Even if it seems redundant. Even if it is privately in a notebook... for me when I write I cement my reality. When I write about his kisses and love then I feel his kisses and love, and he becomes again that man of the kisses and love. When left to my raging thoughts I find myself slipping back into "Just how could he do this to me? How can he be so quiet? Doesn't he miss me?" It is very hard for my 3D mind to understand how Joron stays so quiet. I KNOW and believe and have been shown that it is of Spirit but my ego fights hard. I think surrender, for me, is just accepting the fact that if I doubt him... if I do not fully trust in my "gentle gem" and know with 100% certainty that he is the man who drove to my home, brought me and my son little gifts, and kissed me for hours, days and weeks on end {asking nothing more than to be blessed with my presence and strong love} then that DIStrust is reflected back to me with SILENCE. Silence.
If I doubt his goodness then no goodness is shown to me. Does that make sense? And it is the bottom line for me right now. This is why all of my blog posts will now revolve around this point: you reap what you sow. The mirroring. I have to know with only deep faith, no doubt, that Joron is not at all what is shown to me to make me face my doubts and fears but instead just love. Writing it out, writing out the love and keeping it close to me- keeping it REAL to me, is my soul journey right now. Why? Because doubting his love is what brought me here in the first place. As I've written before, he would email me while we were dating and tell me what I wonderful girlfriend I am. How much he appreciates me. And he'd write "I REALLY love you. I hope you accept my love." <--- right there. I was being shown even then to PLEASE believe in, trust and accept his beautiful love.
But I doubted it. I doubted his feelings for me. I wondered just when he'd drop me, when I would no longer serve his interests, when my dreams would be shattered.
And then were shattered when he got the job offer to go to CA- and then even farther were they crushed to death when he shut off. But my journal back then seethed with doubt. I also battled resentment that he was off in CA without me. I worried. I hoped too but I did create a self-fulfilling prophecy through my doubt, and also this all had to happen so I could heal. It's not really my "fault." I had to wake up to see how fearful I was of love. The night before he received the job offer to move to CA he wrote me late at night weird stuff: channeled stuff. You've read this before if you are a follower of my blog; he wrote "I'm so sad you don't love me. You really should accept love." Then the next day he couldn't seem to explain why he wrote it. He said he was tired and goofing around to see if I was still up but NO- I remember the goosebumps I got when I read his words. And then the next day BAM he was gone.
How I could even DOUBT any of this is beyond me! Do you SEE just how insidious and strong ego-based fear can be? I get signs constantly. This man- his love for me is imprisoned. I felt that love come back to me in March. He showed me CRAZY love, and it was because I'd been writing and really created a HUGE amount of belief and "knowing" and suddenly he came through. And it was wonderful. He told me he hated saying goodnight or goodbye to me when we'd hang up the phone, and that he wanted me with him forever. He'd be up at 3AM unable to sleep, emailing me. It was like suddenly ALL that love he'd kept inside for a while *exploded* out of him.
But I doubted. And then over a few days I felt him "go quiet" again. I can "feel" it. He does from "real" Joron to "Spirit-subdued" Joron. And it bites, royally. But I saw it. And the more I believed then the more TRUTH he gave me. I can look back now and see that when I doubted I'd get fed shit by Spirit. An example? Before Joron left for CA he got a sampling of how my ex-husband can act from time to time. It was not pretty. I did not ask for it- it just happened that Joron heard my ex on the phone deriding me, and he already had an idea of what my life was like. It's not a bad life, and my ex and I get along fine now, most of the time. I honestly try really hard to keep a decent relationship with my ex. But back when Joron was in my life he saw, literally, what dealing with a drunken ex-husband who is the father of my child {and I respect him for that} can be like. On the plane ride back to CA, to be there permanently, he wrote to me and told me he wanted to get my son and me out to CA with him. He wanted to be a good influence to my son, wanted to be good to me, wanted to help me. And you know what? That sounds marvelous because I've never been able to truly depend on anyone to "take care of me" when I need it most. Yes I have good friends and family but I deserve a MAN in my life I can count on at all times.
So Joron saw the way my ex treated me. He knew things about him- he'd seen him out at the bar before. He said he wanted to help me and my son, give us a good life. But months later he writes to me and tells me "I feel bad taking your son away from his dad."
WTF?!
Where did THAT come from? My own guilt maybe? It's a total 180 from how he felt before, and there is no real reason for that. Nothing at all changed to make him feel differently. I think I am given SHIT from Spirit when I doubt. So when I doubt Joron's love for me then what happens is I am given untruth. Lies. The two things Joron has told me are his concerns about "us" are both not truth. One is because I accused him of having an addiction, a vice that Spirit told me he had {and I did not believe it then and don't believe it now} and then the bit about my son's dad. BOTH are fabricated and untrue, and I think it's to show me that when I doubt I am going to then be hit with non-truth.
If I believe in truth which is he loves me and is the same man he was when we dated, then I will get truth, like I did back in March. Back in March Joron brought up his "addiction" while we were talking on the phone. I was super embarrassed and again explained that I have no idea why I was told to tell him about it, that I didn't believe it. He said to me very lovingly, "Oh it's fine. No big deal. We love each other enough that we worked through it. It's in the past now."
Call me crazy but it's like... it was being erased. And he's never again mentioned it. It was like since I was believing in him, trusting in him and the love, the "issue" between us {that was not real to begin with} was disappearing.
Funny that Spirit had to actually CREATE issues between us. We had no real issues. We are totally only love to each other. I firmly believe this is why he had to move so far away and be nearly unreachable unless he contacts me. Because we did not argue. We would not have fared well with the "testing" stage because we didn't like hurting each other, and neither of us had the desire to fight. We are both too much just love for that. Instead he had to move away, get shut off, and basically only shows me the mirror via email. It's too hard for him to do it even over the phone. I suppose it's less personal, less harsh, and more easy for him to channel the shit I need to hear/see when it's through email; once during one of our surreal email conversations he even wrote "You know this is not the real me. I'll be the same Joron you knew. Easy to talk shit via email."
I was being told by Spirit, "This is not him- and you know it." I was being told, and he even told me, that once he is in front of me he will "melt." None of this distance, quiet, separation or any of the rest of the stuff that is hurtful is REAL. None of it. Only the love is real. Only that sweet kind man is truth.
So yes I still battle with some residual doubt although I honestly feel my truth in my heart. He's a good man being used to clean me out and force me to own my truth. I was told our mission for each other: he is here to help heal me and save my light. I am here to love him and trust in the real him through what he has to do to me and for me. If I doubt him then I am not fulfilling my half of the bargain, of the mission, of the soul contract.
I get it. I do. He is love. Perfect love.
I really feel the only way to reunion now is for me to trust him fully. Honor his memory, that sweet man I knew, and disregard {while keeping the lessons learned} any of the harsh bullshit that's been channeled through him. How am I to do this? By writing about the love.
You should too. Honestly- it's worked for me in the past. It's how we create strong strong belief energy, through writing.
I know he wants to be my everything.
Oh, and my blog has almost 14,000 hits since I started it back in {I think} May. Pretty amazing IMO :) I hope that sharing my journey is helping a few people out there. We need to get more twin souls to reunion... and it's only going to happen through believing in LOVE.
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