All through my initial Dark Night of The Soul my guidance was very gentle with me, Like a soft loving mother taking care of a child. I was scared of my guidance. Suspicious and not trusting. I am skeptical by nature and I think it comes from being an abused child. Think of an abused dog who wants to be loved. A new person comes into the dog's life and reaches out for the dog with a kind hand. The dog will come near, tentatively, and then pull back when the hand gets close enough to pet the dog. That is me. I would come close then pull away but I did stay in contact. "Hope" was my guide's name. And again all I got from her was love. She gave me a litany of things like:
Love yourself
Forgive yourself
God loves you
I love you
You are love
You are Light
You are a walking glowing ball of Love energy
Open your heart
She also spoke of something she called my "pot of poop" which was all the shit inside of me, all the crap I hated about myself. She spoke of the eternal connection I had with my soul mate, Spoke of the love I had for him and of the love he had for me but she never deluded me into thinking he would be mine. She only stressed the love. And she began speaking of my "quest." There was a lot more but I no longer have most of that stuff, sadly. I burned it all in a fit of fear.
Fear is a dark insidious bastard of an emotion. People think hate is the worst energy on earth but it is not. Hatred stems from fear. Fear is the worst. Fear makes people delusional. I've been there.
Towards the end with my first soul mate Hope left me. I felt her leave. When I began healing from the pain I felt with my first soul mate love then came some different energy. It felt more masculine. More matter of fact yet still gentle. I sat in church one day begging God to save me from my tempted nature. I mean I sobbed in the pew with people watching me. I was freaking out inside, did not feel like myself at all. And not long after I met soul mate #2.
Soul mate #2. Ah. Sweetheart. Physically not what normally appealed to me in a man. Stark bald and short. Honestly he has a funny-shaped head, lolol. Is that mean? No. I adored him. I could not help but adore him. We were meant to meet. He was married too, in my town for a few months on work and he was, in his married life, as lonely as I had been. I am not a stupid woman. I know when someone is playing me. I also know when someone is genuinely sad, lonely and struggling in a marriage they don't know how to get out from. All of my soul mates were in that situation. I'd been there too but Spirit got me out of it; I was not meant to stay in my marriage no matter how scared I was or how I honestly wanted to force it to work.
At this time my husband and I were trying to figure things out and it was weird. I had no feelings left for him. God bless him- his years of disrespecting me in public, putting me down, not spending time with me and never being intimate with me left him feeling strange to me. He would try and be amorous and it felt... odd. Not right. I asked him once how he was able to even do it after I begged him all those years. He said he always knew what I wanted but never gave it to me. Well, obviously now it was too late. My heart was no longer there although I didn't realize this at the time. But I met SM#2 and... fell in love with him. I DID feel like I was losing my mind. How did this man's energy feel like the first one? They looked nothing alike but they felt alike. It was SO weird. Both men showed signs of "coincidence" with me. The first one exchanged a gift with me, something I will have forever, and it was surreal- like he'd known me all my life. Little things would catch my attention and make me think, "This guy must be what is known as a soul mate."
My guidance introduced me to the Celtic symbol of "Awen." Soul mate #2 and I grew very close. My husband of course found out and this sounds horrible- I did not care. I told him it was over and I wanted a divorce. I could not stand it any longer. And that was that. I did not mean to hurt the man. It was never my intention to harm him or hurt him or be mean to him but after seven years of being pushed to the side something snapped in me. And his sneaking around freaked me out. And his constant drinking, always coming him drunk for years and years. I just did not care any longer. I got a taste of what love felt like and YES- it overrode my desire to "fix" something that could not be fixed. Everyone around me, even the two psychics I contacted, pegged him perfectly and told me it would not work. My guidance told me to let him go... and finally I did.
I am not saying I was 100% correct. I'm not perfect; I'm no angel. I am not saying cheating is the answer just in my case it is what finally ended a marriage that needed to end. And my ex-husband was always full of swagger. Arrogant. He pissed people off around us wherever he went; my friends would not invite us out because my ex annoyed them. My extended family would get upset with his cocky comments. And he put me down all the time. In the end he found out about BOTH of my lovers. I am sure it hurt, and I am sorry it hurt. But maybe that was his path to walk. Maybe next time he has something good in his life he will try a little bit harder to take better care of it. Who knows. He has a decent heart- I just NEVER knew it, ever. I know very little about him. We did not talk, didn't share much. He was a closed book. I wish him happiness. I hope he can find a woman who suits him so he can have a happy relationship, a good marriage. We just were not a good fit together. Something about me got under his skin; I am not quite sure what but we ended up more like oil and water for some reason.
Just not meant to be I guess. And all of that is in the past. It is about two years later now. He is dating someone new and she seems very nice. She likes my son, and she seems to make my ex happy. That's what matters to me. LOL- I scope her FB page once in a while to see if they are still dating {in the hopes that they are} and it is SO weird to see him in a holiday photo with her- but they are both smiling and seem happy, and God knows I want the man happy. I honestly do. We get along well- but my Higher Self will give me nudges when I need to stand my ground with him. Despite all of my writing here, there is no one else on earth whose shit I tend to overlook like I do my ex-husband's shit... and I really don't know why. Musings for another time.
So I loved soul mate #2. We became super duper close, like BFF close. He is a wonderful guy and he fell HARD in love with me, soul mate love. It was so obvious. We had a moment standing together at a concert where we felt like we melded into one, and he felt it too. It freaked him out. He didn't know what to think but we knew we'd been meant to meet. He was a blessing to me. Before he had to leave to go back home he told me he wanted to get his first tattoo with me, a matching tat. He sent me some pictures of possible tattoos and one he sent was Awen. And I knew I was being shown that, yes, we were linked somehow.
That was a very loving time. Nothing about us clashed. Letting him go was heartbreaking but had to happen. He has a complicated life back where he lives, lots of kids. He was in {I hope it is different now} a loveless marriage; she sounded like she barely tolerated him. We kept in touch after he left but the energy changed to more friends. It was meant to. But we both acknowledged that we were strong soul mates. He showed me so much pure strong open love, and it was something I needed. I have wonderful memories of him. This song SO reminds me of him... he is a big Dylan fan.
I still had to fight through my fear of "Does he really love me" with him. I still have some of my writings from back then. After he was gone I battled a lot with my ego fears. Because I am a MOTHER first I didn't see this man often. He would drive out to meet me on my evening bike ride and we'd ride pretty much in silence next to each other, stopping to hug and talk for a few moments. I felt like I could easily have married him had he been single, and that is key. I was NOT supposed to marry him hence why he was married already. I needed the experience but he was never meant to be mine. My guidance gave me a lot of the same messages during that time. All about believing in love, being joyful, keeping my energy him, knowing I was love, not hating myself, being aware of my thoughts and fears, and I was told I had an eternal connection with this man. And I felt that. We felt perfect to each other. It's not describable. My husband moved out and then I was on my own for the first time in my life, on my way to being divorced and a single mother.
And then I met soul mate #3 and I honestly thought I might be going insane. It was a few months after my second love left. Soul mate #3 was... irresistible. If you have not been through it you can't understand. I met a nice single man a few months after my husband moved out. He was a really nice guy. Had two daughters, hard working man. Friendly, handsome, great cook, interesting, and I was attracted to him. On our first date we had a great time. He seemed shocked to meet someone like me, and he said so. He was very excited to have a second date with me. My GOD was he a nice-looking man. I felt good about meeting him. But the strangest thing happened- we could NOT connect. It was like putting two magnets together. We dated a bit and did sleep together, and afterwards he told me, "I just don't feel a connection with you," and honestly I felt the same thing although I didn't want to admit it. Everything felt forced and not easy. Nothing wrong just not right. It almost felt karmic. I had to learn how to handle rejection through him because he clearly did not want to be with me, and he couldn't tell me why. He just said he didn't feel it- and yes my feelings were hurt but it was a good lesson in realizing not everyone connects with me. With him it was like this anti-connection! And I wanted it to work. He was super duper cute, funny. We laughed and had fun but that "click" was never there. I can TELL the difference now, totally, between a soul I am supposed to connect with and one I am not. It's and energy that cannot, and will not, be denied.
A while after that I met soul mate #3. And again... the first time our eyes met I was like WTF is happening here?! I resisted meeting this man for weeks because when I first met him I did not realize he was married. And there was instant attraction. Another bald man, lol, and I actually really like hair on a man's head- ha ha ha. Just saying it was NOT only his physical self that attracted me; it was on a total other level. The first moment we met I felt super comfy with him. Safe. SO fucking strange!!! Our first kiss was sweet and sensual and like we could kiss for ages. The energy was off the charts.
SM #3 had major issues in his marriage. Major. They would go for weeks with no talking, and still to this day they do this. We are not in contact but every once in a while he will pop up. I don't think he ever will again but he has here and there. He was a hard energy to shake, and he emptied me of a lot before I met my twin soul. I write all of this out because I want people out there to understand the way soul works, It is unconventional and goes against our social mores. I never thought I'd ever love three married men in a row, and I will never ever again be with another married man for as long as I live. That is a choice I can make now, and I will. NEVER again. That part of my life is over- but back then it was necessary. I had to learn from all of them but I could not be with any of them forever, and my guidance has told me I would have married any one of them but they could not have me. And they all loved me.
SM#3 had issues with being intimate that stemmed from the state of his marriage. His morale was shot. It seems like they should separate but that is his journey, not mine. I had to be very understanding, patient, kind and gentle with him. He was often embarrassed. Yet our connection was super strong and out of all three soul mates I had the most signs and messages concerning him. One song that to this day when I hear it freaks me out. It was a very strong energy between us. And it hurt, bad. I went through a LOT of pain and letting go with him. I wanted him happy, and I knew he'd never leave his marriage. I prayed for them a lot, and as with all of them I did not see him often although we communicated often. But we'd go through periods of where I forced myself to stay away from him, or Spirit would tell me to and I'd listen. It was very loving but also very torturous. I was given channeled messaged to give him concerning his life and healing. I was always afraid he'd judge me. We went through some total insanity together yet in the end he always loved me.
That is a long story for maybe not even another day. While I knew him I went through another Dark Night of The Soul that more concerned my guidance and getting over my fears and self-hatred than it did my third soul mate. It is a story for a separate post, one I will write later. I want people to KNOW how Spirit can work in our lives when we are being healed of FEAR- and it is not pretty.
I've been through things that would have killed the average person about three times over already. The fear and sorrow I felt with my first soul mate nearly killed me. The terror I went through with my guidance, fear of evil and hating myself, that I endured after I was finally on my own, just about did me in, and then after my twin soul left me- those three things all brought me closer to suicide than any human being should ever experience. Only through God's protection am I still here. God gave me a child because The Divine knows how to work it. My son keeps me anchored to earth in those times when I've begged to leave all this pain and suffering. I don't write about my son much but he is the Light of my life and I am an amazing mother. Like AMAZING. He is my joy, and my strong soul mate. My son reads me like a book. He is my rock and my salvation. We are a team, he and I. People comment on the connection we have. I love my little man with all my heart, and I could never leave him behind. Our relationship is so strong that even on my worst days I've known there is nowhere I can go but up. Not out. I know how bad that sounds but there have been bad dark moments. I have been on my knees in a ball keening and begging God to kill me as the pain was pushed out of me.
My Awakening has been miraculous. I've experienced more magic and proof of The Divine than most people will in eternity. I am blessed for that. But it has also been more painful than anyone can really understand. The FEAR I have been forced to face and work through has nearly killed me but I am still here. Working through it.
Again I am writing this all out because I want people to realize that really crazy shit can happen when you begin Awakening. The last three years of my life have been surreal, and time moves SUPER fast. I one year I loved, thought I had a demon with me and turned from spirituality, almost killed myself, turned from God, was brought back to God, fought HUGE monstrous fears, let a soul mate go to where the letting go about killed me... and then I met my twin soul.
No one really knows what we all go through. I treated myself badly at times. I drank too much and in between, in my darkest moments, I did some things with men to where my shadow came up and took over. And it never felt like me. And it is done. Now I do not smoke or drink or even go out. I have no desire to be in a bar. I spend all my time writing or with my son or working, being a mom mostly. And I am working to reunite with my twin but I love myself for the first time in my life.
I love myself.
I love myself.
For years I detested myself. I thought I was the biggest pile of shit ever. I had this happy smile on the outside but inside I constantly played this recording of berating myself, noticing all my flaws, feeling like I was an annoyance. Like people laughed at me or tolerated me. That I was so easy to let go of. And now? No. I don't feel that way any longer. I've had to face all of that with my twin soul, and it has not been easy to have my fears channeled right through him back to me. It's like facing the monster that is in the closet, see it face to face and tell it, "You are not real. You can not hurt me."
Yeah, the Awakening business. It is not for the weak but the weak will be strengthened. God has watched over me for sure. I know to trust even in my darkest of moments, and I still have dark moment. Being separated from my Beloved is not easy but I have faith that we will be reunited once the energy shifts and I am fully "there." He is out there living his life and waiting for me. I know he is, My sweet adorable twin soul. God has blessed me with a lot of love in order to help heal me. Letting go has not been easy, and I've had to do it over and over again. I just know that this last one will come back. I feel it in my heart, and that is not something I can give up. I am meant to fight for my dreams now and own my truth, so I will.
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