Stay Calm And Take Care of Me

I'm sad right this moment and I will tell you why.  I just got off the phone with a young girl I met online some months ago through all this TS stuff.  She reached out to me to ask me some questions about her new boyfriend and I ended up shocked out of my mind, on the phone with her while wishing I could stick my foot up his manipulative ass.  She's young, naive, not worldly at all, and I am so glad she thought to contact me.  We had a long talk and I will be checking with her soon.

But it made me realize something, and it came to me as I was rereading my last blog post where I wrote about my home.  I was thinking about what it would be like to live in someone else's home instead of my own.  Like... if my son and I were to move to CA and live with Joron in his home.  My heart totally constricted when I had the thought.  I got scared.  This is my home.  The one I am living in now.  I...  I... I have always taken care of myself.  Always.  I don't know any other way.

I've been married twice and I was the one who took care of business.  In my childhood my parents did not know how to parent me; my mother was so not a nurturer.  She did not guide me or love me or mother me.  There was no showing me how to style my hair or wear makeup or shave my legs.  I would give SO much to have a daughter and raise her the RIGHT way, with love and tenderness. I had no one there to boost my morale.  Now my father worked hard and we had a home, food, schooling, etc.  We took vacations.  It's not like I did not have a good life.  But at the same time- I did not have what other kids had.  I have certain relatives who said we looked like little bums because we did not have many new clothes, and in school the kids made fun of me for wearing the same clothes over and over again.  I had a job at age 15 and I used part of it to buy new stuff here and there.  I mothered myself.  Even back then I mothered myself.  I kept a journal and poured out my woes and mothered myself.  And my baby sister who was ten years younger than me, and then I mothered my alcoholic mom when she turned to the bottle hard core at age forty.

Then I met my first boyfriend and move out of the house.  I was still being abused at the time.  I sometimes tell myself that I am being melodramtic or my memories are incorrect but I remember coming home from college one day and my dad drug me up the stairs to my bedroom, literally, after hitting me for a really stupid reason.  He was taking nude photos of my mother in the living room and I interrupted them.  They had told me to walk home from class but I was offered a ride and took it so I got home earlier than expected.  I got punished because I took the ride instead of walking home.  It was not long after that when I moved out but it was a struggle.  I lived with my boyfriend for a while until we broke up.  Not long after that I met my first husband and lived with him.  We ended up moving into our own place.  And the same with my second husband.  We met and moved into our own place, the home I bought that I live in now.

But my point is that in both marriages I kind of was the "keeper" of everything.  First marriage I did it ALL.  Everything.  I was responsible for our finances, the house, worked a ton of hours, cleaned, cooked, did it all.  I found the home we lived in and got us into it.  Then with my second husband we moved in together to the home we {I} bought and I still was the one to take care of the house on my own.  I did mostly everything.  I could not rely on either man for much.  My second husband was more responsible than my first.  I didn't know any better.  I did not make the best choices but again they lead me to having my son, and I would not change it for the world because I have him.

I have never been able to rely on anyone, in my whole life, to take care of me.  Do you know how saddening that is for me?  I sit here so worried about being "co-dependent" or too attached to Joron.  Unable to take care of myself.  HA!  Ha fucking ha!  I have been the only one to take care of me!  With both husbands- when I got sick they acted like assholes.  My second husband was a jackass every time I got sick.  I could not count on him for shit when it came to taking care of me.

I have utterly no idea what it feels like to have someone take care of me, and I don't know how to let anyone take care of me.  The concept is completely foreign to me.  Joron would come over and bring me little gifts and I would be tickled but it would totally overwhelm me; no one had ever done that for me before.  It was a beautiful beautiful thing.  And the day he took me and my son out, planned the play day himself.  No one had done anything like that either.  He treated me with TLC, and I am not making this up.  There are no rose-colored glasses sitting on my face right now.  This is not a case of cleaning up my memories. It is truth.  He was my gift.

Joron was the first man to actually love me the way I love others.  In speaking with my aunt earlier we were talking about men.  I said that guys these days don't expect to go above and beyond.  I've been tempted to date a few times in this separation.  I talked with one guy from Chicago a while back. He asked me how far it was from where I live and I told him about forty minutes.  He said, "Good then it's not that far of a drive for you to come meet me on Friday night."

FUCK THAT.  Do you hear me?  Fuck all the noise.  If a man wants to meet me then he can drive his ass out to meet me here in my area.  Never again will I stoop so low as to walk through fire for a man when he is unwilling to do the same for me.  Joron?  He wanted to treat me well.  It made him feel good to make me feel good.  My happiness, even only knowing me for a short while, was important to him!  This is why he was so considerate and gentle with me.  Why he made sure to be in contact with me, and why he reassured me.  He was thoughtful and brought me and my son gift like the organic beef for us to try, and his home made food.  And candy or cookies.  Just... he treated me in a way that no one else has in my whole life.

In. My. Whole. Life.

Of course I didn't  know how to handle it!  What was expected of me?  Everyone else I'd been close to either hurt me, took advantage of me, or overlooked me.  My husbands did not take care of me in any way, shape or form.  I could not count on them for SHIT.  My son's dad could not even skip his annual fishing vacation to stay home with his pregnant wife just in case she, oh I don't know, went into labor; I was eight months pregnant.  He should have made the choice on his own to stay home with me just in case.  But no.  I was not a priority.

I was never a priority.  That is the problem.  This is where my fears come from.  Do you see?  I always had to take care of myself.  I take good care of myself now.  Shit.  I have a good professional career.  I nice big comfy house.  A new car.  I am a single mother.  I make home cooked meals or sometimes we go out.  I play with my kid.  I keep him very happy, very content.  I just took him to Disney World.  Obviously I AM doing something right.  I am a great mother, and I've done most of it on my own.  Anyone in my life would vouch for that.  Me and my son are a team, and he can always count on me to give him love and nurturing.  I will always be supportive and guide him.  He can always trust me.  I was unable to trust my parents, not back in my formative years when I actually needed them.  I never knew when they would turn on me.

But I do it on my own, with the help of God.  When I was married he did very little.  Yes we shared the bills.  But I did not count on him for much, especially nothing emotionally.  I have always taken care of myself.  If I get sick I take care of me.  It just kinda hit me like a ton of bricks that I have always had to count on myself.  ME.  Now don't get me wrong- I have some amazing friends who have been there for me through thick and thin, thank God.  I appreciate them so much, my angels. But it's still not the same as having someone who has your back at every turn.

I've never had that.

One night after Joron left for CA he told me on the phone, "Be that butterfly and fly to CA and live with me."  He told me that my son and I could come live with him.  He said that I did not have to work, or could work part-time and be a writer.  Said he'd support me.

He told me he would... did you read that?  Support me.  Care FOR ME.  Me.  He would care for me.

And I responded the only way I knew how- with skepticism and disbelief.  I said that I would have to work.  I told him no one had ever taken care of me, and I had to work just in case.  I said, "What if you decided you didn't want me and you left me and my child?  What would I do then?"  Fear of abandonment and rejection, having to continue to do it on my own.

I am so sad.  I can't even sit here and imagine living in his home.  I can only imagine living in my home because the idea of counting on someone else, living in what does not belong to me, is totally foreign to me.  I can't imagine someone wanting to take care of me, and my child.  I don't think God should come down on me for that either because I don't know any other way.  I've been forced to take care of myself, to only rely on me.

It would be a dream come true for me to be able to get sick and have someone take care of me, have some compassion for me, nurture me.  Never.  I've never had that.

It's just a sad moment for me right now as this realization kicks in.

Another time during our separation we were talking on the phone and he was telling me some fun things he wants to do with me in CA.  Now mind you since this entire thing is one big MIND FUCK I never knew what to do with his strange reaching out to me.  He'd disappear for weeks, ignore my messages, and then suddenly be on the phone like nothing had really changed.  Of course I felt like I was losing my mind.  Wouldn't you?  But he said to me very gently, "Rose.  You deserve to be happy.  You deserve to be happy now."

Well that's all fine and dandy but I was still scared.  I didn't know exactly what was happening.  I thought maybe I was being tricked, tortured.  I only knew I was tired of pain.

I am so tired of pain.  So tired of pain.  Done with pain.  My life has been filled with so much pain that I want to be pain-free now.  I am trying to figure out how to be rid of pain when the love of my life is no longer with me yet reminders of him are everywhere and I am told to "feel" him constantly. Being unable to just forget- it's not easy.  And I am SO done with pain!  I have paid my dues!  I am a good person.  I take care of others.  I am a wonderful loving kind nurturing mother.

I want someone in my life who I can count on,.. who will take care of me once in a while.  I just did not know how to accept it since I never had it, not even as a child.  I didn't know how to let Joron love me.  But that should not be held against me.

I get it.  The twin soul experience is not punishment even though it feels like it.  It's to force us to see these things and address them.  I don't know how how to let someone take care of me or nurture me. I WANT it but don't know how to allow it.  And when Joron tried I got scared.  I didn't believe it.  I didn't believe he'd actually want us to come to CA with him and share a life, move into HIS home. Let him actually take care of me and help with my son.

Who would love me enough to want to do something like that? <--- this is how I felt.  I still kind of do, but come on.  I'm battling to believe while faced with total silence and after getting hit with straight up cruelty.  It's a challenging position to be in.

All the while here I am still managing to make it on my own.  I am independent and strong.  I've made it through this Hellish nightmarish twin soul experience.  That says a lot about me and my fortitude. No one better ever try and tell me because I love hard that I am dependent.  I might punch someone if I am told that.  I am the farthest thing from dependent.  I depend on myself.  I didn't know how to let myself depend on Joron, and now he is not in my life.

I am sad.  I want that.  I want him back so I can trust him.  Count on him.  Let him love me and help take care of my child.  Have a child with him and experience him being an awesome daddy.

I deserve to have a man in my life who shows my children what it's like for a man to honestly love their mother.  I am a DAMN good soul, good woman with a great big ole' loving heart, and I deserve that more than you know.  I am so tired of only being able to count on myself.  I want someone else to take care of me for once in my life.

I really want that man to be Joron.  He showed it to me but I was scared.  He did, honestly.  He was THAT man, the one I asked for on my rocks.  It's awesome and tragic at the same time.  Wonderful because I knew him.  Sorrowful because he is not here with me now.   I only have the memories to hold on to, and they are bittersweet.  They break my heart; I cry more than anyone can possibly imagine.  No one should be able to blame me for being unable to accept his love, no matter what my guidance told me, not after the life I have lived.  I tell my son that he can trust me and I will always be here for him because my GOD I never want him to go through these life experiences like I have. If I honestly did choose this shit for myself- I want it to be done now.  I want out.  I want my lessons to be over.  I love myself.  I get it.  But for fuck's sake I deserve my one true love to share my life with.  I am ready to believe in it but I need it to come back to me.  Or if he was just a catalyst, a very strong very heartbreaking catalyst, then I have done my duty in holding on to the love, loving unconditionally and I am ready for the real one and only to come to me.  I still feel in my heart that is Joron but really only God and my Higher Self knows.  My Higher Self is a tricky tricky one and I am not yet at a place where I know if I am being given full truth or only what I need to know now.  Because of that I can only do what I am told which is to love him, and I do.  Completely.  I love him fully no matter the outcome, with a love that will go with me to the grave and beyond.

I guess only time will tell.  For now I deal with the silence while I... just keep swimming.