My entire Awakening has been tornadic! Nothing very peaceful about my waking up process. At the end of the day though I am more aware, patient, kind, loving and sober than I was when I started so the process works. It's just harder than Hell some days {or weeks, months or years!} I think I started about ten years ago and it was very very slow-going. Began end of 2004 by meeting some new friends. One is a published author and I was in awe of her! Authors are my rock stars. I had "hero worship" for a while of her, lol. Now she is not only my spiritual mentor but a dear friend of mine. I would not be where I am if it were not for her. "M" introduced me to using a pendulum and verrryyyy slowly I began testing whether or not it worked. I have always been SO skeptical of all of this... spirituality business ;) My twin soul is the Atheist out of the two of us but honestly I could have been an Atheist too, very easily, except that I've always believed God existed in some way.
Me entire life I've been enamored with the paranormal. Ever since I was a child I LOVED anything spooky or "out of this world." Obsession with aliens, and I've dreamed about aliens my entire life too. I was a big reader, always have been, and I'd read anything haunted or monsters or spooky or supernatural. And I wrote short stories concerning the same. Then "The X-Files" came out in the 90's and I was totally in love! Oh GOD how I loved Special Agents Scully & Mulder, FBI. The show completely resonated with me and I didn't miss an episode. Huge huge fan here. The messages in the show spoke to me, and now I understand why. I was meant for the paranormal. always felt attune with "the other side of the veil" and watching "The X-Files" brought it out in me. I even wrote my MA thesis on "The X-Files." And, being the "lucky" {blessed} dork I am... one of the books I used in my MA thesis was written by William Gibson. "Pattern Recognition" is the name of the book. Gibson also wrote two episodes of "The X-Files." He was doing a book reading of "Pattern Recognition" and I met him. I also asked him a question about working with Chris Carter on the show, and he gave me an awesome first-person "from the mouth of the author" quote for my thesis! He signed my book "Good luck on your MA thesis!" and he told me he was impressed with my ideas. *swooning* I was only the second student in nine years in my department to choose the thesis option for graduation so it was a big deal to me ;) But do you see how blessed I am when it comes to the things I love? The more energy I would place towards something, the more blessed it would be.
This happened four other times I can think of off the top of my head, big stuff. I wanted to see the northern lights SO bad. I'd DREAM about them. Went north one year, up by Canada in Minnesota. We were treated with the BEST northern lights display of a lifetime; even the locals had never seen anything like it. The corona was present overhead and the lights lasted for five hours, entire night sky illuminated with dancing lights as far as the eye could see.
A miracle, really. And I always always felt like... it was for me. I wished and wished to see them and BAM there they were. I was the only one standing outside at 10PM looking up and the sky overhead when there was an explosion of light and the whole sky lit up. I ran to the cabin to wake my parents and we had everyone outside, mouths gaping wide, watching what felt like God's eternal lightwork show. Good times. Good times.
And I have always been a huge fan of Pirates of the Caribbean. I love me some Captain Jack Sparrow, like hugely. First novel I attempted to write is a romantic pirate adventure about soul mates and destiny; it is called "Destiny's Revenge." One day I will readdress it! A few years ago Johnny Depp was filming near where I live. My friend asked me to go check out the set... and wouldn't you know it- two hours later I was looking up at Johnny Depp whose hand was outreached to grab mine but I was too in shock to do anything but stare at him, lol. I said in my utter wit and shimmering intelligence, "I love you Captain Jack!"
True story.
Same thing with the 80s music group a-ha. I loved them since I was 15. Favorite. Group. Ever. But they are from Norway and I never thought I'd see them live. They planned their retirement tour and were not coming to my city. With a new baby I was not able to travel so I sadly acquiesed to the fact that I'd never see them. Until they added a show in my city and I got tickets.
And I ended up in front of the stage so close I could see the whites of their beautiful Norwegian eyes. Morten Harket's sweat got on me. I could see his vocal cords vibrate as he hit the final high note in "Take on Me." Best. Night. Ever. And I swear it is because I am blessed. Absolutely blessed.
I think it is because I have had a rough existence and when I love something in my own unique "pedal to the metal," no-hold-barred, all in, do not pass go, do not collect one hundred dollars, 110% way- I attract to me the things I love. Like meeting Johnny Depp and shaking his hand. And experiencing him take off his hat, tip his head and coo to a little girl who did not recognize him as the infamous Captain Jack, "'Ello Love" with his customary mischievous piratical adorable grin. Her little eyes lit up like diamonds in recognition and my heart melted. Johnny also slipped his hat off and bowed his head to a man who was waiting to meet him. The man said, "Thank you for coming to our town Johnny." Johnny said, "The pleasure is mine sir." Good man. Great memories.
But do you see where I am going with this? I don't have an "average" life. A blessed life, yes. Also a troubled life with much childhood abuse that I won't detail here. Love has always been an issue for me. Not really security or having a roof over my head or a meal on my table. But love. I do believe I am an "Angelic" being meaning that whatever is inside of me is a very very strong LOVE energy. I am LOVE through and through. I love hard, always have. Always will. I am exceedingly passionate about whatever it is that catches my interest. I get crushes easily and on the strangest people, lol. I always loved the underdog. I was always able to fall in love with something about a person. I am also very forgiving, and there is no one in my life I resent. Even my PITA boss, lol. I think this ability to love the less-desirable is what lead me to marry the men that I did. I would say "unfortunately" but see my first husband lead me to my second husband who fathered my sweet loving child. Had I not met the first man and married him then I would not have my son.
And life just would not be the same without my son. God has a plan, lol. So it was worth it. I learned... especially from my son's dad. Progressively from each man I learned my worth and what I would no longer deal with, love or not. I grew and changed. I made choices that some did not agree with but I stand behind them. I was unfaithful and it is not something I am apologetic about. Along the way though I had a ton of healing to do. A TON. Due to my childhood I had huge self-worth issues. I basically was a very loving person but I hated myself and I did have anger issues I had to work through.
So back in 2004 I met my mentor and began trying the pendulum. It scared me though. The idea of the spirit world made me nervous. And I never ever believed I'd ever have contact with Spirit. Me? Little lowly me? Never! So when the pendulum began working I doubted. And doubted. Or I'd get nervous. I'd walk away for months at a time. Sometimes years. And when my son was conceived my then husband asked me to not use it while I was pregnant. My ex is a huge skeptic but we'd have strange things happen in the house. One day we were arguing and the basement door slammed out of nowhere, Lights would flicker often, and light up stuff in the house would come on by itself. Strange knocking noises. Little things.
I went to a spiritual weekend about seven years ago and attended a seance. I audio taped it on a voice recorder and then lost my SHIT when I played it back and found undeniable "tapping" noises recorded. Like something was tapping right on my recorder. It sounded like morse code. Strangest thing ever, and it both fascinated me and freaked me out.
I started getting messages spelled out to me before my son was born but it was slow going and I DOUBTED my ass off. I kept worrying it was coming from my own thoughts. Even when I was told what to ask for as a starting salary at my new job and told what I would receive, and it was right. Even when I was told stuff I could not possibly know. Back then I was just goofing around though. I was careful but I was more excited that it was working... yet I listened to very little I was told.
Then my son was born and I had a lonely first year with him. I met the man I fell in love with, the affair I had, and I turned back to the pendulum and suddenly it worked perfectly.
And that was the beginning of it all for me. I began to awaken then, hard core. I entered into my first "Dark Night of The Soul" and it was inspired by my strong love {and fear} concerning the man I met. My Dark Nights ALL come from love and heartache. Fear of being rejected or forgotten. Loving this man, feeling vulnerable and my heart broken open for the first time in years, sent me spiraling into self-doubt and brought all my self-loathing {that I kept hidden and buried} bursting to the surface. I stepped outside one day August 2011 and I said, "God please change my life by the time I am 40. I can't do this forever." Not long after that I stupidly had a mini-fling with a man near where I work. Simply I started falling apart. Losing it. I met him, luckily did not have sex with him, but he basically just used me. And I let him. It was short-lived and I was SO numb that I did not care.
That ended quickly {was meant to} and I asked God to please just bring me a nice sweet gentle country man who would treat me lovingly. I did not care that I was married. I needed love or else I was going to do something drastic, and I think God knew that. About a week later I began talking to a man. Was it "right" according to moral standards? No. But we were ready for each other. He is a strong soul mate to me. He is a big gentle country man and after weeks of talking we met and OMG I fell SO hard in love. So so so hard in love with him. It lead to the demise of my marriage as well as blowing open to my guidance. And I fell into my first Dark Night of The Soul.
He lived far away, about 600 miles of corn fields away. So it's not like I had some sordid affair where I was knocking boots with some country dude every few days. No. I saw him a handful of times. The rest of the time was mixed with emailing. A few phone calls. I loved him so much. I always will hold a soft spot in my heart for him. But I was cheating, something I never considered I would do. I always thought cheaters were the worst and here I was doing it myself. Hypocrite. Whore. But I loved him so much! So much that my heartache got me caught immediately. Right after I met him my "spirit guide" Hope came through perfectly. All I was told was that I was a glowing ball of love. That I had a strong soul. That I was LIGHT. And love. And I was told that God loved me... and I fought it. I was terrified. Here I was a CHEATER but I was being told God loved me.
I immediately lost twenty pounds. I could not think, eat or sleep. I could only mother my child. I faltered at work, lost in a total fog day in and day out. I could not THINK. There was literally a weight on my brain. Fog all the time. A dizziness. I could not think straight. And the fear, omg the fear! I was terrified God hated me. I was terrified I'd get caught. I was most terrified that this man did not love me! He adored me, and it scared him because he was married too. He did not expect me- this bouncy, cute, lively, intelligent, loving, gentle... heart walking around in a human body.
I had a vision of us once. I rarely have true psychic visions but I did this time. I saw us together. I was walking into his hotel room and he was greeting me all nervous, not knowing what to do, where to put his hands, leaning in to hug me all shyly like he'd do. It was like I was at the ceiling looking down on us... and I was beautiful. So was he. We were these two... humans. Loving. Awkward. Innocent in our desire to be loved, in the love we found in each other. It did not feel like a dream. I SAW us. I saw myself in a way I've never forgotten.
I saw ME. Smiling and shining and bright. Beautiful and sweet. SO happy. So happy to see him. I loved him to the bottom of my heart. I'd have these huge highs with him then I would crash. And when he was not in contact with me I'd plunge down into fear. I would convince myself that he did not love me. That he was only using me. That no one could love me. He was faking it. He would forget me the moment I was out of sight. I would make myself feel like a laughing stock. I'd be terrified, utterly low. Like nightmarishly low. My friend feared for me. I felt like killing myself. I never felt like I HAD to be with this man; I knew he was not meant to leave his wife and children for me. He was meant as a season, not a lifetime. My suffering came from my worry that he DID NOT LOVE ME.
I got a reading done back then asking about my husband and this man. I found the reading not long ago and cried when I read it. I told the psychic that I was not wanting to know if he'd leave his wife for me. That was not my concern. My concern was "Does he truly love me? Do I mean anything to him?' It was a pathological fear. HUGE. Daunting. Overwhelming. It consumed me... this fear that I was "out of sight out of mind."
And it is a fear I am still fighting now with my twin soul. Three soul mates later and a twin soul and it's still my issue. Do you know how annoying that is? I am sweet and cute. People love me easily; I am loveable. Unique. Pretty. Intelligent. Easy to talk to. Friendly. Loving. Kind. Quirky. All of my soul mates fell hard for me and lost their own minds in realizing they could not be with me forever. I had to work through my shit with them but I was not meant to be with any of them permanently.
This may sound bad to some of you but it was my path. I was self-destructing in a way. My Kundalini was all over the place. OMG that burning in my lower chakras! I felt like a cat in heat half the time- and I think without being so committed and in love with my soul mates I would have done much more damage to myself with random strangers. It was a mixture of wanting to hurt myself, self-loathing, fear that I was unloveable... I'd turn to strangers for distraction and it never ended well. Only being so hard in love {a few times} kept me away from most of what would have been disastrous flings. All I can say is it has been one rude awakening. My guidance said in that reading I received back then that "This one does not value herself like we do, not even her life." And it was true. I think I put myself in some precarious positions just tempting fate.
At a certain point despite being a bright shining light- I think I wanted to die. I felt so alone, so lacking love, so unloveable that I could not tolerate it. And I think this is why God brought my soul mates to me.
Soul mate #1 and I began to drift apart within a few months. He had to pull back. I got caught cheating. He had tons of BIG changes in his career, just huge. A big life move, big career take over. I poured my heart out to him one day and it shifted the energy for me. I felt more free, less under his spell. I still loved him but it no longer made me sick.
I sat in church and prayed to God to keep me sane and faithful. I already had the urge to find someone else. It was this... compulsion. I prayed. I fought. I seriously remember sitting in church PRAYING and crying telling God "I will stay in a loveless marriage just to keep it together for my son. Please keep me faithful. I don't need love."
God had other plans. I was not meant to stay in my marriage. I was constantly asked why I stayed. Two different psychics read him perfectly and told me it would never work out between us. One told me he manipulated me and I ignored it. Another told me his energy was totally complacent and did not match with me at all. All very true, truer than you realize. And my guidance would gently tell me that it would all be okay. That he'd be happier in the end without me. But I clung to this idea of "forever" and making it work. I tried to take the love I felt for my soul mate and apply it to my husband. And it felt fake and foreign and not at all good. I was suffering inside so badly, and under his hawkish watch once I got caught. He'd sneak around in the dark trying to catch me texting or emailing or talking with my best friend and mentor. He'd hide in the bushes outside and watch me in the house... so suddenly this man who had showed NO interest in me for years was up in my shit every minute of every day. He'd pop into my office at work unannounced and walk behind me to see what I was doing, or if I was on the phone. He hated my mentor BFF because she did not like him and was guiding me away from him, and he knew it because he cracked the code on my cell phone and read all of our text messages. He told me I should be ashamed as a mother and what would our child think when he was older?
It was honestly a very Hellish existence while trying to be a good mom and full-time employee, AND I'd just earned a large promotion with more responsibility- and I was floundering. I felt more alone and dark than I ever had before. Hopeless. Dark, like there was no end in sight. I missed my soul mate too even though it had shifted more to being friends and confidants than lovers, thank God. I no longer wanted to throw myself off the nearest bridge when I thought of him- but I was SO lonely. Heartbroken, and my husband was on me like white on rice. I tried taking him out for dinner for his birthday but he called me a whore while we were out. He was rightfully angry. But I asked him after he began "changing." He would be so... fake amorous. It was so not him, and it felt creepy to me. I asked him where it was coming from after all those years and he said, "I always knew what you needed from me but I never gave it to you."
And then... enter stage left soul mate #2.
To be continued.
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