I complain about this experience. I shouldn't. It was the only way I would finally listen to the guidance I was getting from above and Joron has wanted to come back about twenty-five times in the last year but I could not maintain my energy. If I don't work my energy then he's not going to be able to connect with me. I am a stubborn Leo. I love hard but I refused to make some necessary changes to my life, like I would not stop drinking. I was tempted to distract with men. I also continuously doubted my experiences with The Divine. I would not be gentle to myself. I would not believe I am a channel, a psychic. Doubt was so strong inside of me. I would not give it up. I refused to claim my divinity no matter who told me or what I was shown. It was only through meeting Joron and going through all of this that I was able to see that YES I am "different." I have a strong connection with The Divine. I also needed to clean up my life. Not like it was royally falling apart but there was so much shit inside of me, and it needed to be cleaned up. Prioritized. The shit inside of me needed to be cleaned out more than my 3D life.
For example- I used to berate myself because I am not the most organized person. At all. And my home is not perfectly in order. I like an orderly space but I can let paperwork pile up. I shove it in a box in the closet. I hate doctor bills. I pay my bills but sometimes late, and I'm never up to date on those damn doctor bills. Organization and I do not go hand in hand at all. My credit score has lowered since I started awakening because there are times I can barely remember to wipe my butt properly let alone get all my credit cards paid on time. But hey- my home and car are paid. My electric, water and gas is paid. We have food on the table and I've opened my home to more than one person over the years who has needed shelter from the storm. I'm doing okay. Nevertheless I would just beat myself up over the fact that there are dishes in the sink, cat hair balls in the corner, crumbs under the sofa. Toys in various places. Books laying around. A cup of juice on the coffee table. I'd fret and worry that I was separated from my twin soul because I was not a good housekeeper. Or I still ate red meat. One day I was channeling and my guidance told me something that changed the way I saw a big part of my life. I was told that my home was very warm, comfortable and safe. That my son felt entirely comfortable and relaxed in our home. Free to play, be joyful and express himself, and this is true. I let him chalk on the kitchen walls, lol. And while I like to keep a neat space for me to relax... we do not have TV so he has a ton of toys and plays all the time. When I was growing up nothing could be out of place. The house had to be in perfectly clean condition at every moment so we were always on edge, never relaxed. My guidance told me my son will never experience that fright. He will always associate the home he grew up in as a safe haven, warmth and comfort. I made him a wonderful home and I should be thankful and proud of that instead of always worrying that I was not "good enough."
Well that shifted my thoughts about my house, that's for sure! LOL. I have a lovely home. An old yet glowing warm tri-level. The family who owned it before us had six children in here. I have one! But it has good energy, this house. I've had many people stay here when they needed a hand. And it is the only home my son has known. I bought it myself before I was married, and I kept it after the split. Higher Self made sure to see to that by maneuvering me into a promotion right before my life started falling... into place {not apart.} Then I made enough money to live on my own with my son.
Higher Self is an interesting energy. It plays a huge role in my life, and for those other twin soul out there- it plays a similar role in your life too. Our lives are basically orchestrated by Higher Self. We each have a predestined path chosen for us with a desired outcome planned by Higher Self. I've seen some really strange stuff happen around me since being separated from Joron. It shows me that I really do feel I am supposed to stick with this twin soul journey, be committed to Joron even while we are separated. Somehow soul/Higher Self works through many around me. Through Joron too but on a different level with him. He is my largest mirror. The others... I am not sure how it works but it does.
For example. Joron went quiet on a Friday. I was freaking losing my mind. I thought I'd lost my boyfriend. I was unsure of our status. It was Hell. A few days later I saw a name in my "S" list on my phone, "Steve." I thought, "Who is that? I don't remember." Next day I get a text from Steve! I realized he was a guy I'd met for lunch a few times the spring before I met Joron. Nice guy, nice looking {looks similar to Joron actually} but I was not interested in him. He wanted to date me but he understood and was very polite when I told him no. He ended up getting a nice girlfriend but we met for lunch a few more times, totally just friends, and then faded off. He's a Human Resources guy, was easy and fun to talk to but there was that friends vibe between us. So a few days after Joron goes quite and I'm totally scared and vulnerable Steve text me and asked me to lunch.
Strange timing, right? Goofing off he sent me a picture of himself and I thought, "God I forgot how much he looks like Joron." I asked him if he was still dating his GF and he said no so I told him I'd meet him for lunch BUT it was just as friends. Briefly I explained I was dating someone long distance and I didn't know our status, and I told him I was heartbroken, not looking for anyone new.
One would think- nice guy before so he'll be a good guy now. Wrong. It was SO weird! He asked me what my panties looked like! He kept asking me to send him a picture of my smile {thinks I am pretty.} I took a quick picture of my face and sent it to him but it felt weird. I told him I was sad. I told him I was not impressed with him asking about my underwear, and the whole time I was thinking, "Is this guy for real? Where did the man I met before go?" He was friendly before but never asked me about my underwear. So he laughed and said something like, "Well a woman wearing sexy undies should make her feel better." He also said that maybe he could help me get over my MIA boyfriend. Ugh.
Then the following Saturday Joron still had not reached out to me and I was losing my mind. I was making breakfast when Steve text me. He asked me for a weekend photo and I went off on him. I told him the only man I wanted to share photos with was gone and I was dying inside and how could he be so callous? I told him we would not be getting together for lunch after all... and I expected SOMETHING. Some response. But I got nothing. No "I'm sorry." No "screw off bitch." Nada. And I knew it just was not normal. I felt,,, tested somehow. Like this guy who looked so similar to my twin soul, who thought I was very attractive and was showing total interest in me, was thrust in my face as if to say, "Are you going to turn to what's easy out of fear? You could you know. You could just date this guy instead. A substitute. It would be easy and you would not have to be alone. Joron isn't contacting you. He's deserted you- probably has a girlfriend already. So yeah- you could totally just date this guy. Distract. He's kinda cute. Looks like Joron even. Why not?"
It was just so out of the blue, and to his credit Steve did not behave like that when I first met him months earlier. He was actually charming. I was sorry that I did not want to date him because he was a good catch. I was shocked when he turned into Pantie Man Steve! It was just not normal. I can't explain it better than that. It was like he was being used to push me.
I know it was Higher Self testing me. Testing my fortitude to see if I caved to what was easy out of fear. Tested me to see if I would stand up to the annoyance of being objectified. My life is THAT orchestrated by my Higher Self. How does it work? I am not sure. Somehow people are able to be used as channels way more than we realize. That is all I can comprehend.
Then later came Brian. I met him online during a weak moment. I asked for a spiritual friend and he wrote to me. Immediately he kept commenting on my writing ability, how he was attracted to me based solely on how I wrote, and that was a warning sign to me. All my soul mates were attracted to my way with words, and Joron especially. And my guidance kept telling me to WRITE about Joron so when this man started in about my writing it felt... guided. I explained to him about Joron and how I was waiting but I would like a friend. Still I knew inside that it was not right. He agreed to the friends part and wanted to meet for lunch. Joron came close again and I cancelled lunch. Then my energy sent him off again and one day Brian wrote to me, asked if I ever saw my soul mate. I told him no and I thought to myself, "Man I'd like to talk to him on the phone." His next email to me said, "I really think we should talk. Call me later," and he gave me his number.
So later I called him. As I called him I had this weak thought of, "Man I'd love a hug." Brian answers the phone and says that he is very intuitive and feels that I need a hug. So I was totally weirded out but almost considering it. He is attractive and well-spoken. We talked for a few minutes and he said he wanted to meet me to give me that hug. But then he said something like, "And hold you." I was thinking. "Do I live in some alternate universe because the strangest shit happens to me!" THEN he sounded strange so I asked him what he was doing and he was brushing his teeth. So this guy who wants to meet me to hug me and "hold me" was brushing his teeth in anticipation of meeting me?
Strange, and not okay. Not okay to "read my mind," feel my weakness, and test me to see if I was going to cave to being rescued. Not cool that Higher Self was using him to test me. So I told him no. I did not want to meet him, did not need a hug, did not need to be saved. I told him if Joron was planning to meet a woman who was an Atheist "just as friends" I would be losing my mind so out of respect to him I would stay away.
It was not accidental. My life is clearly orchestrated from above. I could have chosen to meet either Steve or Brian. I have free will. But I was shown the eeriness and it did not sit well with me. I don't need some strange man I've never met before wanting to "hold me" upon first meeting. Isn't that just creepy? It's not even normal. I was being shown, "Not a good idea!"
There were others too. People who would just pop up out of nowhere. Mark, the guy I wanted so so badly years ago, and he's always wanted me too. He was moving back to my area and wanted to see me a few months back. Easy easy. Hot Italian who's wanted to land me for ten years and finally we are both single at the same time. He blatantly asked me if he was finally going to be able to make love with me... here I am celibate and not in touch with my twin soul. Hot Italian who shared one intense kiss with me years ago, one neither one of us have ever forgotten. But no. I am not a conquest. And how is he going to just pop up out of nowhere? Now? I want MORE. I want a relationship with someone who loves me for ME. Not out of unresolved lust.
I was tested. I know this. Higher Self wants to see if I am willing to wait for Joron. Here I am pushing him off with my energy. Am I going to work for this or am I going to run off into the arms of a distraction? I can't attribute it all to coincidence. Not with the mind reading. Not with the synchs that are too timely.
Same thing happened last Spring when I almost cracked and met my last soul mate for a fling. He had reached out a few times and I'd pushed him off. Then I got more and more scared over Joron's separation from me and one night SM #3 {who was like heroin for me} text me. The next morning we ended up in a text conversation and right then, RIGHT THEN, the song I associate with him began playing on Pandora and I had not heard it for ages. NO COINCIDENCE! Soul/Higher Self/The Divine... it's so strong in my life! I almost saw SM #3. We IMed one night and it got sexual. We discussed meeting for a drink, maybe... hooking up. When we ended the IM convo I sobbed my eyes out because he was not Joron! I wanted Joron, not some married man I knew better than to see. But here is the catch. Higher Self said, "Oh it's okay. You are weary and need a break."
I was being made to be discerning on my own. To choose higher. To ascend past base needs and fears. We planned to meet the following Friday night when I did not have my son. That night I got the worst migraine ever, and I had not had a headache in at least a year. It was for no reason too meaning I had not been drinking or anything else. I was not stressed either. I just ended up on the couch in the dark texting him that I could not meet him that night.
Yeah. Higher Self knew how to stop that show from going any farther. After that I confided to a friend what I'd planned to do and she said, "Are you fucking crazy!" And I love Joron. My other friend, my mentor, said... "Really? Here this man is out there somewhere entwined in this strange situation with you and you want to turn back to what was, to what you had to let go, for a fling? How would he feel if he knew? What about his being faithful to you? What are you going to say if he asks if you've been seeing anyone? You going to be honest?"
Then Higher Self said, "Well well well. Learning how to choose right from wrong on your own, hm? Absolutely do not see him. It would be a huge step backwards."
Talk about feeling really stupid! Close call. But see, again I feel like I was tested to see if I was getting any stronger. Growing in my awareness. Do not think for one moment we are not expected to choose right from wrong. There is all this talk about "duality" and there being no judgment but see- there is ENERGY. And if we do something "bad" that makes us feel like shit then it negatively affects our energy and that is not a good thing. Had I seen SM #3 after all the bullshit it took to let him go... it would have been an energetic disaster. I would have HATED myself, felt like a hussy, and I would have felt like I was cheating on Joron. I also would have felt like I went backwards in my lessons. Like HUGELY.
Not long after that I ended up on the phone with Joron and he asked me, "So have you dated anyone?" UGH! I was able to honestly say NO, and he said the same. Only dated rocks since me {Geologist joke.} Said he was too busy and there was no one there like me...
We all need to realize that this entire experience is orchestrated by Higher Self, and we are tested. We are expected to make the higher choice. I know we are. Prior lessons are put to the test to see if our awareness has grown. We are not "punished" by God or Higher Self but we are "punished" by our own lowered energetic choices.
I came close a few times, lol. But I feel good that I have stayed alone to face myself and my fear. In my twin soul experience that has been my plan. I am still healing from the choices I made before I met James in sharing my body with men I should not have. I need a time for purity and wholesomeness. I don't need to find distraction in men, and this has been shown to me quite a few times in the last year.
But I rocked it, lol. At least that portion ;)
I was told to be gentle to myself. I refused to do so for the longest time. I was hard on myself both physically and mentally. After meeting Joron, right now, I treat myself well. I have sensitivity for my plight and I treat myself well. That means being a bit of a hermit but that's okay. I still love my twin soul with all my heart, and I am so glad to finally be at a place where I am able to be alone, not turning to distractions that left me feeling empty. Cherishing myself. It is a good thing.
It's what my Higher Self has wanted for me. I may not be to reunion but at least I saved myself.
LOL- I just realized I used my twin's real name quite a few times when I wrote this post. Oops :)
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