My Love...

Sorry to disappoint but most of my posts from this point on will be defending my Love.  It may be boring to some, and if you are stumbling upon my blog for the first time it may help you to start at the beginning because, well, it's a very good place to start ;)  In all seriousness- I've come to a point in my journey where there is only one thing I can do now and that is to totally believe in the love, to defend it.  And to do that I have to be very conscious of where I place my energy.  All along the way I have been fighting to believe in this "process."  It's been very scary looking in the mirror.  But I LOVE my Joron, my mirror, so so so very much.  And I trust in him, and I believe in him.

I believe in all of this, and that says a LOT for a damn skeptic like me!  It took me forever to finally believe in Spirit, to believe that I have a strong connection with The Divine.  I still look in the mirror {the real mirror in my bathroom} and ask myself why?  Why me?  LOL!  But I'd have to say it is because I am made only to love.  I chose this journey in order to sow love, and along the way I've had a lot of challenges in love- but in the end I will fight for love because that is what I do.  I am a Leo: a Fire sign.  I roar.  I love HARD.  I am a fighter, and I refuse to give up on my twin soul. Because of this fact I think I am a strong soul.  I am tempted to feel egotistical in saying that but no- I will not cave to feeling shame over admitting that I am a good person.  I defend myself and others.  I love so hard.  I have not one iota of the ability to hate.  I hold little resentment towards people, and when I do I try to work through it {like right now my boss is not my most favorite person but I am working to see him as a challenge, to keep in mind he is a good man- he just pushes my buttons and forces me to look even deeper at myself.}  

My "soul twin" is a great man.  I knew this the moment we began talking.  I felt it in my bones, in the heart of me.  His first email to me was entitled "Empathy" and we met based on agreeing that we are both empathetic people.  He loves people and animals; he feels very strongly about animals and not harming them.  

My twin soul... poor guy.  He has no kids right now- but one day he will have one with me.  He and his first wife had a separation and she told him she wanted to work it out.  When she came back she was pregnant and it was not his child.  Imagine wondering for a while if possibly you were going to be a father and then finding out later the child wasn't yours after all?  Crushing.  Then his next long-term girlfriend told him she was pregnant.  He spent the entire day thinking he was going to be a father and at the end of the day she said "April Fools."  He hadn't realized it was April 1st.  Then he met me, and my child.  And he spent the day with us and later told me what a wonderful mother I am, and it made him dig me even more seeing how good of a mom I am.  Then a week or so later we spent hours writing back and forth about having a child together.  When he got the surprise {divinely orchestrated} career opportunity that swept him off to CA... one of the things he text me, very emotionally, from the airport when we first had a chance to communicate was "For the last two weeks all I can think about is making a child with you, having a family with you.  I want to get you and your son out to CA with me, want to give you my DNA and treat you like a princess while you are pregnant."  He wants to love me SO BADLY.

I had no idea our separation was going to happen soon after.  He got to CA and that first night he couldn't talk.  We only text.  He wrote "It is going to take a giant leap of faith."  He meant for me because I'd have to change my life for him, which I am all good with, lol.  I have two best friends who are my angels.  They are closer to me than my own family.  We have known each other for years, my two soul mate loves.  I adore these two chicks like they are my sisters.  They are my soul sisters and without them I could not have made it through my life; they protected me as a child.  They help me as an adult and I love them.  Both of them know intimately about my life, the past abuse, the heartache, etc. etc.  Both my two besties have given me their blessings to move away and create a new life for myself with Joron.  They tell me not to feel any guilt about leaving family behind.  They said they will be in my wedding and come visit all the time AND ALL THEY WANT IS FOR ME TO BE HAPPY.

That is what I want to- for me and my son to be happy, and a life with Joron would make me very happy, and would be great for my son, no matter where we are.  

The second night Joron was in CA we talked on the phone for a couple hours.  He was nervous, missed me, said he was afraid he might lose me.  I assured him {lol} he would not lose me.  Little did I know what the next few weeks would bring us but at that moment I knew I'd love him forever.  I remember needing to get off the phone so I could get some sleep.  He called back but I did not hear the phone; I was sleeping already.  He left me the oddest voice mail message.  Keep in mind we'd JUST talked minutes before.  My voice mail kicked in and there is a long pause.  I know he's there because I can *feel* him.  Then very softly, very very lovingly and with this sadness almost, he says "I love you."  So soft.  So gentle.  So real.  Heartbreakingly real.

Sometimes I wonder if he doubts his own loveability.  I am not sure,  I once asked him, "You know I really love you, right?"  That voice mail he left me- there is something weird about it.  In the pause before he speaks there is a voice.  It sounds electronic, exactly like an EVP {electronic voice phenomena} which is when a ghost is caught on tape.  The voice always sounds otherworldly, electronic.  Well that "voice" in on this voice mail.  And it says something that sounds like "Are you in love with me?" or "Why are you in love with me?"  I let my bestie listen to it and she agrees it does not sound like the TV or anything.  It actually sounds like Joron's voice- but it is not of this world.

I don't always understand this union.  It is so not of this world.  But I do know that I adore him, and yes- I am in love with him.  And why?  

Because he rocks.  He's amazing, loving, genuine, caring, loving and kind.  So wonderful that he is *my* twin soul.  And if he is my mirror then he mirrors not only my fear but also my own goodness, and I am a damn good loving woman.  There is no doubt about that- so if we are so much alike, then he's just as loving and kind as I am.

We are meant for each other.       

I went through and re-read some of our old text messages.  It still tussles me how we came together SO hard back in March.  And then we separated again within a few weeks.  But here is something VERY important I want to document here.  On March 10th I picked up my pen and began documenting my life, my thoughts about Spirit and my past.  Three weeks earlier I'd had a "mirroring" run in with James; we had grown close back in February and then I backslid again.  I drank twice and totally had a week of fear.  At the end of that terrible week of fear, and it was BAD, my friend had a terrible dream about me "hitting rock bottom."  And then I got a very cold "mirroring" email from Joron, totally out of left field, totally mirroring my FEAR.  I was even told very specifically from my guidance not to create monsters from my fear- that I would always create a monster in him when I fear.  UGH!  Inescapable- do you see?

So for three weeks I worked very hard on ME.  I tried to eat better, did yoga a few times- but mainly I went inner and really dig down deep to believe in the mirroring, to know Joron is a good guy.  And I got the idea {this was before the blog} to really try to write this all out.  I started with writing about Spirit, how we hear Spirit, how we are all souls learning, etc.  I wrote about my parents and why they did what they did to me- how they did not know any better.  They were raised with pain.  They knew pain.  My mother was a youngish mom and she had NO idea how to be a loving mother; her parents were cold and humiliated her.  She was raised in shame, and living with my dad {bless theirs souls} was no walk in the park either.  Dad had been in Vietnam and watched some of his buddies blow up around him- while he came home unscathed on the outside and wrecked on the inside.

So so sad.  And they BOTH were raised with abuse,  My paternal grandfather {God rest his soul} was an alcoholic with a slew of kids and he was not a nice father, was abusive and hurtful.  My maternal grandfather was an alcoholic and mentally and emotionally abused my mom, shamed her.  My mom was raised with a lot of old school ethnic Eastern European shit- forced to wear skirts all the time, told she was not worth what her brother was, etc. etc.  From what I can gather neither of my grandfathers were peaches, and my parents paid the price.  How did they know how to be parents?

My father ended up an alcoholic while I was a child.  He did some drugs too.  They were both potheads- they used it to escape.  *sigh*  And then my mom turned to the bottle later, was a full-blown hiding-the-empty-bottles alcoholic by the time I was in high school.  Oh joy.  I remember one night my baby sister had a little friend spending the night.  My mom was standing at the stove trying to cook refried beans... and she was totally stumbling bumbling drunk, burning the beans.  I had to take the pan from her, told her "Mom you are drunk."  I had my very first boyfriend at that time.  I was nineteen years old.  He helped save me back then, and he has the same name as "Joron."  Neither one go by the shortened version of their names but instead the formal version which is odd- my love life began with a soul mate who has the same name as the last man in my life, my strongest love and soul mate- both put in my life for important reasons, and oddly enough- both concerning alcoholism. My old boyfriend was over that night and slipped the two little ones out for ice cream while the shit hit the fan at my house between my drunken mother trying to deny she'd been drinking, and my dad getting more and more pissed off at her.  He ended up slapping her.  She fell out of the chair and on to the floor.

It was pretty Hellish.  My boyfriend and I ended up putting her into rehab one day by ourselves.  My mother physically abused me for most of my life but I ended up helping her in the end.  So yes- there is a lot in my past, a lot.  But there was love too.  Through all of the chaos and learning how to be human, how to heal, how to live- how to struggle through their own Hellish pasts, we loved each other.  Both of my parents are recovered now.  They are married and very much in love.  It's a miracle really.  I'd like to think my brother and I both chose to be their children, and to forgive them. To only love them later despite the pain of the past.  That is our roles as soul mates.  I will never be super emotionally close with my mother but I love her a lot.

So anyway, whew.  These are the things I wrote about when I picked up my pen.  I then moved into writing about meeting Joron and how wonderful it was.  How sweet and loving and kind he was.  The magic I saw in his gaze, his glittering eyes and mischieviously beautiful smile and how the light of the full moon made the silver in his hair glimmer while we walked.  Oh GOD I fell so hard in love with him that very first night.  And I wrote about all that.  His wonderfulness.  His kisses... how he was content to just smooch me for hours.  He seemed to so look forward to his lips on mine, our faces close, our noses nuzzling each other, gazing at one another with little smiles and shy giggles.  Some talking.  Some silence,  Lots of embracing.  Tons of kisses.  And God bless him he always brought me a gift, or my son.  Only love.  I can't deny, and no one can take from me, that the man is only love.

So I wrote all that.  I started with the bit about my parents, and how we all come here with a plan, and lots of struggles.  And on March 10th after three weeks of silence and a few emails to Joron that went overlooked- I saw an advertisement for "Cosmos" and it called out to me "Email this to Joron."  So I did.  I asked him if he was excited for it, that I saw it and it made me think of him.

And that email, the energy I'd created inside of me- one of love and forgiveness and belief, reconnected us.  I did NOT see the connection back then.  I was standing at yoga, trying to respect my energy and Light, praying about him and he was answering me by being HIM again.  He told me everything I'd hoped to hear from him: he loves me, wants to be with me.  Said he wanted to come home and make me smile again.  Hear me laugh and make me smile and teach me to golf and take me on another date to Chicago... treat me well.  And, if I still held a spark for him he wanted to make love for hours and discuss what we would do about "our love."

THAT is my Joron.  Right there.  I honored the love, the TRUTH, and I was given truth.

Unfortunately I couldn't keep it up.  I got scared again.  I ran internally.  I freaked out inside.  Faked it on the outside perfectly well {I wear a good mask let me tell ya} but INSIDE I lost it.  Fear fear fear took over... and I stopped writing.  I journaled and now that I look back at it I can see my fear, my questioning.  And the really sad part is he LOVES the stuffing out of me.  He'd be awake at 2AM writing to me how he could not sleep.  He sent me the song "You're My Obsession" at 3AM and told me he could not sleep because "You are my obsession *my real name here.*"

He called me his "Strawberry Fields."  I looked the character up and she is light and love and kindness and beauty.  He told me I am genuine and that being genuine is a rarity these days- he wrote that to me right in the middle of some pretty steamy text messages after our long conversation; it was like he just had to let me know how highly he thinks of me.  And fuck it- I AM genuine.  I am one of the most genuine people you will ever meet {or read the blog of.}  And I know one thing for certain- I am a woman that a man like Joron would only ever want to hold on to, and being forced by his soul to let me go must be Hell.  I know that there is no one else out there who could ever love me more than him.  I am not ever worried about it- for if in the end someone else was supposed to love me- and even if they loved me less than he does, it would still be like oodles of love because Joron's love for me is huge.  I could feel it back then, and I know it now even though we have not connected for a bit.  We will.

But back then by the time three weeks passed I did lose my balance inside.  He was supposed to come back and see me... but he mirrored me again and went quiet.  And I did kinda freak out although I KNEW clearly what had happened.  I knew it.  I saw it.  I felt it.  I watched it happen knowing my energy caused it, and I felt very strongly that he did not want it to happen.  His last message to me said "Do not be upset or offended at my quiet."  It was totally of Spirit.

But my point is this: every time I've fallen into belief, felt his real love, he's come close to me.  It happened strongly back in March when I didn't realize it was happening.  Now I look back, and because I luckily remembered to date some of the things I wrote, I can see the corrolation.  On St. Patrick's Day I wrote a big entry about how much I loved him, how awesome he is, the faith I had in us- and we ended up on the phone that night, the most loving amazing intimate conversation I've ever had with another human being.  Coincidence?  Hell no.

Back in February it happened too.  I had no idea what was happening but I decided to bite the bullet and I began posting pics on FB to create, manifest, my future with him.  And then I wrote out a manifestation- and I took it very seriously.  I still have it.  I put a lot of energy and love into it, unknowingly.  And that night I received the very first text from him since we separated.  I was in bed and he text me "Hey!  Are you awake!  Wake up!  I want to talk to you!"  We had not talked in a long time so it was shocking.  The conversation was shocking because it was like no time had passed, and nothing had changed.  I was smart enough, believed enough, not to question him,

I simply enjoyed hearing his sweet loving sexy adorable voice again.

And then again in May it happened, again unknowingly.  I was really starting to lose it.  It had been weeks of silence.  I knew why he never made it home to see me, why he went totally silent again. And I mean TOTAL silence.  I basically begged him to answer me and he remained silent.  Can you imagine how hard that must be for them?  Really?  It must hurt.  Suck.  Feel like shit.  Ugh!  But I knew why, and I pulled one card.  I asked "Why so silent?"  The card read "You will not be punished for your anger but BY your anger."

I was battling anger and resentment over being ignored, slighted, abandoned, rejected, and disregarded.  So there was a part of me that totally knew the truth- he was being used as my mirror. But my freaking EGO fights and fights and FIGHTS.  I can literally FEEL my ego fighting.  EGO= Easing God Out.  Letting fear take front stage, pushing Spirit and Love and Truth to the side while ego rubs its evil little hands together fighting for power- ego does not want to be silenced, let me tell you.  It will fight to the bitter end.  Mine surely has.  I'm fighting back though.

But yes I was battling ego.  And one night ego whispered in my ear "Maybe it is of the darkness. Maybe he is not who you think he is.  Maybe this is all to MAKE YOU INSANE."  I started losing it a bit.  I was on shaky ground.  Fear was taking over; I could feel it.  Anxiety.  Insanity.  Lies.  So what did I do?  I grabbed my computer, opened my blog and told myself "You are going to remember him God dammit!  Right now!  You fucking do it!  You start typing truth right now- don't you DARE forget the best thing that ever happened to you.  Don't you dare let fear feed you lies.  Remember him.

Remember his love.  Bring him close again.  WRITE about him..."

So I did.  I pounded out a blog post about my love.  I brought him close to my heart again.  We'd reconnected via email but it was sporadic and felt weird.  Just weird.  Not really "him" at all.  So I wrote about his goodness.  The man who was here, loving me.  Who loved me.  Who loveS me.  I wrote of him spending the day with me and my son, his choice to do so.  He planned it.  He treated us both so well.  I wrote and cried and felt him again.

And immediately upon hitting "publish" I got a text from him {we rarely text- that mode of communication is only used between us when it is really supposed to grab my attention} that read, "If you are up please call me."

DUDE I was on that like white on rice!  I fucking dialed his number before you could say "boo" and I melted as soon as I heard his sweet uncertain shy smiley "hi."

Oh. My. God.

We didn't talk about the silence.  But he did gently explain why he didn't come back to see me, in his own words.  His own interpretation knowing nothing really about twin souls or the energy or anything like that.  He had been so excited to see me- but he got "sick."  VERY very stressed out.  It basically half-way ruined his trip to The Masters, poor guy!  And I do have to tell you- the entire time he was there I was FUCKING OUT OF MY MIND in fear and anger and trying to hold on to the love.  But I was shooting him a ton of shit too.  A lot of mean conversations in my head.  Ugh.  And he "felt" it.  Spirit ensured he did.  He told me shakily "You stress me out Rose."  He didn't mean my contact or my words- he meant he felt me, and it made him sick.  He never even came back home.

I did slip in quickly, "Well that doesn't explain why you couldn't tell me so," but I knew better.  I knew better than to torture him or make him feel guilty for my own energy exchange.  He felt bad enough already.  So instead of being an asshat I simply enjoyed him.  And he is so damn sweet and kind and... he so wants to come home and see me.  I know this.

And I want so badly to get him back here and in my arms again.

But even more- and this is not so easy... I have this idea that somehow because we are so very connected, and he is such a strong mirror for me, that when I do not totally believe in his love, when I don't trust and own the truth and love and know those kisses were and always will be truth, then I am not defending his love or Light.  We are so linked- that somehow I think what I believe about him becomes his reality.

I'd better defend the shit out of that guy.  He's battled his ass off too.  Emotionally this cannot be easy for my sweet little twin soul.  I know this because... he's shown it to me along the way.  I was just too scared to believe it or to pay close enough attention.  But the sighs and telling me "I need you- I just need you in my life" did not mean nothing.  It was truth.

I would like for us both to be happy.  I really would, and I don't think either of us are happy apart.  he really has proved to me so many times who he is: Love.

Just love.  The other stuff?  That's ME.  Unfortunately that is my fear being shoved back at me through the mirror and it's not his fault.  I create my own monsters.  No one to blame, not even me. I have to see it in order to fight it, tame it, overcome it.  There is no other way when it comes to twin souls.

There is no one out there who can convince me that he is meant to be anything less than loved by me. I am past even explaining it to anyone.  I know in my heart what is to be believed.  And I know what is to be done, and I hope anyone reading this takes some understanding of my words.

What you believe about your twin soul is what will be given to you from above.  So you'd best believe in their goodness, nothing less.  If you perceive your twin soul to have some kind of flaw then it would be best if you just let that be his business, not yours.  Do not say something like "He has a drinking problem" or "he is narcissistic."  In saying so you are just making it more real, giving it more energy.  It is not your business to heal him or to worry about what he needs to heal.  It is your business to see what he shows you, and to love him through it.

There are many out there who do not want to believe that, and that is fine.  So many people wonder why the universe "taunts" them with this connection.  It is because when it comes to twin souls- soul will forever try to reunite you.  So signs will forever be given to you.  Always.  It is up to you whether or not you are going to believe and hold on to love.  It does not take much to hold on to the love.  It is NOT wrong to love, even secretly.  I know some twin souls are married to other people- and it is not wrong to hold someone close to your heart even if you are married or are in a relationship with someone else.  Love is okay.  Really.  And to hold on to that love, to trust in it, and to even hope in it- while being with someone else is not a sin.  Love is love is love.  I am talking about LOVE.  Even if that person is no longer in your life, or lives 2100 miles away, or is married... love is never wrong.

Do not feel guilty for loving.  Soul is not here to ruin families or tear people apart- but I do believe that soul, God, makes things happen if we hold on to the love and belief.

I feel for people who don't understand, who end up with another and then lose their freaking minds when they can't stop thinking about their twin soul.  Who feel guilty for loving another while being in the arms of who they entered into a relationship with, who they also love.  It is one reason why I am writing this blog, to try and show people truth.  When they seemingly freak out, run, and act insane or mean or even vile and HURTFUL it is often, if they are truly a twin soul, because they are mirroring back to us the deep dark scary shit we need to heal.  And if we run from then- it will likely follow us forever.  For me it is easier to stay alone and face it, do my absolute best to work through all of my shit, than to love a new person while being so in love with Joron in my heart.  How could I even be honest knowing that if he were to come back I'd drop the new person like a hot potato?  It's not fair to anyone... not me, not my twin and definitely not to someone who might fall in love with me.  Much easier for me to just sit back and deal with being by myself.  Loving from afar.  Honoring my heart.  I am not saying I am "better" at all for doing this- actually I am saying it is what is easiest for me {and I was guided here even before I met Joron} instead of dealing with the trauma of being in a relationship with someone new while wishing he was someone else.

Only holding on to the love will get us to reunion, even if we are with another.  I do feel if we genuinely fall in love with another who is not meant to be forever then that person will fill a role and later, if meant to, ease away.  I believe some people on this journey ARE meant to meet other people. Some are not.  Me- I am not meant to at this point; I was meant to be alone and experience independence and learning how to be strong by myself, face my demons alone with the assistance of Spirit and my twin soul from afar.

We ARE creating a new template for love- for a love that is fought for.  Believed in even though the unbelievable is thrown at us.  A love that is held on to, even secretly down deep inside, locked in that vault that is a woman's heart... never to be let go of.  Maybe I am wrong.  Maybe I am just a really deep romantic but all this bullshit talk about "breaking the ties" and "letting go" and all that- it is uncessary and in the end will only create more pain.  I don't really like the label "twin soul" because it sounds kinda hokey to me.  After living this experience though I can't deny Joron is a very special soul connection to me, and I will love him through thick and thin.  Forever.  No matter what.  No cord cutting, no feeling badly about "attachment."  It's love.  It's expected of me from God- holding on to my love for him, even while I dream of having him in my arms again, is my mission.  Plain and simple.  Whether I hear from him tonight {hey a girl can dream} or in... *only Spirit knows* does not matter.  It is still my mission to hold on to the love I have for him.  That means no resentment.  No anger.  No ego.  No putting him down on social forums.  No acting like I am so much more spiritually evolved and he's lost.  Nothing like that.  We are both loving finding and holding on to the Light.  Loving.  Good.  Genuine.  Pure.  Of God.  Blessed.  Loved from above.

Just love.