Stay Calm And Take Care of Me

I'm sad right this moment and I will tell you why.  I just got off the phone with a young girl I met online some months ago through all this TS stuff.  She reached out to me to ask me some questions about her new boyfriend and I ended up shocked out of my mind, on the phone with her while wishing I could stick my foot up his manipulative ass.  She's young, naive, not worldly at all, and I am so glad she thought to contact me.  We had a long talk and I will be checking with her soon.

But it made me realize something, and it came to me as I was rereading my last blog post where I wrote about my home.  I was thinking about what it would be like to live in someone else's home instead of my own.  Like... if my son and I were to move to CA and live with Joron in his home.  My heart totally constricted when I had the thought.  I got scared.  This is my home.  The one I am living in now.  I...  I... I have always taken care of myself.  Always.  I don't know any other way.

I've been married twice and I was the one who took care of business.  In my childhood my parents did not know how to parent me; my mother was so not a nurturer.  She did not guide me or love me or mother me.  There was no showing me how to style my hair or wear makeup or shave my legs.  I would give SO much to have a daughter and raise her the RIGHT way, with love and tenderness. I had no one there to boost my morale.  Now my father worked hard and we had a home, food, schooling, etc.  We took vacations.  It's not like I did not have a good life.  But at the same time- I did not have what other kids had.  I have certain relatives who said we looked like little bums because we did not have many new clothes, and in school the kids made fun of me for wearing the same clothes over and over again.  I had a job at age 15 and I used part of it to buy new stuff here and there.  I mothered myself.  Even back then I mothered myself.  I kept a journal and poured out my woes and mothered myself.  And my baby sister who was ten years younger than me, and then I mothered my alcoholic mom when she turned to the bottle hard core at age forty.

Then I met my first boyfriend and move out of the house.  I was still being abused at the time.  I sometimes tell myself that I am being melodramtic or my memories are incorrect but I remember coming home from college one day and my dad drug me up the stairs to my bedroom, literally, after hitting me for a really stupid reason.  He was taking nude photos of my mother in the living room and I interrupted them.  They had told me to walk home from class but I was offered a ride and took it so I got home earlier than expected.  I got punished because I took the ride instead of walking home.  It was not long after that when I moved out but it was a struggle.  I lived with my boyfriend for a while until we broke up.  Not long after that I met my first husband and lived with him.  We ended up moving into our own place.  And the same with my second husband.  We met and moved into our own place, the home I bought that I live in now.

But my point is that in both marriages I kind of was the "keeper" of everything.  First marriage I did it ALL.  Everything.  I was responsible for our finances, the house, worked a ton of hours, cleaned, cooked, did it all.  I found the home we lived in and got us into it.  Then with my second husband we moved in together to the home we {I} bought and I still was the one to take care of the house on my own.  I did mostly everything.  I could not rely on either man for much.  My second husband was more responsible than my first.  I didn't know any better.  I did not make the best choices but again they lead me to having my son, and I would not change it for the world because I have him.

I have never been able to rely on anyone, in my whole life, to take care of me.  Do you know how saddening that is for me?  I sit here so worried about being "co-dependent" or too attached to Joron.  Unable to take care of myself.  HA!  Ha fucking ha!  I have been the only one to take care of me!  With both husbands- when I got sick they acted like assholes.  My second husband was a jackass every time I got sick.  I could not count on him for shit when it came to taking care of me.

I have utterly no idea what it feels like to have someone take care of me, and I don't know how to let anyone take care of me.  The concept is completely foreign to me.  Joron would come over and bring me little gifts and I would be tickled but it would totally overwhelm me; no one had ever done that for me before.  It was a beautiful beautiful thing.  And the day he took me and my son out, planned the play day himself.  No one had done anything like that either.  He treated me with TLC, and I am not making this up.  There are no rose-colored glasses sitting on my face right now.  This is not a case of cleaning up my memories. It is truth.  He was my gift.

Joron was the first man to actually love me the way I love others.  In speaking with my aunt earlier we were talking about men.  I said that guys these days don't expect to go above and beyond.  I've been tempted to date a few times in this separation.  I talked with one guy from Chicago a while back. He asked me how far it was from where I live and I told him about forty minutes.  He said, "Good then it's not that far of a drive for you to come meet me on Friday night."

FUCK THAT.  Do you hear me?  Fuck all the noise.  If a man wants to meet me then he can drive his ass out to meet me here in my area.  Never again will I stoop so low as to walk through fire for a man when he is unwilling to do the same for me.  Joron?  He wanted to treat me well.  It made him feel good to make me feel good.  My happiness, even only knowing me for a short while, was important to him!  This is why he was so considerate and gentle with me.  Why he made sure to be in contact with me, and why he reassured me.  He was thoughtful and brought me and my son gift like the organic beef for us to try, and his home made food.  And candy or cookies.  Just... he treated me in a way that no one else has in my whole life.

In. My. Whole. Life.

Of course I didn't  know how to handle it!  What was expected of me?  Everyone else I'd been close to either hurt me, took advantage of me, or overlooked me.  My husbands did not take care of me in any way, shape or form.  I could not count on them for SHIT.  My son's dad could not even skip his annual fishing vacation to stay home with his pregnant wife just in case she, oh I don't know, went into labor; I was eight months pregnant.  He should have made the choice on his own to stay home with me just in case.  But no.  I was not a priority.

I was never a priority.  That is the problem.  This is where my fears come from.  Do you see?  I always had to take care of myself.  I take good care of myself now.  Shit.  I have a good professional career.  I nice big comfy house.  A new car.  I am a single mother.  I make home cooked meals or sometimes we go out.  I play with my kid.  I keep him very happy, very content.  I just took him to Disney World.  Obviously I AM doing something right.  I am a great mother, and I've done most of it on my own.  Anyone in my life would vouch for that.  Me and my son are a team, and he can always count on me to give him love and nurturing.  I will always be supportive and guide him.  He can always trust me.  I was unable to trust my parents, not back in my formative years when I actually needed them.  I never knew when they would turn on me.

But I do it on my own, with the help of God.  When I was married he did very little.  Yes we shared the bills.  But I did not count on him for much, especially nothing emotionally.  I have always taken care of myself.  If I get sick I take care of me.  It just kinda hit me like a ton of bricks that I have always had to count on myself.  ME.  Now don't get me wrong- I have some amazing friends who have been there for me through thick and thin, thank God.  I appreciate them so much, my angels. But it's still not the same as having someone who has your back at every turn.

I've never had that.

One night after Joron left for CA he told me on the phone, "Be that butterfly and fly to CA and live with me."  He told me that my son and I could come live with him.  He said that I did not have to work, or could work part-time and be a writer.  Said he'd support me.

He told me he would... did you read that?  Support me.  Care FOR ME.  Me.  He would care for me.

And I responded the only way I knew how- with skepticism and disbelief.  I said that I would have to work.  I told him no one had ever taken care of me, and I had to work just in case.  I said, "What if you decided you didn't want me and you left me and my child?  What would I do then?"  Fear of abandonment and rejection, having to continue to do it on my own.

I am so sad.  I can't even sit here and imagine living in his home.  I can only imagine living in my home because the idea of counting on someone else, living in what does not belong to me, is totally foreign to me.  I can't imagine someone wanting to take care of me, and my child.  I don't think God should come down on me for that either because I don't know any other way.  I've been forced to take care of myself, to only rely on me.

It would be a dream come true for me to be able to get sick and have someone take care of me, have some compassion for me, nurture me.  Never.  I've never had that.

It's just a sad moment for me right now as this realization kicks in.

Another time during our separation we were talking on the phone and he was telling me some fun things he wants to do with me in CA.  Now mind you since this entire thing is one big MIND FUCK I never knew what to do with his strange reaching out to me.  He'd disappear for weeks, ignore my messages, and then suddenly be on the phone like nothing had really changed.  Of course I felt like I was losing my mind.  Wouldn't you?  But he said to me very gently, "Rose.  You deserve to be happy.  You deserve to be happy now."

Well that's all fine and dandy but I was still scared.  I didn't know exactly what was happening.  I thought maybe I was being tricked, tortured.  I only knew I was tired of pain.

I am so tired of pain.  So tired of pain.  Done with pain.  My life has been filled with so much pain that I want to be pain-free now.  I am trying to figure out how to be rid of pain when the love of my life is no longer with me yet reminders of him are everywhere and I am told to "feel" him constantly. Being unable to just forget- it's not easy.  And I am SO done with pain!  I have paid my dues!  I am a good person.  I take care of others.  I am a wonderful loving kind nurturing mother.

I want someone in my life who I can count on,.. who will take care of me once in a while.  I just did not know how to accept it since I never had it, not even as a child.  I didn't know how to let Joron love me.  But that should not be held against me.

I get it.  The twin soul experience is not punishment even though it feels like it.  It's to force us to see these things and address them.  I don't know how how to let someone take care of me or nurture me. I WANT it but don't know how to allow it.  And when Joron tried I got scared.  I didn't believe it.  I didn't believe he'd actually want us to come to CA with him and share a life, move into HIS home. Let him actually take care of me and help with my son.

Who would love me enough to want to do something like that? <--- this is how I felt.  I still kind of do, but come on.  I'm battling to believe while faced with total silence and after getting hit with straight up cruelty.  It's a challenging position to be in.

All the while here I am still managing to make it on my own.  I am independent and strong.  I've made it through this Hellish nightmarish twin soul experience.  That says a lot about me and my fortitude. No one better ever try and tell me because I love hard that I am dependent.  I might punch someone if I am told that.  I am the farthest thing from dependent.  I depend on myself.  I didn't know how to let myself depend on Joron, and now he is not in my life.

I am sad.  I want that.  I want him back so I can trust him.  Count on him.  Let him love me and help take care of my child.  Have a child with him and experience him being an awesome daddy.

I deserve to have a man in my life who shows my children what it's like for a man to honestly love their mother.  I am a DAMN good soul, good woman with a great big ole' loving heart, and I deserve that more than you know.  I am so tired of only being able to count on myself.  I want someone else to take care of me for once in my life.

I really want that man to be Joron.  He showed it to me but I was scared.  He did, honestly.  He was THAT man, the one I asked for on my rocks.  It's awesome and tragic at the same time.  Wonderful because I knew him.  Sorrowful because he is not here with me now.   I only have the memories to hold on to, and they are bittersweet.  They break my heart; I cry more than anyone can possibly imagine.  No one should be able to blame me for being unable to accept his love, no matter what my guidance told me, not after the life I have lived.  I tell my son that he can trust me and I will always be here for him because my GOD I never want him to go through these life experiences like I have. If I honestly did choose this shit for myself- I want it to be done now.  I want out.  I want my lessons to be over.  I love myself.  I get it.  But for fuck's sake I deserve my one true love to share my life with.  I am ready to believe in it but I need it to come back to me.  Or if he was just a catalyst, a very strong very heartbreaking catalyst, then I have done my duty in holding on to the love, loving unconditionally and I am ready for the real one and only to come to me.  I still feel in my heart that is Joron but really only God and my Higher Self knows.  My Higher Self is a tricky tricky one and I am not yet at a place where I know if I am being given full truth or only what I need to know now.  Because of that I can only do what I am told which is to love him, and I do.  Completely.  I love him fully no matter the outcome, with a love that will go with me to the grave and beyond.

I guess only time will tell.  For now I deal with the silence while I... just keep swimming.

  

Orchestration By The Divine

I complain about this experience.  I shouldn't.  It was the only way I would finally listen to the guidance I was getting from above and Joron has wanted to come back about twenty-five times in the last year but I could not maintain my energy.  If I don't work my energy then he's not going to be able to connect with me.  I am a stubborn Leo.  I love hard but I refused to make some necessary changes to my life, like I would not stop drinking.  I was tempted to distract with men.  I also continuously doubted my experiences with The Divine.  I would not be gentle to myself.  I would not believe I am a channel, a psychic.  Doubt was so strong inside of me.  I would not give it up.  I refused to claim my divinity no matter who told me or what I was shown.  It was only through meeting Joron and going through all of this that I was able to see that YES I am "different."  I have a strong connection with The Divine.  I also needed to clean up my life.  Not like it was royally falling apart but there was so much shit inside of me, and it needed to be cleaned up.  Prioritized.  The shit inside of me needed to be cleaned out more than my 3D life.

For example- I used to berate myself because I am not the most organized person.  At all.  And my home is not perfectly in order.  I like an orderly space but I can let paperwork pile up.  I shove it in a box in the closet.  I hate doctor bills.  I pay my bills but sometimes late, and I'm never up to date on those damn doctor bills.  Organization and I do not go hand in hand at all.  My credit score has lowered since I started awakening because there are times I can barely remember to wipe my butt properly let alone get all my credit cards paid on time.  But hey- my home and car are paid.  My electric, water and gas is paid.  We have food on the table and I've opened my home to more than one person over the years who has needed shelter from the storm.  I'm doing okay.  Nevertheless I would just beat myself up over the fact that there are dishes in the sink, cat hair balls in the corner, crumbs under the sofa.  Toys in various places.  Books laying around.  A cup of juice on the coffee table.  I'd fret and worry that I was separated from my twin soul because I was not a good housekeeper.  Or I still ate red meat.  One day I was channeling and my guidance told me something that changed the way I saw a big part of my life.  I was told that my home was very warm, comfortable and safe.  That my son felt entirely comfortable and relaxed in our home.  Free to play, be joyful and express himself, and this is true.  I let him chalk on the kitchen walls, lol.  And while I like to keep a neat space for me to relax... we do not have TV so he has a ton of toys and plays all the time.  When I was growing up nothing could be out of place.  The house had to be in perfectly clean condition at every moment so we were always on edge, never relaxed.  My guidance told me my son will never experience that fright.  He will always associate the home he grew up in as a safe haven, warmth and comfort.  I made him a wonderful home and I should be thankful and proud of that instead of always worrying that I was not "good enough."

Well that shifted my thoughts about my house, that's for sure!  LOL.  I have a lovely home.  An old yet glowing warm tri-level.  The family who owned it before us had six children in here.  I have one! But it has good energy, this house.  I've had many people stay here when they needed a hand.  And it is the only home my son has known.  I bought it myself before I was married, and I kept it after the split.  Higher Self made sure to see to that by maneuvering me into a promotion right before my life started falling... into place {not apart.}  Then I made enough money to live on my own with my son.

Higher Self is an interesting energy.  It plays a huge role in my life, and for those other twin soul out there- it plays a similar role in your life too.  Our lives are basically orchestrated by Higher Self.  We each have a predestined path chosen for us with a desired outcome planned by Higher Self.  I've seen some really strange stuff happen around me since being separated from Joron.  It shows me that I really do feel I am supposed to stick with this twin soul journey, be committed to Joron even while we are separated.  Somehow soul/Higher Self works through many around me.  Through Joron too but on a different level with him.  He is my largest mirror.  The others... I am not sure how it works but it does.

For example.  Joron went quiet on a Friday.  I was freaking losing my mind.  I thought I'd lost my boyfriend.  I was unsure of our status.  It was Hell.  A few days later I saw a name in my "S" list on my phone, "Steve."  I thought, "Who is that?  I don't remember."  Next day I get a text from Steve!  I realized he was a guy I'd met for lunch a few times the spring before I met Joron.  Nice guy, nice looking {looks similar to Joron actually} but I was not interested in him.  He wanted to date me but he understood and was very polite when I told him no.  He ended up getting a nice girlfriend but we met for lunch a few more times, totally just friends, and then faded off.  He's a Human Resources guy, was easy and fun to talk to but there was that friends vibe between us.  So a few days after Joron goes quite and I'm totally scared and vulnerable Steve text me and asked me to lunch.

Strange timing, right?  Goofing off he sent me a picture of himself and I thought, "God I forgot how much he looks like Joron."  I asked him if he was still dating his GF and he said no so I told him I'd meet him for lunch BUT it was just as friends.  Briefly I explained I was dating someone long distance and I didn't know our status, and I told him I was heartbroken, not looking for anyone new.

One would think- nice guy before so he'll be a good guy now.  Wrong.  It was SO weird!  He asked me what my panties looked like!  He kept asking me to send him a picture of my smile {thinks I am pretty.}  I took a quick picture of my face and sent it to him but it felt weird.  I told him I was sad.  I told him I was not impressed with him asking about my underwear, and the whole time I was thinking, "Is this guy for real?  Where did the man I met before go?"  He was friendly before but never asked me about my underwear.  So he laughed and said something like, "Well a woman wearing sexy undies should make her feel better."  He also said that maybe he could help me get over my MIA boyfriend.  Ugh.

Then the following Saturday Joron still had not reached out to me and I was losing my mind.  I was making breakfast when Steve text me.  He asked me for a weekend photo and I went off on him.  I told him the only man I wanted to share photos with was gone and I was dying inside and how could he be so callous?  I told him we would not be getting together for lunch after all... and I expected SOMETHING.  Some response.  But I got nothing.  No "I'm sorry."  No "screw off bitch."  Nada. And I knew it just was not normal.  I felt,,, tested somehow.  Like this guy who looked so similar to my twin soul, who thought I was very attractive and was showing total interest in me, was thrust in my face as if to say, "Are you going to turn to what's easy out of fear?  You could you know.  You could just date this guy instead.  A substitute.  It would be easy and you would not have to be alone. Joron isn't contacting you.  He's deserted you- probably has a girlfriend already.  So yeah- you could totally just date this guy.  Distract.  He's kinda cute.  Looks like Joron even.  Why not?"

It was just so out of the blue, and to his credit Steve did not behave like that when I first met him months earlier.  He was actually charming.  I was sorry that I did not want to date him because he was a good catch.  I was shocked when he turned into Pantie Man Steve!  It was just not normal.  I can't explain it better than that.  It was like he was being used to push me.

I know it was Higher Self testing me.  Testing my fortitude to see if I caved to what was easy out of fear.  Tested me to see if I would stand up to the annoyance of being objectified.  My life is THAT orchestrated by my Higher Self.  How does it work?  I am not sure.  Somehow people are able to be used as channels way more than we realize.  That is all I can comprehend.

Then later came Brian.  I met him online during a weak moment.  I asked for a spiritual friend and he wrote to me.  Immediately he kept commenting on my writing ability, how he was attracted to me based solely on how I wrote, and that was a warning sign to me.  All my soul mates were attracted to my way with words, and Joron especially.  And my guidance kept telling me to WRITE about Joron so when this man started in about my writing it felt... guided.  I explained to him about Joron and how I was waiting but I would like a friend.  Still I knew inside that it was not right.  He agreed to the friends part and wanted to meet for lunch.  Joron came close again and I cancelled lunch.  Then my energy sent him off again and one day Brian wrote to me, asked if I ever saw my soul mate.  I told him no and I thought to myself, "Man I'd like to talk to him on the phone."  His next email to me said, "I really think we should talk.  Call me later," and he gave me his number.

So later I called him.  As I called him I had this weak thought of, "Man I'd love a hug."  Brian answers the phone and says that he is very intuitive and feels that I need a hug.  So I was totally weirded out but almost considering it.  He is attractive and well-spoken.  We talked for a few minutes and he said he wanted to meet me to give me that hug.  But then he said something like, "And hold you."  I was thinking. "Do I live in some alternate universe because the strangest shit happens to me!" THEN he sounded strange so I asked him what he was doing and he was brushing his teeth.  So this guy who wants to meet me to hug me and "hold me" was brushing his teeth in anticipation of meeting me?

Strange, and not okay.  Not okay to "read my mind," feel my weakness, and test me to see if I was going to cave to being rescued.  Not cool that Higher Self was using him to test me.  So I told him no. I did not want to meet him, did not need a hug, did not need to be saved.  I told him if Joron was planning to meet a woman who was an Atheist "just as friends" I would be losing my mind so out of respect to him I would stay away.

It was not accidental.  My life is clearly orchestrated from above.  I could have chosen to meet either Steve or Brian.  I have free will.  But I was shown the eeriness and it did not sit well with me.  I don't need some strange man I've never met before wanting to "hold me" upon first meeting.  Isn't that just creepy?  It's not even normal.  I was being shown, "Not a good idea!"

There were others too.  People who would just pop up out of nowhere.  Mark, the guy I wanted so so badly years ago, and he's always wanted me too.  He was moving back to my area and wanted to see me a few months back.  Easy easy.  Hot Italian who's wanted to land me for ten years and finally we are both single at the same time. He blatantly asked me if he was finally going to be able to make love with me... here I am celibate and not in touch with my twin soul.  Hot Italian who shared one intense kiss with me years ago, one neither one of us have ever forgotten.  But no.  I am not a conquest.  And how is he going to just pop up out of nowhere?  Now?  I want MORE.  I want a relationship with someone who loves me for ME.  Not out of unresolved lust.

I was tested.  I know this.  Higher Self wants to see if I am willing to wait for Joron.  Here I am pushing him off with my energy.  Am I going to work for this or am I going to run off into the arms of a distraction?  I can't attribute it all to coincidence.  Not with the mind reading.  Not with the synchs that are too timely.

Same thing happened last Spring when I almost cracked and met my last soul mate for a fling.  He had reached out a few times and I'd pushed him off.  Then I got more and more scared over Joron's separation from me and one night SM #3 {who was like heroin for me} text me.  The next morning we ended up in a text conversation and right then, RIGHT THEN, the song I associate with him began playing on Pandora and I had not heard it for ages.  NO COINCIDENCE!  Soul/Higher Self/The Divine... it's so strong in my life!  I almost saw SM #3.  We IMed one night and it got sexual.  We discussed meeting for a drink, maybe... hooking up.  When we ended the IM convo I sobbed my eyes out because he was not Joron!  I wanted Joron, not some married man I knew better than to see.  But here is the catch.  Higher Self said, "Oh it's okay.  You are weary and need a break."

I was being made to be discerning on my own.  To choose higher.  To ascend past base needs and fears.  We planned to meet the following Friday night when I did not have my son.  That night I got the worst migraine ever, and I had not had a headache in at least a year.  It was for no reason too meaning I had not been drinking or anything else.  I was not stressed either.  I just ended up on the couch in the dark texting him that I could not meet him that night.

Yeah.  Higher Self knew how to stop that show from going any farther.  After that I confided to a friend what I'd planned to do and she said, "Are you fucking crazy!"  And I love Joron.  My other friend, my mentor, said... "Really?  Here this man is out there somewhere entwined in this strange situation with you and you want to turn back to what was, to what you had to let go, for a fling?  How would he feel if he knew?  What about his being faithful to you?  What are you going to say if he asks if you've been seeing anyone?  You going to be honest?"

Then Higher Self said, "Well well well.  Learning how to choose right from wrong on your own, hm? Absolutely do not see him.  It would be a huge step backwards."

Talk about feeling really stupid!  Close call.  But see, again I feel like I was tested to see if I was getting any stronger.  Growing in my awareness.  Do not think for one moment we are not expected to choose right from wrong.  There is all this talk about "duality" and there being no judgment but see- there is ENERGY.  And if we do something "bad" that makes us feel like shit then it negatively affects our energy and that is not a good thing.  Had I seen SM #3 after all the bullshit it took to let him go... it would have been an energetic disaster.  I would have HATED myself, felt like a hussy, and I would have felt like I was cheating on Joron.  I also would have felt like I went backwards in my lessons.  Like HUGELY.

Not long after that I ended up on the phone with Joron and he asked me, "So have you dated anyone?"  UGH!  I was able to honestly say NO, and he said the same.  Only dated rocks since me {Geologist joke.}  Said he was too busy and there was no one there like me...

We all need to realize that this entire experience is orchestrated by Higher Self, and we are tested. We are expected to make the higher choice.  I know we are.  Prior lessons are put to the test to see if our awareness has grown.  We are not "punished" by God or Higher Self but we are "punished" by our own lowered energetic choices.

I came close a few times, lol.  But I feel good that I have stayed alone to face myself and my fear.  In my twin soul experience that has been my plan.  I am still healing from the choices I made before I met James in sharing my body with men I should not have.  I need a time for purity and wholesomeness.  I don't need to find distraction in men, and this has been shown to me quite a few times in the last year.

But I rocked it, lol.  At least that portion ;)

I was told to be gentle to myself.  I refused to do so for the longest time.  I was hard on myself both physically and mentally.  After meeting Joron, right now, I treat myself well.  I have sensitivity for my plight and I treat myself well.  That means being a bit of a hermit but that's okay.  I still love my twin soul with all my heart, and I am so glad to finally be at a place where I am able to be alone, not turning to distractions that left me feeling empty.  Cherishing myself.  It is a good thing.

It's what my Higher Self has wanted for me.  I may not be to reunion but at least I saved myself.

LOL- I just realized I used my twin's real name quite a few times when I wrote this post.  Oops :)

Awakening Part Two

All through my initial Dark Night of The Soul my guidance was very gentle with me,  Like a soft loving mother taking care of a child.  I was scared of my guidance.  Suspicious and not trusting.  I am skeptical by nature and I think it comes from being an abused child.  Think of an abused dog who wants to be loved.  A new person comes into the dog's life and reaches out for the dog with a kind hand.  The dog will come near, tentatively, and then pull back when the hand gets close enough to pet the dog.  That is me.  I would come close then pull away but I did stay in contact.  "Hope" was my guide's name.  And again all I got from her was love.  She gave me a litany of things like:

Love yourself
Forgive yourself
God loves you
I love you
You are love
You are Light
You are a walking glowing ball of Love energy
Open your heart

She also spoke of something she called my "pot of poop" which was all the shit inside of me, all the crap I hated about myself.  She spoke of the eternal connection I had with my soul mate,  Spoke of the love I had for him and of the love he had for me but she never deluded me into thinking he would be mine.  She only stressed the love.  And she began speaking of my "quest."  There was a lot more but I no longer have most of that stuff, sadly.  I burned it all in a fit of fear.

Fear is a dark insidious bastard of an emotion.  People think hate is the worst energy on earth but it is not.  Hatred stems from fear.  Fear is the worst.  Fear makes people delusional.  I've been there.

Towards the end with my first soul mate Hope left me.  I felt her leave.  When I began healing from the pain I felt with my first soul mate love then came some different energy.  It felt more masculine.   More matter of fact yet still gentle.  I sat in church one day begging God to save me from my tempted nature.  I mean I sobbed in the pew with people watching me.  I was freaking out inside, did not feel like myself at all.  And not long after I met soul mate #2.

Soul mate #2.  Ah.  Sweetheart.  Physically not what normally appealed to me in a man.  Stark bald and short.  Honestly he has a funny-shaped head, lolol.  Is that mean?  No.  I adored him.  I could not help but adore him.  We were meant to meet.  He was married too, in my town for a few months on work and he was, in his married life, as lonely as I had been.  I am not a stupid woman.  I know when someone is playing me.  I also know when someone is genuinely sad, lonely and struggling in a marriage they don't know how to get out from.  All of my soul mates were in that situation.  I'd been there too but Spirit got me out of it; I was not meant to stay in my marriage no matter how scared I was or how I honestly wanted to force it to work.

At this time my husband and I were trying to figure things out and it was weird.  I had no feelings left for him.  God bless him- his years of disrespecting me in public, putting me down, not spending time with me and never being intimate with me left him feeling strange to me.  He would try and be amorous and it felt... odd.  Not right.  I asked him once how he was able to even do it after I begged him all those years.  He said he always knew what I wanted but never gave it to me.  Well, obviously now it was too late.  My heart was no longer there although I didn't realize this at the time.  But I met SM#2 and... fell in love with him.  I DID feel like I was losing my mind.  How did this man's energy feel like the first one?  They looked nothing alike but they felt alike.  It was SO weird.  Both men showed signs of "coincidence" with me.  The first one exchanged a gift with me, something I will have forever, and it was surreal- like he'd known me all my life.  Little things would catch my attention and make me think, "This guy must be what is known as a soul mate."

My guidance introduced me to the Celtic symbol of "Awen."  Soul mate #2 and I grew very close. My husband of course found out and this sounds horrible- I did not care.  I told him it was over and I wanted a divorce.  I could not stand it any longer.  And that was that.  I did not mean to hurt the man. It was never my intention to harm him or hurt him or be mean to him but after seven years of being pushed to the side something snapped in me.  And his sneaking around freaked me out.  And his constant drinking, always coming him drunk for years and years.  I just did not care any longer.  I got a taste of what love felt like and YES- it overrode my desire to "fix" something that could not be fixed.  Everyone around me, even the two psychics I contacted, pegged him perfectly and told me it would not work.  My guidance told me to let him go... and finally I did.

I am not saying I was 100% correct.  I'm not perfect; I'm no angel.  I am not saying cheating is the answer just in my case it is what finally ended a marriage that needed to end.  And my ex-husband was always full of swagger. Arrogant.  He pissed people off around us wherever he went; my friends would not invite us out because my ex annoyed them.  My extended family would get upset with his cocky comments.  And he put me down all the time. In the end he found out about BOTH of my lovers.  I am sure it hurt, and I am sorry it hurt.  But maybe that was his path to walk.  Maybe next time he has something good in his life he will try a little bit harder to take better care of it.  Who knows.  He has a decent heart- I just NEVER knew it, ever.  I know very little about him.  We did not talk, didn't share much.  He was a closed book.  I wish him happiness.  I hope he can find a woman who suits him so he can have a happy relationship, a good marriage.  We just were not a good fit together.  Something about me got under his skin; I am not quite sure what but we ended up more like oil and water for some reason.

Just not meant to be I guess.  And all of that is in the past.  It is about two years later now.  He is dating someone new and she seems very nice.  She likes my son, and she seems to make my ex happy.  That's what matters to me.  LOL- I scope her FB page once in a while to see if they are still dating {in the hopes that they are} and it is SO weird to see him in a holiday photo with her- but they are both smiling and seem happy, and God knows I want the man happy.  I honestly do.  We get along well- but my Higher Self will give me nudges when I need to stand my ground with him. Despite all of my writing here, there is no one else on earth whose shit I tend to overlook like I do my ex-husband's shit... and I really don't know why.  Musings for another time.

So I loved soul mate #2.  We became super duper close, like BFF close.  He is a wonderful guy and he fell HARD in love with me, soul mate love.  It was so obvious.  We had a moment standing together at a concert where we felt like we melded into one, and he felt it too.  It freaked him out.  He didn't know what to think but we knew we'd been meant to meet.  He was a blessing to me.  Before he had to leave to go back home he told me he wanted to get his first tattoo with me, a matching tat. He sent me some pictures of possible tattoos and one he sent was Awen.  And I knew I was being shown that, yes, we were linked somehow.

That was a very loving time.  Nothing about us clashed.  Letting him go was heartbreaking but had to happen.  He has a complicated life back where he lives, lots of kids.  He was in {I hope it is different now} a loveless marriage; she sounded like she barely tolerated him.  We kept in touch after he left but the energy changed to more friends.  It was meant to.  But we both acknowledged that we were strong soul mates.  He showed me so much pure strong open love, and it was something I needed.  I have wonderful memories of him.  This song SO reminds me of him... he is a big Dylan fan.

I still had to fight through my fear of "Does he really love me" with him.  I still have some of my writings from back then.  After he was gone I battled a lot with my ego fears.  Because I am a MOTHER first I didn't see this man often.  He would drive out to meet me on my evening bike ride and we'd ride pretty much in silence next to each other, stopping to hug and talk for a few moments. I felt like I could easily have married him had he been single, and that is key.  I was NOT supposed to marry him hence why he was married already.  I needed the experience but he was never meant to be mine.  My guidance gave me a lot of the same messages during that time.  All about believing in love, being joyful, keeping my energy him, knowing I was love, not hating myself, being aware of my thoughts and fears, and I was told I had an eternal connection with this man.  And I felt that.  We felt perfect to each other.  It's not describable.  My husband moved out and then I was on my own for the first time in my life, on my way to being divorced and a single mother.

And then I met soul mate #3 and I honestly thought I might be going insane.  It was a few months after my second love left.  Soul mate #3 was... irresistible.  If you have not been through it you can't understand.  I met a nice single man a few months after my husband moved out.  He was a really nice guy.  Had two daughters, hard working man.  Friendly, handsome, great cook, interesting, and I was attracted to him.  On our first date we had a great time.  He seemed shocked to meet someone like me, and he said so.  He was very excited to have a second date with me.  My GOD was he a nice-looking man.  I felt good about meeting him.  But the strangest thing happened- we could NOT connect.  It was like putting two magnets together.  We dated a bit and did sleep together, and afterwards he told me, "I just don't feel a connection with you," and honestly I felt the same thing although I didn't want to admit it.  Everything felt forced and not easy.  Nothing wrong just not right. It almost felt karmic.  I had to learn how to handle rejection through him because he clearly did not want to be with me, and he couldn't tell me why.  He just said he didn't feel it- and yes my feelings were hurt but it was a good lesson in realizing not everyone connects with me.  With him it was like this anti-connection!  And I wanted it to work.  He was super duper cute, funny.  We laughed and had fun but that "click" was never there.  I can TELL the difference now, totally, between a soul I am supposed to connect with and one I am not.  It's and energy that cannot, and will not, be denied.

A while after that I met soul mate #3.  And again... the first time our eyes met I was like WTF is happening here?!  I resisted meeting this man for weeks because when I first met him I did not realize he was married.  And there was instant attraction.  Another bald man, lol, and I actually really like hair on a man's head- ha ha ha.  Just saying it was NOT only his physical self that attracted me; it was on a total other level.  The first moment we met I felt super comfy with him.  Safe.  SO fucking strange!!!  Our first kiss was sweet and sensual and like we could kiss for ages.  The energy was off the charts.

SM #3 had major issues in his marriage.  Major.  They would go for weeks with no talking, and still to this day they do this.  We are not in contact but every once in a while he will pop up.  I don't think he ever will again but he has here and there.  He was a hard energy to shake, and he emptied me of a lot before I met my twin soul.  I write all of this out because I want people out there to understand the way soul works,  It is unconventional and goes against our social mores.  I never thought I'd ever love three married men in a row, and I will never ever again be with another married man for as long as I live.  That is a choice I can make now, and I will.  NEVER again.  That part of my life is over- but back then it was necessary.  I had to learn from all of them but I could not be with any of them forever, and my guidance has told me I would have married any one of them but they could not have me.  And they all loved me.

SM#3 had issues with being intimate that stemmed from the state of his marriage.  His morale was shot.  It seems like they should separate but that is his journey, not mine.  I had to be very understanding, patient, kind and gentle with him.  He was often embarrassed.  Yet our connection was super strong and out of all three soul mates I had the most signs and messages concerning him. One song that to this day when I hear it freaks me out.  It was a very strong energy between us.  And it hurt, bad.  I went through a LOT of pain and letting go with him.  I wanted him happy, and I knew he'd never leave his marriage.  I prayed for them a lot, and as with all of them I did not see him often although we communicated often.  But we'd go through periods of where I forced myself to stay away from him, or Spirit would tell me to and I'd listen.  It was very loving but also very torturous.  I was given channeled messaged to give him concerning his life and healing.  I was always afraid he'd judge me.  We went through some total insanity together yet in the end he always loved me.

That is a long story for maybe not even another day.  While I knew him I went through another Dark Night of The Soul that more concerned my guidance and getting over my fears and self-hatred than it did my third soul mate.  It is a story for a separate post, one I will write later.  I want people to KNOW how Spirit can work in our lives when we are being healed of FEAR- and it is not pretty.

I've been through things that would have killed the average person about three times over already. The fear and sorrow I felt with my first soul mate nearly killed me.  The terror I went through with my guidance, fear of evil and hating myself, that I endured after I was finally on my own, just about did me in, and then after my twin soul left me- those three things all brought me closer to suicide than any human being should ever experience.  Only through God's protection am I still here.  God gave me a child because The Divine knows how to work it.  My son keeps me anchored to earth in those times when I've begged to leave all this pain and suffering.  I don't write about my son much but he is the Light of my life and I am an amazing mother.  Like AMAZING.  He is my joy, and my strong soul mate.  My son reads me like a book.  He is my rock and my salvation.  We are a team, he and I. People comment on the connection we have.  I love my little man with all my heart, and I could never leave him behind.  Our relationship is so strong that even on my worst days I've known there is nowhere I can go but up.  Not out.  I know how bad that sounds but there have been bad dark moments.  I have been on my knees in a ball keening and begging God to kill me as the pain was pushed out of me.

My Awakening has been miraculous.  I've experienced more magic and proof of The Divine than most people will in eternity.  I am blessed for that.  But it has also been more painful than anyone can really understand.  The FEAR I have been forced to face and work through has nearly killed me but I am still here.  Working through it.

Again I am writing this all out because I want people to realize that really crazy shit can happen when you begin Awakening.  The last three years of my life have been surreal, and time moves SUPER fast.  I one year I loved, thought I had a demon with me and turned from spirituality, almost killed myself, turned from God, was brought back to God, fought HUGE monstrous fears, let a soul mate go to where the letting go about killed me... and then I met my twin soul.

No one really knows what we all go through.  I treated myself badly at times.  I drank too much and in between, in my darkest moments, I did some things with men to where my shadow came up and took over.  And it never felt like me.  And it is done.  Now I do not smoke or drink or even go out.  I have no desire to be in a bar.  I spend all my time writing or with my son or working, being a mom mostly.  And I am working to reunite with my twin but I love myself for the first time in my life.

I love myself.

I love myself.

For years I detested myself.  I thought I was the biggest pile of shit ever.  I had this happy smile on the outside but inside I constantly played this recording of berating myself, noticing all my flaws, feeling like I was an annoyance.  Like people laughed at me or tolerated me.  That I was so easy to let go of.  And now?  No.  I don't feel that way any longer.  I've had to face all of that with my twin soul, and it has not been easy to have my fears channeled right through him back to me.  It's like facing the monster that is in the closet, see it face to face and tell it, "You are not real.  You can not hurt me."

Yeah, the Awakening business.  It is not for the weak but the weak will be strengthened.  God has watched over me for sure.  I know to trust even in my darkest of moments, and I still have dark moment.  Being separated from my Beloved is not easy but I have faith that we will be reunited once the energy shifts and I am fully "there."  He is out there living his life and waiting for me.  I know he is,  My sweet adorable twin soul.  God has blessed me with a lot of love in order to help heal me. Letting go has not been easy, and I've had to do it over and over again.  I just know that this last one will come back.   I feel it in my heart, and that is not something I can give up.  I am meant to fight for my dreams now and own my truth, so I will.  

My Twin Soul, Again... ;)

Joron loves The Beatles.  When we first began emailing he asked me my likes and dislikes and listed some of his.  He loves The Beatles.  Hates turkey, says it's a "dirty bird" lol.  Loves his little fluffy white puppy.  Loves 80s music.  Told me he is empathetic and wrote, "This Atheist donates his time at church soup kitchens" and he donates his time at animal shelters.  Now when I hear Beatles music it makes me think of him.

There is one major thing I have not done in this twin soul union that I have been told to do since the moment he shut off to me.  That is WRITE about him, or to him, but using my energy and intention instead of my 3D words.  I was told that from the very beginning.  Told to "Look at his photos, think of him with love and call out to him with energy."  But I ignored that advice,  Then my guidance would tell me to "call him" and I'd try calling him on the phone and he'd never answer.  Now I look back and wonder if I was being nudged- if "call him" meant "Call him with energy."

Back last year when he first "ran" and went quiet was a very chaotic time as I've explained here before.  I basically lost my mind.  And I was tested dearly.  I don't think I was listening, and still I am not totally listening.

Today I decided I wanted to explain something to my Beloved so I wrote out a long email.  I hit send and it ran and ran and ran but did not send.  It was stuck on "sending" so I attempted to cancel the transmission by turning off my ipad.  I don't think it ever sent.  It disappeared.  It is not in my draft folder and it is not in my sent folder.  I know I am not supposed to worry about 3D right now, and my GOD is that hard!  I want to write to him and get him to answer.  I want to get back together, be boyfriend and girlfriend again.

And I can want that until the cows come home and it does not mean I am going to get it by sitting here fearing and running.  I am the runner.  Our energy took a huge hit back in June... and he kept trying and trying to come back to me.  But my fear energy reached out to him and he mirrored that shit back to me HARD and it has not been the same since.  I can turn away now, dismiss it all out of the fear that it's... well, I won't even go there.  Or I can *really* give it my best shot energetically to open the line of communication between us again.  To do so means I have to do a few things.  I have to BELIEVE.  And trust both Higher Self and Joron.  I have to trust that this is all true, that he is channeling, and I gotta stop fearing him.  I also have to commit to writing about him, our love, every day so I do not forget.  I forget easily.  When I forget who he WAS I then only feel this nasty energy that's been shown to me.  I am still trying to figure out what is being shown to me with his "It's only attraction" messages.  They get worse the more I resist writing about our love and believing in him so the only thing I can comprehend is that, yes, when I don't put my energy where the love is then I am shown his attraction with no love.  It is a strange thing, this mirroring.  I hate being objectified.  I do like his desire though- but I hate the desire when it's lacking love.  And that is exactly what I am taunted with when I don't believe in his love.

But it is a step beyond that.  I am seemingly supposed to not only believe in his love but really concentrate on it.  As you can see from my last blog post about my first soul mate and my terror over whether or not he loved me... believing I am loved has been an issue for me.  My HS tells me I ignore love.  And when I ignore love, ignore the love someone has for me. then I am shown that.  And I have to find a way to shift it because it sucks my ass totally.  I heartily dislike it.  I miss my sweet loving kind twin soul.

So.  So.  So.  I really need to stop writing about my "experience" and instead write about our dreams. The love we shared.  I can not be frightened of bringing to the forefront of my mind, and my blog, the dreams we discussed.  In a short amount of time I met a perfect man.  We fell madly in love.  He told me many times "Maybe we will wake to each others kisses forever."  And then we heavily discussed marriage.  And then he asked me, "Are you going to look me in the eyes when we exchange our vows on our wedding day?"  "Sushi at our wedding."  He wants a beach wedding.  Simple.  Sushi.  I can see it all in my mind, and I have to get past my fears.  FEAR blocks and kills a destiny.  Seriously.  I can no longer live like this.  Yes I know he is not currently in my life but I cannot escape this shit.

The only way I can get past this is to do what I do best and that is write.  Shit I've been guided to "write about the kisses" for months.  To mother the love.  To log the happiness.  And if I have to write about this stuff over and over every day then do be it.  Honestly it is all I can think that could help this blockage, and it is a blockage.  And I can tell you this- if I were to wash my hands of it, turn to other stuff like... even writing a novel or making jewelry or work or mothering my son but did NOT do something to "feel" Joron's love then we will not reunite.  There is something about me concentrating on feeling him again with total love and appreciation... TRUTH, that is the key here.

And resisting it won't help.  This is why back months ago, like in January/February when I was fearing I was told to make jewelry but to listen to good music and look at his pictures, talk to him in my head and "feel" him again.  For real.  The real him.  LOL- my HS told me, "Just do it Rose!  This once just listen to me.  Don't drink.  Just do as I tell you.  Talk to him in your heart."  So I did.  I opened up this amazingly adorable photo of him that I took on our perfect date in the city.  He was leaning back near the river {not too near because he is afraid of heights, my cute little twin} with this sweet smile on his face.  It is a great memory of one of the most perfect nights of my life.  I looked at that picture, listened to music that reminded me of him, and I was told to send him a quick email.  I did and he responded so openly, said he wished he was with me, sitting on my couch talking and kissing.  Listen- it was total telepathy, soul communication.  I listened to my HS and then he reached out to me, inspired by his soul.  This entire union is controlled by HS.  Sometimes if I "get it right" then he was allowed to show me his love again.  And what a strong adorable love it is.

I love those times during our separation when I managed to get the energy right.  He'd pop through with this insatiable desire to connect with me.  I dream about the day when I finally get it right and he turns back on entirely.  When we are ready to begin reunion; I know that day will happen.  Despite my fears I feel it in my veins, in my very breath.  That man, in my heart, is my one and only.  The only way there is another man out there for me is if there is an energy inside Joron that will jump from him to another man who is utter perfection for me.  I find that hard to believe and I don't even like to talk about it, but reality is I do NOT totally know what my future holds, and if by some slim chance there is some other gem out there meant for me then I do not want to block that with my stubborn love and appreciation for my twin soul.  Jenna Forrest says we are to love these people as if they are, for sure, the one and only twin soul.  My destiny. If for some reason he turns out to NOT be that one then loving him like I do, totally unconditionally, will lead the right one to me.  I am not worried about that at all though.  I know love will be in my life.  It is right now although I can't see it or touch it.  I can feel it, and I remember it.

His love has truly helped to heal me.  I am a changed woman for knowing Joron.  Last night I was tempted to drink but I dumped it instead of turning to a vice.  I don't want to be that person any longer. I am beyond that.  My energy is worth more.  Same with accepting a lesser love.  Not going to happen.

One day he will come back through.  I will find a way to shift this, to totally believe in love.  I am so loveable.  If I was a man I would want to date me!  I'd love to date me.

I did date me, lol.  I dated Joron, and he is just like me.  Dating him was really like dating myself. It was the strangest experience yet wonderful.  He loves like I do.  And if I was told by Spirit to say something totally cruel and unloving to him in order to wake him up then I would do it.  Sadly since I am a conscious channel and he is an unconscious one.  I know when I am sending him words from above.  He does not know.  So weird but true.  If I had to, though, I would- and I'd hope he would forgive me.  And he has in the past.

I just have to ascend past the fear.  That is all.  This means believing Joron's words when he has written "I love you my future."

My future.

He wrote that as recently as August.  I have to believe.  When I do not then I am like George McFly turning away from his love when he finds her in the car with Biff on prom night.  Expecting Marty McFly George turns away from his Destiny and things began to fade and become lost... his whole future fading away.  It is not until he turns back and saves his love that his future returns.

I refuse to turn from my future.  I will see my Destiny fulfilled.  

Awakening Part One

I have to laugh- that second picture with the tornado looks exactly like one I took myself years back before my ass ended up in a ditch on the side of the road with a twister going over my head!  I snapped a few photos as it was getting closer- we were not sure if it was a tornado or not because it did not look like a typical cone-shaped tornado.  Turns out it was but it looked more like a wall of dusty cloud.  A very very windy powerful dusty cloud!  I've explained this story before.  It was part of my awakening.  My HS was trying to draw attention to my powerful manifestation energy.  The day before on the same exact highway I'd told my friend, "Oh don't worry.  We'll never be in a tornado."  And the next day we were smack dab in the middle of a tornado the very next day.  Both of us thought that was INSANE.  I'd learned from "The Secret" that The Universe does not hear the negative.  Only the main statement.  So if you think "I am not sick" instead of thinking "I am healthy" then The Universe will still grant you the "sick."  It only hears "I am sick."  So when I said, "We will never be in a tornado" I should have said, "We will only have good weather!"  I swear I attracted that tornado!

My entire Awakening has been tornadic!  Nothing very peaceful about my waking up process.  At the end of the day though I am more aware, patient, kind, loving and sober than I was when I started so the process works.  It's just harder than Hell some days {or weeks, months or years!} I think I started about ten years ago and it was very very slow-going.  Began end of 2004 by meeting some new friends.  One is a published author and I was in awe of her!  Authors are my rock stars.  I had "hero worship" for a while of her, lol.  Now she is not only my spiritual mentor but a dear friend of mine.  I would not be where I am if it were not for her.  "M" introduced me to using a pendulum and verrryyyy slowly I began testing whether or not it worked.  I have always been SO skeptical of all of this... spirituality business ;)  My twin soul is the Atheist out of the two of us but honestly I could have been an Atheist too, very easily, except that I've always believed God existed in some way.

Me entire life I've been enamored with the paranormal.  Ever since I was a child I LOVED anything spooky or "out of this world."  Obsession with aliens, and I've dreamed about aliens my entire life too.  I was a big reader, always have been, and I'd read anything haunted or monsters or spooky or supernatural.  And I wrote short stories concerning the same.  Then "The X-Files" came out in the 90's and I was totally in love!  Oh GOD how I loved Special Agents Scully & Mulder, FBI.  The show completely resonated with me and I didn't miss an episode.  Huge huge fan here.  The messages in the show spoke to me, and now I understand why.  I was meant for the paranormal. always felt attune with "the other side of the veil" and watching "The X-Files" brought it out in me.  I even wrote my MA thesis on "The X-Files."  And, being the "lucky" {blessed} dork I am... one of the books I used in my MA thesis was written by William Gibson.  "Pattern Recognition" is the name of the book.  Gibson also wrote two episodes of "The X-Files."  He was doing a book reading of "Pattern Recognition" and I met him.  I also asked him a question about working with Chris Carter on the show, and he gave me an awesome first-person "from the mouth of the author" quote for my thesis! He signed my book "Good luck on your MA thesis!" and he told me he was impressed with my ideas.  *swooning*  I was only the second student in nine years in my department to choose the thesis option for graduation so it was a big deal to me ;)  But do you see how blessed I am when it comes to the things I love?  The more energy I would place towards something, the more blessed it would be.

This happened four other times I can think of off the top of my head, big stuff.  I wanted to see the northern lights SO bad.  I'd DREAM about them.  Went north one year, up by Canada in Minnesota. We were treated with the BEST northern lights display of a lifetime; even the locals had never seen anything like it.  The corona was present overhead and the lights lasted for five hours, entire night sky illuminated with dancing lights as far as the eye could see.

A miracle, really.  And I always always felt like... it was for me.  I wished and wished to see them and BAM there they were.  I was the only one standing outside at 10PM looking up and the sky overhead when there was an explosion of light and the whole sky lit up.  I ran to the cabin to wake my parents and we had everyone outside, mouths gaping wide, watching what felt like God's eternal lightwork show.  Good times.  Good times.

And I have always been a huge fan of Pirates of the Caribbean.  I love me some Captain Jack Sparrow, like hugely.  First novel I attempted to write is a romantic pirate adventure about soul mates and destiny; it is called "Destiny's Revenge."  One day I will readdress it!  A few years ago Johnny Depp was filming near where I live.  My friend asked me to go check out the set... and wouldn't you know it- two hours later I was looking up at Johnny Depp whose hand was outreached to grab mine but I was too in shock to do anything but stare at him, lol.  I said in my utter wit and shimmering intelligence, "I love you Captain Jack!"

True story.

Same thing with the 80s music group a-ha.  I loved them since I was 15.  Favorite. Group. Ever.  But they are from Norway and I never thought I'd see them live.  They planned their retirement tour and were not coming to my city.  With a new baby I was not able to travel so I sadly acquiesed to the fact that I'd never see them.  Until they added a show in my city and I got tickets.

And I ended up in front of the stage so close I could see the whites of their beautiful Norwegian eyes. Morten Harket's sweat got on me.  I could see his vocal cords vibrate as he hit the final high note in "Take on Me."  Best. Night. Ever.  And I swear it is because I am blessed.  Absolutely blessed.

I think it is because I have had a rough existence and when I love something in my own unique "pedal to the metal," no-hold-barred, all in, do not pass go, do not collect one hundred dollars, 110% way- I attract to me the things I love.  Like meeting Johnny Depp and shaking his hand.  And experiencing him take off his hat, tip his head and coo to a little girl who did not recognize him as the infamous Captain Jack, "'Ello Love" with his customary mischievous piratical adorable grin.  Her little eyes lit up like diamonds in recognition and my heart melted.  Johnny also slipped his hat off and bowed his head to a man who was waiting to meet him.  The man said, "Thank you for coming to our town Johnny."  Johnny said, "The pleasure is mine sir."  Good man.  Great memories.

But do you see where I am going with this?  I don't have an "average" life.  A blessed life, yes.  Also a troubled life with much childhood abuse that I won't detail here.  Love has always been an issue for me.  Not really security or having a roof over my head or a meal on my table.  But love.  I do believe I am an "Angelic" being meaning that whatever is inside of me is a very very strong LOVE energy.  I am LOVE through and through.  I love hard, always have.  Always will.  I am exceedingly passionate about whatever it is that catches my interest.  I get crushes easily and on the strangest people, lol.  I always loved the underdog.  I was always able to fall in love with something about a person.  I am also very forgiving, and there is no one in my life I resent.  Even my PITA boss, lol.  I think this ability to love the less-desirable is what lead me to marry the men that I did.  I would say "unfortunately" but see my first husband lead me to my second husband who fathered my sweet loving child.  Had I not met the first man and married him then I would not have my son.

And life just would not be the same without my son.  God has a plan, lol.  So it was worth it.  I learned... especially from my son's dad.  Progressively from each man I learned my worth and what I would no longer deal with, love or not.  I grew and changed.  I made choices that some did not agree with but I stand behind them.  I was unfaithful and it is not something I am apologetic about.  Along the way though I had a ton of healing to do.  A TON.  Due to my childhood I had huge self-worth issues.  I basically was a very loving person but I hated myself and I did have anger issues I had to work through.

So back in 2004 I met my mentor and began trying the pendulum.  It scared me though.  The idea of the spirit world made me nervous.  And I never ever believed I'd ever have contact with Spirit.  Me?  Little lowly me?  Never!  So when the pendulum began working I doubted.  And doubted.  Or I'd get nervous.  I'd walk away for months at a time.  Sometimes years.  And when my son was conceived my then husband asked me to not use it while I was pregnant.  My ex is a huge skeptic but we'd have strange things happen in the house.  One day we were arguing and the basement door slammed out of nowhere,  Lights would flicker often, and light up stuff in the house would come on by itself.  Strange knocking noises.  Little things.

I went to a spiritual weekend about seven years ago and attended a seance.  I audio taped it on a voice recorder and then lost my SHIT when I played it back and found undeniable "tapping" noises recorded.  Like something was tapping right on my recorder.  It sounded like morse code.  Strangest thing ever, and it both fascinated me and freaked me out.

I started getting messages spelled out to me before my son was born but it was slow going and I DOUBTED my ass off.  I kept worrying it was coming from my own thoughts.  Even when I was told what to ask for as a starting salary at my new job and told what I would receive, and it was right. Even when I was told stuff I could not possibly know. Back then I was just goofing around though.  I was careful but I was more excited that it was working... yet I listened to very little I was told.

Then my son was born and I had a lonely first year with him.  I met the man I fell in love with, the affair I had, and I turned back to the pendulum and suddenly it worked perfectly.

And that was the beginning of it all for me.  I began to awaken then, hard core.  I entered into my first "Dark Night of The Soul" and it was inspired by my strong love {and fear} concerning the man I met. My Dark Nights ALL come from love and heartache.  Fear of being rejected or forgotten.  Loving this man, feeling vulnerable and my heart broken open for the first time in years, sent me spiraling into self-doubt and brought all my self-loathing {that I kept hidden and buried} bursting to the surface.  I stepped outside one day August 2011 and I said, "God please change my life by the time I am 40.  I can't do this forever."  Not long after that I stupidly had a mini-fling with a man near where I work.  Simply I started falling apart.  Losing it.  I met him, luckily did not have sex with him, but he basically just used me.  And I let him.  It was short-lived and I was SO numb that I did not care.

That ended quickly {was meant to} and I asked God to please just bring me a nice sweet gentle country man who would treat me lovingly.  I did not care that I was married.  I needed love or else I was going to do something drastic, and I think God knew that.  About a week later I began talking to a man.  Was it "right" according to moral standards?  No.  But we were ready for each other.  He is a strong soul mate to me.  He is a big gentle country man and after weeks of talking we met and OMG I fell SO hard in love.  So so so hard in love with him.  It lead to the demise of my marriage as well as blowing open to my guidance.  And I fell into my first Dark Night of The Soul.

He lived far away, about 600 miles of corn fields away.  So it's not like I had some sordid affair where I was knocking boots with some country dude every few days.  No.  I saw him a handful of times.  The rest of the time was mixed with emailing.  A few phone calls.  I loved him so much.  I always will hold a soft spot in my heart for him.  But I was cheating, something I never considered I would do.  I always thought cheaters were the worst and here I was doing it myself.  Hypocrite. Whore.  But I loved him so much!  So much that my heartache got me caught immediately.  Right after I met him my "spirit guide" Hope came through perfectly.  All I was told was that I was a glowing ball of love.  That I had a strong soul.  That I was LIGHT.  And love.  And I was told that God loved me... and I fought it.  I was terrified.  Here I was a CHEATER but I was being told God loved me.

I immediately lost twenty pounds.  I could not think, eat or sleep.  I could only mother my child.  I faltered at work, lost in a total fog day in and day out.  I could not THINK.  There was literally a weight on my brain.  Fog all the time.  A dizziness.  I could not think straight.  And the fear, omg the fear!  I was terrified God hated me.  I was terrified I'd get caught.  I was most terrified that this man did not love me!  He adored me, and it scared him because he was married too.  He did not expect me- this bouncy, cute, lively, intelligent, loving, gentle... heart walking around in a human body.

I had a vision of us once.  I rarely have true psychic visions but I did this time.  I saw us together.  I was walking into his hotel room and he was greeting me all nervous, not knowing what to do, where to put his hands, leaning in to hug me all shyly like he'd do.  It was like I was at the ceiling looking down on us... and I was beautiful.  So was he.  We were these two... humans.  Loving.  Awkward. Innocent in our desire to be loved, in the love we found in each other.  It did not feel like a dream.  I SAW us.  I saw myself in a way I've never forgotten.

I saw ME.  Smiling and shining and bright.  Beautiful and sweet.  SO happy.  So happy to see him.  I loved him to the bottom of my heart.  I'd have these huge highs with him then I would crash.  And when he was not in contact with me I'd plunge down into fear.  I would convince myself that he did not love me.  That he was only using me.  That no one could love me.  He was faking it.  He would forget me the moment I was out of sight.  I would make myself feel like a laughing stock.  I'd be terrified, utterly low.  Like nightmarishly low.  My friend feared for me.  I felt like killing myself.  I never felt like I HAD to be with this man; I knew he was not meant to leave his wife and children for me.  He was meant as a season, not a lifetime.  My suffering came from my worry that he DID NOT LOVE ME.

I got a reading done back then asking about my husband and this man.  I found the reading not long ago and cried when I read it.  I told the psychic that I was not wanting to know if he'd leave his wife for me.  That was not my concern.  My concern was "Does he truly love me?  Do I mean anything to him?'  It was a pathological fear.  HUGE.  Daunting.  Overwhelming.  It consumed me... this fear that I was "out of sight out of mind."

And it is a fear I am still fighting now with my twin soul.  Three soul mates later and a twin soul and it's still my issue.  Do you know how annoying that is?  I am sweet and cute.  People love me easily; I am loveable.  Unique.  Pretty.  Intelligent.  Easy to talk to.  Friendly.  Loving.  Kind.  Quirky.  All of my soul mates fell hard for me and lost their own minds in realizing they could not be with me forever.  I had to work through my shit with them but I was not meant to be with any of them permanently.

This may sound bad to some of you but it was my path.  I was self-destructing in a way.  My Kundalini was all over the place.  OMG that burning in my lower chakras!  I felt like a cat in heat half the time- and I think without being so committed and in love with my soul mates I would have done much more damage to myself with random strangers.  It was a mixture of wanting to hurt myself, self-loathing, fear that I was unloveable... I'd turn to strangers for distraction and it never ended well.  Only being so hard in love {a few times} kept me away from most of what would have been disastrous flings.  All I can say is it has been one rude awakening.  My guidance said in that reading I received back then that "This one does not value herself like we do, not even her life."  And it was true.  I think I put myself in some precarious positions just tempting fate.

At a certain point despite being a bright shining light- I think I wanted to die.  I felt so alone, so lacking love, so unloveable that I could not tolerate it.  And I think this is why God brought my soul mates to me.

Soul mate #1 and I began to drift apart within a few months.  He had to pull back.  I got caught cheating.  He had tons of BIG changes in his career, just huge.  A big life move, big career take over. I poured my heart out to him one day and it shifted the energy for me.  I felt more free, less under his spell.  I still loved him but it no longer made me sick.

I sat in church and prayed to God to keep me sane and faithful.  I already had the urge to find someone else.  It was this... compulsion.  I prayed.  I fought.  I seriously remember sitting in church PRAYING and crying telling God "I will stay in a loveless marriage just to keep it together for my son.  Please keep me faithful.  I don't need love."

God had other plans.  I was not meant to stay in my marriage.  I was constantly asked why I stayed. Two different psychics read him perfectly and told me it would never work out between us.  One told me he manipulated me and I ignored it.  Another told me his energy was totally complacent and did not match with me at all.  All very true, truer than you realize.  And my guidance would gently tell me that it would all be okay.  That he'd be happier in the end without me.  But I clung to this idea of "forever" and making it work.  I tried to take the love I felt for my soul mate and apply it to my husband.  And it felt fake and foreign and not at all good.  I was suffering inside so badly, and under his hawkish watch once I got caught.  He'd sneak around in the dark trying to catch me texting or emailing or talking with my best friend and mentor.  He'd hide in the bushes outside and watch me in the house... so suddenly this man who had showed NO interest in me for years was up in my shit every minute of every day.  He'd pop into my office at work unannounced and walk behind me to see what I was doing, or if I was on the phone.  He hated my mentor BFF because she did not like him and was guiding me away from him, and he knew it because he cracked the code on my cell phone and read all of our text messages.  He told me I should be ashamed as a mother and what would our child think when he was older?

It was honestly a very Hellish existence while trying to be a good mom and full-time employee, AND I'd just earned a large promotion with more responsibility- and I was floundering.  I felt more alone and dark than I ever had before.  Hopeless.  Dark, like there was no end in sight.  I missed my soul mate too even though it had shifted more to being friends and confidants than lovers, thank God.  I no longer wanted to throw myself off the nearest bridge when I thought of him- but I was SO lonely. Heartbroken, and my husband was on me like white on rice.  I tried taking him out for dinner for his birthday but he called me a whore while we were out.  He was rightfully angry.  But I asked him after he began "changing."  He would be so... fake amorous.  It was so not him, and it felt creepy to me. I asked him where it was coming from after all those years and he said, "I always knew what you needed from me but I never gave it to you."

And then... enter stage left soul mate #2.

To be continued.        

Sometimes We All Need A Hand...

Right as I am sitting to write this Sara Barellis's "Brave" began playing on Pandora.  It's a song about feeling free to express yourself.  Words being used to break out of an emotional prison.  I know my blog is anonymous; I have one "real life" friend who reads my blog.  She is one of my very besties, and I love her.  If she reads this she'll know who she is- one of my angels.  Even though my blog is anonymous it still shares what I need to share.

I started this last night but didn't finish it.  Now it is morning.  I am here with my cup o' joe and a very quiet house since my son is with his father.  Last night was a hard one.  Very.  I am finding it increasingly difficult to balance this twin soul experience.  I am not saying I WANT this {at all} but when a person leaves your life and you know it, a period of grief can settle in while you work on healing and getting over it.  Maybe the person died.  Or maybe it is a heart issue, a break up.  But when there is a definitive end then a person can turn to packing those memories away and moving on. Sometimes this involves being alone for a while,.. then allowing love in again.  This is not the case in a twin soul experience.  Especially not mine. There is no ending.  Joron moved away with the intention of having a LDR with me.  Even his leaving felt surreal.  Who falls in love and then one day just hops on a plane without a face-to-face discussion?  Who shares the info via email and in the message says things like, "I can't wait to be around California people again" and "I feel like Joron unchained" and "It's been great knowing you Rose!"  All mixed in with "Can you and your son come visit me for a couple weeks?" and "I've been crying all morning."  It's been weird from the beginning. My doubt mixed with truth {love.}  He'd show me his love but it would be peppered with nonchalance or callousness which is a reflection of my doubts- that huge doubt of "I don't really mean enough to him to be an important facet in his life."

It truly is a debilitating doubt.  It is killing me and I will probably be writing a lot about it here for a while as I get past it because something is going on inside of me, and it hurts.  Badly.

And then three weeks later he disappeared.  After talking to me for hours and asking me to come look at houses with him.  He told me where he lived was a great place to raise a child *hint hint* he said. That photo he sent me {must have used his self-timer} holding up a sign that read "I LOVE you Rose" with his cute adorable little smile and glimmering eyes.  TRUTH.  Do you hear me doubt? That was truth.

I almost drank last night.  Well I did, a few sips.  My son was waiting for his dad to come get him and I went to the basement to see if there was any liquor left behind the bar.  I found like one good shot's worth of a coffee liqueur.  I figured I'd make myself a drink after my son left.  Well he peeked downstairs, saw me by the bar and asked, "Mommy why do we have a bar?"  UGH- it was one of those moments where I felt Spirit nudging me through my son.  He just HAD to comment about the bar.  I snipped at him, "Get back upstairs and eat your sandwich like I told you to!"  I was upset that he saw me, that Spirit knew.

I did make the drink.  I sobbed.  I seriously miss Joron.  I am not even going to feel bad or broken or unhealed or whatever about that; he came into my life, fell in love with me, shared love with me, made love with me, and then BAM suddenly was GONE.  FUCKING GONE.  It would nearly kill anyone and I am so tired of feeling weak and pathetic because I miss the man I fell in love with. How am I supposed to just stop?  It's not possible.  Especially not when he's always been out there this entire last year.  Haunting me.  I took a few sips of the drink and forced myself to dump the rest in the toilet.  And just the couple sips made me loopy and spinny and even more morose than if I had not taken them.  I am SO not supposed to drink.  Thankfully though I did dump it.  I reminded myself of the night back in June when I freaked out inside and got hit with my mirror good and hard.

Is turning to a vice for momentary escape worth it?  No.  Not when I know it fucks with my energy hardcore.  I just hate being alone now.  I'm so tired of being alone.  I was alone in my marriages.  I loved men I could not be with so the time with them was fleeting, my choice I know but it is fact. And all I dreamed about each time I let one of them go was when I would be able to be with someone for REAL.  A real relationship with someone who loved me as much as I loved him.  Who I could snuggle up to in the morning without being brushed away.  Someone who actually slept in bed with me and not on the couch.  Someone who could spend the entire night with me.  This is why I told God "I am done.  The next man will be free and able and will love with me or I refuse.  No more.  No more pain or what I can't have."  Then I met Joron and once we made love for the first time he laughed and told me "If I'm going to be staying over then you'll need to get me a pillow."

So I did.  I sleep with it every night.  He never did stay over but his head was on that pillow.

I am so sad.  My heart is aching, and because it is aching I feel lost and forlorn.  I know I am supposed to be "joyful" but come on- really?  Joyful?  This should NOT be happening!  We loved each other.  I am upset.  I am a GOOD person.  Being loved by me is a gift.

If you were to go back through our emails you'd think we are crazy.  Moments of warmth and reconnection with all of my messages being loving but normally so, not crazed or delusional or pushy, etc.  Just loving.  Sweet.  He'd even tell me how sweet I am, etc.  How he loved my love.  Told me I reminded him of that character "Strawberry Fields" because I am soft and kind and gentle and loving, and YES that is me.

But then out of nowhere his messages come through and they are... pure horny.  No sweetness.  All lustful and almost cruel in their lack of love.  And a total paradox.  "I want to come back and take a chance getting you pregnant.  Make love trying to make a baby and then in a month we will know our fate.  If you get pregnant then I'll stop this nonsense and be yours forever.  If not then let me go now." And also "A reminder- I'm just coming back to come inside you and try and get you pregnant.  No drama, no relationship talk.  No promises.  No bullshit this time."

And there NEVER was any bullshit.  I never say anything bad to him.  Why?  Why don't I "stand up" to the insanity?  *DEEP SIGH* Simply because I know I'm being fucked with from above so when I play into it then the energy gets worse and worse.  Believe me, oh believe me!!!  It takes SO much more patience, belief and self-control for me to respond with love {knowing he's being used as a channel} than it would be for to go the fuck off on it all.  I finally did tell him this last time "No deal. Forget it based on those terms.  I want the old Joron back; I don't believe you.  This is not you."

His response to me?  It was something like, "Fine then.  I had my credit card out and was going to book a flight for Monday.  You know once we seen each other it would be just like before.  Don't bother me anymore."

DON'T BOTHER ME ANYMORE.

Those words.  It was those words that cut me to the core, and they shouldn't!  It's so not him yet it still hurts- and that means there is something inside me that is still not believing, not feeling whole. And yes, God DAMN it all- I know that once we are in front of each other it's going to be just like before.  His love will be back.  He will be back "on" and he's going to be going all ape shit in love on me.  I KNOW this.  I know that he is only subdued and quiet and not himself at all in order to shove me through whatever is going on inside of me.  Once he told me in that deep intense way he can get, "I know once I am in front of you I'll just melt.  Once I see you I'll melt."  DUH- of course he will. This is why he is 2100 miles away and silent.  Because it is the only way to make this happen.

Part of me wants to torment him right now with pictures, videos, emails every day.  I have not shown him my red hair and I know he'd go gaga over it if things were "normal" between us.  But I know that's not the way to handle this situation, and if anything I'd be spitting in the face of Higher Self so I refrain from indulging my 3D urges too much.  I have emailed him quite a few times in this last six weeks.  I told him I got a new car.  Told him we were going to Disney World.  Sent him a link that reminded me of when he ate raw cookie dough and got sick.  Sent him a link to a song that reminded me of him.  Sent him a casual hello.  Poured my heart out to him telling him I know he loves me and we are meant to be together.  Told him I hope wherever he is and whatever he is doing I hope he's happy.

Told him to have a Happy Thanksgiving and that I hoped wherever he planned to be had ham since I know he hates turkey.  All loving, all kind.  Nothing insane or stalkerish or out of line.  This is a man who, while separated, wrote to me and told me "You are my obsession Rose."  I don't have to feel weird sharing my heart with him.

Another thing is ages ago he said we'd always be friends no matter what.  He was sincere although we'd already fallen in love so being "just friends" was never going to work.  But the sentiment was "I will always care about you."  If he truly was "friends" with me now, if this was a real life relationship that was going through this, he'd say SOMETHING.  But does he?

Nope. Nada.  It's a strange surreal silence.  The only time he's responded was right before Disney, mid-October.  I spent the day writing about this last year {instead of concentrating on the love like I am supposed to} but I also prayed for a sign that he is still there because back in August the last message I got from him {after I called and begged him not to ignore me, not to skip out on seeing me before going back to CA... reaffirming the "he's a douche just ignoring me and hurting me" thing} told me to let him go now.  That he could not be with me because of... my son's DAD.  Such a stupid reason.  Very impersonal, nothing to do with a flaw in me or my son or even the love between Joron and myself.  My son's dad.  Joron told me when we dated that he wanted to get me away from my son's dad, wanted me to move to CA with him; shit even through this strangeness he still says he wants us in CA with him.  He's not selfish or insensitive; he would not let my son's dad stand in the way of our future.  It was just another jab at me from above.  But it still scared me.  He also repeatedly said "I'm just an asshole.  You deserve better.  Let me go now.  Find someone better now.  I'm just an asshole."  That is also unlike him, and I am pretty darn sure it is a reflection of my fears.  I worry this IS the real him, this cold cruel INSANE mirror, and when I doubt him and think this could be true then I am "hit" with him showing me he is an asshole.  It's shoved right in my face.  And he is not an asshole.

This is a man who came over, saw all this books this Literature major and book-lover owns, and asked me, "Have you ever read "The Hitchhiker's Guide to The Galaxy?"  It it his favorite; we talked about the cosmos often.  I told him no and the next time he came over, maybe two days later, he brought me a beautiful leather-bound, gilded-edged anthology.  And chocolate.  It was before Halloween and he brought me a Fannie May chocolate bar.  He thought to walk to Borders on his lunch break and buy me the book, and chocolate.

That is not the sign of a thoughtless asshat.  That is the sign of a damn good loving kind selfless thoughtful caring friend and lover.

Do you see?  Any of you reading this... do you see how my Higher Self uses LIES to teach me? When I doubt I am then hit with all my fears.  They are given to me as truth.  So let's say I was afraid that... my job is on the line {I've had this fear before.}  My guidance would channel to me things like, "Ohhhh your boss is not happy with your last project.  You don't communicate well.  Everyone is annoyed with you."  ALL LIES but they would be my doubts so my HS would feed those doubts to me until I got so sick of it that I stood up for myself. I told myself I may not be perfect but I do a good job and people like me.  Then HS stopped stuffing those fears at me.  HS does the same thing to me but THROUGH Joron.  I think many twin souls go through this.  The one who fears the most is the one who gets shit channeled to them through their twin soul.  And if we respond to the lies and TRUTH then we reaffirm the lies and they get stronger and stronger and it becomes a vicious cycle.

That is why when people in the 3D, even other twin souls, scream "Stand up for yourself!  Tell him off!  Cut him out of your life!  Question him!  Ask him why he's doing this to you!" it's fruitless.  All that 3D nonsense will do NOTHING but make the task even harder.  You can question and you will either get NO response at all or else the response will just reaffirm your fears.

I once let some peeps push me to finally questioning Joron about his quiet.  I'd even been told by a psychic not to do it.  She said, "He's only going to lie because he doesn't even know why he does it." But I did not listen to Spirit.  I listened to PEOPLE.  And it backfired.  I asked him why he waits so long to contact me.  He got this tone in his voice like... he just didn't know and he said, exasperated kind of, "I... I guess I'm just selfish, that's why.  I'm selfish."

AND THAT IS UTTER BULLSHIT!  This is a man who has told me more than once that he LOVES being in a committed relationship; he longs to be married.  He thinks having someone to share life experiences with EVERY DAY is the bomb.  He's told me over and over, "If you were my wife I'd have to make love with you every night, sleep next to you every night.  I want to wake to your face every morning."  He's said, "I like having someone to share life experiences with."  He LIKES having that close connection, a love in his life.  So staying quiet like he does {and it even feels forced in his messages} is not coming from him.  It's not like he's sooooo busy that I become a non-priority...

But ahhhhh that's my fear, see?  That I am not a priority.  So I worried about that- that I am not a priority to him.  My ex-husband used to go out drinking all the time.  Or bowling.  Or golfing.  He would never be able to go out with me on my birthday because he had a golf outing every year on my birthday.  One year it was rained out and instead of coming home and being with me, maybe thinking about taking his wife out, he got super drunk and fell while screwing around foot racing with a bunch of his buddies.  That was my ex-husband.  Drinking, bowling, golfing, always with the guys and never choosing to be with me.  So one night this last June during this twin soul separation I am worrying that Joron is quiet because I am not a priority to him and what did he email me?  I emailed him and said "I miss you!"  He emailed back and wrote, "I miss you too.  I need new friends here in CA though.  The ones I have now are turning in to the same kind I had back in Indiana.  All we do is drink and golf.  Call me if you want."

FUCK ME.  Just fuckkkkkkk me.

I HATE the fucking mirror.  I HATE IT.  HATE IT.  Do you see?  He POKED me directly with that fear of "I have not contacted you because I've been too busy drinking and golfing with my FRIENDS so I could not contact you."  Just like my ex, and Joron is NOTHING like my ex-husband.  Joron told me that the place he wanted to be most was home with his love, not out with his friends.  He has friends, and even when we dated he spent time with them but he always made time for me.  Or he'd text me while with them, "I wish I'd stayed home and spent time with my love.  I miss you.  Can I call you when I get home?"  Or the time he had his guy party at night but asked to take me and my son out during the day... his idea.  Not mine.

But when I forget those things, when I just default myself back to being a non-priority, when I FEAR that he just left me because he didn't care enough to choose me... then he mirrors those fears right back to me.

And I am having a rough patch getting past it right now.  I'm sad, lonely, and I'm horny.  I don't like extended celibacy; it's not fair.  I'm 41 years-old and my husband did NOT want me sexually so we rarely were intimate.  I had to beg him for sex.  I deserve to be in a solid committed relationship with a man I love, one who loves me, where I can make love with him unrelentingly.  God brought me this man who is JUST like me {even down to the wanting sex every day} who shows me intense attraction and love... and somehow I block him from me.

Honestly if I did not have my son I'd throw myself under a truck or off a bridge because this is the most frustrating experience of my life, and I don't like it.

What do I do?  Hm?  HS has been telling me for months to write "truth."  Kisses,  Mother the love.  I act like... I don't understand.  But do I not understand what I am supposed to be doing with my energy?  Am I being told to write what I know about him and us, for sure?  That he loves me entirely even if I tend to ignore it?  I'm just so tired of it all.  The silence sucks, totally.  I could not get him to respond to me if I told him my ass was on fire.  It's like he's just GONE.  Useless to reach out via 3D.  I may WANT to hear from him via email or a phone call or just a simple TEXT message- but I am not going to get that.  Ha!  Of course not.  It's how HS breaks us. By taking from us that easy out, that affirming communication we all so desperately desire.

Not. Going. To. Happen.

And oh yes it still pisses me off at times.  *sigh*  Because I want him back in my arms so badly.  My gift.  I miss my gift.  Life just will never be the same without him.  Call me what you will but when two people love so hard and are then whisked apart for NO REAL 3D REASON, no big fights, no name calling, no throwing shit at each other... when the love is still obviously there... but it's some big huge spiritual lesson- it is much harder to let go than when there is a "real" reason.

I don't think I am meant to let go of him; I am meant to let go of all the fear and doubt and old way of thinking about life.  I am meant to go inner and talk to him there.  Write to him in my heart. not via email.

Honestly I am SO tired of feeling like this guy just chose to up and leave me in the middle of a strong love affair, like I really am that easy to walk away from.  Like my love {ME} is not a gem to be cherished too.  Being loved by me is a wonderful thing, just ask my son.  My son is SO utterly joyful, happy, well-adjusted, loving and caring.  Why?  Because *I* have mothered him and loved him.  ME.  That is all me.  MY love is grand.  I'm a snuggly one but I still know how to offer space and independence.  Joron knew this.  Joron is a snuggler too.  It is why he fell head over heels in love with me to where he could not stand to be away from me.  So for me to sit here feeling like he could think so little of me to honestly disrespect me... is preposterous.  It's probably doing a disservice to him to even think for a moment that any of that crap is really him.

This is why he recently wrote me insanity then immediately wrote again and said, "But that's not really me.  I'll still be the Joron you knew.  I'll treat you like the princess you are and make love to you like it was our wedding night."

Higher Self kicks my ass with my own energy.  If anything- learn from my experience.  This IS all happening to me.  It is not my imagination.  It's not just some guy abusing me and I'm taking it.  Believe me- if I really felt that way I'd tell him to go fuck himself in a heartbeat whether I love him or not.  I am so not scared of losing Joron and I like defending myself!  I am more nervous of not listening to my Higher Self because I know I am at a place in my progress where it is expected that I grow.  And lashing out at Joron for reflecting things to me that I need to see would not be right, spiritually.  It might feel good for a moment, 3D satisfying to let EGO rule me for a moment, but I won't do that.

I know he loves me.  I know I am worthy of that love.  My love is wonderful.  My son and I gave him a gift before he left.  We even bought a toy for his cute little doggy.  *I* am thoughtful too.  I am a great girlfriend, a woman that should be missed when moved away from.  A woman where the only thing that could keep that man from me is divine intervention, like that Jason Mraz song "I'm Yours" where he says "Nothing's gonna stop me but divine intervention."

That is Joron.  My love rocks to the point where the only way he can stay away from me is if he's kept away.  I know this.  I get kind of tired pontificating on how great HIS love is when you know what?  It is my right to be loved, and I AM love.  Good love.  I treated him well too, very well.  I loved him hard, made him dinner, hung out with him, kissed him endlessly, wrote him kind letters, bought him little gifts, spent quality time with him.  Invited him into my home.  Blessed him with MY precious time and MY body, heart, mind and soul.  When I kissed him I just simply adored him, touched his arms, cupped his face, nuzzled his nose, told him often that I loved him but even more- showed him.  Am I perfect?  No- but my past has a lot to do with my "issues."  Love worries me because I'm always afraid of when it's going to blow up in my face and hurt me like all the other love in my life has.  And so I carried this over to knowing Joron, and it blew up in my face too because... I guess I had to see past my fear.  He forces me to see through my fear by being the one who shows it to me.  Yippee.

But I'm sick and tired of sitting here fretting over whether or not this is all real.  Did he leave me, reject me, abandon me, or not?  No he didn't reject me, and if he did then it would be his loss for leaving the love of  a lifetime behind.  I am the love of a lifetime.  Me.  I am the one you want to take home to your mother and then marry, fast, because I love hard and will always look out for you.  I make great love. I am made TO love... to love others, and to be loved.  Some people out there may live a different existence where they are not the most nurturing people, love is not as important to them.  Well I am an Angelic.  I have only love-energy inside of me... and I am made to love.  Being without that love is not fun for me.  Without it feels like something is missing.  But I refuse to think I am someone that a man who was so entirely in love with me could just leave and then forget me.  It's stupid to even think that way.  Unreal.  And again- if that were the case then it would be his loss for letting me go.  Even my silly ex-husband has told me he knows he should have treated me better and wished he had.  But we are not suited for one another and it had to end.  I didn't want to be with him either; we are too different but still he knows he had it good with me.

But Joron and I?  I've never met someone I resonate with more than him, on all levels.  And yes that is a hard thing to watch drift away.  I'd like to somehow reunite with him.  I do love him.  But I refuse to worry that I am unworthy, like he's some kind of God and I am this pathetic thing at his feet needing his love.  I am not.  I just love him.  He is a normal, good man.  A little scientist.  My Geologist.  Super brilliant, funny, mirthful, kind, sexy and loving.  Yet he is still a man, like I am a woman.  But also a strong soul.  Yet we are the same, neither one better than the other.  I have to keep that in mind to retain balance.  If not then I feel like I am this beggar asking for love, and that is not true.  There is no begging for love here. I should not need to convince him to love me or sell myself to him, list my assets or "lure" him.  He already knows me.  He knows how loving and kind I am.  What a good mom I am.  The man wants a child.  He should be drooling at the idea of having ME raise his child.  I am open-minded, loving, nurturing, strong, peaceful and really fucking smart. He loves science and I love books, the arts.  We both adore the universe.  Together, when balanced, we are like a superpower duo in the best way.  We'd rock it.  But that is because I am worthy too. Not just him.

That shit he sends me is such craptacular lies.  I gotta figure out what it is I am doing to keep that shit coming my way.  I am so so tired of it all now.  I am ready to move on to a semblance of "normal" life with a quite peaceful little family with a mom, dad and kids.  Not singlemom-dom forever.  At this point I could care less about some combined "mission" that's all deeply spiritual and "saving the world."  I have my blog.  Read it.  Learn from it.  Believe it, and try to listen to your own Higher Self when it talks to you and shows you shit through your twin soul.  There is my contribution to humanity.  That and my love for my fellow human beings.  Beyond that I just want my dreams to come true now.  Love, marriage, family, another baby, joy without having to constantly TRY to be joyful.  I AM SO FUCKING TIRED OF TRYING TO BE JOYFUL.  Love of a lifetime *poofs* and disappears- sorry but I am not so joyful then.  I have joy but I also have sorrow and heartache.  That's what happens when a strong love just up and disappears.  Don't get me wrong.  I laugh and sing and cuddle and smile and talk to people.  Visit.  Go places.  But it is just not the same feeling as when that love is also there.  True story that.  And don't try and tell me I have to be "completely joyful on my own first."  I am strong, independent and doing it on my own.  I have my joy now, alone.  But I want it all.

I deserve it all.

I want Peace.