Arms

Hold You In My Arms

On my lunch hour today I {was bad and got a cheeseburger but only ate half of it!} sat in the park and wrote for a while.  I listened to music on Youtube while I wrote and I noticed this song came up in my list when I have not listened to this artist in a long time.  Normally I watch Scully & Mulder videos and some other stuff but nothing like this.  Sometimes I wonder if songs pop up for me as a sign, a reminder.

This song reminds me of something and it has my mind spinning.  *sigh*  I have pushed my twin away from me with my thinking for so long.  Here and there along the way I'd just manage to allow him to come through a bit but as my mirror I'd still have to see past the nonsense, nonsense I created with my own fears.

Well one night after not talking for a while I did hear from him and we emailed back and forth all night until I finally had to get to sleep, and I always hate saying bye or ending the conversation.  The chat started off... oddly and I had to kind of keep telling myself and God "Come on I know who he is.  I know this is me he is reflecting and I have to see past this" and the more I insisted on truth then the more he was able to be himself, the James I know.  Funny, friendly, loving, kind, gentle, honest.  My dear sweet friend.

And at the end of the email conversation he sent me this one line.  He wrote, and oh this makes my heart ache, "I wish you were here with me cuddled in my arms right now."

Cuddled in his arms.  Ugh, what was I thinking?  That ONE single sweet statement made with longing and ache and missing- feeling just like I did, like I do.  I KNOW that is his truth.  I know he is out there wishing I could be with him, there with him or here with me- us together cuddled up, close, warm and intimate.

That one sweetly honest heartfelt genuine statement- it is his truth, and I feel it is his truth right now.  I just feel so much like James loves me and wishes he could show me his love again.  Like he is holding it all back and he wants to show me his love again.  I think back to that one line and it makes my heart melt because I know he was able to, for a moment, be honest with me and show me that he really does love me and wants me with him.  

*sigh*  Then I heard another song in the car and I felt like I was being told that yes, he thinks I am soft and gentle and beautiful and he loves me very much, is in love with me.  The song reminds me of him a lot because it is 80s music, the kind he told me he used to listen to when we were younger.

I love James and miss him dearly.  I really do.  But I swear I know he loves me too.  I just know he does and I really wish we could be together again because together is where we belong.