"I can't help myself I fall in love with you."
And that is how I feel about James. I just fall in love with him over and over again when I have those moments of keeping my heart wide open and I remember vivdly just how beautiful it felt to be with him. The love we shared is very strong. I miss having him here in my life with me.
It is the holiday weekend here and holidays can hurt because each one that rolls by makes me wish James was sharing it with us. I wish he was going to my family party today; it is the side of my family he met. Good people who would love to see him back with me. My family and friends are aware that I love this man. No one argues with me. They know it is a moot point so they leave it alone. Yet they hate seeing me sad or lonely and I'm both. They don't understand yet they know how I feel so they leave it alone.
It sure would be amazing to actually being him with me again some day. Sit with him and laugh and spend the day together with my family. I wanted to meet his mother. I want to be part of his family. I'd be good to him and treat him how I know his mother would want him to be treated. I know how his mother wants him to be treated because I have a son of my own who I love with all my heart. When my own son is old enough to fall in love my prayer is that the woman love and adore him like I do James. With her whole heart. I love James already but if he was in my life I would be very good to him. I would treat him like every mother hopes a good woman will treat her son. I wish with all my heart I was able to love him like that, showering him with affection, being kind to him, wanting to make him happy, letting him know how special he is to me. I want to love him like that. And I know some of you would say I can do that right now. Love his soul. Send him love through spirit. And I do. All the time. But I need and want more. I miss feeling his arms around me.
When he was recently here it was so fast and unexpected but one thing I do remember is how beautiful it felt when he pulled me to him and held me on the couch. I was nervous and I wish I would have relaxed more and just realized that although it was a shock- he is my love and he wanted to be here so accept it and be at peace. I wasn't. Yet that moment when he tried... he pulled me to his chest and held me for a moment and THAT was heaven for me. Being in his arms. I wish that moment would have lasted longer. I wish it would happen again. I wish he could hold me all the time. I want to hug and kiss him forever.
I miss us being lovers. We make good love together. We do. It is real genuine lovemaking. I was nervous but he felt just the same to me as before. Like no time had passed. For that short time, making love together, I was simply his again. And it felt right. Making love with James feels perfectly right. Safe and hot and connected. He is a good sweet giving lover. And he is gentle even though highly enthusiastic. We are well matched and I really miss being close and intimate with him. I would love to adore him for hours and hours in all ways, especially naked in bed lol. I just really miss him and I can't hardly believe that two months ago he was here and I saw him and kissed him and made love with him. He made love to me because he misses me too and needed to see me and be close to me. I don't know why or how that happened. But it did and I could tell that no matter what- truth was he needed to see me too and I felt that in his energy and response to me. Through how he touched me and kissed me and made love to me. How he wanted me to feel good. And how he kissed me while making love to me. He is so sweet. I miss him immensely. I wish I could just being him back right now. I wish we were sharing life together. I wish he was here with me so I could hug him and kiss him whenever I wanted to. I wish we were sharing a bed together so I could make love with him every night. And then we could cuddle up for pillow talk before sleeping next to each other.
Sleeping without him hurts. He told me more than once that he wanted to sleep next to me forever. He wants to kiss me good morning and good night in person. OH MY GOD I miss him and I don't know what to do. It feels like I'm losing my mind. All I want is him. All I think about is him. My heart aches every single minute I'm awake. I long for his presence in my life.
He has amazing hands. I very specifically remember his hands. I dream of his gentle touch on my face. His hands holding my hands. I remember how he ran his thumb over the palm of my hand as he held my hand on our first date and the memory guts my heart. I'm crying now just thinking of it. How simple and easy and sweet and real and honest that was, to walk together innocently holding hands and connecting SO well and being so fucking happy.
I was so fucking happy!!!
He made me so very happy. I don't totally agree with that spiritual saying that we have to be happy alone and nothing external should be our source of happiness. That is not MY truth. It may be someone else's truth but it is not my truth. Listen I love myself well enough. I really do. But me loving myself has nothing to do with whether or not I'm happy alone. I do not get my happiness from being alone. I get my happiness from being with people I love or k owing they are in my life. I get my happiness from relationships and connection and from loving other people. Alone I'm not happy. This is why I'm fortunate to have my son. But I want James too. Meeting him and knowing him made me so very happy. Happiest time of my life. And I miss him. I miss his sweet bright presence. I miss talking about Atheism and science with him. I miss his stories and how he is a walking vault of information of the earth and the cosmos and science and religion. He is so intelligent and friendly and we could talk for hours and never run out of things to say or laugh about. Ours is a special connection and I miss it. I miss him terribly. I can't say it is a wonderful feeling. It is bittersweet. Remembering him makes me ache. He is so fucking cute. Just adorable. Bright blue eyes. Great smile. Beautiful face. Gorgeous body. I love everything about him and I long for him on every level.
I wish we could watch the fireworks together.
I wish we could make our own fireworks together! I want to be close with him so much that I ache. I miss his cutely adorable self. I want him with me.
I knew when he was here that he feels the same way even if at that moment he was unable to speak it out loud. But his eyes told me. And his response to me. How he was careful and gentle and not at all aggressive but still he needed me and he made that known in a way I was comfortable with. Yet he was gently insistent lol. And I look back and realize it was because he needed me as much as I did him and I know he still feels that way. Now. I know he misses me and aches for me like I do him and I have to ensure I stay diligent and careful.and aware because this is no joke. I miss him so much that I hurt. I need James back in my life where I can talk to him again and see him and share with him and kiss him and touch him and taste him and hold his hand and laugh with him and make our with him for hours. I want to cook for him. I want to make him happy. I want to be everything for each other.
I miss my friend dearky. He very quickly became my dear friend above all else and I miss my friend. I do want to make love with James but I'd be content just to have him with me. Just to be with him. I miss him. Just sitting with him hugging is all I need. Talking. Connected.
I guess it's a feeling you can only really understand if you are going through it. My heart yearns for this man I love. I miss him so much.
Well unfortunately I feel more sick today than I did yesterday so I'm gonna have to weigh whether or not to go to the clinic. I wouldn't but it is that painful feeling in my chest when I cough. And upper respiratory infection I'm sure. Ugh. A summer cold or something. No drinking though. I told my son I'm stopping drinking again. And I have nothing in the house so that helps. Last thing I need is hard liquor. I slept hard, was so so tired last night. I could have slept longer but at least I slept. We went on a bunch of rides last night (man festival season is expensive but I try to save up some beforehand) but I was not feeling so well. I'm going to make some coffee so the warm might help. We have a long weekend so I gotta feel good!!
All I have right now are my thoughts and memories. I don't feel like rehashing the past, none of the distance or separation. It does not feel good. I don't want more of it so I would rather not speak of it. I'm tired of discussing the rougher parts of this journey. Is rather think of the loving moments. They feel much better and more honest and real. James is huge love. I need him and his love back in my life. It is all I want. He is my dream come true and I ache to have him back with me. I do believe when you are a twin soul and you meet this person, fall in love and then all this begins to happen- there is no going back. I never felt this strongly for any other man besides James. All I can do is follow my heart.
Oh my dear love I can't help myself I fall in love with you.
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