Been thinking about the AA thing and I just don't think it is for me. It is no excuse, and I'm working on it, but if I was content and not missing this person every minute I'm awake then I would find it much much easier to not want to drink alcohol. If James was here and I had that companionship I crave and if I did not feel so alone then I would not crave a drink. I know if I consume alcohol in gonna get buzzed and buzzed takes the edge off my ache. But if I did not have to battle that ache every day then I would not be so tempted to drink. I can only hope and pray that one day I have James back in my life and the "missing" will be gone and it will be easier.
For now I have to do this on my own and I'm trying. But... knowing what I do about manifestation and dwelling on problems I do not really feel it is beneficial for me to sit around repeating "I'm an alcoholic" over and over again. It does not feel genuine to me. I am strong enough to control myself without needing to talk about my issues with a group of people who tell the same story over and over. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'll need that. I know it helps other people. It helped my parents. But I am making it on my own, with my son as my little buddy. I can go extended periods of time not drinking. I'm just not feeling the AA thing. I am going to have to be accountable for myself. With God's help and the assistance of whatever is out there guiding me of course. By this point I surely realize I'm not going it alone. I know my twin soul helps me too on some level.
There is some remorse and regret I'm facing right now. I'm realizing more and more how I have ran from James over and over again. And I feel badly about it although I'm thinking I need to maybe say I'm sorry. I see it. I'm trying to be as aware as possible and change it and then move forward. I never mean to hurt my twin soul or move away from him out of fear of hopelessness but sometimes I have. And when I do I then out more distance between us and it is becoming more obvious to me that I have done this for a long time now. And I would like to stop.
I tell God and higher self all the time that PLEASE I want a gentle touch now. Kindness. Caring. Warmth. There is a reason I crave this- because I have often received the opposite and while I know it is only "illusion" still a gentle soft touch really does feel so much better. But I think it is up to me what kind of response I receive in this. So I have to ensure I "create" or allow a soft gentle touch. I suppose believing that God, higher self and my twin soul all actually love me and want to treat me well would be a good place to start.
Feeling regret means I'm still focusing on stuff I should not be focused on so I need to shift to focusing on good thoughts instead. And I am. I just hope... James realizes how much I do love him no matter what I've thought or felt along the way.
It is startling to remember so clearly how perfectly sweet, protective, gentle, respectful and loving he was to me when he was here. Because I'm sad the somehow I took that bliss and changed it into 30+ months of silence and separation and mirroring. It hurts to know I did that. I would like to fix it. Turn it back to how it was, how it is meant to be. Only pure genuine love with no doubts or fears or skepticism.
I know I need to shake off regret and feeling badly while realizing things do happen for a reason and they hopefully make us more aware in the process. But I do love and miss James and knowing I've not allowed him to be near me, and realizing I've even turned away from him at points, bothers me now. But all I can do is try to move beyond all that. Which I'm working on.
I have not had any big major angry internal fits in a while though. That is a good thing! I get sad a lot and I cry. Sometimes I get frustrated and feel like I'm losing my mind. At times all I can do is cry and ask God if James could please just come back now and I do sometimes get irritated in real life because I ache so deeply but I don't let it get past sadness and that ache. Not anger. There is no reason for anger when I realize it is my own energy that has caused my suffering. And my twin soul can't be feeling amazing about all of this either. I know James loves me and misses me even if due to being my mirror he can't come out and tell me right now. But he was here and he needed me. And then he has been gone again. I know that kills him inside just as much as it does me. It does not feel good to crave another person and then finally see that person after longing for her and loving her from afar (while having to hide it) then we were able to spend a blessed but of time together and then gone again. It is just not a good feeling to ache for someone you love so much and I know he feels the same exact way if not worse since I know he knows I want him. Yet some things I do have kept him away.
I need to change that. I pray I still can. I'm pretty confident that the twin soul dynamic can always be shifted back to love and truth so that's what I'm working towards now. I really do adore James and think he is wonderful. I would like to know him again like I once did. I miss my friend and love so much and I know he misses me too. And my son. I know he wishes he could be with us. It is no fun being apart.
I hope whatever my dear sweet James is doing today he has a good time while knowing I really wish we were together. He is in my heart even if he is not here with me. I love him always.
Jennifer
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