I have to be one who reunites. I have to!! James and I love each other. We should be together. It is tragic to take two people who fell so hard in love and separate them for whatever reason. I feel it is my energy and thoughts and beliefs that did it and it is just not right because our love is strong. I have to figure this out. I know my higher self has a lot to do with it but the actions that take place here in the real world all come about due to my thoughts, intentions, words, etc. I suppose I am the one writing the script.
What gets frustrating is when I think I am doing okay and I'm praying for change and nothing happens. It is hard to be patient. I have never really wanted to be patient in this. And I get frustrated when I'm unsure. Like I get unsure about what I'm meant to be doing. Am I meant to simply write in my journal, watch my words, pray, love him from afar and wait for spirit/God/Higher Self/The Universe to do something? Am I not being patient enough because I still want to "make it happen" by reaching out to him in real life too?
I honestly spend a LOT of time and energy writing. Privately in my journal. It is my meditation and how I attempt to "manifest" and shift my energy. It took me a long time to realize that I should NEVER write out any anger or worry or doubt since what I wrote can and will actually come to be known in my life. If there comes a moment when I'm climbing the walls and I want to freak out then I try to ground myself and just turn to God even if I must cry and tell God I miss James so much that I hurt and don't know what to do or how to handle his absence. It aches to love someone so much and long to talk with him.
But still I'm never 100% sure how to be "on track." I get really nervous when I see that pretty much every single twin soul guide says we need to be joyful and high-energy in order to reunite. Joyful? It almost feels like too much to ask to expect me to be joyful right this moment. So that bothers me. I can love James with all my heart. I can stick with him 100% and stay faithful to my journey. I can know he is truly only the sweet loving kind man I met and fell in love with, and I do believe he loves me. But I don't think I can achieve joyful right now.
I wish there was a hand book. Not that I'm dismissing the guidance I received. I just did not understand it back then. And now what should I do? Follow the same guidance as two years ago? It was pretty simple: focus on truth and love.
I guess I just wish I could get this back on track quickly and we could be back together. I still do not know the purpose of why twin souls come together then split apart. Yeah for healing and all this and that but it has to be more. It is not just for healing. If it was then my Love would not have tried to pull me back to him recently when I was contemplating "Maybe moving on is what I'm supposed to do." Yes I do battle with the desire to drink but that does not mean I'm broken or in need of some deep healing. It means my brain is wired with a tendency for addiction just like most of my family and that is my challenge. But I'm aware of it. I'm aware of myself. I love myself and think I'm a good person.
So why am I still separated from my twin? And I'd bet my life he is fine, normal, healthy and all good. There is nothing wrong with James. He is strong and a good man.
It must be the manifestation process is all I can think. I have this thought- let's say back when I met him I was drinking and had issues from my past and was not fixed and perfect but I believed in him, trusted him, trusted in his love for me, was confident that he really would choose to stay with me... what if I had just accepted his love fully with no doubts at all- would he still have had to leave just to "heal" me?
I don't think so. I think I could have been all screwed up inside but had I trusted in his love and my ability to be loved then he would still be here now.
I dunno. I guess I'm going to have to shake off the regret I'm feeling and put my hope in "it can still change." The unknown sucks. I don't like it. I dreamed all night about my first boyfriend James but when I do I know it still reflects my twin soul. I am not sure why though. I'm not sure how to get back on track. I do not feel content or peaceful right now so I have to work where I am, always missing him. But I ask myself- am I supposed to give up the hope of seeing him again soon? Are we really meant to give up on that confident expectation? What is there to work for then?
I want to see James. I want to talk to him. I want him in my life forever like I had him before. Loving sweet kind and dear. I don't always know if I go about it the right way. Am I too pushy or demanding in my energy or with God? Not surrendered enough (whatever that means?) Am I too willfull? Not patient enough? Or am I right to be as tenacious and persistent as I am? It is who I am. I'm not one for being idle when I want something.
It is funny because I'm seeing this trait in my son too. Oh is he persistent. Not in a bad or rude way. Just if he has his mind set on something then it is set. He will either make what he has in mind or he will talk about it and plan it until it happens. He makes his point known and he is just like me in that regard. Does not back down often.
Yet I do not mean to be stubborn to a fault or overstepping or not listening either. Where is the balance? I'm not sure. I guess I can only do my best with the most loving intention and hope it is the right choice.
When there is silence it freaks me out. I admit I fight against it because I want it to change. I want to talk with my Love. I want good change. I keep in mind the things I know not to do while trying hard to focus only on love and what I would love more of: love, affection and connection with James here in my life.
I love James and I still want my dreams with him to come true. I'd give anything to hear our child call him daddy or to see him with my child or to be able to curl up snuggled next to him every night. I miss him so much. I really wish he was here with us.
Jen
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