My Love

Oh my word.  I am trying to avoid writing anything low-energy right now.  I miss James so much that it is making me pretty well insane.  And I know there is nothing much physically I can do about it.  Just deal with it and love him as much as I can.  I always have to remind myself that I put myself in this boat; I remember ages ago my guidance telling me I'd create my own "Hell on earth" if I didn't change my energy and what I was thinking and focusing on but I didn't understand and here I am, and it surely does not feel good. 

I guess my question is now, how long do I have to be here?  What do I have to do in order to experience, know, talk to, be with, enjoy, etc. the man I fell in love with?  I want to talk to the man I fell in love with!!!  I am a good loving person and all I want to do is share love with James, be with him, have a normal real-life relationship with him on earth.  That is what *I* want.  I want that.  I want a happy good life with a husband and family.  I want to be a mother and wife.  I am tired of spirituality and all of that.  I want a good happy loving life.  With James.  That is what I want.

I want to be and live and plant a garden and take walks and make dinner and go shopping and cuddle and travel, all together with James.  Simple things like cooking dinner together.  Or climbing into bed at night to talk quietly or make love and snuggle before going to sleep.  I've been alone for so long and it is wearing on me.  It is wearing on me.  I am sad.  I ache.  I feel tested and I want to cry.

I am tired.

I want to be married and have a family now.  I SO badly want to be happy.  And I miss James.  My heart actually hurts and I wish it didn't hurt.  I wish I did not hurt.  I wish this ache would go away.

I pray and wish and write and hope and dream but there is still this missing him, this ache.  And in the mean time the fucker is I have no interest or passion in anything much else because I feel a little bit depressed.  My son and I are going back to Disney in October and I think I am also going to plan a cruise for us in spring.  Really really wish James could come with us one day.  And I am trying very hard to not write anything terribly negative right now.  I do not feel positive at all.  I have an ache in my chest that I wish would fucking disappear now.  I plan trips for me and PJ because it is fun and it takes my mind off things and it gives me something to look forward to.  Life would be much easier if I did not have this ache inside me all the time.  Really it would be.  Life would be so much easier if James was part of my life again. 

I wish I had romantic love in my life.  I long for my companion, and yes I would love for that person to be James.  Next week my son is going to the same fun play land that James took us.  I have not been able to take my son back there since we were there with James.  I would DIE.  I would quite literally break the fuck down right in the middle of the play land to walk through feeding the baby alligators or mini golf knowing that he took us there but is not with me now. I told PJ that this morning- I will take PJ just about anywhere but that is one place we will not be going.  My heart would not be able to handle remembering James walking around with us, spending time with us, and me feeling like I might finally be HAPPY.  I thought for once in my life I was finally getting lucky, finally going to be happy, finally found the perfect fucking man- THE PERFECT MAN.  A sweet man who loves me and respected me and cared about my feelings.  A considerate man.  An empathetic and kind man who was good to both me and my son.  A man who took my responsibilities as a mother in stride and appreciated my role as mommy.  He made time for me working with the fact that I am a mother.  He never got irritated that I had to spend a lot of time at home so we did not get to "go out" a whole lot.  No, instead he loved coming over just to hang out and be close and kiss me.  He wanted to kiss me, loved kissing me, looked forward to kissing me.  I met the best man for me, the best man.  The man who feels like he was made for me.

And now he is not here, and I feel like I could literally die from the pain I feel, or else I feel like dying would be easier than living with this ache I feel day in and day out.  It is an ache and a bittersweet blue hurt that I have to hide pretty much all of the time although once in a while it will sneak through when I don't want it to.  I cry in my car a lot.  It is some of my only private time, leaving from dropping off my child in the morning and then I bawl.  Leaving work to go home and I can release all of my ache.  But then there are the more inconvenient times like bursting into tears at the fucking pool because I am so tired of being without him and wishing he was with us.  Seeing all of the families and couples and DADS breaks my heart.  I can't help it.  I want to be WITH him.  WITH him.  I am supposed to hold on to the hope of being with him, have faith, believe, manifest and think about what I WANT and I want to be WITH him, OMG- with him.

I am feeling down right now.  And I have so much I have to do this weekend so tomorrow I have to wake and have energy no matter how down I may feel.  My entire house {except for my kitchen because I gotta have a clean kitchen} is a mess and my yard looks like Hell and I AM OVERWHELMED.  I want and need help.  I need something to change for the better.  So I can easily feel happiness.  I want to be happy.  Easily happy which means- free from heartache. I CANNOT be happy and be filled with heartache at the same time.  It does not work like that!!!

I just wish I could be free from heartache and yet it's this vicious fucking circle because to be free from heartache I need to not miss James so much- but missing him never ends because I love him with all of my heart yet he is not here.  I wish he could be back with me so I no longer missed him.  I would not miss him if we were back together, and I wish we were.  I can't HELP how I feel, and right now I feel terribly blue, down, sad, and full of heartache because he is not here and I wish he was and I love him and miss him so much.

See, I know what things I do or think or repeat that bring me a lot of pain.  I'm working damn hard to avoid doing shit that I do not want reflected back to me.  But at the same time I wish I could experience the James I know and love.  The real James.  The man I met and fell in love with and dated and kissed and held hands with and walked with and made love with.  And laughed with.  And talked to and shared readily with.  The man I love and trust.  The man I miss with all of my heart.

I did not ask to be a twin soul.  I didn't.  I want the love of my life back with me, my sweetheart, my dear friend and my love.  My James.  I want my sweet boyfriend back with me, that is what I want.  YES yes yes yes- I want that romantic love, the riding off into the sunset together, dating and laughing and having a strong caring loving relationship together.  It is what I loved and want more of, with him only.

Kissing.  Lots and lots of sweet long dear intense loving kisses.  That is what I love and want more of.  And peace.  I want peace and happiness too.  I want the bliss and rapture my guidance told me about.  I am ready for it.  I felt that happiness when I was with James and I want it back.  That time with James was wonderful, the best time of my life.

I love him and miss him so much.

Jennifer

No One