Signs

Signs

Hello.  I don't really have much of an update.  Had a good weekend partially spent alone and partially spent with my son.  Yesterday we were at the pool for the afternoon after doing some chores in the morning.  We had to weed the front yard, and bless him he is such a good helper!

I have been trying to do a lot of writing too, personal writing in my journal.  I am trying to do what I think I am supposed to be doing.  I keep telling myself the only real "control" I have is energetic in nature so I'd better utilize that one "power" and for me the best way to stay focused is through writing.  So I write.  A lot.  Enough that most people would think I am pretty damn weird.  I've had strangers who see me ask, "Are you writing a book?"  Or are you a writer?  I tell them I am just writing my thoughts and ideas and yes I am a writer.  LOL- I should be able to say that yes I am a writer since I've written millions and millions of words, and I mean literally millions of words, since I've known James.  It is the only way I stay sane and somewhat focused.  I can only pray that it really does make a positive difference when I focus on the right energy.  When I focus on what I feel is truth.

So I've had some really interesting signs this weekend.  I know they must be signs, can't be coincidence.  Just can't be.   One of them was my son speaking to me things I have only been thinking or writing in my journal, my dreams and wishes, what I want most with James.  And then my son just says these heartfelt wishes to me, out of the blue.  I can only take that as some kind of sign, a sign to keep moving forward, to keep working with my energy in the hopes that one day I will get some real life good loving honest truthful contact from James.  I don't see why it would be anything else because I do not feel broken or like I need to heal or any of that.  I feel good about myself, mostly.  Yeah I wish I was totally sober, and I am not but... I am trying to drink as little as possible.  It makes me feel bad.  Like I don't want to do it yet at times I want to "fog" the edge a little yet I don't like how it tastes or all kinds of other things, and it does make me feel weak like I should be stronger.  A hypocrite to say "I'm not going to drink" and the I do.  I am not perfect and have never claimed to be and I will do the best I can in that regard but I will tell you that I do hurt.  I hurt really fucking bad.  I miss James so so much.  Not having him in my life, knowing what I had {my biggest dreams come true} and now no longer have makes me feel like I am going out of my mind.  I do love myself though.  I think I am a good person who deserves James' strong amazing wonderful gentle love.  I feel he is meant for me and all I can do is know that and move forward.  He is the only one I want as my future so I gotta be all in.  I can only hope that these things I see as "signs" are telling me "Keep going!"  I do love him so very much!  I miss him, and I am tired.  I don't have much motivation to do anything besides be the best mom I can be, do my writing and affirming, love James with all of my heart and things that I have to do like go to work, clean my house, etc.  I like to have fun because when you ache as much as I do you want to balance it by being as relaxed and calm and happy as possible so we do things we like to do like go swimming, go for walks, festivals, having a fire, etc.  I do the things I HAVE to simply to get them done!  We are going camping this weekend on my best friend's land, third year we have done it.  That should be fun, and I am really trying to drink as little as possible although I know me, and I know this sounds like such a shitty excuse but I ache so bad.  I know I'm not going to stay 100% sober so all I can say is I will try to stay away as much as I can.  Like right now I am trying to make it to where if I am going to drink it is just a bit, not way too much.  I wish I did not ache.  I wish I had better control over my feelings!  It is so bittersweet to love someone this much, to hold him so close in my heart but to not have him here in my arms.

I am doing the best I can.

I really wish James was going with us camping.  We'd have so much fun together.  I always wish he was with us in whatever we are doing.  I always miss him being with us.  It is very hard to know I had him, this perfect perfect loving man, and he could have stayed, wanted to stay.  It is hard to explain- but not having him here is very hard to take, hard to accept.  It just feels like we are meant to be together, and I know he wants to share life with us.  He just told me he loves me and wants to have a life with me and I am holding on to his words.  I know they are truth and I will do anything and everything I can think to do in order to support and defend the dreams we discussed.  He told me to accept that he loves me and wants a life with me, and I do accept it.  I believe him.  But I need him here with me.  As long as he is gone I ache.  I wish he was here. I wish I could kiss him forever.

*sigh*  I do love him so very much.

Jennifer