I saw the MOST AMAZING MEME not long ago, and I think I posted it somewhere on my blog. It sums up how I feel 100%. It said something like if you want to get closer to God and you LOVE then no worries because you are already close to God in knowing love. Like all we have to do is LOVE and then we are knowing God more and more. So plain and simple. Nothing about beliefs or spirituality or twin souls or anything. No labels. Just love. Just plain ole' LOVE. Feel love, be love, give love, believe in love and then we are "knowing God." So getting closer to Source means being love, feeling love. Because Love is God. God is love.
Makes me feel more reassured of my journey because I just don't feel like I have some huge mission to fulfill. I love this man. He has been my mirror to force my to change my thinking. In doing so he's had to be away from me. And now I want him back so I must work on shifting my beliefs around more from fear and doubt and some other stuff to just love and faith and "knowing." That is my truth.
I have told God that when I finally can allow James to come back to me and we are a couple again then I will be able to help people even more by giving them hope simply by letting them know we are together. Nothing major. And I will help others for free if they have questions for me or ask my advice. I have a day job that pays well so I CAN help others for free and that is my absolute 100% intention for when I am back with the love of my life.
I've said on my blog that I cry a lot. I do. I'm a crier. Always have been. I release a lot through my tears. Crying keeps my heart open and pliable. I worry when I do not cry- normally it means some walls are coming up if a poignant love song does not bring tears rushing through. No I don't love being sad all the time so I'll work on that but I don't mind my tears. They clear me. And while this might be hard to understand... I don't mind longing for my Love. It means I'm keeping him close to my heart and never letting go.
See, I don't view my twin soul experience the way most guides and gurus tell us we should. It is preached that this journey is all about self-perfection and clearing all ego to achieve being just soul all for the sake of being a better more loving perfect person. Hm. I could be wrong but I've been shown (really truly shown more than I ever explain here on my blog) that what I'm experiencing is learning that my thoughts and energy WILL and do create my existence so I'd better become more and more aware of what I'm believing and choosing to make real in my world.
Yet thoughts and emotions are two different things. In my experience it is easier for me to manage and control my thoughts, beliefs, things I say or write than it is for me to control how I FEEL. I aim to avoid ever feeling anger or rage or blame but those are very low unnecessary energies that I can banish. But the sadness I feel over missing my twin soul is not as easy for me to manage. I know he loves me. I love him. I love people. My life is blessed. I have happiness in my life. I AM LOVE. Yet still my heart aches no matter how many positive thoughts or affirmations I focus on. I can focus on the positives yet still feel an ache and a longing for my twin. This does not mean I'm not being spiritual or I'm not Awakening.
Awakening for me has been learning how to be conscious of what I'm thinking and believing. I believe I'm a good loving person even though I'm not humanly "perfect" {nor do I believe I am hereon earth to achieve that perfection.} I believe life is good. I believe James does love me and always has and I believe I'm heavily guided from above in the hopes that one day I'll allow all the joyful loving stuff my Higher Self has planned for me to come to me. I believe I'm guided hard to stay on track. Also my choices are often reflected back to me quickly in order for me to readjust and hopefully stay on path when my intentions are leading me away.
But none of that reflects me not being love. When I say I am loving and kind- I mean it. And I don't say that with ego. Am I perfect? Hell no! I get irritated often! I am far from perfect. But I DO love. I am a good person and overall I am happy with who I am right this moment although there are a few things I am working on for myself, not drinking too much is one of those things, the major one actually. I am more concerned with trying not to drink than I am in controlling any sadness I feel over missing James. I'm going to feel sadness but I need to be stronger in how I deal with it. Still my continued journey in life is not for me to work so hard to be a "better person" or to be more "love." In my opinion it is for me to focus on my thoughts and intentions to ensure I am creating the right things {loving things} in my life and sending out good loving energy to the universe. When I'm told to "Go inner and do the work!" I'm like... okay what do I do? I already spend a lot of time working to shift my energy from old to new, and believe me my GOD it has been a process! God it has taken a lot of "work" for me to let go of blame and fear and anger to see that yes it is me, Jennifer, who is in charge of what is happening to me.
Fuck me, right? And I'm STILL here working to re-balance and shift and adjust my thinking and beliefs. I do it a lot by writing what I feel is truth. Whereas I used to get angry and journal about shit like how I felt this or that (often much of it was me still feeling disregarded even though I did not want to feel that way) now I do not allow myself to write those FALSE beliefs. I refuse to create lies. Now I will write out only what feels good. Good feels good. Things like "I am beautiful inside and out and I know James sees my Light and loves me for it." I try and remember to write things like God loves me and Higher Self only wants for my happiness.
So my meditation is in the form of writing to shift my beliefs from lies to truth. Trying to focus on positive affirmations always. I just read the other day that to manifest properly (and I believe Awakening concerns learning how to be a conscious manifestor which has kicked the shit out of me at times) we need to be able to clearly identify the old limiting false "belief" and then let it go knowing it is not truth. But after that we must replace it with truth. And stress that truth over and over until all the cracks are filled with the new honest good belief. That way those new beliefs can shift reality from suffering to joy.
It is not just thinking "I'm going to feel joyful through my ache." For me it is actively working to shift my beliefs so I can change my reality that way my dreams can come to me. I've blocked my dreams. I've created my own Hell. It is why I want to drink to escape the pain I have brought on myself.
I'd like to change that now.
But Manifestation 101 says to focus strongly on what we want and love. To the point where we are supposed to envision the vacation we want or specific house or career. Very very specific. Not just "I'm joyful and happy!" but focusing strongly on our specific dreams. Speaking of what we want and love instead of talking about what we fear or what makes us feel bad. I have ONE major dream in my life- to be married and have a family with my twin soul love of my life James. That dream includes having a baby with him. I want those dreams more than I've ever wanted anything in my life besides me and my child's safety and happiness. Because my dreams concern this one man- that is where I choose to focus my energy. On what I want and love. On hoping and wishing and praying for a love relationship with him again in the future. On my sweet dear James because yes I want more of his kind loving self in my life. Hopefully this can be clearly understood- I actually work on focusing on what I want and love that way I leave no room for my monkey-brain to run off and focus on something else which will then fuck up what I actually want. So when someone tells me to "meditate meditate meditate" maybe that person does not realize that normally I spend at least two hours a day if not more on focused writing and that IS my meditative practice. Just because I am not sitting in the lotus position chanting "Oooom" does not mean I neglect to meditate.
I do love James so much that I miss him and it aches. I can try to calm that feeling and be happy without him, as happy as one can be while loving a man tremendously yet not having him in my arms, but I would be much happier if he were here. Life was sooooo wonderful with him in it, much better than before I met him, because is an amazing person to know and share love with!!! He is my dream come true and I would like to be with him. Yet I realize I have "work" to do still in continuing to shift my focus and keep it where it needs to be.
My blog might not read how others think it should but I'm just being genuine to my heart and feelings. We all feel differently about this journey and on my blog I'm simply sharing how I feel. For my journey I have never felt I am experiencing all this in order to teach me to find peace alone without him or that I need to surrender the desire to want a physical love relationship with him. I've always felt that I am meant to work on one day being with him again, and that is just how I feel. There is one psychic who I think rocks, "Scottish Miss Carol." I called her early on in my journey and she ended up telling me she could not counsel me because my Higher Self did not want me speaking to any psychics. But she did tell me a bit about her story. She was separated from her twin soul and had to go through a lot of painful mirroring stuff before they did reunite in the end and she is now with him in a love relationship. She says that when you are a twin soul the ultimate "outcome" is to be reunited here in earth and you do the "work" to achieve that goal, of finally being together with the one you love, your twin soul. That speaks my truth to me. I am meant to keep clearing and working and shifting so one day I am balanced enough in my beliefs and intentions that James can show me his love again. And until that happens- I feel the "heartsick" that my guidance explained to me. I do have a lot of moments of "heartsick" and I cry sometimes because I DO love him and miss him and I long for him, and that's just how it's going to be.
I love you. I'm sorry. Forgive me. Thank you.
Jennifer
I understand what you mean about keeping positive. I have noticed that I can't dwell in anger and fear anymore because it doesn't feel good. I come from a place of compassion and forgiveness now because it lets my soul win.
ReplyDeleteYes, exactly. I believe there is a difference between being angry and fearful and missing someone from the bottom of your heart, even to where it makes you cry. For me the anger flares up in order to overpower my sadness, like a defense mechanism. I'd rather just allow the sweet heartache I feel when I remember all of our good loving memories instead of letting myself fall into anger or fear. Maybe it is not something people can understand but I can be positive in my thinking and intentions while still feeling sadness because I miss my twin soul and wish he was in my life. I am glad to see you focusing on compassion and forgiveness. Thank you!
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