"Relationship"

I recently wrote a post about calling the twin soul union a "relationship" but I deleted it. I am really in no place to be discussing the "rules" of twin souls or why they happen or what we are supposed to learn from it or how we are supposed to feel about all this. Sometimes I feel like I have a grasp on why things happen. Like the coming and goings. Other times I wish I had a twin soul manual with maps, illustrations and a really good index. Stupid proof for me!

I have never claimed to be a pro at this stuff. And right now I'm tired. In a few days it will be three years since I connected with James for the first time, and I loved getting to know him. I absolutely LOVED knowing him. It was heaven on earth talking to him all the time then meeting him and becoming friends before we met. Learning about each other. Being excited to check my email because I hoped to hear from this amazing man I was lucky enough to get to know. It was such a fun time in my life, getting to know James. Knowing he would respond. Expecting to hear from him and then I would. The irony is if there was ever a time where it took him a while to respond then he would always apologize and tell me he knew it could be nerve-wracking to have to wait for a response...

And now there is this. The hoping and wishing to hear some word from him but not really knowing when that might happen.  Missing him so much and wanting to talk to my Love again. 

Yes what we had felt like a "relationship." James and I clearly defined ourselves as boyfriend and girlfriend and agreed to be exclusive; I was ecstatic to be his girlfriend! I felt like the luckiest girl on earth. It was the start of a beautiful relationship. He has actually told me this, that what we had was a healthy good relationship.  It was sweet, fun, easy, honest and very loving and good.  We hung out a lot. Kissed all the time. Went on dates. Text each other good morning and good night. Text to just say hi. Emailed to exchange stories if one of us was busy and could not talk. And I always knew I'd get a response from James. He was {and I'm sure is} attentive and loved to communicate with me.

Now... I do totally understand why people say the twin soul union is not a "relationship." In a traditional relationship there are expectations, especially the expectation of "When I contact you then you will respond." And that is not always the case with twin souls in separation. I do understand this. It is not a traditional relationship in that regard.

I don't have the energy to discuss the nature of twin souls. I barely understand it myself. In my experience I see it as there is this man out there somewhere who I fell hard in love and he with me three years ago. Every sign since that time has shown me to hold on, not give up, and that he does still love me but he can only show me that love when I'm focusing rightly on love and belief and goodness and truth.  It has been SO much about learning about manifestation and forcing me to own my power as the creator of my own destiny. Being aware of my thoughts, energy, intention and focus because I bring into my reality what I think about most.

I know all about having to let go of "expecting" anything from James. I can hope to hear from him. I can pray and work on my energy but I can't demand answers or expect a response because with us and our twin soul experience that is not how it works.  I always have HOPE- and hope is a confident expectation that my dreams can and will come true.  So I have hope.

Do not think it does not ache. I don't always understand the coming and going. I always assume there is some reason for it, maybe to show me there is hope and to keep trying. I like to think of it from that perspective.  Often when something happens between us that I don't like I get really scared and wonder if I have FUBAR.  Then I might hear something from him but I take it as him {and the universe} letting me know he is ALWAYS still there.  It is up to me but he is always there and there is always a chance to change things, and I feel he wants me to change things.  I feel that he does miss me.  But when I miss him and long for him and ache for him and love him as much as I do- all I want is to talk to James again like we used to, so it does ache- hence why I cry sometimes. I miss those moments when it felt like we were in a traditional real life loving kind gentle beautiful relationship.  One way to compare it is when my son goes away for a while with his dad and I don't hear from him- by the time he returns I miss him so much that I long to see his sweet face and hear his raspy little voice again.  It is similar to how I feel about James.  I miss him and want to know him again.  Pretty simple.  When we are away from the people we love we miss them!

I can't help but hope to one day again have that loving relationship with him. For now I realize I can always hope and dream. But my experience is very personal to me. I can't really talk about twin souls in general. I can only comment on what I feel or what happens to me. Not others.

If you've read my blog you've seen that I don't typically wonder or "worry" about what James is doing in his life.  If I was supposed to know then I would is how I see it.  I've felt that James has wanted to be with me, never wanted to leave me, and I've kept him away from me time and again when he's shown me he would like to be back.  While it is nothing I like to think about so I don't, I cannot expect James to stay alone when I've been the reason why he can't be with me.  It would not be fair to him for me to do so.  This is not his "lesson" to learn; it is mine.  I know he loves me and misses me and I do feel he wants to be with me.  But he is human too.  All I can hope and pray is that as I shift my focus and stay aware then one day we can get closer and closer to being able to show each other the truth and love I know is there between us.  I have faith that this can and will happen.  What matters to me is NOW.  Us being able to be together again.  I always hope my dear sweet friend is okay and doing well but I am not concerned with what James has been up to... honestly I don't feel it is any of my business.   If I've kept him away from me with my energy then how is his life any of my business?  *sigh*  I'm told and shown what I'm meant to be told and shown at this time.  So hard for many people to accept but I've kind of gotten used to it at this point.  Of course I'd love to be able to share aspects of our lives with each other and I really look forward to that moment when we do.

I miss James. I love him and I miss him so much. I have no real idea what is wrong and right in this journey but my heart tells me all that what is important is that one day I can know the sweet dear man I was blessed with meeting before, the one I love with all my heart.

I am "happy."  I am. I had a wonderful weekend with my son camping, staying overnight at a hotel with a pool on our way home and then yesterday spending the day at the beach. We stopped at a U-pick place in Michigan and picked our own cherries and blueberries and he thoughts that was the bees knees.  We had a ball. I wish we could play every day. I feel blessed to spend time with good friends and my son all weekend having a good happy time together.  Watching him with a slew of other kiddos running around in the Michigan forest with flashlights playing hide and seek and exploring was so refreshing, kids playing and giggling, happy.  They played and ran and had fun outside all weekend.  I also drank very little this weekend, a few beers and some wine but no hard liquor and I'd like to keep it that way.  I know I'd like to enjoy a glass of wine or a hard cider but I want to stay away from the hard liquor.  I almost took some vodka with me but I dumped it out. I wanted a nice fun relaxing weekend spent with my friends and my son.

I am happy.  I am happy yet it is mixed with that ache.  They coexists, those two emotions.

I miss James so very much. I love him with all my heart. I can't tell ya that I clearly understand this experience because I do not. My only clear course of action is to focus on being loving and kind in my thoughts and energy and see where that takes us. I'm working to stay focused only on what I love and want more of between us.  Focusing on the truth of what we are to each other, only love, and how much we really do love each other, think highly of each other and want to be together.  When I can do nothing, think nothing and feel stuck then I just remind myself of the fun times we had together, again focusing on what I want more of, what I've loved.  I love sitting and kissing James for hours, being held in his arms.  I love seeing him smile at me while we walk together holding hands.  I love flirty cute sweet warm loving conversations with him.  I love hearing from my love.  I love spending time with him doing fun stuff.  I love how kind he was to my son.  So those things and others are what I like to focus on.  Beyond that I can only pray and hope to hear from James soon. I miss him so much.

Jennifer