Going Inner

It is so challenging for me to express myself freely here on my blog right now because I don't think I make myself fully clear.  I am not in "pain."  I am not thinking bad thoughts.  I simply miss someone and I am antsy because I wish he was here with me.  I am in love with a man who is not in my arms and wanting him, loving him like this, makes me ache.  And that is all I really feel right now.  I want him.  I love him.  I try to focus on him because I feel like it is the only chance I have in ever seeing him again, to be honest.  I have been shown numerous times that only my energy can change this.  Only when I focus on goodness do I create any outcomes that I love.

I want to be with James again.  And I have battled with myself here lately, torn.  Like do I just back the fuck off now and stop "working on it?"  Do I stop the writing and affirming and reminding myself of how sweet he is?  Do I stop the dreaming and talking to him and God in my journal?  Do I try to figure out a way to love him in the back of my mind but push it aside and try to focus on other things?  Is that even possible after feeling this way for so long?  Am I barking up the wrong tree?  Am I going about this the wrong way?

It's confusing.

I know when I focus certain ways I get results.  If I accidentally focus on something I shouldn't then I get results I do not want!  But then I have focused on goodness and things have shifted for the better so that tells me to continue to focus, hard, on goodness in the hopes that I can speed up shifting this towards reunion.

I love Cassady Cayne.  She explains all the time that WE have the power here.  WE do.  We can shift this by when we focus our energy.  We can change things by how we think and what we believe.  She is one who says to journal about good times, good memories.  To write out the positive aspects.  I had another guide long ago tell me to write out three times a day all the aspects I love about my twin soul so, through my energy and focus, he could show me those things again.  Shit I had a street vendor tell me last year to "grab a journal and write to him, write him letters, tell him all the dreams you want with him," and that was after I tried to hide from her that I even have a twin soul.  Jenna Forrest says to "write love letters to their soul."  So there are people out there who advocate for "creating" good energy in order to speed up divine timing.

But the sad thing is when I come on my blog and write about how wonderful James is, and this is why I miss him so much because he is so kind and good and wonderful, people tell me I focus too much on him and reunion and wanting a "relationship" with him.  So what am I meant to focus on then?  Just me, myself and I?  I love others and the world and I send my love out to the world and I am a "Pollyanna" and a "harmonizer" but my own personal dream of happiness resides with my twin soul, and if we are the creators of our realities then wouldn't it stand to reason I SHOULD focus on my love for him, his love for me, our happy memories, and dreaming of a future with him?

Another thing I don't share here very much is a huge GOAL of mine for after I am back with James is to be a guide for others.  Not a "psychic" because I don't claim to be psychic but just a guide to help them if they want my help.  I really look forward to that because I love to help people.  But I have to get through all this first at to the other side before I can do that.  So for now I work on me, on my thoughts, on shifting my beliefs, on love.  

I focus on LOVE as much as I can. 

Even if keeping him so close to my heart "aches"- that is just how it has to be.  Seems it would be easier and less achy to just push my dreams aside, "let go" and move on hoping that one day he will magically snap back to me.  But I do not work like that.  I don't like being idle.  Idle does not work well for me.

I do need to continue to go inner and focus rightly.  Part of me thinks I need to do this alone, privately, but maybe that is just me caving to the people who think I am wrong for feeling as strongly as I do.

Maybe I will continue to dig down deep and feel my twin and write bunches of it here, sharing my love and good memories on this fairly anonymous blog page.  Or maybe I will be quiet for a while and use my own hand-written journal {or receipt or napkin or whatever I can find to scratch out a thought on.}  For some reason it sometimes flows out of me better when I write like this.  Like to a friend... maybe it helps for me to not always feels so alone in my feelings and thoughts.

ENFP here.  Chatty, always.  I have no idea why I am so prone to wanting to communicate but I do, and I love to write, always have.  Not sure why.  I just do.  I really miss chatting it up with James.  So odd when there is this ONE single person on the face of the earth I cannot get a response from no matter how much I'd love one unless my shit is in order.  It is still hard to swallow.  It still feels like I should be able to just pop him a quick hello and receive one in return.  *sigh*  I'll never be able to accept it even if I have to deal with it.

It's not like I feel I have loads of important things to say.  I don't think very many people read my words.  A few of you do.  Thank you.  I can only hope that at least one person out there feels as strongly as I do and is not ashamed to own it.