*Sigh*

Walking in Memphis

Yeah I'm a dork.  I saw this meme yesterday and it made me smile.  This is the shit I post on FB, this and stuff about my son.

Tee hee.  That's very me.  I am kind of a nerd.  But the "Walking in Memphis" video, that is from my most favorite episode of "The X-Files" ever called The Postmodern Prometheus.  It takes place in Indiana and is so hilarious.  Tounge-in-cheek, surreal and just totally over the top.  The episode is done in black and white and the dance scene at the end with Scully and Mulder seals the deal for me.  Many fans love this episode, and in it the "monster" is just lonely.  He does not have a mate and it makes him sad.  Of course.  Of course it does.  My MA thesis was about "The X-Files" and its use of postmodern theory, "pastiche" {which this new show "Stranger Things" uses too} and conspiracy theory {which I also totally go into dork-mode over} but I compared it to written works of literature since it was for my degree in English but luckily for me Purdue was pretty cool about letting me write what I wanted as long as it made some sense and had a plausible "thesis statement" which it did.   Writing, I told you, lol.  It is my life line.

I'm sad.  I bawled all of my makeup off on the way to work while this old song played.  "The Things We Do for Love."  Right.  The things we do for love.

I miss James so much.  I am totally besides myself and I feel like I am totally losing my mind.  I wish I knew the magic formula to bring him back now.  Like twitching my nose Samantha-style or waving my magical wand or standing on my head while singing "The National Anthem" or whatever.  As long as it does not include roller skating because I never did learn to skate.  I'm uncoordinated to a fault.  Skating parties were Hell for me as a kid.

Ugh.  Seriously?  I don't know what to do with myself.  Nothing helps.  Not reading.  Not watching TV.  Not meditating.  Only sleeping, lol.  When I sleep I shut off, and I don't dream a whole lot.  I have always wondered why I don't dream very much when I used to ALL the time before I this all happened.  Sometimes I dream but they are rare dreams, and I've only dreamed of James a handful of times.  A couple dreams of us together, little snippets.  He did kiss me once in a dream.  Another time he was with me at a family party.  I was getting cake, ha big surprise, and he was talking with someone in my family.  OH how I want that to be true.  I want to bring him to Christmas with me.  My family would love him.

I know how I sound.  Fairly obsessed, right?  Well I am not "obsessed."  I am in love.  And James once told me that I am his obsession so I don't feel bad to feel so strongly for him.  I know he feels similarly.  Even when he can't show me I still know he thinks of me and misses me and loves me.  I know I don't share a lot on this blog when I hear from him or what he says and I do that for a reason.  Because often when James reaches out to me it is more as a sign than to be taken at face value.  All I can really share here is I DO hear from him, maybe just not how my poor little heart wants to right this very minute.  Right this very minute I want to be sitting on his lap kissing his face off.  Or being able to call him or text him, like before.  An easy exchange.  But it is not like that, not right this minute although that is what I want.  It is what I wish for.  I ache to have James back in my life like I had him when we met.  I want that more than I want... air.  And I am not willing to give up on what I dream of even if it means aching through not having it- because I believe he will be back with me.  I believe that because I do hear from him, and I feel that as I work to shift my energy, intention, how I feel, etc. then he really can come closer and show me the love he has for me.  It is always what I have "felt" but I could not put it into play.  Now I am trying SO hard to be as careful as I can.  Am I perfect?  Nope.  My number one problem is frustration over not having him in my life how I want him right now.  Like right this moment.  I miss him so much that it makes me nuts and I ache and I don't want to ache- I just want him back.

But here is some brutal honesty. Saturday I heard from him. Shocked me senseless. I feel lucky because on Saturday I really let myself fall into stupid anger and this is so embarrassing but part of it is because I was drinking. Early. Did not have PJ and I get so sad. It is stupid and shameful. I had a lot to do at home and I did get a lot done in my yard but I was irritated and missing him and hurting and going over shit in my head and I got upset with everything like being alone, etc. So I had one of my little fits, flipping off the universe and saying "fuck you" to whoever was listening. Then I went in the house and fell asleep. Or maybe half way passed out and woke a couple hours later totally disoriented and hungry and feeling majorly assholish.  AND I vaguely recalled writing an email to James so I sheepishly checked my mail but no I did not send it. Carefully I deleted what I had written (churlish bullshit) and went out to do errands but I was still aching SO BADLY. Well long story short I heard from him and I'm lucky and very thankful. It was short but I think it showed me to please hold on. Please keep balanced. Please keep believing. Please stay focused on truth and please don't backside because he can only come as close as I allow him to. And guess what? Drunk and angry and stupid is not the energy my union needs. So I feel like I can see why there is still quiet... and I gotta stay strong! But still I do miss my sweet wonderful dear Love. I miss him a lot. The ache and yearning is strong. He was kind to me though and I'm thankful for that.

My other friend who has a twin soul, it is different for her.  But she told me she can understand.  Like she said to me, "Maybe just read a book or something?"  And I have to laugh since that book I wanted to escape in not long ago started with the word "James" written four times on the first page.  On the FIRST page.  The main character was thinking his name, "James, James, James" and I was reading that thinking... great.  Nice distraction.  Not.  Ugh.  I told her it is impossible for me to "forget" or push it away unless I am sleeping.  I just cannot do it.  Literally it is impossible for me to not think about him or want him back or miss him or feel this overwhelming love for him and ache for him all the time.  Not something I would readily share in mixed company since I don't want people to think I am unbalanced but it IS how I feel inside.

And yes it is exhausting.  I DO live my life but he is always there somewhere in my mind.  I just ordered my son a pool and hope to put it up tomorrow.  And I can tell you the entire time I am pulling up the old astroturf on this wooden thingy I have in my backyard to replace it with the new stuff I gotta buy and staple down- James will STILL be on my mind.  Yeah, I know.  Please understand there is just no stopping it and it has been like this since he has been gone.  I can't even explain it.  I just know it is out of my control so I've never tried to fight it; it would hurt more to attempt to block him out, and I don't want to anyway.  So yes he is always on my mind, and in my heart. I love him.

I just try to keep myself as happy as possible.  Because if not I might just... lose it.  This is why I am so lucky to have my son.  I am lucky to have my child.  I can cuddle with him and spend time with him and he is my buddy.  But that makes me think of James- and it is not fair really.  I wish we could be together.  He should not be alone either, and I want to be with him.  ME.  Do you understand?  He should not be alone either but I want him with ME.  James loves being in a relationship.  He explained that to me- he... likes commitment.  He likes having someone special in his life, and OMG I want that to be me.  I want us to be together, me and James.  I feel like we are meant to be together, like I am the one for him and he is the one for me- so yes it is why I am here following this "experience" and focusing and TRYING because I feel in my heart we are supposed to be together.  I heard a song yesterday and the lyrics are saying, "You are meant for me."  And that is how I feel- like I am meant for him.  Not someone else, only him.  I don't want another lover or close male friend or some other man to even talk to or have dinner with or go for a walk with.  I only want James, and I feel he wants me too. I miss my Love so much.

Maybe it is because I believe it now more than ever so it hurts even more to be away from him.  Before when I was more scared- it felt much different.  Now I feel like... we are not meant to be apart so I want him back, badly.  He is supposed to be with me, with us.  That is how I feel.  And yes the ache, that pull, this "knowing" kind of hurts.  It is a sensation I can't really explain but it is not comfortable.  I know I know- just know he's coming back and be patient, but I can't.  That is so not me.  I'm not patient.  It's been too long.  I miss him.  I want to hug him and hold him and kiss him.

I want to talk to my friend and love again.  Like REALLY talk.  Like human beings talk, on earth!  Reciprocated.  Where he says hi, reaches out to me, and then I get all excited and hopeful and say hi back... and then we actually keep in touch.  God, please.  A conversation.  A real, honest, genuine truthful conversation.  I pray for that every day.  I want to talk to James again like we used to talk.  My GOD I want it to be normal again.  Like when we first dated, before I knew about twin souls and mirroring and and forums and videos and this BLOG- I want that time back.  Beautiful wonderful blissful love... that is our natural state and I know that.  It was real and honest and genuine and GOOD- he called it "healthy" and real.  During this time apart he said that.  He said what we had was real and healthy and good.  And that we'd probably be living together... happy.  We were happy together.  That is what just kills me inside, and probably what not many people understand.  We were very very happy together.  Content and excited to see each other and so happy in each others presence.  And I knew it was not only on my end; he felt the same way.  He would text me at 2:30 and ask me, "Is it 4PM yet?  I'm antsy.  I miss my love.  I can't wait to see you."  And when he did see me he'd be so happy.  And I could tell.  Like he'd been looking forward to seeing "His love."

He called me "His love."  And that never ended.  THAT is what other "twin souls" {people going through this strange experience} freak out about- and you don't "get it" unless you've been through it.  NOTHING HAPPENED.  Nothing changed.  That love did not end or go anywhere.  It is like it is still out there but it is not often shown yet I still feel it.  I still know he loves me.  And God knows I love him.  It was perfect between us.  I am a smart woman.  And it was perfect between us.  The best relationship EVER.  I often talk about how sweet and good he is but I am sweet and good too and I know he loved my love too.  James loved being loved by me because I love hard too.  I am sweet and kind and gentle and good and I made him feel good.  I know he did not want to leave MY love and I know he misses me, and has missed me.

I just know it.  And I want him and his sweet love back in my life.  I feel unsettled.  It does not feel good, and I can't help that.  And yes it is like I am living in my own private little world because I have to "be normal" and face the world and be human... but I feel like a huge important part of me is missing.  Or maybe not a part of ME but something very very important to me, or someone super important is missing, as important as my own child, and I can't feel normal until he is back.  This situation is not normal. There are no right words for it.  I think only someone going through this, for certain, could possibly understand.  Anyone not going through this, never experiencing "separation," could know how I feel right now.  I know we love each other.  That I know is real and right.

I just miss him more than words can explain and I feel like I am going out of my head.  I love him so much and I need him back.  He belongs with me.  We are meant to be together.  So it does not feel "right" at this time, without him. It does not feel right. Hence why I'll do what I have to I'm order to clear myself out more and more, whatever it takes.

Oh, I miss you my friend.  I love you and I miss you SO much.

Walking After You