Crazy

Well as the world grows more and more crazy I'm here thinking... and all I want to do is be able to love this person freely and clearly right here and right now.

It is very frustrating to not be able to reach out and touch James or talk to him or hug him or love him "in real life."  Especially when it is what I want SO much, to love him in the here and now.  Yes I love him in my heart.  Yes I speak to his "soul."  But I miss him, his physical presence.  I miss his kind, loving empathetic self.

I am frustrated right now.  He recently told me that kindness and empathy are important.  And I know they are.  I am kind and empathetic but I know he is as well.  I heard some lyrics this morning.  They go something like this, "And if you ever loved me then show me that you give a damn.  You'll know for certain the man I really am."

I already know the man he really is.  I don't always like this twin soul journey.  I have not liked having my doubts fed back to me.  But I don't have those doubts any longer.  I KNOW he is a good man, and somehow this is divine in a way I can't even begin to explain.  I just accept it.  He reflects me yet he only loves me.  I know this.  I do.  I believe fully that James truly loves me but he responds to me based on my own energy.  Yet still it is frustrating because I honestly do really love him and I want it to be easy.  I just want him here and in a relationship with me like we were when we met.  I don't want it to be a lesson in manifestation and belief and "You reap what you sow" and all of that.  I just want it to be mutual love, and it is.  And I want him back.

There is far too much loveless crap in the world right now.  And here I love someone with every fucking breath I take- and I want him with me.  I want him with me.

I read a meme not long ago and I tried to find it but I found this one instead:

And OMG like that could have been created for me about James.  It is everything I want.  It is exactly how I feel!

I am fucking going crazy inside.  I am so not content.  At all.  I want all of these things with him.  That is what we had together and I want it back.  Cuddling on the couch!  OMG- I miss our couch kisses so so so much.  When we just saw each other not long ago he sat down and said he was not on "his side" of my couch.  HIS side.  Ugh, because he had to sit on the left side of me while we made out like teen age kids for hours at a time.  It felt better that way.  I miss our couch cuddling.

I hurt and ache for my love and I want him back.  I want to be with James.  We are told to focus on what we love and want more of and I want more of the sweet love we shared.  The honest genuine beautiful real healthy pure love we shared, the love I know still exists but FFS I want to see it here in my reality.  I want the love of my life back with me.

I know I probably need to be militant about my energy and hold on to my desires so I will.  But I am frustrated.  I want him NOW.  Now.  Right now.

The meme I was looking for but cannot find said something about patience, and I am not a very patient person.  When I want something I normally go get it or I make it happen.  That is me.  Some people call me a "Pollyanna" but they don't realize I am a fighter on the inside.  I am a quiet fighter :)  But this meme said that patience is holding on to what you love and hold dear to you while you are working hard and doing whatever it takes to get through your journey.

It did not say that patience means sitting back and waiting for God or the universe to bring you what you dream of in "divine timing" or when "God" feels it's time to let you finally have it.  It spoke the truth I feel inside- I must hold on tightly to what I love {James} while I work hard to get through this twin soul journey, a journey I still don't "remember" asking for but I am here and I love him so so so so so so so fucking much that I will accept it and do fucking anything I can in order to be with him again.

Know why?  Because LOVE is a huge motivator.  The hugest really.  LOVE should be the driving force in our world.  Many people will walk through the fires of Hell for love.  The other day a good old friend of mine called me to tell me she attended her first counseling session and she felt it went well.  She has hope that she will be able to work through her issues concerning her father deserting the family for a second family he'd created with another woman while he was married to her mother.  He just left them one day, all of them, to be with his other "wife" and kids.  She met a very nice man about two years ago and she loves him SO much.  She told me she is willing to go through with all of this, facing her old shit and dealing with it finally, in order to keep this happy loving relationship with this man in her life.  And I told her that is why God brought them together because often times we will do ANYTHING for love.  More than we would do for just ourselves- because let's face it... what is the motivation in being alone?  Really?  Not much.  It is when that wonderful beautiful sweet blissful love with another person is given to us and we get a taste of heaven... then we have the motivation and inspiration to get shit done.

LOVE.  Love.  Love love love.

Right?

My love for James is the only fucking reason why I am still in this, trying, writing in my journal every day, processing what I need to change and shift and re-think in order to manifest correctly what I want in my life, which is him in case you did not realize.  Only my love for him keeps me going on this path.  Him reaching out to me not long ago when I was thinking of straying off, telling me he does love me, showing me that YES we are really meant to be together even though I fucking knew there would still be work to do, silence to face, the unknown to deal with... only the realization that James is the only man I want in my life, the man I love with all of my heart, the man I asked for, my dream come true, my one and only sweetheart, the only man I want to kiss and hold tightly while he is moving inside of me making love to me and I am looking into his beautiful blue eyes while we say, "I love you"-  knowing he is the only one I want as my future because I love him with everything I have inside of me is why I am doing this.  Writing on this blog.  Looking like a psycho obsessed weirdo when really I am a MA educated 42 year-old mother who holds a full-time career yet feels like she is losing her mind half the time because I love someone so much that I am willing to finally believe in something so much in order to have James in my life.  Telling my family I don't date because I still love James even though they have not seen him in, oh, almost three years now.  It is why I would LAUGH if any man approaches me right now so the universe may as well not even try it.  Moot point.  And I don't really feel physically pretty or attractive anyway, nor do I really want to, so it's just useless.  I know my twin soul thinks I am beautiful no matter what and his love is all that matters to me.  I could care less what anyone else thinks of me.  I love myself {even if sometimes I look in the mirror and think "meh."}  I know I am a good person with a good heart.

I have a Facebook page.  It is for the "real" Jennifer that my friends and family know.  It is all my son and some of my thoughts about the world and life.  I have friends on there who I don't really know but who must catch snippets of my thoughts or something and add me.  One of them just told me "You have a good heart Jennifer."  And she is right.  I DO have a good heart.  I glow inside and I am very loving and compassionate and the state of our world right now breaks my heart!  It makes me cry.  All the hatred and violence is so unnecessary.  We are better than that!  We are all the same on the inside.  I am a good person who loves everyone.  I try my best not to judge other people.  I am far from perfect but every day I strive to love with no conditions, and I know James realizes this about me. I know it is why he loves me and finds me beautiful.  Because my inside is beautiful and to our soul mates that makes us totally gorgeous in their eyes, just like we think of them too.

I miss my sweet Atheist scientist.  My friend and love.  I really do.  I want to be with him and I do not like being away from him but I know we love each other and I need to keep my focus and move forward so I am.  But all I really want is James in my life with me and my son.  I may smile and say, "Oh I'm fine thanks!  Have a great weekend!" when someone greets me but inside I am thinking that all I really want is to be with the love of my life.  Yes I am truly happy for my blessings like the good job I have, dear friends and family who love me, my comfy warm house and all of the fun fun shit my son and I do together but still I love James and I miss him and I want him back with me more than anything.

TGIF.  I am so fucking glad it is the weekend.  Enjoy yours.  Stay safe and LOVING in this crazy world.

Jennifer