Why do I even bother to try and wear any makeup? I only wear about one minute's worth and that is because I cry it off every day. Every. Day. There is not one day that goes by where I do not cry at least once. Ugh. So I rarely wear anything more than a tiny bit of white on my eyes to brighten them since I do work. I can't come rolling into work looking like Hell so I brighten my eyes and wear lipstick and that's the extent of it. And I end up crying off most of my eye makeup before I get to work anyway so what's the use.
Weird thing happened on 4th of July. Well I emailed James. In the morning. *sigh* Sometimes I feel like I am not meant to send him anything, like I am being pushy, willful, not listening. Other times I just have to. I miss him so much and I have to say hello. And I feel like I know why things happen that I don't like- and I try to learn from those things and then let them go. Well one of those things I don't like happened recently. And I regret that it had to happen, and if it happened for the reason I think then I get annoyed at myself for taking the action or making the choice that caused it! I HATE that. I just hate fucking up over and over again.
So I told myself- enough! No more. I am so on a mission not to do shit that is going to come back at me in a way I don't like. And one thing I am telling "the universe" or myself or my higher self or God or "physics" or my twin's higher self or whatever/whoever is out there watching over all of this is- I ONLY want James. Really. I do. He is the man I want in my life, only him. I love him so very much and my GOD I want him as my future. He called me his future. He said, "I love you. I miss you. I want you as my future." He used to write to me and say, "Hello my future." OMG! I want him as my future!
I want to make this right! I am losing my mind! I am going absolutely crazy! I hate knowing that I caused all of this and I want to fix it!
After insisting that I am sorry for any straying I may have done in the past either in action or intention and telling God that I really only want James and I will focus only on James and I am going to get through this and I won't get scared and tempted to run off- I get an email from this guy I used to date. Why do these things happen?
Why?
Why, I ask?
This man, I knew he was a soul contact when I met him. I just knew it. I met him like a year before James. It was short-lived. I liked him but he said he did not feel a connection with me, and I was disappointed because I liked him a lot. Yet I could never feel comfortable with him, not like I did with James. This other guy made me nervous even though he was a very nice man. James never made me feel nervous. I always felt very comfortable with him, at easy, peaceful and relaxed. I always felt anxious with this other guy although I think it was just me and my nerves. We were telling each other things about ourselves that we wanted each other to know. He told me two things about him and later I told him that I had an affair when I was married. He got really upset because his ex cheated on him, and he could not get past my admission {that's what he said} and he ended up telling me he did not feel a connection with me.
But he popped up last year, weirdly and I should have listened to the "message" he was showing me which was, I think, reminding me to stay alone. Instead I went out on a date with someone. My few emails exchanged with this guy last year were super weird. But now he emails me on the 4th of July to say hi and ask how my holiday was going?
Weird? I mean, come on. Just weird. At 5PM on the holiday. I don't buy that. I just don't see that as a coincidence whatsoever. So I ask myself- why? And the only thing I can come up with has something to do with the universe "feeling me out" to see if I'd be interested, at all, in wanting to hear more from this man? Gauging my internal response to see if I was going to think, "Hm I wonder if...?"
I really have no idea except to say it is way too odd and I know how these things work. Somehow he is one who reaches out to me "for a reason." I can FEEL it. I was not sure how to respond or to respond at all so all I did was rely and say yes we were having a good weekend and I hoped he was too. That's all, and I told God I did not want a reply back.
Not. Going. There.
Or it was a reminder of the contrast between men, a reminder of how PERFECT James is compared to other men I've known and dated.
I DO want my twin soul in my life! Him and only him. I do think he is wonderful. I remember how at ease I felt with James, like he was "home" to me. God it was so easy being with him. He made me feel so safe and comfortable!!! It makes me so sad to remember because I miss him SO much. And in comparison... this other man, well I never felt at ease with him for some reason. It was like we were attracted to each other yet we did not mesh energetically. We did not argue or anything like that, and he is a nice person. But not the one for me, obviously. I told him my one "secret" and he judged me as "a forever cheater" immediately and I felt like shit. It scared me because I was afraid to be honest in the future, afraid I'd always get judged by whoever I might date or like. James- he asked me flat out if I cheated on my husband {obviously he knew to do so} and I was terrified to tell him because I was scared he would judge me and not like me anymore, like the other guy did. But no, my sweet little Love very gently told me it did not matter to him, he did not think any differently of me, and he loved me no matter what. He said he could understand that I was lonely and he did not judge me.
And I felt such relief when he did that for me, accepted me fully.
*sobbbbb*
I miss him so much. God. He really is all I want. Ugh. It hurts to want someone this much, to love him like I do, and not have him here with me. To ache for that loving perfection, my perfect person, but he is not here. I am dying inside. OMG!
And I wonder about things like that other man emailing me. I don't want to hear from him. I don't want to talk to any man but James. But it sucks to not be able to talk to him- of course I remember just how sweet and accepting and loving and amazing he is, totally unique from anyone else I've ever met. No one compares to him. I know this. And it hurts to know it so fully, to want him with me so much, such strong goodness and sweet love. So for now... I can only babble on here, ache inside until I cry, email him when I just can't stop myself, and try to make the best choices I can with the hope that eventually it will allow him closer to me.
I miss him so much.
It is called a "mission." Well you know how that word is used, someone is "on a mission" to get something done? "She's on a mission to lose 100 lbs," or "He's on a mission to see Stonehenge." It always means someone is invested in achieving a goal, on a mission to do so. It is the only way I can view this twin soul thing as being a "mission" right now because I feel like I NEED to have him back in my life. This is the most frustrating feeling ever, feeling like I know this man loves me and we are meant to be together yet we are apart right now. We love each other. We should be together. I know he loves me. I know he loves me and misses me too. He's loved me all along but this damn quiet and separation is enough to make a person nearly lose her fucking mind. Because I DO remember how sweet he is, and I want him back in my life. I remember his dear kisses and how he touches my face so gently and how he is content to just kiss me and how he needs to be close to me, and I know that when we recently saw each other he may not have been able to say much to me but I could feel in him how much he loves me and needs me and misses me and wanted to be with me. I know we made love, love that was very much overdue. And I know we both miss each other right now.
But why... why does it have to be SUCH a challenge? Why? What are we proving? What are we doing? I am a fairly loving person in general but there is no one I love more than James, only my son do I feel the same depth of heart as I do for my twin soul. I love him like I love my child, unstoppable love. I'll always love him- so why can't he just be back with me? I dunno. I know it has something to do with me and my thinking and my words, my manifestations. I know. But that does not make it any easier to be apart from the love of my life, from the one person I felt so amazing with. I felt so good with him, so happy. So perfectly happy. Blissful.
I ache. I ache.
I dream of having him in my life. I have everything else that I need in life. There is only one thing left that I want, James. He is all I really want. I can go out and have fun and do stuff and travel and fish and do the things I like to do and none of it really truly makes me happy. Only being with my child feels good to me, and even then all I can think is "I wish James was with us." I feel like I was made for him and being apart just hurts. I can't say any different. I wish we were together. I want to share life with him like we discussed. I know he is a good man, and I want that good man with me. I feel like I am the woman he wants in his life too. I just feel in my heart he wants to be with me.
I understand that I must walk my talk. I understand that I must deal with the unknown and whatever comes my way while being alone with my son, wishing my Love could be with us but never thinking I could possibly ever replace him. I understand I have to be honest in my intentions in all ways. I got it. Clearly, and I love HIM. I really do. It saddens me to think of myself being with anyone else and not him. I'd always dream of James. I'd always know he is my perfect fit, the one I want most. The one I love. I understand I'm going to have to face whatever comes my way, deal with it accordingly, have belief, love him, think of him, focus on our love... but I am not patient and I am not passive. Never have been, never will be. It is just not in my nature. I am a Leo. We are stubborn willful fiery characters. I can't help how I was made.
When we made love for the very first time I prayed so hard. Fuck me, I prayed. I won't ever forget that, lol, he was above me making such sweet love to me and I was all wrapped around him screaming out to God that THIS man, this special loving man, was the only man I wanted in my life from that moment on. I'd found 'The One." And I wanted to be with my dear forever. I told God that really I wanted James to be the last man I was ever with. I wanted him to be the one I marry and love forever. I have never NOT loved him since I met him! Never. God knows that through everything I have loved James for almost three years now. And being away from him really hurts my heart, so much. He is all I want included in the life I already have. I miss him. My life does not feel complete without him here, with us, my family. I feel like part of my family is missing.
I really hope this can change soon and he can be back. I feel like we are meant to be together. He told me he loves me and to accept that. Accept that he wants to be with me, and I DO. I accept it. I want him here. I know he wants to be here. I just know it. He never wanted to leave me. And I really want him back now. I ache for my sweetheart.
It's all I can say right now. The same thing over and over again. So if you you intend to read my blog know that's all you will find for now because it is what keeps me sane, partially sane. And trying to not drink, or at least not too much. I did drink last night and then at 4AM dumped the last 1/4 of the bottle of vodka down the sink because I feel like shit when I drink. I feel... icky and bloated and sad and full of heartache and love and longing and I don't need to add vodka to that mix. It's intense enough as it is without the addition of alcohol. FFS.
I want James to be with me. My heart yearns for him. I love him. He is so beautiful and wonderful and I miss my gift. I miss my gift.
"A Better Place." So true. I swear to God when he was here in my life it was the best place I'd ever been, ever. Heaven on earth. My bliss. I miss my sweetheart.
Love Me Tender
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