Stuff That Happens

I can understand that as people read my blog they might get the impression that I don't "live" because I focus so much on this twin soul journey.  But that is what my blog is about so it is single-focused.  I do other stuff.  I do.  I've said that before.  I actually try to have as much fun as I can because I am going through this and it aches and can be exhausting so I try to treat myself well and be good to me and relax and live life the way I want to.  I like to do stuff that occupies me like going to festivals or being with my son.  Where my mind slows down and I can enjoy the moment.  Of course very often what happens is I think "I sure wish James was with us" so most times it is inescapable- he is always "right here."

And THEN there are these times.  Times when I say to God, "Hey I need a freaking break from the focusing and writing and shifting and thinking.  I want to escape for a while," and I usually will grab a book so I can read, input coming in, and focus on fiction for a while.  Last weekend was one of those times.  I wrote for a long time on Saturday morning and later that night I just wanted a break.  My son was home and we were relaxing so I decided to start reading a book I got from the library.  It was about a bunch of women who get together for a "hen party" which is the British version of a bachelorette party but it had a dark undertone.  Seemed interesting from the description on the back.

I open and start reading.  The very first page.  The main character is speaking in first person and it starts off with, "I am running."  She is running through a dark forest in the moonlight and she says, "I had only one thought on my mind.  James. James. James."

And then farther down the first page again, "James."  She had to find James.

Turns out James was her past love and now, ten years later, she still loves him and has never been able to get over him or be with anyone else due to the strength of the love they shared, and as the story goes on you find out they really should never have broken up to begin with.

I took a photo of the first page and sent it to my BFF and said, "This is what happens when I want a break from all this."  She said ha, God won't let me take a break.  *sigh*

But how do I explain that to people who assume I don't let go and let God?  This is not the first time this has happened, and I know that cannot be a coincidence.  First time was a story about a scientist going to Mars and the Geologist on board was named "Jim."  And then again another story I read was all about energy.  In that story the emotions of one person was mirrored back through another person, like one person's energy and thoughts were used to "animate" the other person with an emphasis on having positive loving energy because fearful angry energy brought about bad results from the other person, the one being animated.

Also on Saturday, in the morning I went to the coffee shop to have a cup of joe and write outside.  I went early, 8AM walked there since it was a lovely morning and I did not have PJ.  I swear half the people who sat out near me had babies.  Or one was pregnant, older and pregnant.  Babies everywhere, more than I have ever seen there.  Then this woman and her mother sit down and the woman has a  baby.  They are looking down the street at a man approaching waving and saying, "Oh there is James!  Here comes James!" and James was the father of the baby.  I sat there writing thinking to myself... OMG.  Please, just please.

My heart.  My poor heart!

Okay then move on to Sunday.  I was getting ready to make lunch before going to the pool with my son.  I asked him what he might like for lunch.  He said to me, "I know what you want for lunch.  For James to come back."  I told him yes I would like that very much.  He said, "Just for lunch?" and I said no, forever.  I said I would like James to live with us and be with us.

But then he said this to me.  My six year-old son who I do NOT speak about me having another child around him.  Why would I do that when it's just me and him?  He looked at me and said, "Yeah and then you could have another kid together."  I asked him why he said that.  He said, "Well that way you could give me a brother or a sister and if it is a brother then he would be my twin."

My twin?

Really?  His words took my heart and squeezed the fuck out of it because while this "separation" has been going on there were times when James and I would talk.  My energy would somehow shift up and he'd be able to come crashing through and he'd always be himself again, his honest genuine self, and once he told me that what he really wanted was a baby, and that we could give my son a sibling.  James wrote to me, "He'd like that," meaning PJ would like to be a big brother, and thing is yes PJ would make an amazing big brother and I want that more than anything but please tell me why my son spoke it to me?

People tell me to back off wanting a relationship with this man, to go inner and do the "work," and not focus on wanting James- but then these "signs" are right in my face?  What am I meant to do with them?  What???  What in the world do they mean?

Not to mention I started thinking of straying off a few weeks ago.  Once I really started considering that I can't do this anymore- James reached out to me.  I did not reach out first.  He reached out and told me that he can't stop thinking of when we were together recently, making love to me, and he wants to see me and maybe we could go to Chicago and hold hands and talk.  He told me he loves me, always has, and he wants to be with me.

HE told me that, himself.  Not a sign.  Not a song, him.

I ended up energetically screwing that all up too *way to go Jennifer!* and now I am here stuck in the fucking dark AGAIN {and I really want to hate myself for that} but James himself communicated that to me.  So what do I do about not focusing on wanting him back in my life when these things happen to me?  I want a loving relationship here in real life with him more than anything I have ever wanted.  There has never been anything in my entire life I have ached for, longed for, dreamed of more than I want to share life and have a family with James.  How can I stop that yearning?  And then I get all these signs around me- even when I am NOT totally focused on him, like reminders.  I want a break to escape through a good book and then I am totally reminded via the content of the book I read.  Like it is inescapable.

And yes, the reminders hit me hard and I cry.  I am reminded of him and it makes me cry.  Because I miss him.

So please tell me just how I am meant to NOT want it this badly?  I do want it.  I love him and I want him with my entire heart and soul.  It is this deep yearning that I fly awake with in the morning and I just pray to hear from my Love again.  I want to see him again so much but I want him back forever.  Forever.

These things have happened since we parted ways.  They always happen.  I ask myself why.  I know some people will say I create the signs myself by thinking those things but why... why speak through my son like that?  Why put my deepest dreams right in my face through the innocent words of my son?  PJ did NOT say that "on his own."  He's "channeled" before so I know he does this- and the only way I can look at it and not lose my mind or get upset is to think I am being told to continue focusing where I am.  Keep doing the energy work.  Keep writing, focusing, affirming.

Don't think I don't get exhausted.  I get so upset with myself that I somehow manage to allow James a bit closer and then I push him away again by shifting my focus to either a wrong belief or thinking about someone else, running.  Do you have any idea how it feels to know he was here two months ago?  He was just here, his loving sweet adorable self... and I miss him so damn much.

Twin souls do that, come and go, for some reason.  It is all part of it and I am not sure why but it's not like it is the intention of all these people to pop in after years apart, spend a few loving hours together and then disappear.  It is something divine, something energetic.  It still has something to do with me, what I am focusing on, what I need to clear, etc.  But it is not easy.  It was not easy to be with him and love him and see his adorable shining smile and hear his sweet voice and then... gone again.

It feels so sad.  It does.  It makes my heart ache.  How could it not?  I want him with me for good.  I want him to be my sweet boyfriend again and then my finance' and then my husband.  My friend and lover, forever.  And then I hope to spend eternity with him, kissing his soul forever. 

I don't know.  All I know is I love him fiercely and I miss him, and yes it aches.  I'm reminded of him often.  I don't always know what to do.  I just love him and miss him and wish to have him back in my life like we planned.  I get sad because I remember things.  Like months into our separation we'd not spoken for weeks but I did something and he was able to reach out to me {I blogged actually, put a shit ton of love and belief and trust and defending us energy into it and immediately as I hit "post" he reached out to me} and we talked on the phone.  Once on the phone, OMG, he sighed.  Deeply.  Genuinely.  And he said, "I miss you Jennifer.  I miss you so much." 

And I just did not get it!  Fuck me!  OMG you have no idea what that knowledge does to me, knowing that he really DID miss me!  He wanted to be with me.  He did not want to be away from me.  But I kept manifesting distance and silence, and my GOD I still have, and it KILLS me.  That is where part of my sadness comes from, knowing we should be together but I have kept us apart for three years.  Of course I cry.  I've kept the one person I want most in my life away from me... and I never meant to.  I never meant to.

I won't ever forget the sound in his voice when he said that to me on the phone, so sad.  He was so so sad telling me he missed me.  I could sense his longing and ache too but I was too blocked, too scared, to understand.  Or fully believe it.  And he is so sweet, just so sweet and loving and kind.  It hurts to know we have loved each other this entire time but have been apart.  I feel terrible for keeping my Love away from me.  It makes me sad.

And now all this time later I love him and miss him deeply.  And I KNOW he feels the same about me, and we are meant to be together, and YES that is what matters to me.  Being WITH James.  Us being where we belong, together. 

"I belong with you.  You belong with me.  You're my sweetheart."

Yes, my Love, you are my sweetheart, always.

I miss you.  I love you.  I'm sorry.  Please forgive me.  Thank you.

Xx Oo

Jennifer