I don't want to give the impression I am not grateful for the good things in my life. I really am grateful. I try to remember to be thankful for my sweet child and my home and my income and the fun we have and the loving friends and family who surround me. I AM grateful, honestly. This is one reason why I know I must stop drinking- I have too many good things in my life to mess myself up with drinking. I understand that. I really do.
Still I have not felt this level of sadness in a while and I don't know what to do about it except maybe keep it to myself? I am sad because I had this wonderful person in my life and I want him back. I love him so much and want him in my life. I miss James. I miss him so much that my heart aches all the time and really what more is there for me to say here?
I am confused right now. Torn between it is time to put on my "big girl panties" and just get over it, tough love, or else to realize I am hurting and understand it and have empathy for myself? I dreamed last night very vividly of watching a woman jump to her death; she jumped from this high thing in the air to kill herself and I was thinking that I did not want PJ to see her, that I hoped he did not see her dead on the ground. I have been feeling very down, like it would be easier to not be human any more- and I know I should not have those thoughts. I have my child and my life. I don't mean it. I am just feeling very down, and honestly I don't want to feel this way. I am not sure why I had the dream though? Is it my guidance trying to give me a sign? But what sign? Should I feel ashamed of myself and my sadness? Today my roommate said she felt two days ago that I was having suicidal thoughts but she didn't know how to mention it to me, that she "felt" it even though I did not say anything. I dunno. I don't know why I feel like this. I am not blaming anyone. I am not "mad."
I have a friend who is a twin soul. I told her I was hurting. I did not tell her I am mad or anything because I am not mad. I just feel down, more than usual. I also told her I am really going to work hard to not drink any more. I know it is bad for me. Then I had that dream last night and this morning she wrote to me and told me basically that I am ungrateful and need to humble myself. So I now feel even more like a pile of shit, like I am being thankless. I don't mean to be ungrateful. I just feel really tired.
So I wish you all well. I, of course, will be back but I feel like I need a break. To cry and beg God and miss him and love him in private. I will try to write on my own, in my journal, although I am having a hard time with that too. What I really wish is to wake up tomorrow and not feel this sadness and missing. I am tired of writing and focusing and shifting. I am so ready for him to be back with me. So I am having a hard time putting pen to page right now. I don't even know what to say: the more I think of him the more I miss him and the more I ache.
I wish he was back in my life like we were before. That's what I want more than anything. To have my sweet loving kind friend and boyfriend back in my arms and this time to stay FOREVER.
There is no way for me to write here and have it be positive with how deeply I ache right now. Better to say nothing at all than express my sadness and restlessness.
I hope you are all well. I hope wherever James is that he is okay too. My wish for him is for life to treat him well.
Just wish me luck on staying sober and being as strong as I can be. Right now I feel only strong enough to care about me, my life, my needs, my wants, my heart, my mental, physical and emotional health, my sanity, my son, and to keep my twin soul in my heart loved and protected.
Thanks,
Jennifer
Hi Jennifer -- you ask if you should feel ashamed of yourself and your sadness.... No! You should not feel ashamed! You should feel ashamed of nothing!!! Maybe instead of "shoulding" on you, I am meant to say that you could allow the shame to move through your body so you can release it, but I haven't mastered this. :/ Feelings of shame are the worst, worse than anger, worse than heartache.
ReplyDeleteI completely understand what you mean by not wanting to be a human anymore, wanting to go Home. This is a normal part of this journey, unfortunately. All feelings are correct, in that, you feel them, so let it be true, so it can move on. Don't we make it so much worse by fighting it! If I may say, you are quite hard on yourself. I recognize it because i have done the same thing. And I don't even realize I'm doing it sometimes, as I'm so busy project-managing my emotions, to be "good" or to effect a change. Maybe your friend who told you to humble yourself meant it in a way, not like "you're an ungrateful a-hole" but rather "admit the way you beat yourself up" Tell the truth about this to yourself. Do you know what I mean? Does that help? Yes, I totally get wanting to ease up on the drinking, and wanting to shift your energy, as long as we are not trying to berate ourselves or run from ourselves (I have had to admit that I am the runner in this way, it made me feel humbled and also sorrowful, that I have been such a maniac to myself).
Anyway, hope this helps - do whatever feels right for you! If that's taking a break from the blog, so be it! Be kind to you.
Thank you Sophie. I appreciate your kind words. Right now I feel like a turd! My friend meant humble myself like be grateful, not thankless. She assumes I'm being thankless. I'm not I swear! I've been sober this week but she told me to work on my weaknesses and basically shut up. Then I feel like a weak whiner. She knows my struggles too but that's okay; I'm not going to be sharing with her any longer. This is not the first time and I'm not mean when I try to help my friends. It's okay though. I'll talk with God and higher self and feel better. I'm working hard to avoid "hubris" and feeling angry and blaming BUT still I ache.
ReplyDeleteI honestly can avoid stupid childish anger (if I do not drink) but I'm having a difficult time shaking this blue "missing him" loving longing I feel right now, and yes I perceive it as being weak, especially now that my friend derided me about it. But anyway. Thank you again! If anything I've avoided drinking this week so hey, go me! LOL
DeleteAlong my path to searching for answers I found your blog. It has been a great help in putting my mind at east knowing I was not going crazy or making things out to be something more than what they were (I know what I feel and I trust in that always). I also really like lee and sherry on youtube and their multi-part series on their story. They keep it real and say shit and fuck a lot which is what my childish mind relates to, and has really given me a positive spin on all the pain this inner work causes. My higher self isn't telling me to clean up and go vegan, it's saying have that drink, eat that good shit, make love while you still can, be happy... and send those beautiful ripples out to the universe to be felt by your twin. James is missing out for sure but you have to be strong and walk tall like the badass woman you are. Enough talking about this man, keep him in your heart and not in your head. The mind is the ego and will fuck you up. I say all this will love and support as I'm not perfect and doing my best to raise to the higher consciousness while still stuck in this damn body. Everything I've read says we have to love ourselves above and beyond anything else, then our twin will come back to us. This life is too short to be sad so just treat it like a fart and let it go for now. hugs.
ReplyDeleteYour comment made me laugh, thank you for that! I say fuck and shit a lot too. I have a potty mouth SO bad. As a matter of fact my son and I have this thing we do, been doing it since he was tiny. He asks me if he can get his bad words out and I tell him yes and then he will say all his bad words like, "Shit, damn, stupid" but once he heard me say "Mother fucker!" when my dog had garbage strewn from one end of the house to the other and he added that to his list of bad words he needs to get out, lol! My guidance did warn me about my drinking but it's because it's more of a problem for me. But otherwise I was never told to perfect my life, just my thoughts. Good thoughts. Believing in love, no doubts. My poor James, I know he loves me and wants to be with me so I am working on it. I love him a lot though so I do keep him in my head and heart both while I work on staying as happy as I can. Thank you for your kind and funny words! Hugs to you too.
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