"Bridge of Light"

Bridge of Light

I have never heard this song before.  It is from Pink.  But it is such a good song.  It says "Only love can build us a bridge of light."  Really it does feel better to focus on love.  I love The X-Files.  LOL- I do though.  They are my fave.  

I managed to have a normalish e-mail conversation with James a while back, well quite a while back.  And he wrote to me about The X-Files coming back for a season and he said, "I'm so excited!" and I thought to myself- he sounds like me.  It was refreshing to talk to the man I know he is for a moment. He is... energetic.  Buoyant.  He makes me laugh because he was always making silly comments or saying something funny yet he is still mature.  He is a man meaning he is not one of these man-children who act like immature boys.  Yet he was youthful when I knew him.  And it's always been a blessing to "feel" that from him here and there.

"I miss him" is something I write on here often but I don't think anyone can really understand what I mean when I say "I miss him."  What I actually mean is "I miss the man I knew, dated, kissed, made love with, laughed with, held hands with... the man who made me giggle" and I rarely giggle.  I don't laugh enough.  Might be why I love carnival rides so much- they make me laugh, all the spinning makes me feel like a child and helps me laugh.  That is why I say being with James was "joyful."  Because he did make me laugh.  Like when he took me to Chicago on a date.  He was so sweet, best date ever.  We spent the evening walking through the city and he held my hand the whole night.  At one point we were leaving a building through a revolving door but he came into my "slice" of the door and took me by surprise by kissing me.  He is very expressive with affection.  Not all "PDA" or anything yet he is not shy to hold hands or little kisses with other people around.  When we were out in the street he chuckled and asked me, "Do I embarrass you?"  Like he was asking me if his being silly and kissing me like that embarrassed me.  But no, it made me laugh.  A good laugh.  And I told him no, he did not embarrass me at all.  I said he was everything I'd ever asked for, and I meant it.  He is everything I ever asked for, ever ever ever.  I wondered why when I saw him he reminded me of the "boys" I had crushes on when I was younger.  He really did!  It was cute!  Part of it is he looks young, and part of it just his boyish energy, that smile.  My guidance called him "jovial" and that is so true.  Jovial.  Happy.  Friendly.  Funny.  How could I NOT miss that?  I do.  I miss him so much.  It is so hard to not remember him strongly and smile then cry.  He was so sweet to me.  Undeniably kind and caring and loving.  To the point where I KNEW when things "changed" that something was not right.  I knew it.  I knew it immediately.  I remember thinking... this can't be real.

Turns out it was not real.  My intuition and heart was right.  I've always known that James is the man I met on my 40th birthday, the one who wore the black Atheist t-shirt on our first date, and he looks very sexy in black.  I was pretty much lost for words when I first saw him.  Looking back I doubt I even made coherent conversation.  I totally remember being kind of quiet.  He did a lot of the talking.  I was strangely shy at moment with him.  He kind of overwhelmed me because he was just so perfect and it floored me.  Yet I felt very comfortable with him, like he was already my good friend.  And he was already my friend because we had logged hours on the phone before we met.  And texts.  And emails.  So I felt I knew him pretty well before we met, and he did not disappoint.  I was excited to meet him but he was even better than I imagined he might be.

Man.  Those were good times.  Why would I not want to think about those times instead of anything less?  Why would I not want to talk to him again?  The way I have explained this to myself is like this, I am going through an experience that I don't totally love.  I love James, for sure.  I can appreciate that I am learning how to create good stuff instead of bad stuff out of fear or worry.  But I don't love the process.  It has been scary and painful.  BUT- God is smart when it comes to me.  "They" knew how to get me to do this thing- they brought me James.  They KNEW he is the one thing I will not back down from or something I will give up on.  So it's like I am sure they knew this would scare the shit out of me, and I'd want to run off, but I love HIM so much that I cannot let go.  I remember too strongly all of the good times we shared and how perfect he is and just how sweet, loving and kind he treated me.

And I clearly see how {although it still seems so unbelievable} I changed it myself through only my thoughts, fears, worries, disbelief, etc.  And I don't like that.  It seems to not right.  But yes he is somehow showing me where I put my focus, and if it was anything else I'd probably just deal with the mess I've made, walk away and start over.  But with James I cannot do this.  I cannot walk away from the best thing that has ever happened to me.  I have to try my absolute best because I miss the man I met, dated, fell in love with, kissed for hours and hours, laughed with, looked forward to seeing, thought of constantly, ached for.  I remember us going out one night for dinner and stopping at the bar afterwards for a drink.  He was his normal charming funny self, cracking me up.  Just too damn cute and friendly and funny.  And sexy.  And at some point I thought, "I need to get out of here with this guy and take him home to get him naked, like now."  I wanted to get my hands on him.  I loved knowing he was mine and I could kiss him and touch him and make love with him.  And on the way home we got stopped by a train and he stopped the car, quickly turned to me and kissed me so hard with this huge smile and said, "Train kiss!!!"  And I melted.  Just too cute and sweet and right.  Comfortable and safe, and my friend who protected my feelings.

Too just everything good to believe anything but he is a good man and I am going through a divine experience that most people could never believe.  But I believe it.  Because I remember him, and I know who he is.  And I want my angel back.

Oh yeah God knew who to use to teach me this really strong lesson in manifestation.  I loved before him, strongly, but those people I was able to move on from.  I think fondly of them but I got over it.  James I feel so differently about.  I don't always understand it because in the past I could move on, could "get on that horse again."  But I can't with this guy.  I am haunted by the sweet memories of him, and I love him and miss him so much.  What we had was sweet and beautiful and I feel that love still exists.  It just appears different... but I don't think it is.  I think anything I don't like is not real, just illusion, holds no real meaning or feeling so it needs to be overlooked and love made the focus.

I'd love nothing more than to see his smiling face again, to hug him, to laugh with him.  To be real with him again, honest, easy going.  Comfortable.  Real and right.  I want to sit on my couch and kiss his face off for hours; I want to just be with him.  But forever.  I want him forever.  So I hold on to the hope that YES I can change it, myself, by being determined since I do love him so very much.  And I know he loves me too.

My fortune cookie message today said "It is always darkest before the dawn."  And my friend's said something like if you can dream it or think it then you can bring it into your reality.  Both fitting.  I can only hope the darkest of my moments has passed now, allowing the dawn to arrive.