Ugh. My heart is ready to explode. I know I can't really expect anyone to understand what I am experiencing. This is why I blog. I get tired of writing in my journal. Typing is easier. And it may sound stupid but I don't feel so alone writing here. My one twin soul friend has went weirdly quiet and I feel like we are not really supposed to be talking much right now. And what can I say? I miss him. I love him. He's wonderful- I feel those things but I can't really express them to people. Luckily my BFF Beverly understands how much I love and miss James so she knows how I feel inside even if I don't say it. She knows it's a good thing for me to come hang out sometimes so I'm not always alone when my son is with his dad. I get tired of being alone yet there are not many people for me to hang around with, and I don't go out much. So... I write here. I have found that for me writing it like breathing. I have to write. Don't ask me why. It gets everything out I guess.
Today I had the thought on my lunch of going to this nearby park for a walk. It would be a quick walk since my lunch was half over already. Then I thought of my mom and was like, "Oh yeah mom said she has a busy week but maybe we can get together for lunch this week." Then I went to the park and as I was getting out of my car I saw this woman walking towards me and it was my mom. And her friend. And they were going to a walk too.
So then I said, "Yeah this is a great park. I've seen deer here. A little one walked up to me before." And right then my mom's friend said, "Oh look at the deer!" and there stood a little deer. My mom's friend said to me, "See? You said it and now there is the deer."
Yeah well I thought of my mom and three minutes later she was there too.
Obviously I'm being reminded that I'm a manifestor, and I get it. Really I do. I manifest. Fine. Good. Wonderful. Seriously, not being facetious or anything. I'm aware of it and I've accepted it and I am trying to work with it to the best of my ability. I'd like to create a happy life. A HAPPY peaceful joyful life filled with love.
I love James. And I know he loves me. He is the only man I want in my life. James. My sweet loving kind boyfriend. That's kind of how I still think of him, my boyfriend in my heart. I have not moved on. I don't want to. I love him with my entire heart and soul and I want him. But I want him NOW. I feel like we should be together, are meant to be together. I DO believe he loves me. I KNOW he does. He recently told me again that he loves me, wants me in his life, and he told me "Accept that."
I do accept it and I am doing whatever I can, energetically, to support accepting his love for me, knowing what a good man he is, owing "truth." I just love him so much.
I also realize that I've had to do the "metaphysical clean up" and energy work in order to clear things up between us, and I still need to be supportive in my energy but man I miss James. I love him and I ache for him and I want him with me, in my life. Right now. I wish he was with me now, if not actually here with me in my presence then at least in my life, in communication with me, like before. Silly and loving and kind and exciting and buddies and lovers- all mixed together. He is the best boyfriend ever. When we dated he was a forty year-old man but together it felt like we were kids again, laughing and sharing and having a grand ole' time. Yes we had serious talks too but life is short- who needs to be totally serious all the time? We were serious about each other. Committed, defined "relationship" and talking marriage, but we had a really good fun time together. Knowing James made life very very fun and enjoyable.
Blissful really.
And I am so ready to know him again like I did then. TRUTH. I guess I'm just a wee but frustrated because I love him so much and I do know he is a really good person. I believe in James. I trust him. He is my twin soul and he loves me and I know he misses me like I do him. I understand this has been me seeing what I manifest. I get it. I GET IT. But I also know something. I know that the angel of a man I met three years ago is James, only James, always has been James. And I want that man back in my life. And I will not feel settled or right or content or truly happy until he's in my life again. I need to know him again. I need James in my life. I miss him with my entire heart and soul. I feel like my best friend is missing.
It is just not a good feeling and I can't really explain it but I am antsy. I am smiling and saying hello and acting normal but inside I'm not truly peaceful. I love him and miss him so much and it's like... I am so ready to know my sweet dear kind friend again. I want him now!
Is that impatience? Maybe but I never claimed to be a patient person, and I've never really asked for patience. I am not certain patience is a real virtue. Yeah it's okay to have patience in waiting for a fun trip or the like but really when you want something badly why should you have huge amounts of patience? Just go get it. Work hard and get it. Make it fucking happen. Who wants to wait around being patient? If you wanna lose weight the kick it hardcore and lose the weight. If you wanna adopt a baby then do all of the work necessary and pray your ass off that the baby comes quickly- yes certain things we don't always have control over, adopting a child. Waiting for a kidney- and then we must have patience but a whole Hell of a lot of prayer works good too. Imagining that baby you want so badly, daydreaming about all the things you will do once you are healthy with the new kidney. If you want the dream job you gotta go looking for it. Patience does not mean sitting on your butt doing nothing and trying to deal with not having what you want. I guess patience means just trying to be as tempered and normal as you can while you work hard for it, even trying to manifest what you want since, in my life experience, I've been shown that my energy work does more good than my 3D workings.
So I am here trying to do my energy work but I have to tell you I am just really want him back. In all ways. I wish he was back with me. In contact with me. I wish we could talk together. I want my friend in my life. I have other friends and I can just call those friends or text them and BAM they respond and we talk and plan and yeah. I want that with him again. I want it to flow smoothly, easily. I know James loves talking to me. Even when we met a couple months ago he said to me {oh the irony} "And yeah I do love talking to you." Well- he does. I know he does. We could not get enough of each other, and I knew he felt the same about me. He always contacted me. He said he hated saying good night or good bye, and that was after the "change" happened. But I know that is truth. I know what truth is, and maybe that is why I probably seem really fucking looney tunes to anyone reading my blog right now. Because I KNOW what truth is. I know he loves me very much. I know he loves talking with me, and he wants to talk with me. I know he is a total sweetheart. Adorable inside and out. James has the most wonderfully cute personality. Sweet- I can imagine my son being a lot like James when he grows up. James is brilliant, aware and very personable and friendly. I could talk with him about anything, and we talked for hours and hours. Into the wee hours of the morning. And then when I would try to hang up he'd say, "No no- just five more minutes."
I remember his smile and his cute little walk. I remember holding his hand and looking at each other and smiling while we walked and talked. I love his smile, and his voice. I love his voice and I'd love to talk with him again. Forever.
So maybe this is all I can do right now to stay sane. Write here. Think. Imagine. Love him in my energy. I can't do nothing because nothing does not feel good {and when I try to do something like read to relax and escape I'm given reminders of him anyway} so this is it for now.
Oh and not drink. Really. Like a glass of wine is okay {and I don't want to drink the whole bottle or anything} but damn it's the hard liquor that gets me. That lonely missing aching feeling makes me want to drink which is so ridiculous because I already KNOW I won't feel any better. I'll feel worse. I know this. I am a smart woman {most of the time} and I know this. Ugh. When I drink I am way more prone to getting angry and pissy and frustrated, ego fits. And it makes me feel like shit. Just gross. And stupid and weak too BTW. I just need to be done now. And only I can do it. Yeah I'd love some moral support from a "companion" but it's kinda obvious to me that for now I have to work on this myself. Gosh I wish I did have a spouse, my husband, that person to turn to. I wish, you know, that James was my significant other and I had him in my life so I was not lonely and it would be much much easier to not want to drink then. That would be wonderful. But there are reasons why he has not been here, beyond me drinking, so it is no excuse. I'm tired of feeling like shit. I have to be stronger now, like right now. I feel so much better after I'm sober for a few days. Sometimes I hate alcohol, and I hate that my fucking genes are hardwired towards addictive tendencies but I am working on it. I hate that there are like fifty liquor stores within a ten mile radius of me including grocery stores and Walgreens. It is frustrating because it's sickening to me- and I do dumb shit after I've been drinking. I always have to pick up my phone and cringe while I check the sent folder in my e-mail to see what ridiculous emails I may or may not have sent James when I've been drinking, plus a few other things I probably may not have done had I been totally sober. I definitely lose track of my good sense when I drink, and I get- what is the word? I make rash decisions. I can't think of the word. Impulsive! Yes, I get impulsive. I've always been a little bit wired that way but when I drink it's like I'm so ready to throw caution to the wind... it is one reason why I avoid going out and drinking, like at the bar. I just lose good sense, and alcohol affects me strongly and quickly. I'd rather be home and drunk writing stupid emails to James than out and drunk doing God knows what with God knows who and then wanting to kill myself later. And I can avoid all of that by not drinking at all, home or out! I'm better than that, stronger. I know. So I am a bit irritated with myself, and it is something I can work on while I am holding on in my heart and reminding myself to be the best mom I can be which means no drinking hard liquor. I'm just so sick of this now. And I mean drinking. I am tired of it.
I really do love James. I know I'll see him again. I just hope it can be soon. I miss my Love, my "One."
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