After I saw James here not long ago and I shared it on my blog I got a few comments from people wanting to know why I didn't demand "answers" from him.
What most people can't understand is I don't desire answers from him. There are no answers.
I'm reminded of the one time when I thought we would "reunite." And had I not energetically lost my shit and let doubt and fear run amuck inside me then we very well may have. He had been gone for about seven months, so seven months of that odd twin soul separation with the extended quiet. But I would get some contact mainly because I would flounder around desperately trying to believe my guidance. Well somehow I did something to help clear the connection between us and he responded to me and was himself again.
No explanation. No discussions. No questioning the fuck out of him. He was just suddenly the very kind soft-natured funny flirty lovey guy I dated. And he was like... nuts over me. It was sweet and seemed like a miracle but I knew not to ask questions about those prior months. I knew not to ask "But two months ago you said this thing or you didn't respond- why did you do that?" My soul let me k ow to "let it go."
For a few weeks I was able to enjoy knowing my boyfriend again. One day he emailed me and referred to himself as my boyfriend. No questions asked. No discussions. Nothing but talking love IN THE NOW. Well the back then. We simply did not address those months in between. And I asked him, "So you called yourself my boyfriend" and very matter of factly he said, "I think of you as my girlfriend." And I was like well shit that sounds good to me!
And I did not question a thing. I did not ask about those seven months. I did not really care to know. Was not important because all that mattered to me was that I had my sweet adorable sexy loving boyfriend back wanting to talk for hours on the phone telling me he could not wait to get back. Telling me how lucky he was to come home and see "his love" again.
I was at least spiritually mature enough to know not to press, push, nag and act all crazy needing answers about shit that did not really matter. I let it go. Unfortunately I could not totally let go of my fears over being forgotten again or let down again and I could not stop internally doubting his feelings for me despite the fact that he was emailing me at 3AM telling me "I can't sleep. I'm thinking about you." DUH. I wish I could slip into my Delorean and pop back in time to that Jennifer and slap some sense into her but... I did get scared and he disappeared again.
And I've spent like two more years trying to get past my fears and negative attachments since then.
But when people wonder why I did not demand answers from him when he was here it is because I know it is not necessary. I have enough faith in this union and its miraculous divinity to know that when the energy is right then we will come together in love again, in the right now, and we will move forward. I don't want or need explanations about these last couple years. And if I was to demand them then you had better understand my higher self would ensure I had more lessons to learn.
All I wish is for my dear sweet man to be back in my presence again holding me and kissing me and calling me his girlfriend again. No deep heavy discussions on the past. It can progress naturally
We can pick up where we left off. It is all I want. I do believe it is how this works. Like a magic eraser comes and wipes away anything that is illusion and leaves truth and love once that is the existing energy.
I hope that makes sense. So for any of you who are lucky enough to get in contact with your twins- always remember this info. Its a new start. It is planned that way. Let it be a new start. Don't need answers. Be stronger than that. Let anything painful that may have happened between you disappear, and it will. But you have to totally let it go like it never happened and I swear soul or God or something makes it like it never happened
It is the beauty of a twin soul situation
Just let love grow again.
Yeah I know I said I would not be blogging for a while but just one thought.
Kisses. Sweet kisses.
I always write on here that I "want to talk to James again." Well I do want to talk to James. I'd love to get a text or email or call from him and it be back to normal. Just love and goodness like before. He is very sweet and his words are cute and loving and kind.
But more than talking to him- I want to kiss him. I'd much rather KISS him that sit around talking. I'd much rather have him in my arms KISSING him than emailing or texting or even talking on the phone. I want to kiss him. I miss our kisses. When we were together all we did was kiss. Talking was for when we were apart. Seriously. We did talk often when we were not physically together {and I miss that a lot.} We would email or be on the phone a lot. I wish we could Skype. I'd love to see his sweet face while talking with him again.
Kissing though, I want to kiss him even more than talking with him. I really do. When he was here last and he took me in his arms and kissed me I thought I died and went to heaven. Or I thought I was possibly dreaming. Like sleeping and dreaming. I was not sure if it was really happening.
Man, when we sat down on my couch he said, "I'm not on my side" and I almost lost it.
His side. Where he used to sit, to the right of me, because it felt better to kiss that way. That comment really melted my heart. I was nervous. And I was so so so in love, and there he was sitting on my couch in my house! I still can barely believe it, and it went too quickly. But he leaned back and with no words he pulled me into his arms and held me for a moment.
Talking. DUH- I talk too much. I should not want to "talk" to him. I should want to KISS him and be with him. I talked too much. I should have just shut up and kissed him but I was nervous. I said something stupid but I won't repeat it here. Not mean at all but considering our situation it was something I should have just ignored and let go but I repeated it to him, and I regret that now. I wish I would have just kissed him and kissed him and taken advantage of the fact that my James, my sweet twin who I had been aching for for over two years, was in my house, on my couch, his lips on mind. And the look on his face was like, "Oh please just be quiet and kiss me and don't say the wrong thing, please." But he kissed me hard. Oh I could just cry thinking about it. He kissed me so hard and it was wonderful to kiss his sweet lips again after far too long apart. My GOD.
I want to kiss him again. I do. I miss his kisses, his sweet sweet kisses. I want to sit on my couch and kiss for hours. I could just kiss James for the rest of my life and be happy. Not much talking. His smiles and kisses... and well naked kissing too- are all I need. Words... I don't need a bunch of words. I KNOW he loves me. I know this. I felt it in his touch and his kiss and I saw it in his eyes and yes he did recently even tell me probably because he could sense I was on the edge, badly on the edge. I appreciate it. I love him for that. For doing what he has to. For sticking with me. I love him so so much for sticking with me. Yet I already know he loves me. He showed me back when we dated and love like that lasts forever.
But my word do I miss him and his wonderful kisses. James is such a good kisser, so sweet and wonderful. Passionate and loving. Really how many forty-year adults do you know who meet and just sit around kissing date after date in an empty house with all the privacy they need to get it on? I LOVE that he loved simply kissing me. He was such a gentleman and it is one of the reasons why I can't forget him. Because of those kisses. They were not just "foreplay." Those kisses were EVERYTHING. Between us our kisses were as good as making love, and then making love was like fabulous. Just so close and wonderful and perfect, ugh- but the kissing was just as good. I swear to God. And he was content to only kiss me. He looked forward to kissing me. He was excited to come over JUST to be near me and kiss me, nothing more. THAT means the world to me but it also means that our kisses were to him too like crack, addictive, blissful, like a drug. He loved kissing me and I know he misses my kisses too. I know he does and I wish we could kiss now. I miss his kisses. I don't really want to "talk" to him. I want him back in my arms to kiss, forever. I don't need a bunch of words. Instead I want to feel his arms around me holding me close and kissing me. Nuzzling my nose like he did, smiling at me so close. He'd look into my eyes and smile with our lips almost touching and it made me melt. I love him so much. He made me laugh by gazing into my eyes. Kissing me more. He'd smile and take my face in his hands and kiss me. Like he had to kiss me. Like he could not wait to kiss me!
Heaven to me would be being able to kiss James whenever I wanted. Always. Every day. I want him at my disposal to kiss always, forever. In the morning, after work, lunch dates, before bed, in bed... and kisses good morning. I want to kiss him always and forever. I miss our wonderfully special kisses. Those sweet kisses.
Yeah, I don't need a whole bunch of talking. Pillow talk, yeah maybe. But those kisses. I NEED to kiss him. I ache to kiss him. I'd give anything to kiss James again, forever.
I think I am going to stay off the blog for a while.
I don't want to give the impression I am not grateful for the good things in my life. I really am grateful. I try to remember to be thankful for my sweet child and my home and my income and the fun we have and the loving friends and family who surround me. I AM grateful, honestly. This is one reason why I know I must stop drinking- I have too many good things in my life to mess myself up with drinking. I understand that. I really do.
Still I have not felt this level of sadness in a while and I don't know what to do about it except maybe keep it to myself? I am sad because I had this wonderful person in my life and I want him back. I love him so much and want him in my life. I miss James. I miss him so much that my heart aches all the time and really what more is there for me to say here?
I am confused right now. Torn between it is time to put on my "big girl panties" and just get over it, tough love, or else to realize I am hurting and understand it and have empathy for myself? I dreamed last night very vividly of watching a woman jump to her death; she jumped from this high thing in the air to kill herself and I was thinking that I did not want PJ to see her, that I hoped he did not see her dead on the ground. I have been feeling very down, like it would be easier to not be human any more- and I know I should not have those thoughts. I have my child and my life. I don't mean it. I am just feeling very down, and honestly I don't want to feel this way. I am not sure why I had the dream though? Is it my guidance trying to give me a sign? But what sign? Should I feel ashamed of myself and my sadness? Today my roommate said she felt two days ago that I was having suicidal thoughts but she didn't know how to mention it to me, that she "felt" it even though I did not say anything. I dunno. I don't know why I feel like this. I am not blaming anyone. I am not "mad."
I have a friend who is a twin soul. I told her I was hurting. I did not tell her I am mad or anything because I am not mad. I just feel down, more than usual. I also told her I am really going to work hard to not drink any more. I know it is bad for me. Then I had that dream last night and this morning she wrote to me and told me basically that I am ungrateful and need to humble myself. So I now feel even more like a pile of shit, like I am being thankless. I don't mean to be ungrateful. I just feel really tired.
So I wish you all well. I, of course, will be back but I feel like I need a break. To cry and beg God and miss him and love him in private. I will try to write on my own, in my journal, although I am having a hard time with that too. What I really wish is to wake up tomorrow and not feel this sadness and missing. I am tired of writing and focusing and shifting. I am so ready for him to be back with me. So I am having a hard time putting pen to page right now. I don't even know what to say: the more I think of him the more I miss him and the more I ache.
I wish he was back in my life like we were before. That's what I want more than anything. To have my sweet loving kind friend and boyfriend back in my arms and this time to stay FOREVER.
There is no way for me to write here and have it be positive with how deeply I ache right now. Better to say nothing at all than express my sadness and restlessness.
I hope you are all well. I hope wherever James is that he is okay too. My wish for him is for life to treat him well.
Just wish me luck on staying sober and being as strong as I can be. Right now I feel only strong enough to care about me, my life, my needs, my wants, my heart, my mental, physical and emotional health, my sanity, my son, and to keep my twin soul in my heart loved and protected.
It is hotter than balls out and I'm stuck by a train. But I have to smile because it is the RR crossing where James kissed me one night. "Train kiss!" he said with his huge smile and he turned and kissed me SO big. And hot. And sweet. I remember James as always smiling. I can't imagine him not smiling.
"This Kiss" by Faith Hill is playing. Yep. Our kisses are perfect. I would be happy to kiss him forever!
This song above, I was reminded of it today and if I could choose only one song to explain how I feel about James then this is the song. Every single word explains how much I adore him and feel he is perfect, irreplaceable to me. It is such a beautiful song. A love song.
And now "I'm Going to Love You Like I'm Going to Lose You" is on the radio. This is another one of those songs that makes me have to swallow hard. I imagine James being back with me and how hard I would love him, lol. I already appreciate him but I really don't think there would be another man on earth being loved as deeply as I will love him when he is back in my life again.
I know I write a lot that I miss James and wish we could be together again "in real life." And I do. I love him and miss his presence in my life. Very much. As a matter of fact I feel there are things I need to focus on privately so the blog might be a little more quiet for a while. I've said pretty much all I can say here, for now.
Please don't think I under-value the depth of my soul connection I share with him though. I understand and appreciate the unique connection I have with James, and yes it is unique. This man has stuck with me in whatever way he could for three years. And he is still here. He may not yet be here in my arms but he will be. But he is in my heart always.
I do believe our twin souls are a gift to be treasured. The connection is divine and Heaven-sent. YES it can hurt sometimes and those are the times when I ask God "Why me?" but all the while I'm asking I still know I have created every part of this that I have not liked.
Love is the foundation of twin soul relationships. Unconditional love and I know that is what me and James have for each other, unconditional love. When I'm asked the question "What makes you most happy? What is your bliss?" the honest answer to that is I have never been more blissfully joyful in my life than I was with James. Knowing him. Talking with him. Being close and connected with him. That is my truth. I own that truth.
My soul rejoiced when I was near James. I felt at peace yet inflamed at the same time. All was right in my world when we were together. LOVE is the best thing on earth. LOVE. And yes often we fall in love with one strong unique romantic partner and suddenly life is transformed from "happy" to ecstatic. Rapturous... and you would be hard-pressed to achieve that state all alone. Strong strong love shared with another wonderful human being is the best thing on earth.
That love is a gift from God.
As I was drifting off last night I had a thought about self-love, self-improvement, releasing our fears and negative attachments, etc. And I'm being very human, real and honest about this. I think sometimes when we are totally alone we just do not have the motivation to improve or get healthy or leave an unhappy situation or heal ourselves or think good thoughts so we can manifest a happy life. Alone with no one we love is often no motivation. Sad but true. It is human nature. Alone means drinking yourself to death because who cares anyway? Alone means staying in the shitty marriage because you feel so low- why even try?
Sometimes we just do not "love ourselves" enough to find us and us alone as the sole motivation for bettering ourselves or our lives. Maybe "spiritual teachings" preach that we should be all we need but maybe, just like any other preaching, that looks great on paper but is hard to live.
Sometimes, often times, we need something more to live for. Often this is a child or someone we fall madly in love with. A burning undying love that we feel we cannot live without. A love we do actually love more than even ourselves. A love we would do ANYTHING for. A love we would face down our largest demons for. A love we would end an unsatisfying marriage for. A love we would become clean and sober for.
A love we would actually fully accept and surrender to the existence of a divine power showing us that we are actually creating our own existences... because without surrendering or learning or applying we would stay apart from that love, a non-option.
Sometimes that love becomes THE main reason why we are finally "forced" to change for the better- because we honestly find someone we love "more than life itself." A reason for living.
This is why I do believe that no matter the pain which comes from the healing, my twin soul is a treasure to me. James... I did not expect him. I did not k ow what or who he was when I met him although he swept me off my feet like no other love ever has. He is my beautiful angel and I knew it then too. James is so very special to me. We have been through much more than I have shared here on this blog. I feel he has walked through his own fire for me. Because he had to show me things I did not really want to see but I had to, and he never let me down. James is always in my heart. He is my everything. He is my gift from God and yes I cherish him. He is precious to me.
Yes I love myself too but I adore my twin soul. I really do. Only a man as loving and wonderful as he is special enough to motivate me to walk this journey like I have. Without James being James I would have given up long ago. Only the fact that he is SO loveable and I can't forget how amazing he is, to the point where yes I'll do anything to bring him into my world, keeps me focused.
I woke with the song "Woman in Love" in my head.
I am a woman in love and I'll do anything to get you into my world... yep. That is what real strong true love does to a person. Cleanses you. Pushes you. Inspires you to go farther than you ever thought possible. LOL why do you think LOVE is the motivator God uses for us? Because for many like me- it is truly the one and only thing we absolutely cannot turn away from. The one precious aspect of life we are not willing to sacrifice or give up on.
Good call, God. God knows me better than I know myself by far. Definitely brought me the one thing I'm not willing to give up on. I have been shown this is up to me. Either I can focus and manifest properly to allow this love into my life or I can give up. Giving up is not an option, not when I love James as much as I do. He is my dream come true and I love him with all of my heart.
Yes James is the man who is the definition of love for me.
Right now it is 7:09 PM and my son is already sleeping. He had a melt down at the YMCA today and when I picked him up he was still upset and his red sleepy eyes screamed "overtired!!" and when PJ is overtired he gets so super emotional. And he was starving because they had really small snack-like meals today and he is getting huge. He is like 60 pounds now, big boy, and he often eats more than me! So I brought him home and made him two tuna and cheese melty wraps with steamed broccoli and he gobbled it up then it was potty, teeth brushed and unwind in bed time. And he fell asleep in my arms before 7 PM in like three minutes. I know my kid. He needs a few extra hours of sleep tonight and tomorrow he should be fine. But he is just so sweet.
So I mentioned in my last blog post that James contacted me on Saturday. Often I kinda keep this stuff to myself but I'll share here. I freaked out and text him just I love you and miss you. And I had my phone in my hand and right after I text it started ringing and it was him and I almost pooped. No I was too shocked to even do that. I think I answered and said "Yeah?"
Keep in mind I love this guy like I've loved no other man ever. Or could imagine loving anyone. Like to the moon and back. And I have only heard his voice once in over two years. So to hear his voice was like I had to pinch myself to make sure I was not still sleeping.
It was a short message and that is okay. I'm aware enough of the journey to know I get what I need and he must have known I was... feeling very lonely and trying so hard. But slipping a bit, and I don't want to go backwards. I love him so much. I want to get through this.
So I heard his sweet voice. And I about melted after almost passing out from shock! His message was kind. It gave me hope to stay focused. It was HIM- his sweet loving warm tender gentle voice.
Gah. Did I mention I love his voice?! I can still remember how he sounds, cute sweet voice!! We used to talk for hours and his voice is a major turn on. Sweet and sexy both but on Saturday all I could do was say okay and that was it.
I miss him. And his sweet voice. I'm laying here in bed being totally lazy while my son sleeps and I'm imagining James' adorable voice and thinking about how we used to talk and laugh together for ages, and how I would love to hear him laugh again.
I still have the videos he took of us kissing. And in one of them he sneaked a peek at the camera and we both laughed and although I have not watched those videos in a long time I can recall perfectly his cute kinda goofy laugh. It makes me smile and melt and cry a little all at the same time.
I do love James so very much. He is easy to love. I was not expecting to get a call from him. It was so nice to hear his voice again. And it was a much-welcome message to hear words that show me to please hang in there. I know he can only say so much but it was enough, and kind and reassuring. Like asking me to to keep believing. To not give up.
My sweetheart. I love everything about you. You make my heart melt.
Yeah I'm a dork. I saw this meme yesterday and it made me smile. This is the shit I post on FB, this and stuff about my son.
Tee hee. That's very me. I am kind of a nerd. But the "Walking in Memphis" video, that is from my most favorite episode of "The X-Files" ever called The Postmodern Prometheus. It takes place in Indiana and is so hilarious. Tounge-in-cheek, surreal and just totally over the top. The episode is done in black and white and the dance scene at the end with Scully and Mulder seals the deal for me. Many fans love this episode, and in it the "monster" is just lonely. He does not have a mate and it makes him sad. Of course. Of course it does. My MA thesis was about "The X-Files" and its use of postmodern theory, "pastiche" {which this new show "Stranger Things" uses too} and conspiracy theory {which I also totally go into dork-mode over} but I compared it to written works of literature since it was for my degree in English but luckily for me Purdue was pretty cool about letting me write what I wanted as long as it made some sense and had a plausible "thesis statement" which it did. Writing, I told you, lol. It is my life line.
I'm sad. I bawled all of my makeup off on the way to work while this old song played. "The Things We Do for Love." Right. The things we do for love.
I miss James so much. I am totally besides myself and I feel like I am totally losing my mind. I wish I knew the magic formula to bring him back now. Like twitching my nose Samantha-style or waving my magical wand or standing on my head while singing "The National Anthem" or whatever. As long as it does not include roller skating because I never did learn to skate. I'm uncoordinated to a fault. Skating parties were Hell for me as a kid.
Ugh. Seriously? I don't know what to do with myself. Nothing helps. Not reading. Not watching TV. Not meditating. Only sleeping, lol. When I sleep I shut off, and I don't dream a whole lot. I have always wondered why I don't dream very much when I used to ALL the time before I this all happened. Sometimes I dream but they are rare dreams, and I've only dreamed of James a handful of times. A couple dreams of us together, little snippets. He did kiss me once in a dream. Another time he was with me at a family party. I was getting cake, ha big surprise, and he was talking with someone in my family. OH how I want that to be true. I want to bring him to Christmas with me. My family would love him.
I know how I sound. Fairly obsessed, right? Well I am not "obsessed." I am in love. And James once told me that I am his obsession so I don't feel bad to feel so strongly for him. I know he feels similarly. Even when he can't show me I still know he thinks of me and misses me and loves me. I know I don't share a lot on this blog when I hear from him or what he says and I do that for a reason. Because often when James reaches out to me it is more as a sign than to be taken at face value. All I can really share here is I DO hear from him, maybe just not how my poor little heart wants to right this very minute. Right this very minute I want to be sitting on his lap kissing his face off. Or being able to call him or text him, like before. An easy exchange. But it is not like that, not right this minute although that is what I want. It is what I wish for. I ache to have James back in my life like I had him when we met. I want that more than I want... air. And I am not willing to give up on what I dream of even if it means aching through not having it- because I believe he will be back with me. I believe that because I do hear from him, and I feel that as I work to shift my energy, intention, how I feel, etc. then he really can come closer and show me the love he has for me. It is always what I have "felt" but I could not put it into play. Now I am trying SO hard to be as careful as I can. Am I perfect? Nope. My number one problem is frustration over not having him in my life how I want him right now. Like right this moment. I miss him so much that it makes me nuts and I ache and I don't want to ache- I just want him back.
But here is some brutal honesty. Saturday I heard from him. Shocked me senseless. I feel lucky because on Saturday I really let myself fall into stupid anger and this is so embarrassing but part of it is because I was drinking. Early. Did not have PJ and I get so sad. It is stupid and shameful. I had a lot to do at home and I did get a lot done in my yard but I was irritated and missing him and hurting and going over shit in my head and I got upset with everything like being alone, etc. So I had one of my little fits, flipping off the universe and saying "fuck you" to whoever was listening. Then I went in the house and fell asleep. Or maybe half way passed out and woke a couple hours later totally disoriented and hungry and feeling majorly assholish. AND I vaguely recalled writing an email to James so I sheepishly checked my mail but no I did not send it. Carefully I deleted what I had written (churlish bullshit) and went out to do errands but I was still aching SO BADLY. Well long story short I heard from him and I'm lucky and very thankful. It was short but I think it showed me to please hold on. Please keep balanced. Please keep believing. Please stay focused on truth and please don't backside because he can only come as close as I allow him to. And guess what? Drunk and angry and stupid is not the energy my union needs. So I feel like I can see why there is still quiet... and I gotta stay strong! But still I do miss my sweet wonderful dear Love. I miss him a lot. The ache and yearning is strong. He was kind to me though and I'm thankful for that.
My other friend who has a twin soul, it is different for her. But she told me she can understand. Like she said to me, "Maybe just read a book or something?" And I have to laugh since that book I wanted to escape in not long ago started with the word "James" written four times on the first page. On the FIRST page. The main character was thinking his name, "James, James, James" and I was reading that thinking... great. Nice distraction. Not. Ugh. I told her it is impossible for me to "forget" or push it away unless I am sleeping. I just cannot do it. Literally it is impossible for me to not think about him or want him back or miss him or feel this overwhelming love for him and ache for him all the time. Not something I would readily share in mixed company since I don't want people to think I am unbalanced but it IS how I feel inside.
And yes it is exhausting. I DO live my life but he is always there somewhere in my mind. I just ordered my son a pool and hope to put it up tomorrow. And I can tell you the entire time I am pulling up the old astroturf on this wooden thingy I have in my backyard to replace it with the new stuff I gotta buy and staple down- James will STILL be on my mind. Yeah, I know. Please understand there is just no stopping it and it has been like this since he has been gone. I can't even explain it. I just know it is out of my control so I've never tried to fight it; it would hurt more to attempt to block him out, and I don't want to anyway. So yes he is always on my mind, and in my heart. I love him.
I just try to keep myself as happy as possible. Because if not I might just... lose it. This is why I am so lucky to have my son. I am lucky to have my child. I can cuddle with him and spend time with him and he is my buddy. But that makes me think of James- and it is not fair really. I wish we could be together. He should not be alone either, and I want to be with him. ME. Do you understand? He should not be alone either but I want him with ME. James loves being in a relationship. He explained that to me- he... likes commitment. He likes having someone special in his life, and OMG I want that to be me. I want us to be together, me and James. I feel like we are meant to be together, like I am the one for him and he is the one for me- so yes it is why I am here following this "experience" and focusing and TRYING because I feel in my heart we are supposed to be together. I heard a song yesterday and the lyrics are saying, "You are meant for me." And that is how I feel- like I am meant for him. Not someone else, only him. I don't want another lover or close male friend or some other man to even talk to or have dinner with or go for a walk with. I only want James, and I feel he wants me too. I miss my Love so much.
Maybe it is because I believe it now more than ever so it hurts even more to be away from him. Before when I was more scared- it felt much different. Now I feel like... we are not meant to be apart so I want him back, badly. He is supposed to be with me, with us. That is how I feel. And yes the ache, that pull, this "knowing" kind of hurts. It is a sensation I can't really explain but it is not comfortable. I know I know- just know he's coming back and be patient, but I can't. That is so not me. I'm not patient. It's been too long. I miss him. I want to hug him and hold him and kiss him.
I want to talk to my friend and love again. Like REALLY talk. Like human beings talk, on earth! Reciprocated. Where he says hi, reaches out to me, and then I get all excited and hopeful and say hi back... and then we actually keep in touch. God, please. A conversation. A real, honest, genuine truthful conversation. I pray for that every day. I want to talk to James again like we used to talk. My GOD I want it to be normal again. Like when we first dated, before I knew about twin souls and mirroring and and forums and videos and this BLOG- I want that time back. Beautiful wonderful blissful love... that is our natural state and I know that. It was real and honest and genuine and GOOD- he called it "healthy" and real. During this time apart he said that. He said what we had was real and healthy and good. And that we'd probably be living together... happy. We were happy together. That is what just kills me inside, and probably what not many people understand. We were very very happy together. Content and excited to see each other and so happy in each others presence. And I knew it was not only on my end; he felt the same way. He would text me at 2:30 and ask me, "Is it 4PM yet? I'm antsy. I miss my love. I can't wait to see you." And when he did see me he'd be so happy. And I could tell. Like he'd been looking forward to seeing "His love."
He called me "His love." And that never ended. THAT is what other "twin souls" {people going through this strange experience} freak out about- and you don't "get it" unless you've been through it. NOTHING HAPPENED. Nothing changed. That love did not end or go anywhere. It is like it is still out there but it is not often shown yet I still feel it. I still know he loves me. And God knows I love him. It was perfect between us. I am a smart woman. And it was perfect between us. The best relationship EVER. I often talk about how sweet and good he is but I am sweet and good too and I know he loved my love too. James loved being loved by me because I love hard too. I am sweet and kind and gentle and good and I made him feel good. I know he did not want to leave MY love and I know he misses me, and has missed me.
I just know it. And I want him and his sweet love back in my life. I feel unsettled. It does not feel good, and I can't help that. And yes it is like I am living in my own private little world because I have to "be normal" and face the world and be human... but I feel like a huge important part of me is missing. Or maybe not a part of ME but something very very important to me, or someone super important is missing, as important as my own child, and I can't feel normal until he is back. This situation is not normal. There are no right words for it. I think only someone going through this, for certain, could possibly understand. Anyone not going through this, never experiencing "separation," could know how I feel right now. I know we love each other. That I know is real and right.
I just miss him more than words can explain and I feel like I am going out of my head. I love him so much and I need him back. He belongs with me. We are meant to be together. So it does not feel "right" at this time, without him. It does not feel right. Hence why I'll do what I have to I'm order to clear myself out more and more, whatever it takes.
Oh, I miss you my friend. I love you and I miss you SO much.
Ugh. My heart is ready to explode. I know I can't really expect anyone to understand what I am experiencing. This is why I blog. I get tired of writing in my journal. Typing is easier. And it may sound stupid but I don't feel so alone writing here. My one twin soul friend has went weirdly quiet and I feel like we are not really supposed to be talking much right now. And what can I say? I miss him. I love him. He's wonderful- I feel those things but I can't really express them to people. Luckily my BFF Beverly understands how much I love and miss James so she knows how I feel inside even if I don't say it. She knows it's a good thing for me to come hang out sometimes so I'm not always alone when my son is with his dad. I get tired of being alone yet there are not many people for me to hang around with, and I don't go out much. So... I write here. I have found that for me writing it like breathing. I have to write. Don't ask me why. It gets everything out I guess.
Today I had the thought on my lunch of going to this nearby park for a walk. It would be a quick walk since my lunch was half over already. Then I thought of my mom and was like, "Oh yeah mom said she has a busy week but maybe we can get together for lunch this week." Then I went to the park and as I was getting out of my car I saw this woman walking towards me and it was my mom. And her friend. And they were going to a walk too.
So then I said, "Yeah this is a great park. I've seen deer here. A little one walked up to me before." And right then my mom's friend said, "Oh look at the deer!" and there stood a little deer. My mom's friend said to me, "See? You said it and now there is the deer."
Yeah well I thought of my mom and three minutes later she was there too.
Obviously I'm being reminded that I'm a manifestor, and I get it. Really I do. I manifest. Fine. Good. Wonderful. Seriously, not being facetious or anything. I'm aware of it and I've accepted it and I am trying to work with it to the best of my ability. I'd like to create a happy life. A HAPPY peaceful joyful life filled with love.
I love James. And I know he loves me. He is the only man I want in my life. James. My sweet loving kind boyfriend. That's kind of how I still think of him, my boyfriend in my heart. I have not moved on. I don't want to. I love him with my entire heart and soul and I want him. But I want him NOW. I feel like we should be together, are meant to be together. I DO believe he loves me. I KNOW he does. He recently told me again that he loves me, wants me in his life, and he told me "Accept that."
I do accept it and I am doing whatever I can, energetically, to support accepting his love for me, knowing what a good man he is, owing "truth." I just love him so much.
I also realize that I've had to do the "metaphysical clean up" and energy work in order to clear things up between us, and I still need to be supportive in my energy but man I miss James. I love him and I ache for him and I want him with me, in my life. Right now. I wish he was with me now, if not actually here with me in my presence then at least in my life, in communication with me, like before. Silly and loving and kind and exciting and buddies and lovers- all mixed together. He is the best boyfriend ever. When we dated he was a forty year-old man but together it felt like we were kids again, laughing and sharing and having a grand ole' time. Yes we had serious talks too but life is short- who needs to be totally serious all the time? We were serious about each other. Committed, defined "relationship" and talking marriage, but we had a really good fun time together. Knowing James made life very very fun and enjoyable.
Blissful really.
And I am so ready to know him again like I did then. TRUTH. I guess I'm just a wee but frustrated because I love him so much and I do know he is a really good person. I believe in James. I trust him. He is my twin soul and he loves me and I know he misses me like I do him. I understand this has been me seeing what I manifest. I get it. I GET IT. But I also know something. I know that the angel of a man I met three years ago is James, only James, always has been James. And I want that man back in my life. And I will not feel settled or right or content or truly happy until he's in my life again. I need to know him again. I need James in my life. I miss him with my entire heart and soul. I feel like my best friend is missing.
It is just not a good feeling and I can't really explain it but I am antsy. I am smiling and saying hello and acting normal but inside I'm not truly peaceful. I love him and miss him so much and it's like... I am so ready to know my sweet dear kind friend again. I want him now!
Is that impatience? Maybe but I never claimed to be a patient person, and I've never really asked for patience. I am not certain patience is a real virtue. Yeah it's okay to have patience in waiting for a fun trip or the like but really when you want something badly why should you have huge amounts of patience? Just go get it. Work hard and get it. Make it fucking happen. Who wants to wait around being patient? If you wanna lose weight the kick it hardcore and lose the weight. If you wanna adopt a baby then do all of the work necessary and pray your ass off that the baby comes quickly- yes certain things we don't always have control over, adopting a child. Waiting for a kidney- and then we must have patience but a whole Hell of a lot of prayer works good too. Imagining that baby you want so badly, daydreaming about all the things you will do once you are healthy with the new kidney. If you want the dream job you gotta go looking for it. Patience does not mean sitting on your butt doing nothing and trying to deal with not having what you want. I guess patience means just trying to be as tempered and normal as you can while you work hard for it, even trying to manifest what you want since, in my life experience, I've been shown that my energy work does more good than my 3D workings.
So I am here trying to do my energy work but I have to tell you I am just really want him back. In all ways. I wish he was back with me. In contact with me. I wish we could talk together. I want my friend in my life. I have other friends and I can just call those friends or text them and BAM they respond and we talk and plan and yeah. I want that with him again. I want it to flow smoothly, easily. I know James loves talking to me. Even when we met a couple months ago he said to me {oh the irony} "And yeah I do love talking to you." Well- he does. I know he does. We could not get enough of each other, and I knew he felt the same about me. He always contacted me. He said he hated saying good night or good bye, and that was after the "change" happened. But I know that is truth. I know what truth is, and maybe that is why I probably seem really fucking looney tunes to anyone reading my blog right now. Because I KNOW what truth is. I know he loves me very much. I know he loves talking with me, and he wants to talk with me. I know he is a total sweetheart. Adorable inside and out. James has the most wonderfully cute personality. Sweet- I can imagine my son being a lot like James when he grows up. James is brilliant, aware and very personable and friendly. I could talk with him about anything, and we talked for hours and hours. Into the wee hours of the morning. And then when I would try to hang up he'd say, "No no- just five more minutes."
I remember his smile and his cute little walk. I remember holding his hand and looking at each other and smiling while we walked and talked. I love his smile, and his voice. I love his voice and I'd love to talk with him again. Forever.
So maybe this is all I can do right now to stay sane. Write here. Think. Imagine. Love him in my energy. I can't do nothing because nothing does not feel good {and when I try to do something like read to relax and escape I'm given reminders of him anyway} so this is it for now.
Oh and not drink. Really. Like a glass of wine is okay {and I don't want to drink the whole bottle or anything} but damn it's the hard liquor that gets me. That lonely missing aching feeling makes me want to drink which is so ridiculous because I already KNOW I won't feel any better. I'll feel worse. I know this. I am a smart woman {most of the time} and I know this. Ugh. When I drink I am way more prone to getting angry and pissy and frustrated, ego fits. And it makes me feel like shit. Just gross. And stupid and weak too BTW. I just need to be done now. And only I can do it. Yeah I'd love some moral support from a "companion" but it's kinda obvious to me that for now I have to work on this myself. Gosh I wish I did have a spouse, my husband, that person to turn to. I wish, you know, that James was my significant other and I had him in my life so I was not lonely and it would be much much easier to not want to drink then. That would be wonderful. But there are reasons why he has not been here, beyond me drinking, so it is no excuse. I'm tired of feeling like shit. I have to be stronger now, like right now. I feel so much better after I'm sober for a few days. Sometimes I hate alcohol, and I hate that my fucking genes are hardwired towards addictive tendencies but I am working on it. I hate that there are like fifty liquor stores within a ten mile radius of me including grocery stores and Walgreens. It is frustrating because it's sickening to me- and I do dumb shit after I've been drinking. I always have to pick up my phone and cringe while I check the sent folder in my e-mail to see what ridiculous emails I may or may not have sent James when I've been drinking, plus a few other things I probably may not have done had I been totally sober. I definitely lose track of my good sense when I drink, and I get- what is the word? I make rash decisions. I can't think of the word. Impulsive! Yes, I get impulsive. I've always been a little bit wired that way but when I drink it's like I'm so ready to throw caution to the wind... it is one reason why I avoid going out and drinking, like at the bar. I just lose good sense, and alcohol affects me strongly and quickly. I'd rather be home and drunk writing stupid emails to James than out and drunk doing God knows what with God knows who and then wanting to kill myself later. And I can avoid all of that by not drinking at all, home or out! I'm better than that, stronger. I know. So I am a bit irritated with myself, and it is something I can work on while I am holding on in my heart and reminding myself to be the best mom I can be which means no drinking hard liquor. I'm just so sick of this now. And I mean drinking. I am tired of it.
I really do love James. I know I'll see him again. I just hope it can be soon. I miss my Love, my "One."
I spent part of this past weekend binge-watching the Netflix show "Stranger Things." 1) I have never binge-watched a show before. 2) I rarely watch any TV or videos at all so this was a real treat.
I guess when you live a life that feels like "The X-Files" it can be hard to be entertained since half of my life feels like fiction. I don't watch much TV, well I don't have cable but I do have Internet and Netflix. As a matter of fact right now I am watching Scully sing "Jeremiah Was A Bullfrog" to Mulder as they sit overnight in the forest hiding out from a monster. Good stuff. I've always preferred the paranormal, ever since I was a child and wrote my first "spooky story" in the second grade. No big surprise the turn my life has taken!
But this weekend I was totally hooked by "Stranger Things." It was awesome. I watched the last four episodes at my BFF's house, Beverly. She is the one I watched season ten of "The X-Files" with earlier this year; we had weekly dates where I went to her house and we watched together. "Stranger Things" takes place in small town Indiana in the 80s. We would have been about the same age as the kids in the show, and it was a great throwback.
One thing about it, though, that really got to me is the mother in the show. Her son goes missing and she feels he is communicating with her through weird electrical things that are happening in her home. To anyone else she appears to be losing her damn mind but SHE knows she is sane. She knows somehow her son is "talking" to her from somewhere else, and she is damn determined to save him. She tears her home apart, stops eating and sleeping, denies the body when they pull it out of the water, and in the end it turns out she was right all along.
The adamant behavior she expresses while everyone is telling her she's nuts is how I used to feel about my twin soul journey. It is one reason why I stopped trying to explain anything about James. Lucky for me a few people, like my fellow paranormal-loving BFF Beverly, believe me fully. Bev can't wait to meet James. She wants him to come back. Now. Like I do. But this mom in the show, I could totally relate to her. She is unwilling to give up on finding her son because she knows he is out there, and we will do anything for those we truly love. That is how I've felt in this twin soul journey. Yes sometimes I have longed for some normalcy. To talk to a man or go on a date where it feels "normal" again. Like, if I were to text a new man I might meet- I know he's gonna text me back. I know there won't be any of this crazy quiet and I would be able to feel totally human and "3D" for a while. So there have been some times when I've strayed off in my focus and my energy but I've always come back or been pulled back and overall I've spent three years pretty well focused on James. How to work through this. What to believe. How to overcome my fears. Letting go of illusion and fully BELIEVING that any of this is possible. That I could be so "connected" on an energetic {or soul} level with another human being as I am with him. I know we love each other, for sure, but it goes way beyond that. Something out there speaks to me very clearly, and signs abound. And then there is James, a man who always knows what I am thinking {and I don't understand how it happens.} I just know he is my mirror. And my blog has only detailed a fraction {and I do mean a fraction} of what I have experienced with him. It is so otherworldly that I can't explain it. But like this mom in "Stranger Things" I KNOW what I am experiencing is real. Even though it seems very unreal. To the average human being with believes only what she can see or hear or touch... my experience would seem like fiction. I get it.
But I know. And I love James so much that I am willing to believe in something so fully that I have just surrendered to it. It seems unreal. I can't explain it. I don't recall asking for this strange situation. I really don't. I mean I know we are told that we asked for it on some other level but I only recall asking for a man who "loves like I do" my "one true love" and I created a very specific list of characteristics I hoped for in this man, my very strongest most special soul mate love. And then I met James and he floored me because he WAS this man.
But... I went back through my journals and stuff and I could not find the place where I asked for a "full spiritual mirror" and "reflection" and "silence" and "manifestation" all the rest. Hm... not sure where all that came from but it did not come from "human being Jen."
Well, then again. I've always been enthralled with anything and all "spooky" and I did delve into ritual and manifestation but more on a whim. Yes, a whim. I only maybe 15% it could be real. I had NO idea, none. But maybe me poking around in all of that opened me up to this. Who knows. All I know if I was told over and over by my guidance that I have strong energy and powerful love, and I was warned often to "watch my thoughts" and believe in love and ignore my fears.
I didn't listen though. I had a hard time even believing I was being spoken to. But I never ever EVER fully believed that MY OWN thoughts and energy {and fears and disbelief and doubt} were creating stuff in my life. Never. Not until certain things started happening with James where I'd write something down or literally shout something out the the universe and then James would "become" or "enact" what I'd written or said did I finally start pausing and going.... wait a minute. Could this possibly be true?
*sigh* And here I am today. Feeling like the mother from "Stranger Things." Knowing I am experiencing a really "different" existence mixed in with the regular ole' mundane every day go to work, make dinner, do laundry, wipe my son's butt when he has a really bad poop... has been a challenge but now it is pretty much my normal. It is my truth, my reality. And yes. I love James very much no matter if we have not been "together" "in real life." I love him so very much that I am willing to believe in what I formerly would not have believed in, and try my absolute best to listen to my guidance even though 99.9% of anyone else out there would advise me opposite of what my guidance has. In this show she is willing to do anything to be with her son, and I feel the same way about James. He is who I want so I'll do what I feel I have to so we can be together again. I've never wanted anything more, ever.
I do hear from James, my love. I am shown that focusing on love is the best option. I hope that with my loving energy and focus on truth James will be able to come back to me, and soon. Because I love him and miss him more than I can explain. I want nothing more than to be with him, share life and love with him every day for always. I love him so much.
"Stranger Things," right? I hope James watched this show. He'd like it. It reminded me of him as I watched since we both grew up in the 80s, only hours apart. I wish I could talk with him about it because it's a good mixture of the paranormal, science, Indiana and the 80s. And monsters- and who doesn't like a good monster show?
There are no words for me to really explain how challenging it is to want, so badly, to speak with someone "in real life" and be unable to do so for whatever reason. Like, yeah, I get it- there is SOME reason... but I don't really care. I care that I want to talk to James again like I did before, freely. Laughing and joking and sharing and really enjoying each others company, even if it is over the phone or email. We loved talking to each other. And I miss that with him, just him, SO much. There is no one I want to talk with more than James. Nothing can change that for me.
This song says "It's only a heart beat away." It is about loving someone who is not with you, thinking of him or her with love, imagining their touch and kiss. That is how I feel about James but still I miss him so very much. No matter how confident I feel that one day we will be together again I want that moment to be NOW. Now. I wish he could come back right now. I have never wanted anything more than I want James here in my life. Or my God I want us to be back in communication again. Together. Talking. I LOVE him so much.
Patience means holding on to what you love, holding on to your dreams, while you walk the journey. While you work hard. And that is where I am. I want to get this done now. I am holding on to him. James is who I want in my life. James. There is no one else out there as special to me as he is and he is the man I want, who I'm meant for. I wish we were already married and happily living together, sharing life. I wish I was waking up to his sweet smile and warm loving voice each morning. James has the sweetest voice- he even sounds kind.
I feel like this has not been easy on either of us and I just wish we could hold each other now. I want to put my arms around him while he does the same to me so we can hug for a while. And kiss. I miss his sweet loving warm tender gentle kisses SO much. How he would smile and reach out to touch my face and move me to him for a kiss.
Every day that passes where I love him in my heart but he is not in my arms or in my life aches. I can't help it. I've always felt like this is up to me to bring forth or allow and I'm trying. But I wish I knew what to do in order to just bring him back right now. I want him in my life like he was before, now. I miss his sweet kind loving presence more than I can explain.
I miss my sweet scientist. My friend who exchanged fun informative videos with me all the time. Who joked with me and made me laugh. Who walked with me and talked with me. Who waited patiently for me, respecting my heart and my body. Who never pushed. Who paid attention to my child. James paid attention to PJ and wanted to be with us. I know he still wants to be with us. I miss him. I miss my sweetheart. He should be with me. We should be together. Together.
Yeah it still feels like I'm going out of my mind a bit. There have been signs showing me to keep working on my love and belief, focusing on truth. Love. But even with the signs, and I do appreciate the hope and warmth and signs, I still miss James. I love him and miss him every day. I'm antsy. Did not sleep well. I am thinking of him. I wish we could be together now. He is so lovely, such a blessing and gift. I miss my treasure. I know he loves me. I pray with all my might that we can be together again very soon. I need him. I need him in my life. I love him more than I could have ever imagined I'd love a man. All that really matters to me, besides my child, is being together again with James. I do clearly remember how do derfil and blissful it was being with him and I ache to have him and his sweet love back in my life. Ache deep in my heart. It's very challenging being apart. It hurts being away from him. I pray for the day when I can know him like I did before, loving and warm and kind- the sweet good man I know he is.
Oh my word. I am trying to avoid writing anything low-energy right now. I miss James so much that it is making me pretty well insane. And I know there is nothing much physically I can do about it. Just deal with it and love him as much as I can. I always have to remind myself that I put myself in this boat; I remember ages ago my guidance telling me I'd create my own "Hell on earth" if I didn't change my energy and what I was thinking and focusing on but I didn't understand and here I am, and it surely does not feel good.
I guess my question is now, how long do I have to be here? What do I have to do in order to experience, know, talk to, be with, enjoy, etc. the man I fell in love with? I want to talk to the man I fell in love with!!! I am a good loving person and all I want to do is share love with James, be with him, have a normal real-life relationship with him on earth. That is what *I* want. I want that. I want a happy good life with a husband and family. I want to be a mother and wife. I am tired of spirituality and all of that. I want a good happy loving life. With James. That is what I want.
I want to be and live and plant a garden and take walks and make dinner and go shopping and cuddle and travel, all together with James. Simple things like cooking dinner together. Or climbing into bed at night to talk quietly or make love and snuggle before going to sleep. I've been alone for so long and it is wearing on me. It is wearing on me. I am sad. I ache. I feel tested and I want to cry.
I am tired.
I want to be married and have a family now. I SO badly want to be happy. And I miss James. My heart actually hurts and I wish it didn't hurt. I wish I did not hurt. I wish this ache would go away.
I pray and wish and write and hope and dream but there is still this missing him, this ache. And in the mean time the fucker is I have no interest or passion in anything much else because I feel a little bit depressed. My son and I are going back to Disney in October and I think I am also going to plan a cruise for us in spring. Really really wish James could come with us one day. And I am trying very hard to not write anything terribly negative right now. I do not feel positive at all. I have an ache in my chest that I wish would fucking disappear now. I plan trips for me and PJ because it is fun and it takes my mind off things and it gives me something to look forward to. Life would be much easier if I did not have this ache inside me all the time. Really it would be. Life would be so much easier if James was part of my life again.
I wish I had romantic love in my life. I long for my companion, and yes I would love for that person to be James. Next week my son is going to the same fun play land that James took us. I have not been able to take my son back there since we were there with James. I would DIE. I would quite literally break the fuck down right in the middle of the play land to walk through feeding the baby alligators or mini golf knowing that he took us there but is not with me now. I told PJ that this morning- I will take PJ just about anywhere but that is one place we will not be going. My heart would not be able to handle remembering James walking around with us, spending time with us, and me feeling like I might finally be HAPPY. I thought for once in my life I was finally getting lucky, finally going to be happy, finally found the perfect fucking man- THE PERFECT MAN. A sweet man who loves me and respected me and cared about my feelings. A considerate man. An empathetic and kind man who was good to both me and my son. A man who took my responsibilities as a mother in stride and appreciated my role as mommy. He made time for me working with the fact that I am a mother. He never got irritated that I had to spend a lot of time at home so we did not get to "go out" a whole lot. No, instead he loved coming over just to hang out and be close and kiss me. He wanted to kiss me, loved kissing me, looked forward to kissing me. I met the best man for me, the best man. The man who feels like he was made for me.
And now he is not here, and I feel like I could literally die from the pain I feel, or else I feel like dying would be easier than living with this ache I feel day in and day out. It is an ache and a bittersweet blue hurt that I have to hide pretty much all of the time although once in a while it will sneak through when I don't want it to. I cry in my car a lot. It is some of my only private time, leaving from dropping off my child in the morning and then I bawl. Leaving work to go home and I can release all of my ache. But then there are the more inconvenient times like bursting into tears at the fucking pool because I am so tired of being without him and wishing he was with us. Seeing all of the families and couples and DADS breaks my heart. I can't help it. I want to be WITH him. WITH him. I am supposed to hold on to the hope of being with him, have faith, believe, manifest and think about what I WANT and I want to be WITH him, OMG- with him.
I am feeling down right now. And I have so much I have to do this weekend so tomorrow I have to wake and have energy no matter how down I may feel. My entire house {except for my kitchen because I gotta have a clean kitchen} is a mess and my yard looks like Hell and I AM OVERWHELMED. I want and need help. I need something to change for the better. So I can easily feel happiness. I want to be happy. Easily happy which means- free from heartache. I CANNOT be happy and be filled with heartache at the same time. It does not work like that!!!
I just wish I could be free from heartache and yet it's this vicious fucking circle because to be free from heartache I need to not miss James so much- but missing him never ends because I love him with all of my heart yet he is not here. I wish he could be back with me so I no longer missed him. I would not miss him if we were back together, and I wish we were. I can't HELP how I feel, and right now I feel terribly blue, down, sad, and full of heartache because he is not here and I wish he was and I love him and miss him so much.
See, I know what things I do or think or repeat that bring me a lot of pain. I'm working damn hard to avoid doing shit that I do not want reflected back to me. But at the same time I wish I could experience the James I know and love. The real James. The man I met and fell in love with and dated and kissed and held hands with and walked with and made love with. And laughed with. And talked to and shared readily with. The man I love and trust. The man I miss with all of my heart.
I did not ask to be a twin soul. I didn't. I want the love of my life back with me, my sweetheart, my dear friend and my love. My James. I want my sweet boyfriend back with me, that is what I want. YES yes yes yes- I want that romantic love, the riding off into the sunset together, dating and laughing and having a strong caring loving relationship together. It is what I loved and want more of, with him only.
Kissing. Lots and lots of sweet long dear intense loving kisses. That is what I love and want more of. And peace. I want peace and happiness too. I want the bliss and rapture my guidance told me about. I am ready for it. I felt that happiness when I was with James and I want it back. That time with James was wonderful, the best time of my life.
I have never heard this song before. It is from Pink. But it is such a good song. It says "Only love can build us a bridge of light." Really it does feel better to focus on love. I love The X-Files. LOL- I do though. They are my fave.
I managed to have a normalish e-mail conversation with James a while back, well quite a while back. And he wrote to me about The X-Files coming back for a season and he said, "I'm so excited!" and I thought to myself- he sounds like me. It was refreshing to talk to the man I know he is for a moment. He is... energetic. Buoyant. He makes me laugh because he was always making silly comments or saying something funny yet he is still mature. He is a man meaning he is not one of these man-children who act like immature boys. Yet he was youthful when I knew him. And it's always been a blessing to "feel" that from him here and there.
"I miss him" is something I write on here often but I don't think anyone can really understand what I mean when I say "I miss him." What I actually mean is "I miss the man I knew, dated, kissed, made love with, laughed with, held hands with... the man who made me giggle" and I rarely giggle. I don't laugh enough. Might be why I love carnival rides so much- they make me laugh, all the spinning makes me feel like a child and helps me laugh. That is why I say being with James was "joyful." Because he did make me laugh. Like when he took me to Chicago on a date. He was so sweet, best date ever. We spent the evening walking through the city and he held my hand the whole night. At one point we were leaving a building through a revolving door but he came into my "slice" of the door and took me by surprise by kissing me. He is very expressive with affection. Not all "PDA" or anything yet he is not shy to hold hands or little kisses with other people around. When we were out in the street he chuckled and asked me, "Do I embarrass you?" Like he was asking me if his being silly and kissing me like that embarrassed me. But no, it made me laugh. A good laugh. And I told him no, he did not embarrass me at all. I said he was everything I'd ever asked for, and I meant it. He is everything I ever asked for, ever ever ever. I wondered why when I saw him he reminded me of the "boys" I had crushes on when I was younger. He really did! It was cute! Part of it is he looks young, and part of it just his boyish energy, that smile. My guidance called him "jovial" and that is so true. Jovial. Happy. Friendly. Funny. How could I NOT miss that? I do. I miss him so much. It is so hard to not remember him strongly and smile then cry. He was so sweet to me. Undeniably kind and caring and loving. To the point where I KNEW when things "changed" that something was not right. I knew it. I knew it immediately. I remember thinking... this can't be real.
Turns out it was not real. My intuition and heart was right. I've always known that James is the man I met on my 40th birthday, the one who wore the black Atheist t-shirt on our first date, and he looks very sexy in black. I was pretty much lost for words when I first saw him. Looking back I doubt I even made coherent conversation. I totally remember being kind of quiet. He did a lot of the talking. I was strangely shy at moment with him. He kind of overwhelmed me because he was just so perfect and it floored me. Yet I felt very comfortable with him, like he was already my good friend. And he was already my friend because we had logged hours on the phone before we met. And texts. And emails. So I felt I knew him pretty well before we met, and he did not disappoint. I was excited to meet him but he was even better than I imagined he might be.
Man. Those were good times. Why would I not want to think about those times instead of anything less? Why would I not want to talk to him again? The way I have explained this to myself is like this, I am going through an experience that I don't totally love. I love James, for sure. I can appreciate that I am learning how to create good stuff instead of bad stuff out of fear or worry. But I don't love the process. It has been scary and painful. BUT- God is smart when it comes to me. "They" knew how to get me to do this thing- they brought me James. They KNEW he is the one thing I will not back down from or something I will give up on. So it's like I am sure they knew this would scare the shit out of me, and I'd want to run off, but I love HIM so much that I cannot let go. I remember too strongly all of the good times we shared and how perfect he is and just how sweet, loving and kind he treated me.
And I clearly see how {although it still seems so unbelievable} I changed it myself through only my thoughts, fears, worries, disbelief, etc. And I don't like that. It seems to not right. But yes he is somehow showing me where I put my focus, and if it was anything else I'd probably just deal with the mess I've made, walk away and start over. But with James I cannot do this. I cannot walk away from the best thing that has ever happened to me. I have to try my absolute best because I miss the man I met, dated, fell in love with, kissed for hours and hours, laughed with, looked forward to seeing, thought of constantly, ached for. I remember us going out one night for dinner and stopping at the bar afterwards for a drink. He was his normal charming funny self, cracking me up. Just too damn cute and friendly and funny. And sexy. And at some point I thought, "I need to get out of here with this guy and take him home to get him naked, like now." I wanted to get my hands on him. I loved knowing he was mine and I could kiss him and touch him and make love with him. And on the way home we got stopped by a train and he stopped the car, quickly turned to me and kissed me so hard with this huge smile and said, "Train kiss!!!" And I melted. Just too cute and sweet and right. Comfortable and safe, and my friend who protected my feelings.
Too just everything good to believe anything but he is a good man and I am going through a divine experience that most people could never believe. But I believe it. Because I remember him, and I know who he is. And I want my angel back.
Oh yeah God knew who to use to teach me this really strong lesson in manifestation. I loved before him, strongly, but those people I was able to move on from. I think fondly of them but I got over it. James I feel so differently about. I don't always understand it because in the past I could move on, could "get on that horse again." But I can't with this guy. I am haunted by the sweet memories of him, and I love him and miss him so much. What we had was sweet and beautiful and I feel that love still exists. It just appears different... but I don't think it is. I think anything I don't like is not real, just illusion, holds no real meaning or feeling so it needs to be overlooked and love made the focus.
I'd love nothing more than to see his smiling face again, to hug him, to laugh with him. To be real with him again, honest, easy going. Comfortable. Real and right. I want to sit on my couch and kiss his face off for hours; I want to just be with him. But forever. I want him forever. So I hold on to the hope that YES I can change it, myself, by being determined since I do love him so very much. And I know he loves me too.
My fortune cookie message today said "It is always darkest before the dawn." And my friend's said something like if you can dream it or think it then you can bring it into your reality. Both fitting. I can only hope the darkest of my moments has passed now, allowing the dawn to arrive.
I recently wrote a post about calling the twin soul union a "relationship" but I deleted it. I am really in no place to be discussing the "rules" of twin souls or why they happen or what we are supposed to learn from it or how we are supposed to feel about all this. Sometimes I feel like I have a grasp on why things happen. Like the coming and goings. Other times I wish I had a twin soul manual with maps, illustrations and a really good index. Stupid proof for me!
I have never claimed to be a pro at this stuff. And right now I'm tired. In a few days it will be three years since I connected with James for the first time, and I loved getting to know him. I absolutely LOVED knowing him. It was heaven on earth talking to him all the time then meeting him and becoming friends before we met. Learning about each other. Being excited to check my email because I hoped to hear from this amazing man I was lucky enough to get to know. It was such a fun time in my life, getting to know James. Knowing he would respond. Expecting to hear from him and then I would. The irony is if there was ever a time where it took him a while to respond then he would always apologize and tell me he knew it could be nerve-wracking to have to wait for a response...
And now there is this. The hoping and wishing to hear some word from him but not really knowing when that might happen. Missing him so much and wanting to talk to my Love again.
Yes what we had felt like a "relationship." James and I clearly defined ourselves as boyfriend and girlfriend and agreed to be exclusive; I was ecstatic to be his girlfriend! I felt like the luckiest girl on earth. It was the start of a beautiful relationship. He has actually told me this, that what we had was a healthy good relationship. It was sweet, fun, easy, honest and very loving and good. We hung out a lot. Kissed all the time. Went on dates. Text each other good morning and good night. Text to just say hi. Emailed to exchange stories if one of us was busy and could not talk. And I always knew I'd get a response from James. He was {and I'm sure is} attentive and loved to communicate with me.
Now... I do totally understand why people say the twin soul union is not a "relationship." In a traditional relationship there are expectations, especially the expectation of "When I contact you then you will respond." And that is not always the case with twin souls in separation. I do understand this. It is not a traditional relationship in that regard.
I don't have the energy to discuss the nature of twin souls. I barely understand it myself. In my experience I see it as there is this man out there somewhere who I fell hard in love and he with me three years ago. Every sign since that time has shown me to hold on, not give up, and that he does still love me but he can only show me that love when I'm focusing rightly on love and belief and goodness and truth. It has been SO much about learning about manifestation and forcing me to own my power as the creator of my own destiny. Being aware of my thoughts, energy, intention and focus because I bring into my reality what I think about most.
I know all about having to let go of "expecting" anything from James. I can hope to hear from him. I can pray and work on my energy but I can't demand answers or expect a response because with us and our twin soul experience that is not how it works. I always have HOPE- and hope is a confident expectation that my dreams can and will come true. So I have hope.
Do not think it does not ache. I don't always understand the coming and going. I always assume there is some reason for it, maybe to show me there is hope and to keep trying. I like to think of it from that perspective. Often when something happens between us that I don't like I get really scared and wonder if I have FUBAR. Then I might hear something from him but I take it as him {and the universe} letting me know he is ALWAYS still there. It is up to me but he is always there and there is always a chance to change things, and I feel he wants me to change things. I feel that he does miss me. But when I miss him and long for him and ache for him and love him as much as I do- all I want is to talk to James again like we used to, so it does ache- hence why I cry sometimes. I miss those moments when it felt like we were in a traditional real life loving kind gentle beautiful relationship. One way to compare it is when my son goes away for a while with his dad and I don't hear from him- by the time he returns I miss him so much that I long to see his sweet face and hear his raspy little voice again. It is similar to how I feel about James. I miss him and want to know him again. Pretty simple. When we are away from the people we love we miss them!
I can't help but hope to one day again have that loving relationship with him. For now I realize I can always hope and dream. But my experience is very personal to me. I can't really talk about twin souls in general. I can only comment on what I feel or what happens to me. Not others.
If you've read my blog you've seen that I don't typically wonder or "worry" about what James is doing in his life. If I was supposed to know then I would is how I see it. I've felt that James has wanted to be with me, never wanted to leave me, and I've kept him away from me time and again when he's shown me he would like to be back. While it is nothing I like to think about so I don't, I cannot expect James to stay alone when I've been the reason why he can't be with me. It would not be fair to him for me to do so. This is not his "lesson" to learn; it is mine. I know he loves me and misses me and I do feel he wants to be with me. But he is human too. All I can hope and pray is that as I shift my focus and stay aware then one day we can get closer and closer to being able to show each other the truth and love I know is there between us. I have faith that this can and will happen. What matters to me is NOW. Us being able to be together again. I always hope my dear sweet friend is okay and doing well but I am not concerned with what James has been up to... honestly I don't feel it is any of my business. If I've kept him away from me with my energy then how is his life any of my business? *sigh* I'm told and shown what I'm meant to be told and shown at this time. So hard for many people to accept but I've kind of gotten used to it at this point. Of course I'd love to be able to share aspects of our lives with each other and I really look forward to that moment when we do.
I miss James. I love him and I miss him so much. I have no real idea what is wrong and right in this journey but my heart tells me all that what is important is that one day I can know the sweet dear man I was blessed with meeting before, the one I love with all my heart.
I am "happy." I am. I had a wonderful weekend with my son camping, staying overnight at a hotel with a pool on our way home and then yesterday spending the day at the beach. We stopped at a U-pick place in Michigan and picked our own cherries and blueberries and he thoughts that was the bees knees. We had a ball. I wish we could play every day. I feel blessed to spend time with good friends and my son all weekend having a good happy time together. Watching him with a slew of other kiddos running around in the Michigan forest with flashlights playing hide and seek and exploring was so refreshing, kids playing and giggling, happy. They played and ran and had fun outside all weekend. I also drank very little this weekend, a few beers and some wine but no hard liquor and I'd like to keep it that way. I know I'd like to enjoy a glass of wine or a hard cider but I want to stay away from the hard liquor. I almost took some vodka with me but I dumped it out. I wanted a nice fun relaxing weekend spent with my friends and my son.
I am happy. I am happy yet it is mixed with that ache. They coexists, those two emotions.
I miss James so very much. I love him with all my heart. I can't tell ya that I clearly understand this experience because I do not. My only clear course of action is to focus on being loving and kind in my thoughts and energy and see where that takes us. I'm working to stay focused only on what I love and want more of between us. Focusing on the truth of what we are to each other, only love, and how much we really do love each other, think highly of each other and want to be together. When I can do nothing, think nothing and feel stuck then I just remind myself of the fun times we had together, again focusing on what I want more of, what I've loved. I love sitting and kissing James for hours, being held in his arms. I love seeing him smile at me while we walk together holding hands. I love flirty cute sweet warm loving conversations with him. I love hearing from my love. I love spending time with him doing fun stuff. I love how kind he was to my son. So those things and others are what I like to focus on. Beyond that I can only pray and hope to hear from James soon. I miss him so much.
