I am going to stop blogging for a while. I do love to write but I need to focus more privately right now, and I'll tell you why: I am trying to achieve a balance of total unconditional love for my twin soul, and I am not there yet. The moving away and going quiet and the harsh mirroring {and it's been blatant, scary and in my face} is still being worked through on my end.
I love this man. I do. But I must really work hard to know my truth and that needs to be done privately. I need to be able to pound out all my memories over and over, the truth of who he is. And to do that I have to go totally inner. I must be a Warrior now, and for me this means dislocating myself from anything external and going quiet.
You don't need to read all of those thoughts. They are for me, my twin soul and our Higher Self. I will update sometime in the future. I may share if I find something interesting that I want people to see, like this woman:
I love her energy, and FYI she says you CAN'T . You can't shut down the energy. It's going to be there whether you want it or not. Her story is similar to mine. I was not looking for my "twin flame." At ALL. He just came to me. Higher Self has orchestrated this entire situation and dudes I feel like it is not supposed to take forever for me and Joron. Our love is so strong. I have to work through this, no more bullshit.
I love this music. It's beautiful. It's how my heart feels about Joron. I want my Beloved back in my life again, back in my arms. Not only as my twin soul but as my one and only true love. My mate, my partner, my husband-to-be, my lover and my FRIEND. I miss my friend so much, just so much. Six months is far too long to stay separate and quiet from a friend, and I am the one keeping us separated; I feel this and need to work through it.
Another thing, less selfish than "I want him back" is HE loves me and is separated from me. I know this is not his fault. I know he didn't want to hurt me but was being used to show me my issues, wounds, addictions that needed to be healed, etc. I was drinking SO much. Maybe not every day but I was getting totally lit and it was affecting me and how I was mothering my child. Only that strong "hit" back in June shook me up enough to get me to stop drinking, and it also showed me how strong and hateful my ego can be. I NEEDED that but often tough love can hurt, and oh that hurt. That hurt so badly. But I know he didn't mean it. If I had been told from above to say things to Joron that I knew would hurt him yet help him I'd do it but it would break my heart. I wouldn't want him to hold those things against me, and here I am feeling resentment and fear towards him. For anyone who has read my blog from the beginning you may remember I WAS told to tell him crazy hurtful stuff, and I did. In the end he let it all go. He said, "We love each other enough to get past it." Yet here I am holding on to ego with him. Fear and anger is what I can feel towards him. Those feelings cannot happen.
I know he loves me. Sometimes I wonder- I don't even think he fully realizes what he did or why he's quiet. How can he? Or else he must feel he's losing his mind too because "normal" people don't behave how he's done with me. So at any rate he can't feel normal or 100% good, and he does not deserve feeling like crap any more than I do. I feel he wants to be with me yet we are apart. Being with me would make Joron happy; he doesn't want this separation either. I feel that in my heart. I don't think my Beloved is feeling very good, and I've only been told from every angle that he can feel my energy so I'd better get it free from all ego and totally into Love. He deserves my love and full support in all ways. I must work to give this to him no matter the circumstances. I have to work on this now. Right now.
This road is not for the weak. I am strong. So are all of you.
God bless and Merry Christmas,
~"Rosie"
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