This song is for my James. I love you and I can't wait until the day where we see each other again. I know that day will arrive. We are meant to be together. It has not been easy and to avoid the pain, fear and uncertainty I allow my ego to rule me. I try to push the "missing" away and in doing so my walls go up farther and stronger. I really am nothing but missing you and loving you.
It is said that twin souls are not allowed to miss one another because it just shoots out this energy into the universe of "missing." Well here is the deal: my love is not here with me, in my arms. He was with me then suddenly gone. I miss him. I would not be human if I didn't miss him. I want him here with me more than I have ever wanted anything in my entire life, and that is scary. It is scary to open my heart to something so uncertain. I don't know my future for sure. I can only dream and trust in God that my dreams are going to come true. But I can't be afraid to dream. I can't blame him for this situation. I just can't, and I have been. For all my lecturing and writing I still blame him for leaving me, and it's just not true.
I have to go deep inside and know my truth. He loves me. He loved me SO strongly, and this entire experience has been guided strongly from above. I can only look forward and leave the mirroring behind. He was so sweet to me when he was in my life. That is truth. He is a good decent loving man but he is used as my mirror, and I didn't expect that. I was hoping for a nice boyfriend, someone who wanted to marry me and share a life with me. I was not looking for the largest spiritual lesson of my life.
But here I am. Lessons. Soul progress. I have to embrace it or say goodbye and I refuse to say goodbye. I love this man SO much. Just so much. There is no letting go of that love, only letting go of the wounds. The old wounds and hurts that cause me to doubt him and his love. I just wish I could wave my magic wand and bring him back but it does not work that way. I have to clean out my inner, and I am working on it. There is pain here. And I miss my love. It is as simple as that. I wish he was back in my arms, right now. I wish we were exchanging gifts.
I wish... I wish. I dream of the day when he slips a ring on my finger and asks me to marry him. I love him so much. I dream of him being my future just like he always says, "My Future." He calls me his future. He is meant to be my future. I know he will be my future but I have to work through these blocks. It's deep and it means I have to let go of any twin soul "teachings" and follow my heart which tells me to just HOLD ON to him and love him.
I'd much rather miss my twin soul than have resentment towards him that keeps my walls up. I can't do that. But I also can't jump around telling myself I am so joyful when I really miss him. I know he is my mirror. He will reflect whatever I am feeling although I know his truth is he loves me. But we cannot get to that truth if I am not there too. So I am working on really trying to gut myself of anything less than love- but I can't help but miss my James. James. That's his name. I love his name. He is my truth, my love, and my future. There is no one else out there for me.
I am having a hard Christmas. We lost my uncle this week and we always celebrate Christmas with my aunt and this uncle, her husband. It's very sad. This holiday season has not felt the same. There is no snow. It's been cold, wet, dark and rainy. It's overcast and dull today too. THANK GOD for my son. My sweet darling son. We had a lovely Christmas morning, and I am blessed enough that I was able to get him some nice gifts. I love him so much, my sweetie. I said to him, "I love you my joy" and he responded, "I love you my angel." He is my soul mate, that little five year-old.
While driving yesterday I started to cry. From the back seat my son said, "Mommy I want a step daddy." I find that odd because his daddy has a nice girlfriend so I'd think he'd be talking about a step-mommy not a step-daddy when I am alone. He said, "I want two dads. A step dad and my dad." I said, "Oh yeah?" And he said, "Yes. I want James to be my step-daddy mom."
That cannot be coincidence. I want James to be his step daddy. He would be the best step daddy. He wants to be PJ's step daddy. He wants to marry me. I know this. James wants to have a child with me; he has all this time. We are in love. He is my future. I adore him! This has been one huge lessons but we love each other, and I honestly believe that one day we will be together, and God I pray it is soon. I ache to look in his beautiful eyes again. We are meant to be a family.
So that is my wish to Santa. My one Christmas wish is for my dear, my love, my James to feel how much I honestly do love him. I do not blame him. I adore him. He is only goodness and light. He who dug around in his trunk to find golf balls for my son after teaching him how to mini-golf. His own dad hadn't done that yet but my sweet boyfriend of five weeks planned a play date for us. On his own. He's such a sweetheart and this has been one rough lesson to own my truth. But my truth is James is my angel, and I know I am a woman he wants to cherish and hold on to. We totally love one another and one day we will be together and our love will shine for eternity.
I am thankful for my blessings of wonderful loving family and friends. For the means to celebrate a nice Christmas. I am thankful, I really am. But I also miss someone to the depths of my very soul and I pray I hear from HIM soon. From him, from my love. He totally resides in my heart, always.
Merry Christmas to all of you. I hope you all receive your heart's desire. My heart's desire is to have my love, my James, back in my life in all ways. I wish the same for all of you.
XXOO
Jennifer
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