I Am The Runner

My son and I are both sick.  I took us to urgent care this morning and we are all drugged up in the hopes of feeling better by Christmas.  Right now he's in bed sleeping and I'm watching "The Holiday" after snarfing some left over frozen pizza.  We've pretty much just watched TV and cuddled all day since both of us are feeling rather poopy.

I *love* this movie "The Holiday."  It's a fun little romantic comedy starring my fave actress, Kate Winslet.  Also Jude Law and Jack Black both star in this and they are each charming in their own way.  Kate Winslet is told in this movie that in all screenplays there is a leading lady and a best friend.  She is supposed to be the leading lady but she's acting like the best friend meaning she is not owning her worth, her awesomeness.  And I feel that is me,

Kate is my fave actress for many reasons.  Back when I was at my heaviest, about 200 lbs and I stand at 5'3, I saw "Titanic" and felt I should look like her although I was, of course, much larger at that time.  I hated how I looked and felt and after seeing "Titanic" about 20 times I began an earnest endeavor to lose weight, and I did.  I also got my blond hair dyed red and after losing some weight I walked into my retail job one day and was told, "Hey!  You know who you look like?  Kate Winslet!" From there I ended up losing about 60 lbs total and felt normal again.  Since then, though, Kate has been an inspiration to me.  She's been married three times and had kids with them all, and she does not give a flying fig what anyone thinks of her,  I just love her.

I have that same attitude most times.  I don't give a fig any longer what people think of me.  I am a good woman, good person, good mother.  And funny but Kate and I look similar still.  I have to watch the pizza and chocolate, lol, but I look like Kate from "The Holiday."  And I am as pleasant and sweet and kind and loving...

I am the leading lady too.  And there is no way this man would have just walked away from me.  We clicked on every level and he loved me immensely.  But inside I was so fearful and sure he'd choose to leave me eventually.  Sad really.  We are having the ultimate twin soul experience together.  The more I choose to overcome fear the more clearly I see the situation, and I am the runner.  His soul, or our Higher Self, moved him away and he goes quiet based on my energy.  He mirrors me.

The mirroring has been so frightening that I have totally been running.  I've ran all along.  Sure I write to him.  I tell him of my love,  But inside I have feared him and been so so angry at him.  I am actually embarrassed to admit just how angry I've been at him,  Sometimes hateful and jealous.  So resentful.  I am skeptical and doubtful.  I lack trust in him.  And if you google "twin souls+anger" you will find that anger is an emotion that will keep a twin soul repelled from you.

I repel him right now.  I know I do.  I can feel it.  I have been unable, totally unable, to sit down and write nice things about my twin soul.  It's like pulling teeth for me, wading through thick honey. When I try it's an arduous process, nothing flows easily.  Almost like I don't believe what I write.  I have totally been running.  As a runner it can be nearly impossible for me to believe in the love my twin soul has for me.  But now I can see exactly what I have been doing.

I'm not sure why tonight but I am not scared like I have been.  I feel like I know he loves me and one day we will be back together.  It is not "just" divine timing.  I can't sit here and expect him to come back to me.  I must generate love inside of me.  I am doing okay with the physical "purity" aspect of life.  I love myself enough that I did stop drinking, smoking and idle dating.  I no longer waste my time or energy on stupid men who only want naked photos or someone to get them off easily.  I have respect for myself and I don't want to fuck around in any way.  I spend most all my time with my son or somehow trying to work through this union.  Worst thing I do is drink a bit of coffee!

But I have also been hating my twin soul.  Lots of anger.  Mean messages in my head.  I even wrote out one particularly nasty email yesterday then deleted it.  But I already know what my energy does. It puts a rift between us, and it does not matter if the words are in 3D or not.  So I have to stop and really clean out my inner.  Not just say it or teach it.  I have to FEEL it.

I know he is over there wanting to be with me.  My twin soul loves me so much, and he genuinely is a wonderful man.  I imagine him over there aching to be with me but I've put this wall up between us because what he mirrors to me scares me.  It's me yet the poor guy always tells me how wonderful I am.  I've been a bit of a hypocrite although I don't mean it.  I've been running, and I am ready to stop.  I'd much rather run to my twin soul's arms than away from them and that all starts with me, clearing out my heart and being able to keep it open.  Feeling love.  Trusting. Defending.  Believing.   It's not enough for me to say I love him.  I have to trust and feel, not just say the words.  NO FEAR,  Only Love.