That's called mirroring.
Luckily along the way my guidance schooled me hard to fight for TRUTH. Occasionally I would manage to do something energetically "right" meaning I would feel him again. Feel his truth, that he is GOOD man, not some monster, and he loves me. My mentor hit the nail on the head the other day when she asked me, "Do you still think of his as the boogeyman hiding behind a nice facade?"
I created that boogeymen. *I* did. And I hate it! I hate it because it scares me, and the I get locked in fear and I can't move forward. I can't even remember who he truly was.
I forget. I forget who he was. And that is a bad bad thing on my journey because if I cannot bring myself to believe or remember the angel he was when he was in my life then I am in some deep shit because I'll stay right here, and for me "right here" in not the best place to be. "Living in the now" is not doing so much for me if I live in the now while choosing to forget my twin soul. This is why "forgetting" is not my path. My path is REMEMBERING the "real" him and detaching from the illusion of what he's mirrored to me.
So I'd hit it right energetically and POOF he'd pop up asking for a phone call. Out of the blue. He'd text me {and we stopped texting when he shut off; it's a rarity and only used to really grab my attention} with something bright and cheery and "feeling" like him again, "Hi! Are you up?! Wake up! I want to talk to you." This particular night, one of our first calls, I'd done a manifestation earlier in the day. I still have it, what I wrote out. I said we'd be married in the future with children. I wrote of him with love and truth... and later he popped up and wanted to talk.
And we'd get on the phone, and my heart would soar, and it would be as surreal as anything because nothing had changed. The love was still huge. I'd been tempted to date a few months in and resisted the temptation. I was scared but told myself NO- I made this separation happen and I was not going to run off scared and weak to another man. I am going to FACE this shit. Well right after that Joron and I ended up on the phone and he flat out asked me, "So have you been dating anyone?" UGH- it hurt my heart; I wanted to be dating HIM but that "definition of a relationship" is not allowed for me right now. I WANT it but am not going to get it; Spirit is blocking my desire to be in a committed reassured relationship. But I was able to honestly tell him "No I have not" and he said the same, that the only thing he'd dated was rocks {Geologist joke.} He told me warmly that I am the 1%, the datable one. That there are not many out there like me. He basically was telling me he wanted no one else BUT me... yet he'd go quiet for weeks. I sat on the phone trying so desperately to believe in all of this, everything I was being shown. Here he was on the phone sounding totally like his old loving self, enamored with me and not wanting to get off the phone for anything. In love.
Sweet, warm, soft voice. Not the eerie cold shit I'd get via email that didn't even feel like my soft warm boyfriend. On the phone he was so loving and kind. Real and wanting to talk to me. It's like if he could have climbed through the phone to snuggle up in bed with me he would have. Now let me tell you something. Some of you may be out there thinking, "Then why didn't you just ask him? Why not put him on the spot and make him explain himself, ask him why the silence and leaving you?" But I KNEW better. My intuition and heart told me if I were to grill him then Higher Self would NOT be happy with me; my own energy would backfire on me if I were to have pushed him. I will say, though, at one point in that conversation I did begin questioning him a little bit and he got very... anxious. Unlike himself. He cut me off and said something like, "Wait wait I don't want to talk about this. Let's talk about something else," but it wasn't like him. Then I got scared and went silent and he'd talk about something for a while then spur me to talk but I didn't know what to say. I was freaked out entirely. His voice would get really soft and low and he'd say "I miss you." And I wondered if I was either being played or losing my mind. But then he did the strangest thing, and I could tell something was just not normal, not "real life," not totally 3D. He got this smiley sound in his voice and said, "Ask me anything. Really, just ask me anything, anything at all." I wouldn't do it. He nudged me and I said, "No I won't." He wanted to know why and I told him I was scared. He told me not to be, that I could say anything to him so I said, "But I'm going to just push you." He was so insistent though, slowly saying, "Ask. Me. Anything," so I said, "Okay fine. What happened to our love? What happened to me and my son moving to California? What happened?"
I was terrified. And in that same smiley voice he said, "Nothing has changed. I feel exactly the same. Nothing. Has. Changed."
God I was SO being shown to own my TRUTH and just embrace that man. The loving one. I was being asked to put my energy towards sending him energetic love, writing about him with love, remembering my "gem" instead of concentrating on the fear. I think this is why when I'd write about him on the forum with ooey gooey love he'd pop through; I just didn't see the correlation.
It's why I've never been told to forget him but to love him. We had other conversations, and they were all loving and out-of-this-world. Like time had stood still and stuff was just erased, and it always felt surreal how shit between us would just fall away and love would take its place.
I love my Joron. I hope he's doing well. He truly is a dear kind man and I need to ensure I remember that.
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