My monster. Whew! I've had to face my shadow side over and over again throughout my spiritual awakening, and I am a work in progress.
At one point in this journey I was certain I had a demon with me. This energy would beat me down with my fears. It would poke me in the back. It terrified me. This all happened after I was told over and over that I was of the Light, God Energy, and that God loved me so much. But I would deny all of that good stuff and cling to this idea that I was a terrible horrible shitty person. I defended the darkness inside of me and defied the Light.
And one day the darkness was thrust into my face and it scared the shit out of me. My shadow side had started emerging badly, and I could not get in control of it. I didn't know why I was doing stupid shit like giving some strange guy a blow job- like being a whore but for free! I look back and still can't quite understand why I did the things I did. They were icky and did nothing for me. I mean I didn't even get any sexual gratification out of them! I look back and think- did I think I was asserting my sexuality since my ex-husband was not attracted to me? But ugh- it was just not right, and I am thinking some of those things affect me still today. I have to cleanse myself of them though because I am VERY very different now and I will not go back to that low place ever again.
But let's talk about "entities." I thought I was being "attacked" by a demon. Now though, with clarity, I see it was either a guardian angel {maybe Arch Angel Michael} or a spirit guide {doubtful because it was so strong} or it was simply my Higher Self in disguise. I am to the point where I think I've always been lead by my Higher Self and it just packaged itself in whatever way I needed at the time. Spirit knows what we need when we need it.
It felt like a demon because it had to show me all of my darkness so I could face it. So the "entity" was actually my own darkness coming to the surface. There was NO demon.
Now fast forward to after my twin soul separation. Through Joron I became very sexually cleansed. He waited to be intimate with me. He showed me that *I* was more important than sex, being with me. Respecting me. Loving me. He was very insistent that he would wait, and it took ME taking him by the hand, smiling at him and saying "Are you ready" and then leading him to my room in order for us to make love for the first time. He literally refused to budge. Would not make the first move. Would not push me in any way. But he wanted me; his desire for me was strong but not stronger than his intuition. He KNEW I needed the healing, the wait. He knew I needed to know that he found ALL of me {not just my nether regions} alluring. Not just sex. Something about that was a very important step in the process of realizing my worth.
After we separated I was tempted to date on more than one occasion. He grew so cold and harsh that it scared me and I thought he didn't want me anymore {even though my guidance told me otherwise.} We ended up on the phone once and his love was apparent but still the quiet and cold scared me. He seemed like he was almost possessed at times! But then my energy would calm and he'd soften. It is quite a dance but back then I didn't get it, not quite.
Finally we had the "I'm coming home" and he wouldn't show. My spirits lifted then slammed down over and over. I was torn between "Is this guy a demon in disguise?" and "Is this really my erratic energy being mirrored through him?" It is SO easy to blame all this on our twins! Our mirrors- none of us like looking in the mirror; sometimes what we see is SO hard that we just cannot accept it at all. It is also very easy to think we are being attacked by dark energy or entities. I don't think so though. I think it is our own dark energy, our shadow side, being shown to us through the union in many different ways. They promise to come home but then we can't get it under control so they stay away and what do we think? We think, "Oh there must be an entity keeping twins apart!" NO- it's your own shit keeping you apart! Own it!
June came around and I could not control myself. I went out one night and was drunk before I even left even though I'd be guided plenty of times not to drink. As I walked past the bars I was thinking, "Fuck this! I am tired of staying faithful and celibate to this weirdo. He doesn't love me. What am I doing?" Then I thought about my single friend, one who is going through her own journey of finding herself. I thought that the next weekend when I did not have my son she and I would have to get together and go out to the bar. I felt very icky and dark. I wanted to meet some random hot guy and be naughty. I was all like, "Hey I'm pretty- I want some male attention!" I wanted to get laid; it was like I could literally FEEL my shadow side rising up, my demons rearing their ugly heads. I walked past a bar and two guys walked out and started talking with me, being flirty. The cute one was married and I thought, "Of course he's fucking married. Of course!" Now this was after asking Joron is there was a future for us and him telling me yes- but that damn quiet, the silence in between our talking, would freak me out.
Next day I was drinking again, pretty tipsy by 5PM, and my son was home observing me. Real nice, right? I was SO angry inside. Pissed off. Drinking. I grabbed a drag off my sister's cigarette while bitching on the phone to my girlfriend about Joron. I was mad about being ignored!!! So pissed off about being overlooked, let go, rejected. But I would NOT claim his love for me. I refused to believe it. I refused to create the energy through writing like my guidance told me to. Instead I sat on my ass and fretted then resorted to hitting my vices in order to escape. I told my friend, "It feels like he hates me!" I hate this god damn ignoring. Maybe it's time for him to just let me go already!"
Talk about "demons." Entities. Darkness. Just then is when Joron sent me two emails. I had not heard from him in a week, and the last time we'd talked we ended the conversation with "I love you" but these messages were SO horrid and lacking affection or love, hitting all my fears, that it seemed like HE turned into a demon. His words were terrifying to me. He never said "I don't love you" but his words insinuated that he could care less about me, that I was only a human sex toy blow up doll to him. He wrote that he was coming home and wanted to just fuck me, nothing more. And he was VERY explicit about it.
And it hurt the fuck out of me. It slapped me awake really quickly, and for the record my EGO FIT and letting my shadow rule me has affected this union ever since. We've never been the same since that point. Up until then we'd talk on the phone and reconnect and since then it's only been mirroring.
I was tempted to think he was just a demon. I was tempted to think he'd been possessed or dark entities were attacking our union. I was SO tempted to blame everyone but ME. And oh it was ME. It was MY energy. Here I was going through a winter of purity. Healing my shadow. Healing all that icky sexual shit I'd done to myself, disrespecting my femininity. Knowing him had been healing and loving and wonderful, and here I was thinking I wanted to go out and get laid. Turn back to dark empty vices...
One of his messages said, "You are so beautiful and sexy. You could fucked any time you wanted to so I'm going to come home and..." Fill in the blank, lol. It was NOT pretty, at all. And it did scare the shit out of me. Quite literally. I have not drank or smoked since, well I've smoked once and took two sips of alcohol while in ego fits since then. But I refuse to cave to my demons.
Anyone else would think dark entities are attacking us, keeping us apart. My energy has been so hard to cleanse and heal that it seems like darkness is stalking me but I don't think it is! I really don't. I think it is my own shit coming to the surface to be healed, exorcised really. My guidance hits me with my own energy through my twin and it hurts like Hell. It is scary and... none of it is real. It is an illusion. FEAR is an illusion.
A few weeks later he reached out after I prayed very hard. He said, gently, that he was coming home soon and he wanted to see me. He said, "No, not wanting sex." So right there Spirit was shifting things around to let me know that the earlier messages just were not real. No demons. No dark entities. No evil twin.
Just me. My own shadow side being shown to me before I lost control again. I would much rather have Joron hit the shit out of me. my mirror showing me my reflection in a way I could not ignore, than end up in the back seat of some random guy's car, drunk with my skirt up around my waist getting fucked. Know what I mean? Had I got to that point then I would have wanted to die.
I know it sounds so vulgar and wrong but it is truth. There are no dark entities stalking us. It is just the shit inside of me being brought up so it can be addressed. Vices being cleared, cleansed. Being shown my own darkness FEELS like what I imagine a dark entity would feel like. It is not fun but it is the twin soul process. No one ever said it was easy.
But for God's sake quite blaming your shit on "dark entities." People who know me in real life think I am very sweet, kind and patient. A good person who loves herself. No one out there would have had ANY idea that I would be tempted to treat myself so badly. It surprised even ME! So yes- all of us, even those of us with ten years of deep spiritual teachings under our belts AND guidance straight from above, even WE have a lot of inner demons we need to face. Don't blame it on external entities or an "evil twin soul." It's just US. Me. You. Being cleared.
That's my two cents. Take it or leave it. I know though that there are no demons on my ass. Only my own shadows being healed through my lovely little darling twin. I appreciate him more than I can often allow myself to accept due to my screaming ego. I'd be back in a very dark place without his mirroring me. I long for the day when I am cleared enough that he reaches out only with the true love he has for me. Until then...
Demons. They are inside us- not outside. Face them, clear them and say GOODBYE to them forever. We can accept that we have a side of ourselves that we don't often share with the world. I am very sexual. A bit naughty, lol. I have an active imagination in all ways, and I have a healthy appetite for intimacy. BUT- there is nothing to be ashamed about my sexuality so I must embrace that "naughty" side of myself with no shame. I also need to keep it balanced and in check though. Joron and I had a great balance in all ways, bedroom included. The shadow side is not all bad as long as we KNOW it, integrate it and don't let it control us. Soul needs to be charge, not ego. And demons DO need to be let go, for eternity.
I could never have seen my demons so clearly without knowing my twin soul.
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