I have no idea what stage I'm in, and frankly I don't really care. Maybe I am in the "I just want to live" stage. Or the "I'd like to be joyful now" stage. I have some thoughts tonight and I want to share them. They are not said with vindication or even frustration but more of... a type of resolution. I feel resolute.
I am not necessarily unhappy although I am not jumping for joy either. I have a sense of peace, finally. Maybe it is temporary. God only knows in these connections. Last year I was put on FMLA by my Higher Self and later I realized why: purging and releasing is a real bitch. There were moments where I found myself curled up in a ball on the floor keening like an animal because the PAIN was extraordinary. I wanted to die. I begged God to either kill me or heal me. Those were horrible moments and I'll never fully understand why I've went through all of this. It has to be a bigger purpose that just for me. When they say we heal generational issues that HAS to be true because why in the world would *I* be going through this? Enough pain that I honestly had to fight not to kill myself? I wanted to die SO bad for a few months there after he left me. And it wasn't just because he was gone. It was a deep dark intense inexpiable unreal sorrow, not of this world.
But his disappearance from my life did hurt. It was also inexplicable to me. Unreal. We had no ending, and nothing bad enough happened between us to cause him to leave me. So it never felt fully real, more like a nightmare I could not wake from, but it also brought up all my fears of being rejected, left behind, immediately forgotten, totally unworthy, not a priority, etc. etc. up to the surface.
This is not a process or a journey for the weak that is for sure. I can't say I love it or even like it. I'm doing the best I can. I have a friend whose daughter is a year older than my son. Her mom, my friend, can't afford very much at all for Christmas. Her daughter asked Santa for a baby doll but she was not going to get one. Her church got her some coloring books and her mom bought her "Frozen." I on the other hand SPOILED the shit out of my son this Christmas. Know why? Because I can. I don't date. I don't pay sitters at all because I am always home with my kid. I am in bed by 9PM most of the time. I don't buy alcohol or cigarettes. I go nowhere but to work and home and occasionally to visit family or friends nearby so I don't even use much gas. My favorite hang out is a coffee shop not too far away so once in a while I do drop some cash buying lunch and coffee there, I rarely buy new clothes. I moisturize with olive oil and I ration out my shampoo and conditioner, lol. I am low-maintenance {although I am splurging soon on this special French facial buffing creme I want because it works absolute wonders for my skin!} I take my son out for dinner or to a movie, or we go shopping here and there but overall I don't spend much. I am not frivolous. So this year for Christmas I got him a lot of neat stuff. Trains. Play Doh. A big tool bench. More trains. Magic sand. Wooden trains. Thomas The Trains. If I saw it and knew he'd love it I bought it... because I can. So I did.
But today I also went out and got the baby doll for my friend's daughter. It is a sweet interactive baby doll that giggles when she's tickled and she says "I love you mommy," The doll will be from Santa. We already wrapped it and put a sticker on it so her mom can address it from Santa. And I got her a magnetic Elsa doll that is like a paper doll but it is magnetic- it has clothes and accessories that can be changed. I got that so her mom can give it to her as another gift. And then from my son I got her some Frozen hair accessories and Frozen lip glass and nail polish for little girls, and also Play Doh and a play set for her new baby doll that is a high chair, carrier and buggy. I am not here tooting my own horn because I want accolades but I cannot lavish my own son with a bunch of stuff while his little friend has one movie to open; I got him five DVDs to add to his collection. Granted they were from the five buck bin but still. Christmas, to me, is for the kids. So tonight my son helped me wrap all his little friend's gifts and her mom will pick them up from me tomorrow at work just in time for Christmas. I explained to him what generosity is; I've been doing that for a while and he is a very generous child. I refuse to let his friend wake on Christmas morning and not have her baby doll from Santa. That makes me sad. I like to help out when I can. I am not "rich" by any means but I am blessed enough that I can buy a doll and a few extra gifts.
I am a good person. I cuddle with my son every night and most days every morning. His happiness is my priority. I may not do everything well but I am a damn good mommy. It's what I do best. It is my duty as his mom to ensure he has a stress-free childhood; he will only be small for a while. Then real life kicks in. My childhood was painful and stressful; I was raised in FEAR, My son is raised in LOVE. It's so very important to me that my son grows up to be balanced and joyful and emotionally stable. He will not have the issues I've had to work through. No. His soul must have chosen to have a happy childhood because *I* ended up as his mother! I do my best to make sure my little angel is happy, and my God something it ain't easy going through the Rude Awakening and twin soul experience.
So back to the twin soul thing. I love Joron. I honestly do. But I am tired of fearing all the time. I am SO fucking tired of feeling like I've been forgotten and let go, left behind. Whatever already. I am tired of being in this situation. I LOVE him. I am thankful for what he has shown me because I no longer drink or smoke or feel like I have to be with someone to be happy. I'm doing this all on my own. ME. I AM. No one is cleaning my house or buying my food or raising my child. I AM. I go to work. I smile and say hello and get the job done. ME. What I am NOT truly thankful for is having to experience the nightmarish situation to begin with. I think it's a real pain in the ass bitch of an experience. I had six weeks of face to face love and now fourteen months of separation. The mirroring has kicked the shit out of me. Literally kicked the shit out of me. He's written me some of the rudest, harshest, coldest, nastiest shit and I've had to work through it for months trying to shake my fear. Facing my crap through him. And honestly- I'm tired. This shit ain't even real. So much of it is not real.
The love is real though. That was an is real. What is NOT real is the crap. I don't know how I could have been so scared of all this. From the start I knew it was fucked up. He went from sending me a picture of him holding a sign that read "I love you" to falling off the face of the earth. Then after a solid week of silence, one where I pretty much begged and pleaded and apologized and FREAKED THE FUCK OUT, he wrote to me and told me my fears: he said that "Gosh... when we were together it was so kissy and wonderful but now it feels different, tainted somehow, like that song "Tainted Love." Well for the record Soft Cell can kiss my ass because I will forever hate that song. We both love 80s music so it makes me miss him. And the entire song is all about running away from love, from a painful love. "I love you though you hurt me so."
My love is not tainted. Nothing could be further from the truth and those words hurt me so badly; that fucking song sucks. We had six weeks of really strong love. And then the rug was pulled out from underneath me when my new boyfriend moved 2100 miles away. Of COURSE I was scared shitless. I never met his family. I never even saw where he lived. I had doubts. So sorry. Most people would have doubts. He left a long-time love behind when he moved back to where I live and then he was moving back to where she was. What new girlfriend wouldn't have fear? Especially one who was abused as child, totally neglected, raised in fear and THEN had two shitty loveless marriages to men who paid me little attention? How was I not supposed to go out of my head in fear?How was I supposed to believe in his love?
But my love was never tainted. I loved him. It was a sweet pure love. I was afraid but I didn't do anything with the intention of hurting him. At the very end, that last week, I did start to lose it a bit. I missed him a lot. I was scared. He was 2100 miles away and I was nervous he'd forget me. I was a little jealous. We hadn't talked in a few days. I had FEAR. But still I never hurt him. I had so much love for that man. I did my absolute best to be supportive when he decided with no second thoughts to move away for his career. I told myself "You love him and you WILL be supportive!"
Tainted love. This has sucked my ass ever since. Fear fear fear right in my face over and over again for months. It is the most bizarre scenario. Tainted Love. "Don't touch me please I cannot stand the way you tease." When he left he asked me to send him some videos of myself. I made him the sweetest cutest most loving videos. I wanted him to know how much I loved him. There was no teasing. All I wanted, from the bottom of my heart, was to be with him. But I was terrified. Of course. No one had ever loved me like that before. I was used to being HURT by love. Love always hurt me! Always! How was I to know any different? All my lessons were in letting go. I was scared I'd have to let go. *shrug*
I've had a lifetime of pain. There are blessings here, yes. My child is my utmost blessing. But through all of my pain I have still given good love. I was good to Joron. I was not mean. Yes I doubted him because I doubted LOVE. I did not think he was a bad man. I just doubted his love because... how in the fuck was I supposed to not doubt love? Now though- I am done with this stupid nonsense. I am upset that the energies are even here to be mirrored because I don't deserve them. I am a good woman. A kind woman. My love is not "tainted" and never had been. I've had tainted love given to me. My first husband pushed me around, hit me in the head. Screamed at me. Threw things. I had a collection of otters that I'd collected over the years. I love otters. I also had two beautiful Noah's Ark water globes that were given to me as gifts. I kept them all on a shelf, my treasures. All my otter collectible figurines and my water globes and one day my first husband got angry and he knocked his fist down on the shelf and they all came crashing down. Just like that marriage did.
Second husband ignored me as if I was not even here. I'd call his name two, three, four times and then finally I'd had to walk up in between him and the TV and say, "Phil?" And he'd go, "Yeah?" WTF? Why ignore me? What about me is so easy to overlook and disregard? I don't need or deserve that energy, and that's why I divorced husband number two. Tired of being disregarded, ignored and disrespected.
And I guess that energy of being ignored {mom left me in a playpen all day every day} and disregarded, not made a priority, is one that needed to be healed in me. This last October my twin soul said something in an email to me... mirroring of course. He wrote something and ended it with saying, "Don't bother me anymore." Total nonsense but it stung.
Don't bother me anymore.
I am not a bother. Joron loved being around me. He adored hearing from me. He looked forward to reading my thoughts and exchanging information with each other. I stimulated his mind, heart and soul. The last thing I was to him was a bother. But that energy... "Don't bother me anymore." Ugh- it sucked. And it's so not real. I am just tired of being so fearful and hurt and wounded by all this. It's all lies. NOT truth.
And yes I miss him. I miss the FUCK outta him, and I am tired of reading about how we cannot miss them. Oh fuck that. He has written to me throughout this separation and said, "I miss you. I love you. I want you to be my future." We always said "Miss you!" when we were dating but not together. When my son goes with his dad I always tell him how much I miss him, and God forbid if my son was away from me for an extended amount of time I'd miss him like my arm was cut off. So I don't buy this "You can't miss him" bullshit.
I MISS him. With all of my heart. I miss him and long for him and ache to see him again. I dream of seeing his beautiful blue sparkling eyes again and hearing his chuckle, his goofy sweet laugh. Those high gorgeous cheekbones. My scientist. I want my Atheist Geologist Science Trip silly loving naughty sexy boyfriend back. Fuck this twin soul bullshit. I am so tired of all this noise. I just want my love back in my life. The real him, not mirroring my fears. I do love him. I know he is a good guy, and I am so tired of the fear. It's nonsensical. Untruth. Beyond... deserving my energy.
And my Joron- he does not deserve to be alone. He does not want to be alone. He wanted to be in a relationship- with ME. He wants marriage and a family. He wants a good woman to wake to every morning, and he told me he wants to kiss me every night. I know he wants me in his life so it sucks to make HIM wait too, over there alone... if Higher Self is keeping him alone. It isn't even fair to him to have to wait around. I don't want him alone and unhappy. I want to be with him. I am supposed to be with him. I am tired of all this! Just want it done now. No more bullshit is right.
Sometimes I worry that I've waited too long but I can only do what I can do. I am far from perfect and this has been one hell of a scary experience. But I do love this man. A lot. I have not ran. Not given up. I am still in this to win this. I am working through my shit.
But it is Christmas and I am again without a romantic love interest in my life to share the holidays with, and that makes me sad. One day I'd really love to have someone who truly loves me in my life for Christmas, for the first time in my life {besides my son.} I really would.
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