Love?

I'm having a slight epiphany here.  It concerns Love.

I have not talked with my mentor and friend for a while because I am trying to get through this journey without turning to everyone for assistance.  I am past that place now.  But she knows me better than most since we've been very close for ten years now.  She has helped me through thick and thin while I've been going through this spiritual awakening, and it's been happening for a while for me.

I began awakening before I met Joron.  I know people say that start our awakening but for me he accelerated it.  Maybe I was lagging a bit and he jump started me, lol.  But she reached out to me recently and asked, "How are you feeling today?" and I admitted I felt like shit.  So we conversed just a bit about all this and she reaffirmed what I feel.  I do not follow a path that is usual for most. Where many might need to learn a lesson about "detaching" and letting go- my lesson has nothing to do with this, and my Higher Self has never talked with me about letting go of desire and all that.

I let the attitudes and opinions of others affect my journey far too much, and it is time for me to let that go, completely.  I've had so many people challenge me about this mirroring, that it must be him too, that he must have issues, that it is his ego, that I need to talk back to him, "defend" myself against the big bad monster, etc. etc.  It's like not many can shake their egos enough to realize that YES this is happening to me.  He IS mirroring my energy and I mirror nothing back to him.  He's a good stable man.  There is nothing for me to show him unless I was to crack and react to the mirroring.

My path is all about HOLDING ON.  Not letting go.  I've learned some things about love going through this and one thing I've learned is people really want to run from love when it does not fit into their cookie cutter definition of what they think love is supposed to be.  Walls go up easily, don't I know.

It really must be about unconditional love because I am still irrationally upset with Joron.  I can understand how hard it is for others because I see things pretty clearly yet my ego is still butt hurt.  I have to work through this energy so all that is left is unconditional love.  My mirroring has been very intense so maybe it's a bit more of a challenge to hold on to the real man and let go of the mirroring.

All along through this relationship there has been ONE major fear handed to me through him, and that is "how much does he really love me?"  "Does he love me?"  "Does he love me ENOUGH?" And here is the problem with that fear- it somehow makes Joron seem like he didn't do enough to show me his love, like there was something wrong with his love, like I did not trust him or appreciate him.

This is an important point to me- does it makes sense?  In overlooking the huge wonderful love he showed me it was as if I simply overlooked all his goodness, like it never existed, like he was just some asshole who treated me like all the others did.  It would be like someone hands you the keys to your brand new car as a gift but then you fret and whine and worry how you are going to get to work the next morning, no appreciation or LOVE for the gift you just received.  That's how it was with me and Joron.  He showed me this huge ooey gooey love and I ignored it.  I mean I felt love for him, right?  Of course I did.  But the energy behind me not trusting the love he showed me was like I was telling him, "I don't trust in what you are showing me.  It can't be true.  You cannot be a good man.  I don't believe it no matter how many beautiful dates you take me out on, no matter how many times you drive to my home to sit and kiss me, hold me and talk to me, no matter how many little thoughtful gifts you bring me, and no matter how wonderful you are to my son, and definitely no matter that you've told me you want to MARRY me and have a child with me because I am awesome.  I doubt you enough that I can't accept that love- you must somehow secretly suck and I just don't know it."

Right before Joron got the email telling him of the awesome career opportunity awaiting him on the west coast he wrote me this: "Do you know that you have the prettiest smile?  Do you know that you have the sexiest legs EVER?  You do.  Just letting you know."  And he followed it up with this, "I want to lay next to you every night.  I hope this results in marriage.  Blue moon Rosie."

Then a half hour later he wrote the strangest shit to me.  He wrote:  "You don't love me anymore?  I guess you don't.  Too bad.  I really do love you.  You should accept love.  I would gladly be with you for eternity.  I'm sad that you don't love me anymore.  I tried and was good to you.  What gives? Grow a goatee?  Start hanging out at _______? {local bar my ex loved to frequent} Get some cowboy boots?

His words there were not his own, and hours later he got the job offer that whisked him off to CA. Now that I look back at this even more closely I can see what it was supposed to be showing me but I didn't get it.  His words freaked me out.  Joron knew I liked country guys but I don't think he knew that I liked a man with a goatee, and that is really weird.  He is clean shaven.  But all the things he listed off were attributes of men I'd liked in the past, and none of them had worked out.  My ex-husband wore a goatee and hung out at that bar, ignored me most of the time, and Joron knew this He'd never push it in my face like that.  It was showing me I AM NOT THAT.  Yet here I was doubting him so I was being asked, "What then?  Do you want all that shit back?"  It's like he was adamantly telling me, "You doubting me so badly when all I've done is shown you huge real love is like you are saying you don't really love me.  I'm different than those others yet you doubt me, what else do I have to do to prove myself to you?"  If I really loved him unconditionally then I would have trusted him,

I do love him; I really do.  But that love means nothing if I do not trust him and appreciate him completely and this means totally clear away any anger and resentment because none of this is his fault.  I don't even believe he wanted to leave me.  He kept saying "You probably think I'm a pussy because I've been crying.  I don't want to leave you."  I think he HAD to- Higher Self lead him away from me, and how can I be mad at him for that?  It's been shown to me time and again through him that if I have even one shred of doubt over who this guy REALLY is then I will get hit with this energy of "I don't really love you.  I don't care about you.  You mean little to me.  You are not a priority to me."  And the Hellish part of this is because Joron has an undeniably strong sexual attraction to me what happens when I am mirrored a lack of love is ONLY the attraction is given to me.  No love.

It is on purpose.  It is specifically given to me like that so I cannot escape from it,  It's like "How does it feel, all that fear that he does not love you?  Did he ever show that to you. this lustful energy with no love?"

And no- he never did.  He always made sure to tell me how much I mean to him.  How it had nothing to do with sex but with love.  He honestly was an is everything I've ever wanted in a man but this has been one long journey of learning that when I let fear take over then truth slips right through my fingers.

Maybe he feels like I don't love him.  I have not been doing what I am told.  The  mirroring still scared me and in a roundabout way this is telling the universe STILL "I don't trust him" which translates to "I don't really love him."  If I trusted him fully then I would not be scared.

I am working on this.  It's a tricky energy.  It's getting clearer, and writing my other blog is helping to really remember how he feels, his truth.  MY truth which is he loves me with a love I never experienced before, and I do love him for that.  I have to show that with my energy though, not my words.  I can't think popping him an email that says "I love you" while I am sitting here bitching him out in my head is going to get me anywhere.  It's hypocritical unfair, and the energy behind it is not what's needed.  I must LOVE him.  Jenna Forrest's guidance says to walk every so softly, softly and gentle.  Soft and loving in everything we do, especially as it pertains to our twin souls.

Walls will fall.  I want mine to fall.  He's such a doll and I know this.  I have to make sure I feel it though, and it makes so much sense to me.

XXOO