And for The Record... I Screw Up Too

I don't feel great right now.  Not only have I been sick but... I really let my energy plummet here in this last week.  It's basically because I am stubborn and don't listen to my guidance.  I think I am smarter, right?  I don't have to follow advice.  So I distract and avoid and fuck around and waste my energy and then I feel like total shit later.  And that's what I've done lately.

And I hurt someone without really meaning to, and I hate hurting people.  I really do.

So overall I feel like a big piece of poo right now.

I am human too.  Sometimes I screw up.  I feel like I should have already had this twin soul thing in the bag.  We got so close to reunion back in March and I let my fear totally derail us.  I came *this* close to having my Joron back in my arms again but I pushed him off with my energy.  I fell into fear AGAIN and I get angry at myself for that.  And then I feel bad for feeling angry with myself.

And then I managed to dig around and bring him back yet again but doubt and fear crept in again and I REALLY fucked up, all energetic, and really derailed our connection.

So I am scared.  Scared.  I really work at being positive and sharing but I am scared.  Six months of silence is not what I expected, and I am hurting.  I fall into wanting 3D communication too.  I write to him from time to time, all loving of course.  Sometimes it is casual.  Sometimes it's just a link to say hello and that I am thinking of him.  And other times I have poured my heart out to him, and it is all met with silence.  And I really miss when I could freely communicate with my love.  I AM a human being with a heart so of course it does not feel amazing.

So sometimes my fear really gets to me.  And this last week was a bad one.  I've cried more this last week than I have in a while, and I did things to derail my energy.  Instead of writing about my twin soul I deliberately ignored my guidance and did what I have been guided not to, in more than one way.

Honestly I am just ready to quiet myself and listen.  If it is not too late.  I've never slammed Joron.  In 3D I have only once said anything even questionable to him, and that was months ago when I let my annoyance shine through and I told him "I can see you forgot who I am.  I've wondered what you really think of me and now I know."  And he wrote back that he had not forgotten who I was, and that when we'd been together I was sweet and lovely and that trumps everything- and now I have to believe that about him too.  The irony about this situation is most "normal" people fear screwing up a relationship based on what they SAY or DO to their "other."  Me?  I'm worried about my energy.  I've said nothing or done NOTHING in 3D to deserve extended silences or harsh words.  Nothing.  It is all energetic.  And my GOD does it suck my ass.

It is impossible to escape from this.  He is always on my mind to the point where I am just used to it; there is no way for me to escape from it. I hear Michael Buble' playing and I immediately imagine Joron dancing with me in my mind.  It is lovely but tiring.  I feel like my life revolves around my son and Joron, and Joron is not even here.  And I do believe that is how it is supposed to be right now but it can wipe me out.  I get in ego too.  I get scared.

I am not perfect and I'd like to get back on track.  This means totally going inner.  Quiet.  Writing my ass off about him,  Owning my truth.  Loving him totally.

And it means not being scared or ornery.  Not setting myself up to be tested.  I know better!

I joined OKCupid for a couple days.  Creepers galore, and more than  normal.  It is so Spirit thrusting shit into my face as if to say "Did Joron feel like this?  Did he?  Or was he sweet and real and a good guy?"

One guy I texted with.  He seemed pretty nice.  My profile asked to please not call me sexy or baby or hot but to be respectful of me.  See I get this strange energy from Joron when he mirrors my fears and I just hate it.  Well I start texting with this guy and he asks me why I am undecided.  I tell him because I don't know for sure if I want to date.  He says to me... "Oh its okay baby.  It seems like you need some love.  We can go to a hotel and talk about things for a while."

Well in the state I feel right now I went off on him.  Expletives galore and I told him to leave me alone.  He wrote the strangest things to me.  He said, "Oh what happened baby?  Did he leave you?  Oh it's so sad that he doesn't want you anymore."

And the kicker?  "So sad that he doesn't want to talk to you.  If he did then he'd be the one having this nice conversation with you, not me."

"He does not want you."

Do you see?  I feel like I am tormented.  I can't escape it.  The energy of fear and doubt follows me. I sat reading his messages as he called me "Naughty girl" wanting me to be nasty with him and I thought of Joron and the mirroring.

And I thought of the Joron I met, knew and LOVED hardcore for weeks.  That man was an angel and could never have behaved like this jackoff did to me.  It was pushed in my face to get me to face my truth and you know what?  It hurts.  It's a painful process, and it's tiring.  I've had creepers come out of the woodwork these last few weeks, and that never happens to me.  Either it is people from my past or someone random and unexpected on Facebook or I attempt distraction online and it's all creeptacular.  So instead of me "running" and not listening and bringing more grief to myself I am going to gather my energy and do what Spirit is telling me to.  When I don't it really does not feel good to me, and I get angry, scared and even a little mean.  And that is not me.  It is fear.  

I feel like a real asshole right now.  I should not do stupid shit like join online dating for a few different reasons.  One I am so not supposed to and I know this.  Another is my heart is not at all in it so if I DID happen to meet someone and he liked me I'd end up toying with his heart and crapping on him later, breaking his heart because I love Joron and I know that is not going to end.  I don't want to hurt anyone.  Back in October I was asked to go for a walk with a really nice single guy in my neighborhood.  It was just "as friends" but then he asked me out again and when I backed out he was disappointed.  There is no way for me to NOT just wait this out! And I have to. I have to be committed to doing the work. NO more fucking around...

Which is probably why in Joron's last crazy messages to me he said something odd.  He said he was going to come home and he wanted me to tell him what was going to happen.  He said, "No bullshit this time!"  Well I never give him 3D bullshit but I am thinking it was being told to me, "Stop the bullshit now Rose.  Grow up.  Get moving.  Get this done.  Quit being a weenie soul already."

I feel like I should have done this already. I am fearful.  I don't want it to take years, okay, and I'm crying right now.  I get scared and then want to run.  I met him.  We fell in love and said we wanted to get married, have kids together.  He said, "I want to get married and have a baby together and raise our child with all of our love."  And then he was gone.  Gone.  It's been 14 months since I've seen his face.  His dear loving smile, and oh I miss him.  I am afraid yet I am making it take longer.  I read about how it's four years or more for people and I wish he was back in my arms tonight.  Here with me.  Holding me and hugging me and telling me it will all be okay.  I just want my love back.    I just feel like I've really screwed up.  That's all.  I got a fortune cookie not long ago and I didn't pay attention.  It said to proceed with caution but not fear.  And I have not been cautious with my energy, and I am afraid that one day I won't get any more chances.  Like- I feel like this is all my fault.  My fearful energy.  My stubbornness.  My resistance.  I don't feel good this week.

I just want to get back on track and stay focused.  I know what it feels like to run.  I face it down all the time.  I think what I do is called "The Standing Stiller."  I stand still, and it's not a good place to be.  I really need to be quiet, regroup, go inner and get this thing done.

Thank God the creeper stopped texting me once I stopped responding.  Lesson learned.

I know I sound very fearful and ego right now.  I am.  I am working hard to pull through it.