As it grows closer to midnight here on New Year's Eve I wanted to get some of my thoughts down into my blog. I am very blessed. My friend and mentor just sent me a "happy new year!" text at the stroke of midnight where she lives in The Carolinas. It feels really good to know I am one of the people she would choose to say hello to at the new year. She has been with me through my entire Awakening, came to me not on accident I am sure! She just wrote "Love ya bunches." I am loved- and I am grateful for that fact. I am also a very loveable person and I really have to know this and not doubt it at all {as an aside one of my cats, my fat older cat who doesn't normally play, is volleying one of my son's small toys across the hard wood floor and it is quite entertaining.} I still sometimes worry that there is something wrong inside of me causing Joron to be separated from me, like my love really IS tainted or something, and I know it isn't. I know that was all me being taunted by my own energy and fears, and I really REALLY need to look those fears hard in the face and get over them. I have to own my truth now or else lies will rule my existence, the mirroring will continue, and my twin will stay silent- and that is not at all what I want.
One thing I cannot lie about is I miss him. Badly. I do have some sorrow inside because he is not here, and it bothers me. We had no ending {because we were not meant to} but for love to just fade off, or seeming to fade off, is pretty damn scary. Limbo is not fun. We were only love to each other though, only ever love. The only chaos we had was orchestrated from above, and it kind of disappeared as time went on, like magic. Nothing about this is real but the love {and that is so hard for me to write.} All the rest of the silence and crazy emails, etc. are mirroring, and I really don't like it. I have to deal with it and realize it is a result of my energy and not his intention though. I honestly do think, still, that it is Higher Will working through him due to how strange those messages have been. Some have fear and love both mixed into them at the same time as if to show me my fears but also let me know he really does still love me. But it can be very confusing. Those messages hurt, and it would be difficult not to let them affect me at all but I am trying to just KNOW what they are showing me so I can move forward.
Joron always tells me that I am sweet and loving. Genuine he once said. Wonderful. He told me in June that when we were together I was sweet, loving and fun to be around and that was most important. This was in the middle of a very strange email exchange we had the day we reconnected after ten weeks of silence, after I thought we would reunite but we did not and he went quiet for a long time. In that exchange it felt like he was pushing my buttons, egging me on and being a bit mean and finally I cracked and said so. I told him that I felt he forgot who I was and was being deliberately hurtful and for what reason? He wrote back and told me that he did not forget me. It was a very very strange email exchange and I know why. I had not dived deep down yet to "know" him again inside so I was getting mixed energy from him. But he did say he knew who I was, that I was loving and kind and fun to be with when we were together and that was most important.
So I look back to that message and realize that yes, we were both very loving and kind to one another, and we wanted to be. Neither one of us want to be anything less to each other, even now during the separation. Joron is quiet right now, and has been for months. The silence does not fare well with me. I am human and my patience has a limit. I don't do well with this whole "divine timing" thing. The unknown worries me. I like to feel like I have some control, something. I am not good at total surrender where I hand it over to the divine, go bake some cookies, get a puppy and move on with life knowing that one day God will drop Joron in my lap.
I don't feel like if I don't want it then he can come to me. I feel like I have to want it, need to manifest it, and must believe in the man he is for him to come to me. And I have to believe that I am worthy of it. This has been over a year now and I am seriously just tired. I try not to be in ego. I try to believe. I try to be eternally grateful for knowing him because he not only showed me the greatest love of my life but through the mirroring he cleared up any doubts that this magical other world might not exist and reside only in my head, and through the harsh and intense mirroring he helped m stop drinking. He showed me I cannot lower my energy with my vices, and I cannot be an alcoholic mother.
I keep having gross sexual dreams, and I would like for them to stop. I won't go looking for love or affection online or anything like that. And if/when I do I get hit with these dreams, and they gross me out. Knowing Joron has also shown me what real good pure respectful huge love is, and I only want that kind of love going forward. I've had enough bullshit in my past that I don't need any of that empty crap. So I wonder if my guidance is trying to remind me of this with the dreams. They are always either someone new or someone from my past that feels icky to me, wrong. I wake wanting to shower and wondering WTF? I have not dreamed about Joron though and I really wish I would because I am having a hard time remembering him, really feeling him, again.
My personality type, my sign, just me- I am not made to be alone. I know this. I am meant to have a strong mate in my life, and without that kind of love in my life I do not run at optimal performance. Everyone around me is either engaged, getting married or pregnant. And here I sit praying for this man to come back to me. I do not want to be alone for much longer. I really do not. I just try to keep reminding myself of how different I am now than before, remind myself that this journey had to happen for me to really see who I am. I am not alcohol that is for sure. I feel SO much more cleansed than I did before I met him! There is no comparison whatsoever. I am not the same person from back then although my heart is the same. I loved then how I love now. My love has always been good love but I had more fears back then. I still have some fears now, and I have to get through those fears. The longer it takes the longer Joron will be quiet.
I don't want to be tested from the divine. I really don't, and that is one of my fears. My own energy scares me now. And I have strong energy, and the more he stays quiet the harder it is for me to keep my energy in check. I had to turn off my email on my phone and ipad so I am not always seeing that I have no messages. We rarely text at all but I figure since he has in the past if he is supposed to contact me then he will text me. I really miss Joron and the silence, the stillness, never will feel good.
Silence will never be golden for me because we are supposed to be communicating. Like tonight- and last year as well- we should be wishing each other a happy new year, or we should be together right now. But all I can do is sit here and write about him. Try to stay positive. Try to know that "God" is watching out for me even though lately I don't even really know who God is any longer. I thought I used to- now I don't. I feel like there is something up there which ensures we are responsible for our own actions, the guides us strongly and yes tries to keep us healthy and out of trouble. But I used to feel confidence when I prayed to God, and now I don't really. I don't know who I am praying to. I felt better when I thought there was this father figure watching over me, hearing my prayers and "helping" me. I don't know how to explain it. Now I feel very pressured to stay calm and balanced because it is not God who creates my life but me, and for some reason that is not only daunting but it makes me sad- like a child who finally realizes there is no Santa.
I'd like to know more about God, more about what guides and protects us. My guidance sometimes just seems to have a means to an end for me. I try and tell myself because there is a really awesome destiny out there for me that my Higher Self is trying to get me to so I can have my bliss. But sometimes I feel like I am on a tireless journey to nowhere but pain, and I don't want to go any further. I am tired. I no longer want to be a single mother. I want a full-time father figure for my son who loves me and him both, and I did feel Joron was going to be that person. I feel he still can be but one thing God must know about me is I am like Doubting Thomas. Jesus let Doubting Thomas stick his fingers in his wounds in order to clear his doubt. I will never get to a place where I know with 100% certainty that Joron is my future. If that blocks us from coming together then I guess God expects more from me than I can give. Maybe my life was hard enough, and my experiences so over the top painful, that deep down inside I can only give so much. I feel that God wants the best for me and will bring me something good. God knows I am trying. But to sit here, hug my son, and know for sure that Joron is coming back- I can't say that I do. I wish I could, and I want him back dearly, and I can pray for it, manifest it and dream about it- but I would not bet my life on it, and I think it would be unfair for God to expect that from me.
I can live holding on to that dream though. I can feel free to dream, to think we are meant to be together. I can do that. I can buckle down and find it inside myself to TRUST the man he showed me. I can strip away all the mirroring bullshit and own the loving man he showed me he is without worrying that the monster is really him.
I gotta tell you- this believing stuff is not for the faint of heart. Honestly. Believing in all of this is so not easy for me. Believing that this man still loves me and is truly a good-hearted man through all of the mirroring is a real bitch. But I am trying. That is all I can say. It has been a horrific experience for me, and there is no denying that fact. I can't sit here and try to be positive by saying I have enjoyed it. I have not. I am afraid. I am afraid that he is gone forever, and God refuses to budge right now by throwing me a bone.
Just a bone. Just a little word of warmth to let me know he is still out there somewhere thinking of me. Something. I really could use something. Working on nothing but faith is not my most favorite state of being. Especially when his last messages to me were not really him, not the man I knew.
I do have blessings in my life that I am grateful for. I really do. I feel kind of guilty because I have a decent job that brings me a good income yet I don't care much for it. I do care about the people I work with and the mission of the university but I don't care about the work I do. I try to care but I honestly do what I have to to get by- and you want to know why? Because as a single mom with my own home to take care of, a five year-old son for whom I try to be the best mom I can be, and trying to survive a twin soul separation that feels daily like my heart is being ripped out of my chest because I don't know when I am going to hear from the love of my life again, I don't have much of me left for a full-time job too. So I do what I can. Honestly I wish our systems would collapse already and we'd all be thrust back to pioneer days where we live together in peace and there was less stress than this chaotic existence in the rat race society we live in currently. It is tiring. My boss seems to think that my "career" {and it is a job to me, not a career} should be the most important thing in my life and it so isn't. He seems to think we all should love being there and not want to take any time off, and I live for my time away from work. So it can be a chore balancing "real life" with this... alternative life I live. I feel like I am balancing two different lives, and it can be a real challenge at times.
I try to remember to write out my blessings and stay positive because we all read where we have to be in this place of pure unconditional love for ourselves and our twins to get to reunion. Well let me tell you- if I did NOT love my twin soul unconditionally then I would be out of here already. I would NOT have this blog, and I would NOT be battling to make this happen. HELL NO. Some of the shit he's slung at me has been really hard to get past. I am still struggling with it but I do not have anything less than love for him. I wish him only the best, and I hope he is happy tonight. Staying safe... although I wish we were not apart, and I wish I felt free to text him happy new year knowing he will respond. I just email short messages and hope that one day I hear something in return. It is useless to freak out when I obviously must not be where I need to be for him to "feel" me and want to respond. I have to trust that when I can finally shift whatever needs to be shifted he will contact me no matter how long it has been.
So maybe this is not the most "rah rah rah!" positive glorious New Year's Eve posting but it's all I got. This is one Hell of a journey. The harsh mirroring makes it very difficult for me not to fear this man, and that is my bottom line. I am really trying to work past the fear because if I fear he is a monster then I will be shown either quiet or the monster, and I hate that. He does not deserve it, and I am trying to keep my emotions towards him tempered so I do not assault him with my energy. I want Joron happy and healthy but I want ME happy and healthy too. Yes- me. I want to be happy, blissfully so, without having to constantly TRY to be happy. I don't want any more heartache or feelings of loss. That is my wish my new year- true full complete happiness without needing to try for it, and this means I want my twin soul back in my life fully and completely. Totally. And soon. I will do what I think I need to to make this happen. I deserve that love in my life. I love this man with all my heart and know we should be together.
The only resolution I am making this year is to beat my ego and do the work necessary to get to reunion. I am already a good mom and honestly not much else in life matters to me. I love my family and friends. They matter to me. My child matters to me. Joron matters to me. My child and my family and friends are already in my life. Joron is not so by default getting through this with him is my main priority, and I don't want to feel guilty about that or like I am co-dependent or weak. But I honestly have no desire to write a novel. No desire to make jewelry. I don't really even read for pleasure {I'd sure like to find a good book that kept my attention though!} Since Joron separated from me back in October 2013 this twin soul experience has been at the forefront of my life and it doesn't seem like that will change or that it is supposed to. Now I just want to get through it and to the other side because I have to be able to move forward somehow. Standing still is killing me. I want to find that man standing on my doorstep one day soon, all the love he has for me flowing back into in, fully "on" and wanting me back in his life. THAT is truth. The rest of this is an illusion. If it were not for this twin soul thing between us then we'd already be married, if this was "just" a soul mate experience. He'd be in my arms right this moment. The mirroring is brutal, energy exchange. I pray to temper myself fully so we can come back together.
To my twin soul, where ever you may be, I wish you well on this new year's eve. I love you.
To my friends who read this blog- best wished to you in this new year 2015. My prayer for all of us is that we are soon reunited with our Beloveds and in the mean time stay strong.
God, I just can't keep my mouth shut sometimes but I'm dying to say something after reading this...Like you, I've also let go of all the guru bollocks about Twin Flames and have learned to only accept the wisdom that resonates with me. And your post has triggered one of these lessons for me. Don't know if it will resonate with you or not but here goes...
ReplyDeleteA lot of TF "mentors" say we musn't project our negative responses onto our TF, as it's hurtful, counter-productive bla bla bla...but I've recently come to a realisation that one of my "mentors" shared with me a long time ago regarding mirroring energy. I didn't take too much notice of it at the time, until my TF walked into my life and all of a sudden I had to draw on every ounce of my awareness to keep up 😂 She said to me that denying our ego the right to express itself when it's been triggered and internalising all of the pain and anger may NOT always be the right thing to do. At times, our anger or hurt is actually what our TF needs to see and hear, as it is reflecting their issues to them as well. By denying them our response, and therefore hiding our darkness from them, we are denying them a mirror for their darkness. And ultimately we are judging our "ego" as bad, as something that isn't allowed any part in our relationship. When in truth, the TF union is ALL about the ego - accepting it for what it is with no judgement and learning to love it. That doesn't mean it's ALWAYS going to be appropriate to let rip, sometimes we need to work through things on our own. But we musn't ever feel it's wrong to go with our gut, it will always let us know what the appropriate response should be.
I have always struggled with my self-worth, my right to express myself and acceptance of my shadow - being raised by an authoritarian father saw to that 😉 And for years I hid my negativity, internalising my shit and putting on a smile for people I would have gladly kicked in the bollocks (on reflection, I probably should have done it too😅). The flip side to this is I've also struggled with guilt, guilt for having bad feelings, guilt for not always being able to forgive straight away, built for not being perfect. And it's taken my TF connection to bring this all out into the open to finally get resolved.
I think I've learned that sometimes it's necessary to withdraw and heal on one's own, and other times it's OK to shout back - what you have to say may be exactly what your TF needs to hear! It also sets boundaries, for yourself and the other. Once we're comfortable with our darkness, it no longer has a hold over us through shame, guilt or suppression.
At least that's what I've come to learn on my journey.
Great post BTW, really enjoying your insights 😊
Hello again. There is something I really need you to understand about when my twin says things to me that I don't like to hear. It is ALWAYS in reflection of my own energy. It is always a reflection of a fear I've dwelled on, or something doubtful I've written in my journal or a conversation I've had with a friend about my twin, or even writing here on my blog! He has never one time, ever, mirrored me where I can not see the direct cause and effect of where that energy originated, and it always originates from ME. ME. So- for this reason I do not react. It would be like me telling my twin, "I really really need you to give me this shot of anti-venom or I might die, and yes it's gonna hurt when you give me the shot but give it to me anyway." And he gives me the shot but then I yell at him and blame him for hurting me. Do you see what I mean? His actions/words always reflect some energy I very specifically recognize as originating from me. He actually quotes words I've written in my journal nearly word for word. If I am believing in him and I write that I want him to hold my hand he will email me and say he wants to see me and hold my hand. But if I write fear in my journal then I will get those words emailed back to me as well. So maybe my situation is different than yours. If your twin says or does something to you and you just can't correlate it back to your own energy then who knows, maybe you do need to be his mirror. I don't know- I'm not walking in your shoes. I will tell you I know of three other female twins going through exactly what I am: their male twins become whatever they are thinking, worrying, fearing, doubting OR loving. I apologize if I appear defensive- it is only because I am defending my truth. Too many times I have questioned my truth and then it comes back to bite me later. So in my case what I have to say out of fear is NOT anything that my dear loving kind gentle twin soul needs to hear. It's nothing I need to hear either at this point in my journey. I've been purging and releasing solid for four years, even before I met my twin. Eventually we get to a point where ego needs to die down, be quieted, and fears need to no longer be believed as reality. I am getting there. You will too. But thank you again. Feel free to share your thoughts... just know when it comes to me reacting to the mirror in a negative manner: ain't gonna happen.
ReplyDeleteAnother thing I do want to express is YES it is fine for you to feel those things! You HAVE to in this journey. Just because I've never lashed out at my twin does not mean I have not gotten SUPER pissed off inside, or written shit in my journal, or spouted off to my friends about him. What I wish I would have done back then is switch it around a bit. Instead of directing my anger at him I wish I would have said to myself or God or my journal or a friend, "I am so angry right now because my fears are getting to me. I know my love isn't ignoring me on purpose yet still I feel all this anger and rage and like I've been rejected. I pray to God to help me heal these fears and doubts because they hurt and I know they are not real. God I feel so rejected right now yet I know this is not truth so please help me heal from this so I can be rid of it. I don't blame my twin for showing this to me." I did not do that though. I would think pisser things about my twin instead, and it keeps separation continuing as long as I think those things. You CAN think them. You CAN. You are not going to be "punished." You have to get them out some way- this is that wave of "purging and releasing" we all go through. Oh GOD have I been angry. Livid. Furious. I've screamed and yelled and throw shit and even punched myself for wanting to punch someone else, maybe even at times my twin. I've had HUGE emotional issues to release. Most of us twins do! So YES you have every right to feel them but you are meant to feel them to see them, recognize them, release them and move forward.
ReplyDeleteWith me, though, when I felt them about my twin like "God you are such a jerk for ignoring me," then suddenly I'd get a message from him where he'd act really cold and aloof and assholish and say something like, "Sorry for taking, like, forever to reply to you... I've just been so busy having fun!" and it was always a direct reflection of me getting pissed off at him and me feeling disregarded. So for me at least there is no escape. Until I clear those pisser energies he gets to show them to me. Yet still we have to find a way to clear them. And when we feel them it is our twins JOB to show them to us so we can see them even more clearly, often in a very exaggerated manner so we can't miss it, and then we must face it. Not react to it with ego and say to it, "Nope you are not truth. I don't want this fear any more." It is not easy to believe or understand but it's surely been my journey. Still I've had to love myself enough to accept I have had those feelings. You canNOT just ignore them and stash them away. They have to be felt and dealt with. And this means your twin might just have to show you things you don't want to see or things you don't even realize are inside of you. It is what this process is about. Personally I don't think at all we are not meant to project to our twins because it is hurtful to them. I don't think it matter to them whether or not we project to them at all. I could tell my twin to go fuck himself and it won't matter once we move past that point. Why you are not meant to react to the reflection has all to do with YOUR healing, not them. You wanna beat the shit out of your twin for reflecting something to you? Go ahead and do it! You can, absolutely. But that means you still have an issue with whatever he showed you, and you just reinforced it by reacting to it which means either you have to dig deep and get rid of it or he WILL show it to you again. None of this has to do with "Oh you can't do that!" or "Oh don't hurt your twin!" Your twin is playing a role for you. He is to be respected for doing so. But sometimes we can't get to that point until we've cleared our shit. They know this. God knows this. Higher Self knows this. The pisser is the longer we take to get through our shit the longer we get mirrored and stay separated. The faster we purge, release, heal and recognize our fears so we can stop reacting to them then the sooner we will have the REAL twin back in our lives. The loving person. The God-energy. Our angels. But as long as we believe the fears and act on, as long as we are not healed and more aware, then our twins may seem like devils while they play the role of our mirrors. Been there, done that and got the t-shirt.
ReplyDeleteLastly, lol, it really is a moot point discussing whether we respond to them or not. Why? Because they know every thought we have. We don't have to SAY it to them or email them or text it for them to know it. They just know our reactions whether we try to keep inside or not. Long ago I learned the difference between "I'm trying to hide my feelings" and "I am trying to face down my fears by not believing in them or reacting to them." But in the past I may have "controlled" myself enough to not lash out at my twin via email. But I have had negative thoughts. I STILL have them. I find myself having bad one-sided conversations with him about "leaving me" and "fine then... I AM worth talking to, so there!" And those are all wrong wrong wrong because they are energetically insinuating that he is doing all of this because he "wants" to hurt me. And that is not truth, and it is not an energy I can hold and still hope for reunion. AND it is not an energy I need living inside of me, just for my own healing and awakening. NO ONE is disregarding me! But again, it does not matter what we say out loud to them or send them in 3D. They always always know anyway!!!
ReplyDeleteOh one more thing. You never have to "keep your mouth shut!" Feel free to speak your opinion. That is how we all learn to share. Everything I share here is just what I experience and how I feel about it. It is my truth and I don't meant to say it has to be everyone else's truth. But I share it in case it helps someone.
ReplyDelete