PS... I Love You {Heart Opening}

I have not really watched many movies in a while.  Occasionally my son and I will watch a movie on Netflix but it is a rarity that I sit down and watch a movie.  I have a handful of movie I love, pretty much all chick flicks.  I've been thinking I need to work on opening my heart more.  I've been keeping it closed off quite a bit lately.  It is so so hard for me to remember my time with my James.  I block him out a lot.  I think "I love you" but I won't allow my thoughts to stray much farther than that.  And when I don't allow myself to think of James, the one I knew when we dated, then I fall back to thinking of him as a monster, the mirroring.  And I can't do that to either one of us.  I don't deserve it and neither does he.

So I sit here eating cookies watching chick flicks.  I am trying to let myself feel.  I have not allowed myself to feel in a while.  I love this movie "PS I Love You."  It is sad but cute and funny, a good love story.  The first time I watched it I sobbed my eyes out.  I was married and kept telling myself I was going to try so hard to make my already-failing marriage work.  How sad!  I so badly wanted to make it work but we were not meant to stay together.  Ironically my ex-husband looks like Gerard Butler. My ex-husband is a highly attractive man yet there was no chemistry between us: 6'3, 220 lbs, built, goatee, handsome face... strong, masculine and we were like oil and water, lol.

Then this 5'8, 160 lbs clean-shaven, slight Geologist walks into my life and turns everything upside down.  *sigh*  I can't get over him.  I did not miss my ex for one day after he left!  I was relieved. But James I knew for only two months and 15 months later I can't let him go.

I love love, and I love James.  I can live vicariously through chick flicks while I work on reuniting with my love.  I think it is good to listen to love songs and all the music that Spirit brings to us as communication from our twin souls.  And romance movies.  It is all heart-opening which is what we need- to keep our hearts open.  Never closed.  A closed heart allows for anger and resentment.  An open heart brings compassion and unconditional love.

I miss my love.  I think of him often and I pray for the moment where I get to look into his beautiful eyes again.

I'll love you until the end.